Shear Genius: When Life Hands You Really Bitter Sour Oranges, Make A Strong Screwdriver

Hi-hi Gasmii! It’s me, J-Mo, back again to help guide you as we work our way through the pretentious bitch-fest that is the second episode of Shear Genius Season Two, where hair-stylists are cannon-fodder, and some of Bravo’s far less talented reality stars are striving hard for Minute 16!

“Kim Vo, did you just cut one???”

We also see the return of Season 1 fan favorite, Tabatha, who takes no prisoners and towers over ordinary mortals. Her icy platinum ‘do just crackles with electric sassyness, she’s got stronger opinions than Oprah, and is able to deal you a thousand verbal cuts in a single remark. In other words: Bitch is bad (and I don’t mean she sucks shit through a tube a-la-Oshun… I mean like in a Michael Jackson kind of baaaad, shah-MOWN, you know it, arright! – kind of way). I think she comes from the Matrix-world. And you know what? I love a badass who can back their shit up… I’m one of those who totally agreed with her last season when she told that crazy bitch Evangelin that using a hedge-trimmer to do hair (you know, when not required to by a reality tv show) was a mind-numbingly stupid idea…. So I was way excited to see her back in action again. We will dive right in after the jump.

…shear stupidity…

In case you forgot last week’s episode already (which is easy to do considering how littered the television landscape is with reality competitions) Jaclyn Smith reminds us that we have been narrowed down to 11 stylestants, competing for $100,000.00 in prize money from Nexxus Salon Hair Care Products (well, probly only about $48,000.00 after taxes, and for all we know it could be in Canadian dollars, so it’d really be worth only about $37.50) as well as that all-important “apprentice-ship” with Nexxus (I hope ol’ Fish Lips Trump doesn’t have anything to do with that), the chance to do hair on an Allure photo shoot (hopefully when they’re featuring either Britney Spears or Alexis Arquette) and the title… of SHEAR GENIUS!!

I noticed in the title sequence that they show Paulo spraying Aqua-Net that has been lit on fire… something tells me that he’s done that kind of thing before…

…she’s a maniac, pyro-maaaaniac, on the floor…

It’s another beautiful day in L.A., and our stylestants are re-entering the Shear Genius Salon sans-Oshun (yay for Oshun-free episodes from now on!). Jaclyn greets them, and tells Dallas Danny that as winner of last week’s challenge, his Wilma Flintstone hair-style is featured on the “Allure Wall Of Fame”. Daniel immediately gushes “To see mah stahl on the Allure Wall Of Fame is truly aMAYzin’… truly truly truly amayzin’!” No, hon, that was JEM that was truly truly truly amazing. You had Wilma, remember? I’m coming to believe that Daniel is a bit of a dolt. Jaclyn also reminds him of his immunity from being eliminated this week, which he thanks her for. Awww, Dallas Hayir Mannersâ„¢ everyone!

This week’s Short Cut Challenge is called “Short & Flirty”, which sounds exquisitely stupid to me. When I think of short hair, I don’t think of “short and flirty” so much as I think of “short and dykey”…

…A teeny peek inside Dee’s thoughts (picture courtesy of my good friend Peter G)…

And speaking of gender-confusion, our girl Drag Queen Meredith looks like she either has an Adam’s apple, or a serious case of chicken-neck going on. Ooh, girl, either take your hormones faithfully or invest in some Oil Of Olay (it can help you look more like a real girl, too!)

…I know all there is to know about the crying game…

Anyhow, this challenge is to take the client’s hair from long to short. And then they have to flirt with the client a lot. Or something. They’ll be judged on creativity, technical proficiency (like not cutting chunks off the client’s ears… Matthew!) and client satisfaction. Jaclyn tells Dallas Daniel that as the winner of last week’s Elimination Challenge, he will have first choice of the clients… and he will also decide the order that the rest of the stylestants can choose their clients. Daniel’s face kinda crumples after he hears this, and the other stylestants immediately start sucking up to him at the speed of light. Daniel (and his silly little hat) is quite disturbed that the others may think the order he chooses might have something to do with how much he likes them. Well, DUH, Daniel, it doesn’t make for good reality tv for y’all to be friendly now, y’hear? Jeez, do you want screen time, or not?

Several non-descript women with longish hair are brought out, and Dallas Daniel is given his first choice of a big brunette with big hair. He immediately insults her by referring to her as “a big fuzzy frizz-ball… I cain’t wait t’smooth it out n’make her look sassy an’ kyewt an’ FAYbulous!” Well, Daniel, perhaps you’d like to be referred to as a “mincing, lisping, Steel Magnolias addict”? Except he’d take that as a compliment.

His choice for who goes next is Parker The Prick, who says he thinks Daniel chose him because he doesn’t do a lot of color and it would let him showcase his cutting skills, but at the same time from a strategy standpoint, it “probably wasn’t a very good thing to do.” Boy, Parker just farts Drakkar and shits gold bricks, doesn’t he? Get this electrocution victim off my TV screen!

…Parker Poser…

Dallas Daniel continues sowing the seeds of drama as he chooses the remaining stylestants in this order: Female Glenn, Lesbiana Dee, Bitchy Charlie, Straight Guy Matthew, Exotic Nekisa, Underdog Nicole, Drag Queen Meredith, Emo Gail… and last (and certainly least in Daniel’s passive-aggressive opinion) is Ãœber-Gay Paulo, who bitchily says “I’ll kick his ass later for it… but, you know what?…I’ll do a great haircut and guess who shines more?” Ummm, hello? Did you notice whose style is currently gracing the Allure Wall Of Fame, Paulo? Did you notice that it wasn’t you??

…something tells me this happened to both of them a lot growing up…

René Fris pipes up “Arright guyss… fordy-five minudes… and Jaggie, whad do we saiy???” Jaclyn hesitates and then gamely says “Go shake it!” and they’re off!

Nekisa wisely chose a girl whose bone-dry flaxen blonde hair is literally breaking off in the back due to over-coloring and possibly working in a meth-kitchen. She can’t seem to convince this woman to go short (like the challenge says to) and pretends to slap the woman’s hand for chemically melting her hair and putting Nekisa in jeopardy. Or, you know, Nekisa could have made a better client choice… it’s not like she got stuck with the schlubby girl Paulo has, who also seems unable to grasp that the whole point of this challenge is to make their hair short, as she whines about whether or not she’s going to be able to put her hair up in a pony-tail. Girl, I’d be more worried about what you’ve been do-oo-ooing for all those Klondike bars…. Mmmmm, Klondike bars…

Or, she could have gone with Drag Queen Meredith’s choice of Frieda from Peanuts, and her naturally curly hair. DQ Meredith is busy making the top of her client’s head look like a big red cinnamon roll (mmmm, cinnamon rolls) and René Fris ain’t having it. “Meredith, iss thiss a tegnigue you haff done beforr? It looks scarry to mee!” Meredith lies and says she does this “All the time!” and goes on to show René how she is dry-cutting “holes” in this poor woman’s unruly shock of curlyness. René effectively punctures her confidence when he says “The only thing I’m vorry aboud here iz that when id’s so short below that thass gonna push the rest of it out and id’s gonna look like a hat!” And he’s right. Poor DQ Meredith!

…big red twisty head…

And here’s Bitchy Charlie, whose voice sounds like he smoked a carton of Benson & Hedges Deluxe Ultra-Light Menthols, and who is effectively convincing his client to go for a Mia Farrow type of style. Then he has to explain to her who Mia Farrow is (you know, she was married to Woody Allen and helpfully adopted and raised the 5-year-old that became his future wife?) At least she seems to be down with having a short cut, like they’re all supposed to be doing.

As the countdown timer reaches 30 minutes left, Jaclyn appears and barks at all the stylists to “Stop!” (record-scratch) She announces in a very serious voice that their guest judge has arrived and introduces TABATHA!!!!

…Yes, Paulo, compare a professional bitch to your amateur…

Lady T strides in looking fabulous and fierce and Lesbiana Dee says “It’s like, ho-leee shit… the bitch is back!” and then she giggles nervously like Mommy just got home and caught her playing “gynecological exam” with a schoolmate. Underdog Nicole is super-excited to see Tabatha because she says she got compared to Tabatha a lot, that people think she’s sassy, and Tabatha is “sassy-PLUS!”

Sassy Plus Lady T wastes no time at all. “Now let’s see who is as good as I was,” she challenges them, ‘It’s time to impress me!” The stylestants feverishly get back to work.

Paulo proves he is the master of the obvious as he’s telling his increasingly upset client “It’s not about what you take off… it’s what you leave on that’s most important! (gay eye-roll)” Well, Paulo, that’s pretty profound. I know that when I get my hair done, I always am concentrating on what the hair they cut off and left on the floor looks like, as opposed to what’s actually, you know, on my head! Paulo is a spiky boob.

Lady T has zeroed in on Nekisa and her crispety-crunchety-haired client, “And you feel that this is a wearable hair cut?” Nekisa replies, “Oh absolutely, don’t you?” and Lady T shoots right back “No, I’m hoping that when it’s finished that maybe it’ll pull it together, but right now I don’t know if it is wearable for her!” Ohhh, I can sure feel the heat from that burn! Cut to Nekisa in interview saying “I definitely think Tabatha is bitchy without merit.”

“I so totally hate Tabatha… Only I have the Bitchy Merit Badge!”

Meanwhile, Straight Guy Matthew is dissing Bitchy Charlie’s Mia Farrow cut. “Charlie cut that lady’s hair all off really short… I did not like it at all… there was nothing soft and beautiful and… feminine about it!” he says in a very prim and prissy (and totally homosexual) tone of voice. I know, I know, Matthew, you love your wife Chuck…

…someone’s eyebrows have a severe case of “wide stance” going on!…

Tabatha has moved on to Bitchy Charlie, who rasps “Are you gonna treat me like a bitch today?” to which Lady T replies, quick as a whip “If you act like one.” Oh Tabatha, we love you. She goes on to mess with Parker, and then sets her sights on our poor Paulo. “Do you think this is a good shape for your client?” (she’s actually graciously not stating the obvious “Do you think this hairstyle is making her look fat?!??”) to which Paulo babbles out a bunch of bullshit about texture and illusion and Photoshopping any pictures they may take of his client.

…ohhhh shiiiiiiit…

Now it’s time for the judging (and talent-assassination) to begin!

Lady T clocks Drag Queen Meredith’s cut as being too frizzy. I think the client agrees with her. I also think that her client looks like the angry bitter divorced algebra teacher I had in eighth grade…

Tabatha wonders if Female Glenn’s cut made her client look older than she is. Glenn thinks that “airy” equals “flirty”. Tabatha openly disagrees.

Lady T asks Bitchy Charlie’s client directly what she thinks, and she says she feels naked, and she loves it! Charlie says that as long as you’re smart and you’re not a wimp and you do something high-fashion, Tabatha’s gonna love it. And then he says he drew a picture of her! Awwww, how stalker-ish!

…Careful Tabatha… I think he owns your soul now…

Nah, actually, I’m just kidding, I think Charlie just admires Tabatha’s bitch-quotient of 167. But, truthfully, his client does look cute (kinda like Dolores O’Riordan from that 90′s Irish group the Cranberries?)

Next up is Lesbiana Dee, who has to defend why she left the sides of her client’s hair so bulky, and she says it’s so her client can just “wake up and go”… to another salon to have that big ol’ mess fixed, I imagine.

Now here is Exotic Nekisa and her damaged goods. Tabatha goes right to the melted part of the woman’s head and says, “So you tried to…well… kind of tried to blend it in or something?” Nekisa sasses back “I didn’t try, I actually went ahead and did it!” Ah ah ah, Nekisa, Lady T is not so easily rebuffed as she declares “It’s not blended, so you didn’t actually do it.” Dead silence. TV manna from heaven!

Straight Guy Matthew’s style seems to receive a stamp of approval from Tabatha. I think his client is just lucky she still has both earlobes.

Parker The Prick is called out for his client’s bangs now being too short. He just bites the pillow and takes it.

Underdog Nicole turned her client into Cleopatra, and Tabatha seems to like it! She asks her if it’s meant to be symmetrical, and Nicole uncertainly gives her a “Yeee-eeessss…?” Tabatha moves on to Dallas Daniel.

Lady T wonders aloud if “flippy means flirty” to him. He defends his choice saying if he hadn’t given her a flip “she would have looked like a big brown football helmet.” Nice backhanded compliment, Daniel!

Emo Gail gets grilled for whether or not her client’s hair is going to “grow” in the heat… she doesn’t think so, and Tabatha assures her “It’ll grow… it’s curly hair!” and further adds it’s going to wind up looking like a pyramid! The other stylestants all share a “Oh no she DI-ent!” glance. You know they’re all loving it. Gail manages to look even more emo than before.

Paulo is once again questioned about whether or not a round shape was the best way to go for his client Sonja, and you gotta love the fact that he stands by his work. Tabatha seems to respect him for that. “Seems” being the key word there. May I remind you…

…ohhhh shiiiiiiit…

Nicole and Charlie are the top two! And once again, Nicole gets stuck in second place as Charlie wins the Short Cut Challenge! Yay, bitchy gravel-voiced bald gay guys!

Now, the bottom two are Paulo and Nekisa (again!). Nekisa’s cut because the shape and the quality of her client’s hair looks bad (half of which is really not her fault, but again, pick a better client, stupid!) and Paulo’s cut for being the wrong shape for his client’s face-shape and hair texture. And the worst cut for Tabatha is Nekisa’s! She tells Nekisa that she’ll be back for the Elimination Challenge (I’m sure Nekisa is doing the mental happy-dance with this news) and that she better step it up. Nekisa cheerily shouts “You got it!”

Back at the house and getting ready to get their draink on, Charlie gleefully prods “Talk to us about Tabatha, Paulo!” who says he was irritated and that he doesn’t think Tabatha “got him” at all, and that he feels like shit because he came “basically next to last” as he’s pouring himself a big straight shot of Smirnoff. Um, you’re standing right next to Nekisa, the girl who DID come in last. Spiky boob. Drag Queen Meredith gets busy toasting to the winners, and then staring directly at Nekisa says “And here’s to the loser!” Ouch, tranny-girl! Sitting around and talking about how mean Tabatha was to everyone, Exotic Nekisa tells DQ Meredith how classy she was when Lady T called her hairstyle frizzy, and they all toast to being classy…

“These tits are real… real expensive!”

The next morning Dallas Daniel minces into the kitchen, sees a note and yells out “Hey y’all, thayir’s a KLEW!” It is accompanied by a plate of 11 numbered oranges that they’re supposed to pick from.

…it’s a KLEW!!!…

The stylestants are all speculating that the oranges mean they’re going to do something with hair color or color correction, which makes Parker The Prick nervous because he apparently doesn’t do much in the way of coloring. Female Glenn says “I thought we would be taking a field trip today so I was thinking maybe the Orange County Correctional Unit or Orange County nursing home…” Wow, Glenn wants to do styling on criminals and old people! How altruistic… and creepy…

This would all have had a lot more suspense if they hadn’t already, you know, shown us all that the Real Housewives of Orange County are to be today’s clients. Charlie is the first to pick up on this as he recalls he already talked shit about them. BURN!

Straight Guy Matthew comes wandering in and sharply observes “What’s with all the oranges?” Glenn says she’d like to see him go home because apparently he’s a bit of Negative Nellie with all his bitchin’ and moanin’. Since he’s the last one out there, the only orange left is number 11, to which he immediately whines “I guess I’m going home so I won’t see you guys again..” which makes Glenn break out in a jig of glee. God, Matthew, for a supposedly straight man, you sure do act like a pussy a lot of the time.

Back at the Salon, the stylestants are barely in the door when René Fris comes prancing at them and says “Stop guyss… I have a big supwise for you todaiy!… Wight behine me I have the toughess cliendz you ever face!” As they all round the corner and see the RHW of OC standing there Dallas Daniel actually faux-faints…

…Drink your juice, Shelby!…

When he recovers the ability to speak Dallas Daniel says “Ah don’t know if ah hayiv evur been so exSAHted.. in mah enTAHR LAHF! These awr the REAL Housewahves of Orange Caounty… in all of thayir glow-ree!” He makes a big heart shape and points it at them! He goes on to say that when they aired Lauri’s wedding at the end of last season, he actually got dressed up and invited friends over and they watched Lauri get married on tv! “Ah crahhhhed … ah laaaayiffed … it was GRAYit!” he gushes. Underdog Nicole says that if she ever got dressed up to pretend that she was at someone’s wedding being shown on TV she would never, ever admit that. You obviously underestimate Delusional Daniel, Nikki. These bitches are his Mary, Mother of God.

…Daniel’s level of crazy slingshots past Charlie’s at warp-speed…

So, of course, the Elimination Challenge is to give the Rich Bitches Of O.C. and their chunky daughters a new hairstyle without losing control and ripping their bleached blonde heads off their necks. Since Charlie grabbed the orange numbered 1, he is paired up with the Rich Bitch holding orange number 1 as well, which turns out to be Tammy’s daughter Megan. Right away Charlie says “Hey pumpkin!” Um, I doubt these ladies like to be called big round squat orange vegetables, Charlie.

Parker The Prick gets Tammy, Gail gets Kimberly (the repeated cancer victim from the first season… I cut her slack for this reason). Ãœber-Gay Paulo gets stuck with BiPolar Vicki, whom he describes as being “really sweet and really nice and all of a sudden RRROOOOWWW freaking out and going off!” Hmmm, this must be what it’s like to work with yourself, BiPaulo! Fifth up, Lesbiana Dee gets Lauri’s step-daughter McKenzie whom she immediately undresses and visually violates with her slightly-crossed eyes. Next, Female Glenn gets her soul-mate Tamra (the self-proclaimed “hottest housewife in O.C.”). Nicole gets former Playboy Playmate and current BBW Jeana, whom she doesn’t really want because she thinks her hair is really stringy and needs a lot of work. Shit, Nicole, her hair is the least of her worries! Next up is Dallas Daniel, who gets Jeana’s daughter Kara (one of the only semi-decent children Jeana has raised). Nekisa gets Lauri, whom I actually feel is one of the more tolerable people on that show. Dallas Daniel likes her, too as he sighs, “Lauri’s hayir looked bYOOtiful… she’s sew pretty… I just wanna touch her hayir an’ put her in mah pocket and take her owt when I wanna look at somethin’ pretty lahk a little jewel-box or somethin’” Danny, honey, you’re making me feel better and better about my sad life all the time. Keep it up! Drag Queen Meredith goes next and gets Vicki’s daughter Briana, and Straight Guy Matthew is left with the “cougar” known as Quinn.

But wait! There’s a twist! Because Charlie won yesterday’s Short Cut Challenge, he gets the option to take someone else’s client away from them. Ditching Megan without so much as a glance, Charlie decides to take “wild child Kara” away from Dallas Daniel, who lets out an icy “BITCH!!” Charlie admits “I’m sure he wasn’t happy… but the bitch has immunity, so whatever!” Ooh, good point! René gives them their two hour time limit and admonishes them to “Go shake it!” Oh, René, I’m sure there will be some shaking of clients going on before too much longer…

Kara (whose ginormous breasts are giving even Charlie a woody) says that he can do whatever he wants to her. I imagine there are a few high school seniors, frat boys, and college professors who have heard those exact same words come slurring their way out of that girl’s mouth. I’m KIDDING, I know she says her rosary (with all 342 Hail Marys) every night!

Surprisingly, the rest of the Housewives are turning out to be extremely picky and stubborn clients, so the stylestants smartly decide to liquor them up with some champagne. This prompts Tamra, who is apparently already drunk, to once again assert that….

…hey, at least she isn’t saying “I’m Oshun… and I’m deep!”.

Poor Ãœber-Gay Paulo can’t keep his client Vicki to sit still in the chair long enough to actually do any styling, as she keeps getting up and shrieking and bouncing around the salon trying to interfere and control her daughter’s life some more. Ahh, rich people are dysfunctional, too. That makes me feel better.

Parker The Prick is at the color station mixing color that he says is “just like cake batter” and then proceeds to completely screw the pooch by admitting to his client Tammy that he doesn’t know how to color hair for shit. Smart move, Shear Stupid!

Meanwhile, René is all up in Gail’s space about what she’s doing for Kimberly. Kimberly doesn’t want her hair to be cut at all and asserts…

Now, if I were Gail, that would have been my cue to bust out my blunt-nosed Kindergarten Safety Scissors and hack off a giant chunk of the bitch’s hair, but Gail is too sad to work up the strength. Bitchy Charlie gives out a big ugh, and says that if he had gotten Vicki he might have gone home of his own volition. You go, girl! I’m with you there, sister!

And now it’s time for the hair show!

First up is Exotic Nekisa’s styling of Lauri… and other than adding a slight amount of curl, she looks almost exactly the same!

Next up is Dallas Daniel’s job on Megan, who Daniel describes as a “rocker chick” and says that she plans to go blonde in a few months, so he gave her something that would be “easy to live with”… Megan looks kinda unhappy with the result.

And heeeeeeeere’s CrazyVicki!! Poor Ãœber-Gay Paulo, she, too, looks almost exactly the same! Too bad your stylist’s chair didn’t come with leather restraints, you might have actually been able to do something for this bitch!

Lo and behold, Nicole once again proves that she’s got some serious skillz, because she took Jeana’s stringy lifeless hair and made it come back to life again with some golden tones. Truthfully, I was impressed by the difference, and I could tell Jeana was likin’ it, too!

Straight Guy Matthew pretty much just round-brushed his client Quinn’s hair… and not much else. Another photo that looks like one of those electronic bar games where you try to find the minute differences between the left side and the right side. Jeez, what a bunch of castrated puss-jobs!

Ditto for Glenn’s job on “hottest housewife” Tamra.

Charlie, on the other hand, actually cut some hair off of his client Future Porn Queen Kara, and actually turned her into what she’s likely to look like on the box of her very first DVD, which I must admit was pretty hot and sultry…

…“My name is Kara… I’ll be your mistress tonight.”…

With Emo Gail and her client Kimberly, we’re back to re-arranging a few individual strands of hair and nothing else…

The back of her hair looks really ugly and clumpy and dead.

Jaclyn doesn’t seem to like it, either…

Next in line for humiliation and degradation on national TV…

Parker The Prick didn’t do much better with poor Tammy, easily the oldest looking of the Housewives… the dark coloring and bangs just don’t work for her. For some reason, whenever I look at her, I get visions of Loretta Lynn…

…which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it’s not exactly a soft comparison, either. And it doesn’t help that Loretta is probably about 20 years older than Tammy…

Lesbiana Dee’s time spent molesting McKenzie resulted in a giant shit-brown stripe down the side of her head and about an inch of hair being removed. Still, it is some kind of change… Lesbiana Dee is wearing a sweater vest that says “IT’S NOT A PHASE” on it…. Like there was any doubt for you, girl…

Lastly…

We have Drag Queen Meredith’s client Briana, who was given a heavy set of bangs and some low-lights that make her look like her hair is wet and possibly greasy… I say MISS…

Jaclyn reminds Dallas Daniel that he has immunity, and then pronounces the following stylists to be safe: Nicole, Matthew, Nekisa, and Meredith, and they all leave.

The judges call out Emo Gail for not really doing anything with Kimberly’s hair (and Tabatha helpfully adds that the ends look dirty! Kimberly’s face is priceless!)

…”bring your Glamazon ass over here and I’ll show you who’s dirty…”…

Next up Parker totally embarrasses the everloving fuck out of his client Tammy when he reveals to the judging panel (and the tv-viewing nation) that she colored her own hair out of a box…

…”Thanks for your discretion you little queen!”…

(record scratch) WTF??!??! I thought these bitches were the Real Housewives of Orange County, where image is everything. How fucking cheap do you have to be to have all that money and be coloring your hair with Miss Clairol #23B (“Morticia Black”)? Still, that was pretty rude of Parker to put that out there (and I love him for it!). Jaclyn tries to go for a Paula Abdul save and compliments Parker and Tammy on the “shine”. Yes, those studio lights work wonders, don’t they?

Next up for beheading is Glenn, who blabs for 2 minutes about how she and Tamra couldn’t compromise on a hair length, when Kim Vo cuts her off and says the real issue is the color. He invents a new term for Tamra, and it’s “blonderexic”. Again, the reaction is priceless…

…”heyyyy, I’m the hottest, most blonderexic housewife in Orange County!”…
Ouch!

Bitchy Charlie is up next, and he smartly indicates that he did not want to mess around with Kara’s black hair color under time constraints (take notice stylestants). Tabatha says she wishes he had taken a smidge more off the bangs and Charlie graciously exclaims “I’ll take it, Mommy!”

Lesbiana Dee says that big diarrhea stripe on the side of McKenzie’s head is her “signature”. When Kim Vo asks her if she’s gonna keep that, McKenzie admits she’s likely to lighten it up some, to which Kim responds with “Blonderexia!!”

Ãœber-Gay Paulo says that he was under the threat of castration from CrazyVicki if he cut her hair too short, so he trimmed off 1/847th of an inch from it. Kim Vo busts him that the hair is exactly the same.

Gail is scared that she’s going to go home and is already sad and crying like the true tortured emo soul that she is. In the top three are Glenn, Dee and Charlie… and Charlie wins it! Oooh, first one to win both the Short Cut Challenge AND the Elimination Challenge. He immediately gays out all over the place….

Oh Charlie, I love you, too, ya big ol’ bitchy queen! And he gets immunity next week, too!

In the bottom three (wah wah wah waaaaah) are Paulo, Gail and Parker… first up to be saved by the bell… it’s I’m-So-Sure-I’m-Going-Home-Gail!!! Immediately upon this announcement Jaclyn notices that Dallas Daniel is weeping hysterically because he just has gotten so close to everyone in two short weeks. Charlie immediately calls bullshit and says “Girl… the Oscars are over, baby! I know you wanna win Best Supporting Actress, but really!” I have to agree, this ain’t about you Daniel, so shut your yap and dry your drama queen eyes!

…drama hour’s over, Tallulah…

Even more ludicrous, Straight Guy Matthew, sensing that these kind of shenanigans might garner him some sympathy and possibly more air time seems to be doubled over with emotion, too.

I’m sorry, but the more I see of him, the less I believe he’s really straight, he slips into Drama Queen Modeâ„¢ waaaay too quickly and easily…

Meanwhile, back with the actual stylestants that are, you know, actually in danger of being sent home… it’s Ãœber-Gay Paulo who is safe, and Parker The Prick who gets the axe, a victim of his lack of coloring skills. To give him some credit, his exit speech was certainly a mountain of class above Oshun’s “This is bullshit!” comment from last week. Also, in his exit interview he states that he is taking home a certain amount of humility with hi-

…Sorry, I accidentally fell on the floor as I typed that. A reality show contestant who realizes that their overwhelming ego was partially responsible for their downfall and looking to make a change for the better? This does not happen often, people! I’m now looking at Parker like he’s a unicorn! Sorry I called you a prick the last 53 times I typed your name, dude.

What did you think of this episode? Did you agree with Parker being sent packing, or should Paulo have been pushed onto a plane? Should I stop trying to push pitiful alliterations in this paragraph? Is anyone still reading after all these pages?

On a final note, I just want to say thanks to all the gasmii for your warm welcome and your kind compliments. Not all recaps are going to be this long, so please don’t fear that you must invest a half-hour every time I post something. As the weeks progress and we narrow down the stylestants, things will be a little more brief. This episode was just so chock full of great stuff I felt I had to share it with you all.

Love, J-Mo