Shear Genius – Yes, Darling, you TOO can have this colour… it’s called “Bloody Meredith” (Part 2)

Well, well, well, here we are again… when we last left our fearless stylestants of Shear Genius, a fight had broken out between Lesbiana Dee and Bitchy Charlie over whether or not the Short Cut Challenge called “Nexxus Salon Swap” had truly showcased their talents… Lesbiana Dee was of the opinion that she had won by skill whereas Charlie seemed to believe she got lucky and that her client’s hair had been the least likely to cause Jaclyn Smith and VampiRoy Teeluck to explosively vomit all over each other. And speaking of pukey, I almost forgot to mention that at this point in private interview, Bitchy Charlie had this interesting nugget to impart… “Everybody’s always running around, like “We’re friends, we all get along!”, well that’s a fucking lie, we do not like each other, and I am the only one that tells the truth! I have three faces, the two I use during the day… and the one I use to stab you in the back!”

…Charlie’s “stabby face” and Meredith’s “drunk and ready to pass out face”…

They were both effectively silenced when Drag Queen Meredith reminded them they were being assholes. And with that, we continue after the jump!The sun also rises, and the hung-over stylestants slouch their way back into the Shear Genius Salon where they are greeted by the Unholy Twisted Sisters that are René Fris (“Hi hi stywestants!”) and VampiRoy Teeluck (“I vant to dreenk you blood!”)…

…Gay Man Of Blue Steel and The Dark Oily Knight…

René hacks away at the English Language some more, as he says “Wailcome to you fourth eliminaytion challenge… you haff arready mait owa gayst jodge Woy Teelock!” Dear GOD, but VampiRoy really has some jacked up teefs! Anyhow, René continues: “Todaiy is the Naixxus Salon Loook elimiNAYtion challenge. You will haff to geeve you cliends a style that look gweat inde salon, and will conteenue to look juz as good… ad home!” Um, isn’t that kind of the whole point of going to get your hair did? “Yo cliend needz to be able to mayntayn thad ‘jess lefzesalon look’ wizzout you hailp!” Boy, this week is full of the Unfair Challenges… if I had any fucking clue how to make my hair have that “jess lefzesalon look” don’t you think I would? This is gonna suck, big time.

VampiRoy chimes in with “A classic mistake most stylists make is giving their client a style that they can never replicate at home on their own! The key to today’s challenge is to listen to your client…” Unlike yesterday where Lesbian Dee was praised for bulldyki- er, I mean bulldozing her client into doing what she wanted. Well, she makes shit happen. Or she stirs it up. Whichever. Meanwhile Exotic Nekisa is back to attempting to use her extensive knowledge of “The Secret” to try and crawl out of being a bottom-dweller as she says “If I’m gonna win any challenge, it’s gotta be this one! I do this in the salon all the time…” Shut up, Nekisa, you and your bitchy bag of big-boobed bullshit should just stop talking until you drag your sorry ass out of the Bottom Two…

…Nekisa, Queen Of Wishful Thinking…

René beams and says “Sooo guyss, leds bwing oud you cliendz! Dee, sinze you won yaistadaiy Showt Cot Challenge you getta chewse you cliend fuhst! You also getta assaiyn evwybody else’s cliend!” Ohhhhh fuuuuuuuck, Charlie-honey, you are so screeeeeeewed!

…clearly feeling she is now in the same league as power-lesbians Rosie, Ellen and Oprah…

Ãœber-Gay Paulo hits the bobby-pin on the head when he observes, “After a few fights between Dee and Charlie, I think Dee’s pissed off and angry!” No shit Skunklocks! Bitchy Charlie, while clearly shitting his pants isn’t kidding himself, either, “If there was ever a time to have immunity, it’s right now.” *gulp* Anyhow, Lesbiana Dee immediately power-stomps her way over to the clients and starts feeling them up. I mean their hair, she starts feeling their hair. She finds a woman with very thick hair who has also dyed it Midnight Offerings Blackâ„¢ and this is making Ãœber-Gay Paulo very nervous as he says “This lady looked like she had about, like, 4 tons of hair… Dee, I’ve been nice to you, so don’t give me that head of hair to work with…” Oh Paulo, girl, you ain’t got nothin’ to worry about… there’s only one gay guy that Dee’s a-gunnin’ for…

However, receiving the next best client and therefore benefitting from Dee’s Lesbionic Benevolence today is none other than… Exotic Nekisa! In interview Lesbiana Dee alleges “I chose Nekisa’s model first because I just wanted to give her a fair shot and because I want to bury my face in her breasts…” Okay, well she didn’t say the breasts part, but come ON, it’s so obvious! Bitchy Charlie agrees with me as he observes, “Dee picked her girlfriend Nekisa first… shocker!” However, Exotic Nekisa coquettishly demurs, “Dee does not have a crush on me! I think that she picked me first because… I’m lovely!” Um, don’t kid yourself, Nekisa… I have a pretty good idea of what’s running through Lesbiana Dee’s head right about now…

…bowm-chicka-bow-bow-chicka-wocka-chicka-wocka…

Next Her Fair Graciousness gives clients to Emo Gail, Dallas Daniel, Ãœber-Gay Paulo, Underdog Nicole, Female Glenn, and second-to-last… Drag Queen Meredith. Our Big-Balled DQ girl rationalizes that she was given the curly-haired model by Dee “prabably because she knows I teach curly hyair-cutting clyasses for a lyiving… I lyike curly hyair, which was awf’lly kyind of her…” Is she serious? Because to me it looks like the only person Lesbiana Dee hates more than Meredith is Bitchy Charlie… and gee, who could be the very last stylestant to be chosen and who receives the 4-Ton Black-Haired Maven?

…”Thanks, Dee! I love you tooo-oooooo!”…

Lesbiana Dee has apparently ditched that whole “fairness” idea (except where Nekisa’s concerned) and freely admits “I chose Charlie last, and honestly, it’s strategy… I’m not gonna give him the best model to work on…” Yeah, you know, the funny thing about Dee’s strategy is that it’s so brilliantly and exquisitely stupid… and it’s not going to work for actually getting rid of Charlie because… DUH, he has immunity! If she was so smart, she would have written off Charlie for this Challenge and gone after one of the other stylestants who are a threat to her victory, such as Dallas Daniel or Female Glenn….

…”uhhhhhhhhhh”…

Bitch, please, it ain’t got nothin’ to do with strategy, just be honest and admit that you’re angry that Charlie’s won more challenges than you, and you’re upset that he wouldn’t back down in your silly argument with him the night before, and so you wanted to embarrass him!

Anyhow, VampiRoy tells the stylestants that the winner of today’s challenge will appear in the Nexxus Salon Hair Care Advertorial in “Allure” magazine! What’s an “advertorial”? I dunno, but the stylestants are all very excited about it, especially Female Glenn who explains “That’s NAYtional exposure t’be in ev’ry bookstore, grocery store, I just… that would be sew aMAYzing!” Did she always have a nose-ring? Hmmmm. René Fris gives them 90 minutes to complete the challenge and admonishes them to…

And they’re off! Drag Queen Meredith is discussing her client’s curly hair with her, and says in interview “I was trying to gyive my clyient the minimal amount of strayitening or smoothing thyat she hadta doo… this time, I’ll be dyamned if I’m not gonna win!” Way to bounce back there, Meredith, I’m liking you so much more when you’re not being forced to kiss some Closet-Case’s Wife-Loving Ass!

Meanwhile, Her Almighty Highness Lesbiana Dee is back to annoy with her assertion that “I know I’m gonna win today! Back home I set up education… it’s in the bag!” Whatevs. Underdog Nicole approaches it from a strategic standpoint as she says, “I asked my model specifically what she does in the morning so she could style it how she always styles it and I wouldn’t have to teach her anything dramatically new!” Well, that’s certainly logical, she might have something there, but then she zooms back to DumbAssLand when she starts talking shit about Bitchy Charlie and saying that “coloring and cutting isn’t his strength!” Wow, didn’t he just win the challenge last week with his coloring skills that amazed Boring Gay Guys and Z-List Soap Stars? Nicole is talking out her ass.

However, Charlie’s not exactly trying too hard this week as he claims his client just colored her hair and so he has no reason to color it again. I think this is going to be trouble for him. René zeroes in on this as he comes by Charlie’s station… when he finds out Charlie thinks this woman’s raven locks are not a problem (because she’s Latina) he says “Aaaa you playing eet sayfe wight now?” and Charlie says “Never! I’m always trying to be in the top, never ever do I miss out on a fight… if there’s a fight, I’m there!” It’s so cute, René seems to really like sparring with Charlie and gives him a big grin and a gay shoulder-touch (the equivalent of straight guys punching each other in the arm) and sashays off.

René stops the stylestants to tell them one… mow… thaing… “The elimiNAYtion fo thiss challenge will no take playz tonight… Isstead, you cliendz will gohomme and wetunn inna mowning… they will haff thirdy miniss inna salon tomawow to recreayde the style thad you aaa giving thaim todaiy… without ainy hailp from you!”…

…Faces of Death…

He continues, “The clog iz tigging, so go shaygedd!” Ugh, this is not one of your better catch-phrases, Bravo… I think the only one I find more annoying is “Seeya later, decorator!” Anyhow, Charlie has now officially lost control of his bowels and is evacuating them all over his client as he laments that they only have 25 minutes left to style and cut, and his client has too much hair… over his shoulder you can see René looking at him with a great deal of interest as he lip-reads Charlie’s bitching, bobbing and head-weaving…

…Sorry, Charlie… it’s not nice to fool the Gay Avenger!…

Underdog Nicole is hoping her strategy is going to pay off in that she’s not trying to show her client how to use a big round-brush or a flat-iron, just the blow-drier. Drag Queen Meredith is not so lucky, as she apparently is having her client memorize a 128-point checklist for how to style her own hair. Damn, Meredith, I was hoping your extensive insider view of the World Of Curly Hair was going to help you this time, but it seems like she’s just making things impossible for herself. The other stylestants are all giving their clients last-minute instructions that they will promptly forget, and time has run out! They are all dismissed from the Salon until the morning…

Back to the House Of Hair Hatred, they trample one another to get their hands on their alcoholic beverage of choice and we are treated to a cozy (i.e. nauseating) image of BFFs Exotic Nekisa and Lesbiana Dee on the couch sharing a private toast…

…now, which one is the lesbian again??…

Their little “yay for vaginas!” party is drawing sidelong glances from several others in the house. Ãœber-Gay Paulo calls it like he sees it, “Dee has a crush on Nekisa! It’s very clear and obvious, you know, she thinks she’s hot, and, you know, she IS hot! (gay eye-roll)” As Lesbiana Dee continues to drink, she completely refutes the speculation as she slurs, “I really wanna come make out with, um, Nekisa!”…

…one way love, thought we had somethin’… girl, you played me for a fool…

A drunken Dee goes on to blatantly make her power play by stretching and saying “I need a fuckin’ massage, so baaaaaad…” as she gives Exotic Nekisa her best Smoldering Glanceâ„¢ over her shoulder. Everyone else is making fun of this and Underdog Nicole wonders if Nekisa is really aware that Dee wants to munch her carpet clean or if it’s all just going over her head. Exotic Nekisa weighs in with, “Just because she’s gay, and just because we’re close friends now, I feel like, everyone’s like, ‘Oh, Dee’s got a crush on you!’ Whatever, I don’t care, I’m married, jeez! I’m all personality… and good looks!” Yeah, in other words “Yes, I’m totally using Dee’s misplaced affections to further myself in the competition…” What a bitch. I may not care for Lesbiana Dee so much, but I know what it’s like to have an object of your desire use that against you to get what they want out of you, and it’s some truly despicable behavior… I’m about three seconds from running out and registering NekisaIsAPussyTease.com. And since when did being married mean anything about whether or not someone’s gonna fool around on the homsexual side of the tracks? (Anyone? Anyone? Matthew?) Ugh, I’m leaving this grody display behind (and gee, Dee, wonder what your “wonderful girlfriend” is gonna think when she sees you sniffing around Nekisa’s crotch, hmmmm?)…

It’s the next day and back at the Shear Genius Nexxus Salon, René Fris is back to reiterate all the same shit he said yesterday, the clients have 30 minutes to recreate the styling they got the day before, the stylestants cannot offer any advice at all… and then they’re going to walk the runway in front of all the judges! And their time starts and the ladies begin to try and put the puzzle pieces back together again. Underdog Nicole is pretty confident as she points out a good haircut will style itself. I feel you, girl, and that’s why I wear a buzz cut! Nicole’s client was done in 8 minutes! I still have her beat, because mine takes 10 seconds! Ha ha, I win! Nicole thinks it’s hysterical watching all the other clients struggling with various tools and having painful looks on their faces (curling iron burns are not fun, just ask my little sister if she remembers trying to work her crispy mall bangs in the late 80′s). Some of the other stylestants are hovering like vultures over their client’s backs…

…looks like Lesbiana Dee wore her best wifebeater for today’s challenge…

Lesbiana Dee is still styling herself King Of The Universe as she grandly states, “I know my client is going to be able to recreate my style, I have total faith in her, and the haircut is there to support the style, so there’s no way that I’m not gonna win this one!” We’ll see, Dee…

So let’s kick this hair show off with reintroduction of the judges by Jaclyn (Secret Asian Man Kim Vo, Constipated White Woman Kelly Atterton, and VampiRoy!) and let’s get it started in here!…

We start today with Underdog Nicole and her Amazing 8 Minute Hair Do!…

Nicole says her client has naturally wavy hair, so by teaching her to twist it and blow dry it, she was done in 8 minutes! Only 8 minutes! Aren’t you impressed with 8 minutes?? Nicole sure is.

Now we have Dallas Daniel’s newest Dallas Hayir Creationâ„¢…

It seems to me like everybody Daniel touches winds up looking Scandihoovian. I think ABBA is probably his ultimate inspiration… Mamma mia!

And here’s Exotic Nekisa’s latest bid for winding up in the Bottom Three…

Yup, having her client part her hair on the other side really made all the difference. Let’s move on to Bitchy Charlie’s Elvira Mistress Of The Dark…

Well, it certainly looks shorter than it did, and she seems to have faithfully recreated what he taught her to do, but I think they’re gonna blow his butthole to pieces over not lightening that jet black coloring job. Charlie lost his balls and played it safe.

Now we see Lesbiana Dee’s client…

You know, Dee’s client’s hair seems to be just as dark as Charlie’s, but no one seems concerned about that. Hmmmmm, once again, I hear the words “contradictory” and “arbitrary” bouncing around in my head…. along with the words “hungry” and “ice cream”…

Which brings us to Ãœber-Gay Paulo’s girl…

His client makes this weird She-Ra Princess Of Power Pose when she gets down to the end of the runway. Kelly Atterton is not amused. I bet Paulo told her to do that, cuz he’s the only one who laughs. Spiky boob.

Oh wow. Wow. Here’s Drag Queen Meredith’s poor client…

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Meredith’s client possibly missed steps 48 through 127 on her styling checklist (but I’ll bet she completed Step #128: Burst Into Tears.) She looks like a meth addict, and her stare is unnerving. Dammit, Meredith, you’re supposed to be better than this!

Let’s move on to Female Glenn’s client…

This woman actually looks quite nice, and is giving me shades of Cougar Quinn from the Real Housewives Of Rich-Bitch Land! She’s a bit on the BBW side, but she carries herself confidently and seems to really like the style Glenn taught her. Yay for somebody not sucking!

Last to go is Emo Gail’s Girl Smiley…

Gail goes into this long involved explanation of the “Four Ponytails” technique and my eyes are glazing over so I’ll skip it and just say the most memorable part of it was where Gail told her client to “just mess it up!”. Okay.

Yay, now we get to find out who falls under the categories “Awesome”, “Meh” and “Blurk!” It seems that today Dallas Daniel, Emo Gail and Ãœber-Gay Paulo are safely in the ever-shrinking middle, so they’re allowed to head to the break room and have some microwave popcorn. Mmmmmm, microwave popcorn. Be right back…

Okay *munch* I’m back. The judges are going in for a closer look. Female Glenn’s client was able to cut her styling time down to 23 minutes from between 30-45 minutes! That’s still not as good as 8 minutes, though! Glenn loves being loved, though, so it’s cool.

Moving on to Drag Queen Meredith… she gives her explanation on why her client looks like a burnt sienna mushroom… and it’s not a good sign that Kim Vo wants to get an even closer look and says he can’t get past the shape. To be fair, Meredith does point out that a lot of people either cut or colored, and she did both in an hour and a half. Poor thing, you shoulda picked one or the other, too, but at least Jaclyn gives her a warm fuzzy for the color being improved. It won’t put you in the top three, but at least Jaclyn’s being nice to you…

…”I hate all of you bitches…”…

Next up, Bitchy Charlie admits that he did not address his client’s color issues, and that they mostly just “hung out” for an hour and a half. Kim Vo immediately cauterizes Charlie’s mouth shut when he says “Unfortuately, it shows!” Charlie starts stammering and trying to make excuses, but Jaclyn actually nails him next and says “Charlie, you had immunity so it seems like you were playing it safe…” VampiRoy jumps in with “That’s when you pull out the guns and do things that are outside of the box!” and then Kelly Atterton delivers the coup de grace with “It could have been a lot better!” and Jaclyn jumps back in with “You’re lucky you have immunity!” Bleeding heavily and nursing his wounds, Charlie shuts up and takes it. And Lesbiana Dee is grinning from ear to ear!

…Watching Charlie get cornholed is fun for Dee!…

Wellll, he may have boned it this time, but at least Charlie knows when to shut up and take the criticism, unlike some other people who tend to roll their eyes and stop listening… *cough*nekisa*cough* The judges and stylestants both have a tension-breaking laugh as Jaclyn admits “I think you received the message, Charlie!” Yay for pillow-biting!

Now The Amazing And Magical Lesbiana Dee gets her turn to explain that her client is a “low maintenance girl” (you could definitely apply that label to Dee, too!) and that she taught her the mysterious art of Blow Drying Your Hair Upside Down! This secret has been well-kept throughout the ages, dating back to ancient times (how else do you think Jesus got His hair to have so much body and lift in all those paintings of Him feeding the poor and healing the sick?) It turns out Dee actually did color her client’s hair and put some highlights in for “pop” (I couldn’t really see them, but VampiRoy apparently saw them and liked them). Well, perhaps Dee was able to back up her trash talk after all, but I still think she’s a bit of a moron (and I can’t get over the fact of her wearing a wife-beater to an Elimination Challenge)… but kudos to her for making her girl look nice.

Jaclyn moves on to Exotic Nekisa, who keeps fiddling with her client’s bangs, and smoothing them over to the side while she’s blabbling about the highlights and lowlights she put in her hair… she does this bang-smoothing thing, like three times in about 10 seconds, and it doesn’t escape Kim Vo’s eagle eyes….

…cuz he says “Every time you’re playing with her bang, putting it back… I see how you styled it… it was different than how she styled it.” Girl, you are so busted! Nekisa lamely tries to cover by claiming “I play with hair a lot, you know?” and Kim says “It looks like you’re correcting her… I feel like you’ve taken extraordinary to ordinary…”

…”I hate all of you bitches…”…

After pouting and seething for a few minutes, Nekisa admits that she did not cut her client’s hair, because she spent so much time on the coloring of it. Ah HA!, now it’s clear, and it’s so not surprising given her stellar track record (but she sure knows how to find time to get irritated and complain about Bitchy Charlie winning two weeks in a row). Blech, let’s move on from this bitch, I’m tired of her craptacular skills.

Thankfully it’s Underdog Nicole’s turn, and she explains that instead of learnin’ her client how to use all them fancy-schmancy roundy brushes and flat-arns, she taught her to just twist her hair around with her fingers and blow dry it like that, and she was done in 8 minutes! 8! Minutes! That’s great, Nicole, but then she decides to head on over to BitchLand and says in a very smug tone of voice, “We completely redid her entire color and gave her a whole new cut in an hour and a half and obviously for some stylists today that was a bit of a challenge!” They cut to Charlie giving her dagger eyes… or maybe that was his stabby face, I wasn’t sure. God, it’s like these people just can’t stay away from cutting each other down… I love it!

Jaclyn dismisses them while the judges take time out to ruminate on who sucked the hardest, and who rocked their shit…

…being judgmental with your BFFs is totally fun!…

In the break room, Female Glenn says flat out “Ah would give mah raht tit raht now for that, um, magazine ad… y’know, ah’ve nayvur been published, so for me, it would be the haghlaght of mah career, probably!” Everyone looks thoughtful for a moment at her naked honesty, and then Drag Queen Meredith glumly says “Yeah, and a bummer for myine, ‘cuz I teach cutting curly hyair…” Ohhh, I’m not liking this at all…

Back in the Inner Circle Of Judgment, Female Glenn’s style gets love from all four judges (except Kim Vo says the bangs were a little high for him… well, wait two weeks and they’ll be perfect for you Queenella!). Moving on to Drag Queen Meredith, Ms. Vo flat out says “It looked like a squid!” Ouch, this is even more ominous. Jaclyn and VampiRoy say the coloring was an improvement, though. Talk about damning with faint praise!

Regarding Bitchy Charlie’s cut, Kim Vo says “I wanted a bat, cuz it looked like a piñata!” Someone’s been practicing her sound bites, obviously. Practice harder darling. The other judges can’t find much of anything nice to say about it, either. Everybody loves Dee’s cut, though, and she looks like she might be headed towards her third win!… but not so for Exotic Nekisa, who is raked over the coals for having spent all her time on the coloring, and not enough on cutting or styling! Reoowwwrrr! They bandy about the whole 8 minutes thing regarding Underdog Nicole’s cut some more, and Kim Vo complains about the bangs again.

They bring everyone back in and Lesbiana Dee, Female Glenn and Underdog Nicole are called up as the top three! Once again, Nicole can’t quite get the win as she’s told she is not Shear Genius… and it’s down to Glenn and Dee… and it’s a Deenial, ‘cuz Miss Glenn wins the challenge and the “Allure” Advertorial!…

…just when I think they are all hateful, some humanity surfaces!…

Female Glenn is overwhelmed and overcome with emotion over her win, because this is something she really wanted (oh yeah, and the immunity part), and it appears like all the others are actually genuinely happy for her! Awww, that makes me feel uncomfortable….

But never fear, because we still have to find out who out of Exotic Nekisa, Bitchy Charlie, and Drag Queen Meredith is going home… of course it’s not Charlie, because of his immunity, and he gets some more shit from Jaclyn over his playing it safe this week so we’re down to Nekisa and Meredith…

…”Oh my GAD, let’s just get it owver wyith!”…

Jaclyn starts by saying “Nekisa….” and this bitch rolls her eyes again! Good God, could she have become any more unlikeable in one short week? Lesbiana Dee looks scared her new honeypot might be going home, too… and Jaclyn finishes “…you are safe.” Dammit! In interview, Nekisa says “I thought for sure I was going home today… but I’m still here in this competition so it’s ‘game on’ every time!” Um yeah, like it was “game on” the last umpteen times you were in the bottom, you talent-free hack? I’m going to start some Santeria rituals to send this girl home, I’m so over her!

Meanwhile, our little Drag Queen Meredith is going home! *snif* Jaclyn gives her a chance to say some final words, and you know, the girl goes the classy route and says she had a great time and that everyone’s been fun, and that it’s just “unfortunate that there’s just different opinions in the world and you gotta live with it…” I think I picked it wrong at the beginning… Meredith would have been the cool girlfriend you could hang out and get drunk with, Nekisa’s the one who would expect you to pay her alcoholic bar tab (even if you’re gay). Ãœber-Gay Paulo’s face expresses how they all seem to feel about Meredith’s departure…

…”All it took was one look at Dallas Daniel, and I started in, too!”…

Everyone is hugging Meredith and ignoring Nekisa, who looks like she is finally realizing that her skin-of-the-teeth saves are fast running out (and I think she also knows that she really could have gone home, too, lesbian protector or no). Jaclyn tells them all that the challenges are only going to get harder, so they’re all going to have to work harder to stand out from their fellow stylestants….

And that’s it! What did you think of the outcome? Did you agree that Meredith deserved to go, or should Nekisa have been packing her skank-ho-bags and going back to Hayward? Do you think Dee will try to “bang” her before she gets cut?

I apologize about the two-part posting… next time I will still be posting two parts, but I will only post them when I have both of them completed. As always, I love all of your fabulous comments, my dear fellow gasmii, and I look forward to next week’s episode!

love, J-Mo

P.S. Just so you all know, next week’s recap is going to be a few days late… I am heading to Louisville, Kentucky on Thursday to dance backup and help dress my drag-queen friend who is competing in the Miss Gay Entertainer Of The Year Pageant… but I’ll be back and busting ass on the recap come the following Monday, jet-lag or no…. kissy-smooches!