She’s Got the Look: Grannies Gone Nudie

Hey Gasmii,

Here we are in the second week of She’s Got the Look and we’re down to our ten gorgeous, yet mature, finalists. Of course, this show is all about respecting these women’s age and dignity, so what are they going to do with them this week? Oh, yeah, they’re gonna get naked. Nothing like granny’s gone nudie to reinforce the idea of maturity and grace. And, of course, if that doesn’t spike your interest, there’s always the hope that the Kimsicle will thaw out enough to strip down with them, but I doubt it…

Dear Lord in Heaven, please don’t let her strip.

For those of us that missed last week, or have relegated it to a blur in our distant past, the Kimsicle narrates a quick flashback down memory lane, giving us an opportunity to once again wave goodbye to the women who did not make it into our final ten. Then, we’re treated to a picture show of our finalists labeled with their names and, of course, their all important ages. All of the numbers seem to be in sync with last week, except for ‘nothing straight about me’ Paula’s age; no surprise there. Last week she was at a hesitant 36. This week the show is listing her as 37. And, shouts out to Intense, who kindly pointed out that Paula was also a contestant in “Who Wants to be a Superhero 2,” which aired in 2007 and listed her age as 31. All of this was a little much for me, so I decided to go straight to the source and check out the info on Paula’s Myspace page, because somewhere, someone told a big fat age whopper. There it was for everybody to read, Paula’s age listed as a mature 99 years old.

I think its safe to say that Granny’s looking pretty good for a centurion wannabe.

The Morning Call

After an exciting day that cut the 20 semifinalists down to ten, the women retired to their loft and we catch up with them in the wee hours of the next morning as they drag their tired asses out of bed. TVLand shows us a clip of the Statue of Liberty, perhaps as an inspiring symbol of feminine age and grace, while the alarm clock buzzs away and the photogs presumably sneak into the ladies’ rooms to catch their first bleary-eyed blinks.

Please tell me I’m dreaming this.

Our women start the day by feeding their various caffeine, nicotine and false eyelash addictions. Seriously, Tanya, bless her heart, says she can’t start her day without them; the false eyelashes that is. I’ve got to respect this woman. I’m definitely not a jump out of bed and glue kind of girl. I’m more like a crawl toward the coffee machine, don’t talk to me until I’ve had my second cup, kind of girl. Bahia tells us in her husky, sexy, French accent that the whole experience is blowing her away and she never thought she could do this at her age. Meanwhile, Kathy the ambivalent mom is calling home and from the number of times she has to ask, “are you guys awake?” It seems like her boys are kind of hoping to catch some morning zzzz’s while mom’s away from home. Kathy manages to tell her family that she made the top ten, but I kind of get the feeling that the response on the other side is along the lines of “Great mom, talk to you later.” For her own part, Kathy is having some serious separation anxiety.

Hip Hip Hoorway, I made the top ten. Can I come home now?

Hope manages to walk past the phone at just the right time to see the message light blinking. Good thing Hope thought to check it or they might have missed a big day. The women gather around the phone to listen to the Kimsicle’s defrosted robotic voice. Not only is it the perfect compliment to the answering machine, but there’s the side benefit that nobody really expects an answering machine to emote. I have to say that this segment is recalling long past episodes of Charlie’s Angels. The Kimsicle instructs the ladies to scrub their faces, pack their day bags and be ready for a big change in 15 minutes. Thank God Hope managed to see that message just as soon as it was left or the ladies might have missed out on that 15 minute window.

Finally, a role that can showcase the Kimsicles’ full dramatic range.

The Makeovers

The women’s field trip takes them to the Warren-Triconi salon for my favorite part of model/reality shows, THE MAKEOVER!! WooHoo!! And, this time there’s a small army of professionals to make sure these woman are done right. Not only are the contestants going to be treated to the expertise of both Joel Warren and Edward Triconi, but they’ll also have the advice of two agents from Wilhelmina Models and somebody name Sean from Makeup Designery. And let me say right off the bat, that it’s not fair to make fun of Edward Triconi’s unfortunate, but obvious resemblance. I’m sure that he has to live with snide remarks everyday and I’m not going to add to them. After all, if he’s going to have the courage to go through life as the embodiment of a Harry Potter character who am I to criticize.

I’m just saying.

As far as the two Wilhelmina agents go, I’m a little confused. What I really want to know is why women that look like this would be trusted to give top fashion advice.

Seriously, aren’t these people supposed to be at the forefront of the fashion world?

After the introductions have been made, the Kimsicle tells our women that, while they’re all beautiful in their own right, they need to bring out features that will help them as working models. Kathy, the ambivalent mom, is pretty nervous about the entire makeover thing, informing us that she’s cancelled Christmas because of a bad haircut. Honey, have you looked at your hair lately?

How long since you’ve celebrated Christmas?

The makeover SWAT team goes from woman to woman giving a walk through critique. Snape Edward wants to take Karin’s hair shorter. Joel doesn’t like Hope’s hair color. The agents from Wilhelmina want to take a weed-wacker to Kathy’s hair and they think that Roxanne needs a more modern look. Joel thinks Sharon’s blond hair is too “out there. Fried, dyed and twisted.” The agents are in agreement that all Bahia needs is a modern shaping to bring out her gorgeous cheekbones; Tanya needs to get rid of her false eyelashes; and they’re definitely not feeling Paula’s fauxhawk. But, they save the really cutthroat critique for Melissa telling her that she looks way too 80′s and nobody would know what to do with her. Melissa is shocked, having no idea that she looked 80′s, but she trusts these guys. The thing is that I don’t think it’s just Melissa’s hair that looks 80′s. I think she has a style of beauty that was really popular back then and, short of radical plastic surgery, I’m not sure that a new haircut is really going to change that.

The hair and makeup elves get to work, combing, washing, cutting and drying. Most of the women are loving the attention. Sharon tells us that it’s going to be quite an experience for her. I have to say I’m a little sad that they’re dying Sharon’s hair. I really like the blond doo. Celeste is feeling like a queen, while Bahia feels more and more beautiful as they keep cutting and Karin tells us that she finally belongs among these women. And, then, there’s Paula. She’s stuck with Snape Edward, who seems to have the same winning personality as the character he resembles. Showing absolutely no tact or sensitivity, he bluntly tells her that she has too little hair to cut and that there’s nothing to do, but maybe get her some wigs. Now, you know, if this was ANTM they’d be stitching hair extensions directly into Paula’s scalp, because Tyra isn’t squeamish about a little blood and a little pain. I’m thinking that maybe Paula would have preferred that approach and I’m feeling a little bad for her. I’d be wanting a makeover too instead of the lame combover they give her. Not surprisingly, Paula is kvetching to Sharon saying, “You can’t tell me that this looks cute on my head.” And Sharon does this awesome job of reassuring her and being supportive. I am so hoping that Sharon wins this thing. Overall, the makeovers seem to have gone well and all the women look better with the possible exception of Roxanne.

Roxanne:

Bahia:

Sharon:

Karin:

Kathy:

Tanya:

Melissa:

Paula:

Celeste:

Hope:

The Leg Up Challenge

After the makeovers, the Kimsicle gathers the freshly coiffed contestants around her and, forcing her brows and cheeks into a semblance of a surprised, appreciative expression, tells them, “Wow, you girls all look fabulous.” Kim may have been frozen for a long time, but she can still pull out her trademark happy face from her modeling career.

I’ve still got it.

Addressing the women in a voice she might use for a nursery school class, the Kimsicle explains that it’s time for their first competition; a little something that she calls the Leg Up Challenge. Who thought of these names? Anyway, the winner of the challenge will receive and reward and a leg up (yuck yuck) in the Elimination Challenge.

Today’s Leg Up Challenge will be the woman’s first go-sees. Speaking very slowly and clearly, using her most condescending supportive tone the Kimsicle explains, “For those of you that don’t know, a go-see is an interview for models.” The challenge go-see consists of our women going individually before a panel of six of Wilhelmina’s top agents that have been assembled to grill the women. Sounds like an awesome time. But, first, we have a quick commercial break where Steve Carell announces that he’s on the short list for president of the US. Holla!!

The women troop over to Wilhelmina models for their go-see and Tanya is up first.

You have to wonder why she’s dressed like a shower curtain.

The agents are seated at a several tables lined up in a row with the General sitting in the middle looking more than a little wrung out. He’s got that walk of shame look that comes from campaigning hard through the night and rolling into the office just in time to grab that extra suit hanging on the back of the office door. Bleary eyed, rumpled and in need of a shave, the General tells Tanya that this part of the competition is about making impressions.

This is my impression of a homeless man

The General has assembled five of the best agents in the business in that very room to judge the women. So, maybe the sixth agent called in sick and the General had to come in to take his place. If that’s the case that sixth agent has got to be pretty skerd. Of course, by now his ass has probably long since been fired and hung out to dry. The five agents consist of four women wearing expressions reminiscent of cheerleaders checking out the nerdy new girl and one male, named Greg Chan, whose expression makes it clear that he’s the alpha bitch. The General explains that “the reason why this is important to me, these guys, is because they’re probably some of the most critical eyes in the business. If you can pass muster with them, there’s a very good chance you can pass muster with the clients out there.” Turning to the business at hand, he tells Tanya to state her full name, age and where she’s from.

Tanya answers with an upbeat tone and a charming smile. But Alpha Bitch Greg can barely wait to assert himself, much less for her to finish the words “Orange County, California”, before jumping in with, “Lets talk about your outfit for a second. You look like you just got off the set of Purple Rain.” The other agents follow up with a chorus of, “You’re a beautiful woman, but your outfit is not. It’s distracting from your face. You want people to see you and not look at all those other things.” Tanya takes this pretty well even offering up a weak “Okay, thank you.” Somewhere in the middle of the torrent of criticism the Gregster finishes up with, “I’m getting vertigo just looking at you.” Properly beaten and humiliated Tanya is sent back into the waiting room and collapses on floor. She tells us that “these are the toughest agents in the city. They’re going to give you some honest feedback, so it wasn’t a positive experience for me.”

I do much better when people lie to my face.

Melissa is up next and the Gregster grabs his handy dandy Polaroid to see how she does in front of the camera. I bet he does this all the time to unsuspecting teenage girls in New Jersey Malls. You know, ‘I’m an agent from Wilhelmina models.’ ‘I can make you famous.’ ‘Lets see how you do in front of the camera.’ ‘ Meet me at this warehouse at midnight.’ It’s almost enough for a full Law and Order episode. While Cheng’s taking his pictures, the little General asks if Melissa isn’t trying to be too sexy and all the agents agree. Melissa protests that she’s really not trying to be sexy. But, the General has his Greek chorus to back him up and tells her that it’s apparent to everybody else. Melissa shows her age by choosing not to argue the point and, instead, simply says, “Okay” and “Thank you” before returning to the waiting room and breaking down in tears. That’s two for two that they’ve broken. I wonder if these people are nice on their days off.

Karin comes in next and Alpha Greg looks disapproving as he tells her that his first impression of her is that she looks sad. Karin, sticking with her theme of complete honesty and sincerity, asks, “Can I say something really honest?” Oh, yes, definitely, they all tell her. Karin explains that at the casting she was worried that she and her mullet were there for comic relief. But, now, she’s beginning to feel like she belongs there. And, just as I was thinking that the Wilhelmina group was completely heartless, the General confirms that she’s beautiful. AAWW. I have to say that, despite her overt penchant for honesty, I like Karin.

Either the agents have been prepped on the women’s weak spots or the Gregster just gets lucky when he asks Kathy, the ambivalent mom, if she’s prepared to live in New York and be a New York model. Kathy tells the agents that she would love to be a New York model but it would be a huge step for her because she told her kids that after the competition life would go back to being the same. So, either she’s assuming that she’s not going to win or she’s possibly the most naive person on the face of the earth. The Gregster is not impressed and snaps, “We need a model who’s ready to make money.”

Hope is next and they ask her to state her height. After a long pause, she admits to 5’5″, adding quickly that she stays in heels all the time and she thinks that for her height she has very long legs. Paula is asked to state her measurements out loud. Stumped, she admits, “that’s a very good question.” And, while she’s having her breakdown outside, we get a quick montage of several of the other women not knowing their measurements before we flash back to Paula bending over and wailing that, “They are fierce. You have to know you…know you.”

Roxanne is last of our ladies to go before the panel and she rocks the go-see. The General comments that he’s really happy that Roxanne didn’t come in all “actery” and, just in case she missed it at the casting, when he calls her “actery” it isn’t a compliment. It is, in fact, an insult. The General likes her. The agents like her. Roxanne agrees that the General and the agents should like her and she dances back into the waiting room of broken women singing, “They don’t think I’m acting anymore.” There’s nothing like rubbing people’s faces in your success. None of the other ladies are sending warm and fuzzy looks her way. Melissa tells the camera that Roxanne has an overconfidence issue. I don’t know if it’s an overconfidence issue, but she does irritate the crap out of me. I’m guessing that some well-meaning person told her that she was special one too many times when she was growing up.

I’m sorry but I hate people that yoga in public.

The agents compare notes on the contestants and the Gregster leads the rundown: Paula has no confidence but she has the looks; Tanya needs work but she’s beautiful; Melissa has potential; Hope’s too short; and, if Bahia can light up, she’s gorgeous. The General, apparently ready for a nap, wraps it up with a pithy “The games afoot, as we like to say.”

Going out to confront the women with the results of the Leg Up Challenge, the General asks, “Would you like to know who the winner is?” In chorus they all say yeeeesssss. Well, tough nuggies, because they won’t find out until they get back to the loft. Everybody oooohhhs and groans in chorus. And Hope tells the camera, “You know, just give me your answer. You don’t got to be playing around doing all this stuff. I want to know who won.”

When the ladies return to the loft, they find Roxanne’s name on a huge box of makeup that was left as her prize for winning the Leg Up challenge.

Seriously, is this the best that they can do?

Bahia is shocked that the judges bought into Roxanne’s fake personality, but she’s confident that she can’t hide her real personality for too long. I’m not sure about that. I’m guessing that it depends on the level of pathology involved. On the other hand, you’ve got to wonder how obnoxious Roxanne has been to already have elicited such strong expressions of dislike from Melissa and Bahia.

Self-Flash Beauty Secrets

The next morning, Self Magazine’s Beauty Director, Elaine D’farley, shows up at the loft to give the ladies their first Self-Flash. It seems that a Self-Flash is going to be a segment of the show that will focus on beauty secrets. I’ve got to say that this woman needs to take a sedative. She’s sounding like Martha Stewart on crack as she explains to the women that they’re going to make the Shiny Hair Screwdriver out of avocado, vodka and citrus and the Oatmeal Yogurt Face Glow out of oatmeal, yogurt and honey. The women don’t look in anyway thrilled by this news, but once they get going they seem to be having some fun. Paula tells us that she got the oatmeal scrub and it’s unbelievable. Now that she knows what to do, she’s going to have flawless skin. Kathy says that she always reads the beauty articles, but she never has time to try them. Of course, after today she’s going to mend her ways. I have to say that up to now I haven’t really seen Kathy’s prettiness, but she looks gorgeous when she’s telling us this.

I’ve got some mixed feelings about this segment. I’m all for girlie nights of manicures and face goop, but it’s not so fun to watch it. On the other hand, it’s something that makes this show different from the other reality shows. So, I’m suspending judgment until I see a few more segments.

Elimination Challenge

After the Self-Flash, the Kimsicle shows up as frosty as ever. Hope tells us that as soon as she saw Kim her thought was “what the hell, next?” Which is, I’m sure, a common reaction to her cryogenically preserved smile. The Kimsicle brightly tells the women that now that they’ve had some tips on how to take care of their skin, it’s time to show how comfortable they can be in that skin. What the Kimsicle is saying in her witty way is that it’s time for the ladies very first elimination challenge. For the challenge the women are going to be broken up into two teams and because Roxanne won the Leg Up Challenge she gets to choose who’s going to be on her team. Without batting an eye, Roxanne goes for the asskiss and asks if Kim can be on her team. “No,” ho ho ho the Kimsicle chuckles, “I can’t be on your team.” Ho ho ho. And the camera pans to Melissa rolling her eyes at the asskissing.

Roxanne picks Sharon, Paula, Karin, and Tanya for her team. Paula thinks that Roxanne picked her teammates to help herself stand out. But, I don’t know, she didn’t really seem to think about it; she just reeled the names off.

Kim introduces the photographer, Philipe Salomon, explaining that he’s worked with designers such as Christian Dior, Jill Sander, and Ferragamo. Then, looking evil, she asks the women if they’re ready to see their wardrobe. The women are psyched and hold their collective breath as the Kimsicle walks to a relatively small mobile closet and pulls out sheets of sheer organza. Forget the high fashion. The only thing these women are going to be sporting is 50 ft of the stuff. The winning team will get a prize back at the loft, but, tomorrow, the women will all be judged individually. Some of the women are more than a little thrown by the semi-nude aspect. Paula says that she was shocked and that none of the women are playboy models. Personally, she’s not used to taking her clothes off or taking pictures of herself naked, but I bet she’s done a little drunk snapping in her time. The women gather their courage and go forward with the challenge, leaving me to wonder why the producers are making them walk through the streets in pink robes and slippers.

And why the hell they’re wearing castoffs from the Legally Blond set.

The blue team, chosen by Roxanne, is up first and most of the women are nervous. But, Roxanne, being a born exhibitionist, tells us that there were women that were much more uncomfortable than she was. Not surprisingly, Roxanne is firmly planted in the middle of each photograph, covered by the least amount of gauze and resembling nothing so much as an anorexic greyhound.

The blue team is feeling pretty good about their performance and comes back dancing. But, Hope isn’t the least bit intimidated saying, “Oh yeah, you ain’t seen nothing yet.” Then, displaying an unusual level of sophistication and good sportsmanship, Sharon moons them in the elevator.

Ambivalent mom, Kathy, tells us that she’s comfortable being nude in the privacy of her own bathroom or shower, but a photography studio is very different. Bahia is finding that being in a group is more nerve racking than just being nude. Really, she’s definitely shaping up to be the dark, moody, loner out of the group; kind of like an emo all grown up.

The pink team’s shoot seems to go fairly well. The only hitch that we’re shown is that Philippe, the photographer, seems to spend a fair amount of time trying to get Kathy into a good position. Melissa tells the camera that “Kathy is a sweetheart, mom, wife, but as far as modeling goes she’s pretty conservative.” Meanwhile, the Kimsicle is in the background compulsively reciting her carefully rehearsed mentor lines, “You’re happy to be here. You’re confident in your bodies.” I’m not sure that her droning on is really inspiring the women. And the “Yaayyyy!” she delivers at the end of the shoot can be heard being delivered by nannies the world over when their four year-old charges finally tie their shoes all by themselves.

She always gets this way when the kiddies do something new.

Philippe and Kim have reached a decision on the winning team and the Kimsicle tells the women that it was difficult, but the group that worked together the best as a team is… She pauses and we go to break. Damn…On the break we learn that Robert Verdi will be covering the 2008 TVLand awards, so I might actually watch that…And, then, we’re back, waiting for the Kimsicle to finish her sentence. The group that worked best as a team…was the pink team. Melissa says that she was really excited and that she was really pleased with her team adding that “there’s a lot of really pretty girls on that team.” Meanwhile, Roxanne tells us that, if she had known that it was going to be a nude photo shoot, she probably would have chosen differently. As far as sour grapes reality style go, that’s pretty lame complaining, but don’t be discouraged things are about to heat up…

‘Nothing straight about me Paula’ is not happy that the pink team won and goes on about the team being all blond hair and blue eyes. So, apparently, she kind of overlooked Hope and Celeste hanging out over there. But, in overlooking them, she says she felt like the judges played it safe. I think its safe to say that she missed the part about the winning criteria being based on how well the team worked together. Somehow, Paula stopped understanding the Kimsicle’s basic English when she got to that part of the explanation.

When the ladies get back to the loft, the pink team is all up for celebrating. But, the blue team decides to lock themselves in the bedroom, which is really more than a little weird. I’m mean at least fake some good manners here. Celeste mentions sore losers and the other women start cracking the champagne. Tanya comes out and says she wants Paula to express herself and for them to hear what Paula has to say, because Paula has something deep in her heart and all of them need to hear it. Whatever it is, it sure sounds important because Tanya is almost in tears.

And, hey ho, we’re off in the way only reality TV can be. Paula is bound and determined to create one of those ‘No you didin’t’ reality TV flashback moments that get replayed forever on VH1. She comes out snorting and sighing in an effort to emote her suffering, before starting to rant, “This hurt. I’m very…” Okay, so far so good. Then, BAM!!!! She loses it, yelling, “I want to know why you won. Oh, the pink teams wins. Why? You can’t tell me this isn’t superficial. You can’t tell me that. But this is society, I’m mad because you have to crush those barriers, because people take what they see, because if it doesn’t turn you on right here (crotch grabbing) then it ain’t saleable. Because…” this was a little too incoherent for me to catch, but she’s grabbing at her breasts and finishes with, “then women have to cut themselves.”

Are you getting this on film?

The great thing about older women is that it doesn’t escalate into pointless screaming. Instead, they just keep on eating, waiting for the crazy lady to yell herself out. They’ve seen tantrums before.

Keep talking, I’m listening.

Celeste points out that if Paula’s team had won the challenge, they would have been very happy for them. Tanya, having put herself in the position of being Paula’s envoy, tries to explain that Paula feels like people are telling her to embrace her beauty and be okay with it, but every time she feels confident she’s rejected either in a competition or in life. Okay, that’s sad, but why should it be the other women’s problem? In my mind, this is why a crazy person should never be separated from their wall of affirmations.

Doesn’t your bedroom look like this?

Bahia tries to explain that Paula was not rejected. Instead, her entire group was rejected. LMAO. Not surprisingly, this doesn’t appease Paula’s need for sympathy, because, God Dammit, she’s the victim here. Tanya tells us that she can understand how Paula was feeling, but Paula took it a little more personally than the other women and it triggered something in her mind. Which is a nice way of saying that Paula is apesh*t crazy. Meanwhile, Paula has cracked the psycho barrier and is ranting about believing in her because she has a story to tell and it ain’t all about being beautiful. “People want to hear what the f*ck you’ve been through. I’ve been through, I’ve been through some sh*t. Because I don’t turn you on, because I’ve got too many muscles, because I’m rock hard, because I’m…” Again we lapse into incoherence. If all this is about losing a challenge based on teamwork, imagine what’s going to happen if she loses a challenge based on looks.

Hope tells the camera, “Paula what the hell is wrong with you? Get it together because you losing it,” which is pretty funny. But, all this drama is a little too much for our ambivalent mom, except that she doesn’t seem to be so ambivalent anymore. Instead, she’s crying that she wants to go home because there’s a psycho in the house. I’m guessing that there’s not a lot of angry, psychotic, six foot, butch, African American women living in her neighborhood. Then, sadly, crazy is momentarily catching and Hope has her own breakdown about not being able to change the way she looks. At this point, Melissa, who I’m beginning to like, looks around at all the freaked out women and says, “I’m confused.”

By now, the pink team is wondering where the hell their relaxing reward is because God knows that they can use it and, on cue, the Pedicure team comes marching in. But our not-so-ambivalent mom needs something more than a pedicure; she needs her family or mass infusions of valium. Unfortunately, there’s no valium to be found, so Kathy calls home to continue her mini-breakdown via phone. Sadly, her kids aren’t feeling her separation anxiety and think that it’s just a hoot that she’s missing them when they’re doing just fine without her. Sounding just a wee bit desperate, Kathy insists that they really do miss her. If that phone call doesn’t boost her self-esteem, nothing will. Afterward, Kathy curls up on the couch and Hope tries to comfort her by pointing out that her boys are most probably going to get married and leave her some day. But Kathy’s already nipped that possibility in the bud. Like any other prudent mother, when her boys turned three she made them sign contracts. Say what? You and Hope and the other women in the room may ask. Kathy nods, proudly explaining that according to the terms of her baby boys maternal prenup they can’t ever pay more attention to someone else than they pay to her. Hope and the other women exchange glances.

Hell, Yeah, white, middle-class, soccer moms from Georgia can be batsh*t crazy too.

The Elimination

The next morning we find Bahia sitting in the window, smoking like a chimney and looking like she aged about ten years since coming into this house. She better grab some of that oatmeal yogurt crap fast because today is elimination day. And, you know, the little General isn’t going to like his mature women actually looking their age. Anyway, Bahia’s a little disgusted by all of yesterday’s drama, telling us that the competition became about who got hurt the most in her life. Puhleeaase, she finishes with a snort. Meanwhile, honest Karin tells us that she doesn’t want to go home because the shoot confirmed how much fun modeling is and she might never get another chance like that. I don’t get it. Honest Karin really ought to irritate me, but I can’t help liking the woman.

And, then, it’s time. Our ladies assemble for the elimination and Kim Alexis, cryogenically preserved mentor to mature women everywhere, greets them and once again introduces the judges. Bev is looking like a particularly fine piece of sculpture. The General has cleaned up his act and is wearing a spiffy tie for the occasion. And Robbie, complete with shades, is looking a little apprehensive.

The Kimsicle tells the women that they have all shown tremendous confidence in the last couple of days in so many ways, from their makeover, to meeting with the little General and the Wilhelmina agents, to daring to bare it all in their photo shoot. Now, it’s clear to the judges why the ten of them have made it this far. Unfortunately, there will be two people going home tonight. What? Two people? WTF? All the women’s faces fall.

Then, calling the pink team forward, she continues saying that their team won based on how well they did as a group. They pulled together. They were in sync with each other and in tune with each others feelings and that’s why they won the competition. Really, it had nothing to do with Paula having big muscles. Seriously, it really sounds like the Kimsicle is going out of her way to head off another psychotic break on the part of Paula. But, Paula’s looking all happy and content today, like she really is a lucid and sane individual.

Looking at the group picture, the General sees a nice feeling from the pink group. According to him, the women clearly felt comfortable with each other and they obviously got along. His main criticism is reserved for Kathy who he says looks the most uncomfortable out of the group.

Bev manages to move enough of her face to say that she thinks the photo is great, she loves Kathy’s hair and Celeste has a great smile. I wonder if the sight of Celeste’s smile evokes a feeling of nostalgia in Bev for the days when her cheeks actually moved.

Robbie likes that Melissa is so easy in front of the camera and comments that she really looks like she doesn’t mind being naked. Melissa shakes her head as if to confirm that not only does she not mind being nude she lives for it.

The Kimsicle suggests that they take a look at the second photo, noting how the women seemed to pop and come alive. Someday, Kim, when you’ve fully defrosted, you too will come fully alive.

Bev just loves this photo. The General has a problem with Hope’s height. Robbie falls completely in love with Bahia’s picture, especially the way that she just turns her head slightly to the side.

The pink team is dismissed the blue team called forward.

The Kimsicle shares that these ladies just didn’t seem like they were as cohesive as a group and that they were a little bit scattered as a team. The General comments that he feels like there are two different photos going on. There’s the Paula/Sharon photo, which is like a double, and, then, there’s the three other women trying out for the rockets. Of course, Paula is the only women in the group comfy with the idea of grabbing on to another woman’s naked body, so she’s pulling Sharon right over to her. None of the other women have any idea of what to do with their hands. You’ve got to give it to ole ‘nothing straight about me Paula’, she might be uncomfortable in front of a camera, in heels, or in dresses, but she’s sure as hell comfortable grabbing a naked woman’s body.

Robbie just luuuuvvvvvvs Paula’s toned, naked body. He goes so far as to say that, if he had her body, he’d go naked in the middle of winter going to the grocery store. Love you Robbie, but I still feel like the judges are maybe going out of their way to make Paula feel good.

The Kimsicle calls up the blue teams second photo.

The General doesn’t like the way Sharon is so relaxed, but Tanya behind her is so upright. They all agree that Tanya is ‘actressy’, which, remember, is not a compliment, or was that ‘actery’? Anyhoo, she’s also too regal and trying too hard. Bev isn’t feeling the sister love between the women and tells the group, “All that hand holding, that claw thing, there, that’s happening between you guys; that’s just totally awful.”

The Kimsicle sends the women away while the judges make their decisions. And the editors give us a muddled montage of the judges deliberating and the women interviewing. Honest Karin tells us that the women are nervous. At the judges’ table, Robbie likes Melissa, but Bev is not crazy about Melissa. Bahia tells us that she can’t go back to her regular life. How is she supposed to go back to waiting tables and serving food. The General thinks Karin and Tanya are equally horrible because they don’t go along with the rest of the group. Tanya tells us that she came all this way and packed all these clothes and she doesn’t want to go home. I’m thinking that maybe the judges could send just her clothes home.

The women are called back for the final decision and the Kimsicle assures them that this was a tough decision for the judges. The General is wearing his steely eyed grim expression as Kim announces that Bahia and Celeste are ‘on the board’, followed by Tanya and Melissa who are also still on the board. Then, Roxanne is asked to please step forward. The General tells her that he’s impressed with how she shoots individually, but he’s by no means impressed with how she composed a team and led that team and that was troubling for him. Moment of tension, but Roxanne is still on the board. I’m a little sad, I could have coped with Roxanne leaving.

Paula is called forward and I have to admit that I’m hoping she goes. The General tells her that he’s dealt with a lot of models who have issues regarding getting along with others and that was clearly part of the concern in his and the other judges decision. So, that means she’s going home, right? No. Paula is still on the board and I’m beginning to stress. I mean, I basically like the remaining women and two of them are going.

Kathy is called forward and Robbie and Kim are looking mighty disapproving. The General says that she’s an example of somebody who had a remarkable transformation, but, when he and the other judges look at her photos, they all agree that she’s the one out of the group that looked the most uncomfortable. Then, the General looks deadly serious as he says that he believes in his heart and, what’s more, Wilhelmina clearly believes that being a mother is in no way a direct conflict with being a successful model. That being said, he really needs to know if she honestly wants to be in the competition.

Kathy sniffles and wavers ambivalently. “I do want to be here… I do… My kids are so important to me.”

The General isn’t convinced. Neither am I. He asks, “So, overall, if I gave you the choice right now, though, to move on in this competition, or if I gave you the choice to go home to your family, honestly, in your heart what would you really choose”

And, Kathy can take it no more. “I would choose to go home,” she admits piteously. “I would try to make it work, but they’re growing up so fast.” Proof that you can take the mom out of the soccer, but you can’t take the soccer out of the mom, or expect her to leave her children to live with scary, crazy people.

The Kimsicle speaks her line “You’re not on the board,” and adds on the fastest automated “We love you,” ever. Kathy tells us that a few weeks before she had complained to her husband that he got the career and she was only driving, but, now, she feels like she knows where she’s supposed to be. While I completely support the idea of a parent staying at home, I suspect that she’s headed for a doozy of an empty nest crisis when her kids escape to college.

Sadly, we’re left with my three favorite women, Hope, Karin, and Sharon and one of them is going home. I’m so bad at predicting the winners for these modeling type competitions. My favs are always doomed to go home.

The General runs through his critique of each woman. Hope’s height is still an issue and it’s going to make it hard for him as an agent to book her. You know, I wish they’d get over the height thing. I mean they knew it was a problem when they took her and isn’t like she can grow if she tries harder. Karin looks as uncomfortable as the General has ever seen a human being look in a photo. Which is a pretty comprehensive way of saying ‘you suck.’ The General adores Sharon, but she apparently didn’t ‘bring it’ to the photo shoot and she’s still expected to do that whether she’s 63 or 16. That being said he turns it over to the Kimsicle to give the final decision.

“Hope…pause…you’re still on the board. So, ladies there’s only one spot left. Obviously, there’s only two of you standing up there. You have no idea how hard it was for us to make our final decision. Karin…pause…you’re still on the board. Sharon, I’m sorry.” And that’s it, my absolute fav is gone in the first episode. Sigh.

Sharon goes out with all the grace and dignity that a mature woman should have and I’m not being sarcastic. She tells us that she’s a little disappointed, but she’s 63 years young and she feels like it’s a different kind of beginning.

Shouts out to Sharon for being awesome.

So, Gasmii, my favs are down to Hope and Karin and I’m hoping to see Paula and Roxanne go soon. What do you think? Anybody else sad to see Sharon go?

Next week the ladies get to pull a classic Lucille Ball and rock the burlap. It should be a hoot, so I’ll see you then.

Hugs,

Yenta

To read Chapter Eleven of “Honor Among Thieves” by Yenta Patrol, click here.

To start from the beginning, click here.