She’s Got The Look: Then There Was Paula…

Occasionally, in the world of Reality TV, something happens that is soooo real there is no way for the producers to spin it or change it. I’m talking about things like the Joey’s recent, drunken, bi-polar, homicidal meltdown on the Real World Hollywood or Pumpkin’s famous spitwad. While these events make great Reality TV, they always signal the demise of that particular character. And, now, She’s Got the Look is proud to add another unforgettable, unspinnable event to this list.

Trust me there’s no way to spin it, change it or forget it.

It is what it is and we, my dear Gasmii, just have to accept it, but a little alcohol helps. So, pour yourself another and join me after the jump…

Photogallery

It’s week three of SGTL and we’re down to the following eight hopeful menopausal and peri-menopausal model wannabes:

The Evening Bitchfest

We catch up with our ladies as they return from last weeks elimination challenge. The women pile into their dorm style bedrooms and are faced with the empty beds of their dear departed contestants. Like many of us, Karin seems to have been heartbroken when Sharon was removed from the board. But, Roxanne, well, not so much. For Roxanne, Sharon’s absence means one thing; a new convenient empty bed for her sleep on.

After you’re gone, I’m taking your sheets.

Roxanne is clearly one of those people with a fuzzy sense of boundaries and no respect for the dead or departed reality show contestants. Watching her sprawl on Sharon’s bed, casually claiming it for her own, proves too much for Karin. Teary eyed and starting to sob she explains that she doesn’t mean any disrespect to Roxanne, but she feels like it’s still Sharon’s bed and Sharon should still be there and if Roxanne wants a new bed she can have Karin’s. Roxanne suddenly aware of her faux pas and wanting to ward off the impending hysteria hauls her lazy ass up to clean off her own bed. Where’s the drama ladies? You need to stop acting like mature women and work on a bitch slapping pillow fight, but alas, Karin stops choking and decides to bury her sorrows in some music. Celeste reasonably points out that it’s not like Sharon is dead, she’s still in their lives. And, beside that, it’s a competition. I have to say that Celeste really needs to lose the glasses, they’re definitely not a good look.

Well, I’m gonna go do me some welding, now.

Tanya wants to know what Celeste means when she says that “it’s a competition.” Up to now, Celeste has been making some sense to me, but then she morphs into a bitch and she’s not even a funny bitch, just a bitch. Celeste tells Tanya that there’s a definition for competition and Tanya should get a dictionary and find out what it is. Tanya tells the camera that there’s a hardness to Celeste. Meanwhile, Celeste is telling Tanya that yes, there was a bonding, an emotional thing going on, but bottom line, it’s a “competition, baybee.” I don’t know why, but my Jewish bubbie does better ghetto speak than Celeste. With Bubbie it’s at least funny, with Celeste it’s just irritating.

The Morning Call

The next morning the women are piling on their makeup, fixing their hair, and ironing their sports bra. And in case you didn’t guess it, ‘nothing straight about me’ Paula is the woman doing the ironing. I’ve got to ask, who the hell irons a sports bra? Of course, ironing is a surprisingly feminine activity, but the matching camo t-shirt and shorts that she’s sporting aren’t exactly the latest in femme fatale wear. I’m telling you, Paula is a woman of many contradictions. As she concentrates on eliminating those pesky spandex wrinkles, Paula tells the camera that the competition just stepped up three notches causing her a little bit more anxiety and less sleep, but, don’t you worry, Paula’s got her thinking cap on.

I can model for Good Housekeeping.

Meanwhile, the producers have directed Tanya to the phone and lo and behold there’s a message. The ladies gather in excitement to listen to the pleasant sound of the Kimsical’s mechanical voice reciting her lines. “Rise and shine ladies it’s Kim.” Just in case any of the women or viewing audience are too dimwitted to have guessed that. Or did Charlie always introduce himself afresh in each episode of “Charlie’s Angels”? Anyway, she continues, “It’s time to get up and get moving. Today’s Leg Up challenge involves a lot of footwork so get ready to work it.”

Now, it seems that this is the moment that Tanya has been waiting for. She’s jumping up and down having wisely deciphered Kim’s cryptic message as meaning that they’re going to do the catwalk.

Whiplash Anyone?

The Leg Up Challenge

The ladies meet up with the Kimsicle at a place name “Runway”. Paula still has her thinking cap on and tells the camera that she had a pretty good idea of what that was about. And, really, that’s a relief because I’m not sure that springing a lot of surprises on Paula is a good idea. Steady and predictable seems like the safe way to go when you’ve cast a possible sociopath.

Kim is waiting for them and it seems that in the last week she’s further recovered from her cryogenic rest. Her smile is much less forced, in fact, it’s almost manic; probably the result of all that dopamine beginning to freely swirl through her brain as she continues to defrost.

I feel goooooooooddd!!!

High on life and newly circulating neurotransmitters, she tells the women that the eight of them have come that far because they’ve shown that they can take a good photograph, but that’s only one of the many skills that a model has to have. So, today, they’re going to learn something new…pause…careful articulation… “The. Run. Way.” The women ooh and ahh and clap and jiggle, while Kim warns them that Supermodels take years to perfect their walks and they have one day. Okay, not to sell runway modeling short or anything, but it’s not like the ladies are being expected to work their way through the math that Einstein used to prove his theory of relativity or master a gold medal floor routine. They’re being asked to walk in a straight line, turn and come back, with something approximating the appropriate sway and swish.

To help the woman with the challenge, Kim introduces…wait for it…Roshumba Williams. For once, my first reaction is the same as my husband’s, who the heck is Roshumba? Kim tells us that Roshumba is a TV personality, author and world-renowned runway model. Meanwhile, the ladies are all screaming and Hope tells the camera that Roshumba was “major, major, major, major in her day. Incredible.” So, now, I feel like an idiot and immediately start Googling. For those of you that don’t know, Roshumba is a judge on a hair show called Tease that I must have missed. In addition, she was discovered by Yves St. Laurent and had a big runway career in Europe and is author of the definitive guide to modeling:

I kid you not.

That being established, the Kimsicle wishes the women good luck and leaves them in Roshumba’s capable hands.

Alone with the ladies, Roshumba explains that she is going to teach them both the ‘old school’ walk that she grew up with on the runways of Paris and the ‘new school’ walk. I’m thinking, uh oh, you know that it’s way too much to expect your average Reality TV contestant to learn more than one walk. Beside, Miss Jay never broke the runway down into ‘old school’ or ‘new school’.

While I’m having my little anxiety attack, Roshumba is explaining that the ‘old school’ walk is a lot sleeker, a lot more elegant and a lot more fluid. It works better with garments that are evening gownish, light, flowy, elegant and is used when you really just want to show the garment. She demos the walk before asking, “Got it, girls?” ‘Got it,’ they all agree happily. I have to say that the ‘old school’ walk brings back visions of young lady exercises that involved such sadistic activities as trying to cross a room with a pile of books on your head. You can almost hear a cranky old dance instructor imploring, “head up, shoulders back and float, my dear, float.”

But, then, there’s the ‘new school’ walk that calls for crossing over, stepping into it and bopping. Roshumba tells the ladies that, “It’s all about the cross. It’s a lot bolder. It’s a lot more brassy.” The ‘new school’ walk calls for evening suits, short skirts or something that is very rock n roll. And, as Roshumba demos the walk, our ladies are beginning to look a little more nervous.

The editors treat us to a montage of the women practicing. They all look pretty good to me, but I don’t think I have a very discerning eye. Hope is adorable and Paula is watching her with a seriously appreciative gleam.

Oh, Yeah

Celeste struts and twirls and shares the information that she did runway when she lived in Europe. She tells us that she’s worked with a lot of the top girls, so she has an advantage. Karin’s walk is certainly unusual, but I think she looks kind of cool. In my mind, Karin looks the most like a model out of any the contestants. But, not everybody agrees, Melissa tells us that Karin’s runway walk is so scary that she’s too embarrassed to watch. And, for the record, Melissa’s no slouch out there. It’s really hard to believe that she doesn’t have any prior modeling experience.

After the ladies finish practicing, Roshumba tells them that there’s nothing like the excitement of walking the runway. However, the women have to make it look good No Matter What They’re Wearing. Uh oh, this can’t be good.

Roshumba unzips the wardrobe, saying that the women are going to have wear its contents. And, as a group, the women clap and yell “Burlap”. Wheee! Roshumba explains that they’re all going to get a burlap sack, some rope and fifteen minutes to design their dresses or hang themselves before they strut their stuff on the runway. And, oh yeah, they need to make the burlap bags look sexy. Then for her last inspiring words she tells the ladies that the winner of the Leg Up challenge will, of course, get a fabulous Leg Up reward.

And for the rest of you, there’s just enough rope for a perfect 13 knot noose.

Our ladies charge forward to grab their burlap sacks, rope and scissors before commencing to slash and tear at the fabric. Celeste kvetches that she doesn’t know how to sew. Hope asks when she’s ever going to wear burlap. Melissa tells us that the winner will have a huge advantage. Tanya points out that designing isn’t her forte. Paula has never designed anything in her life. And, Bahia goes with a Chanel theme. Then, time is up and the Kimsicle and Roshumba come out to judge the contestants.

Hope is up first and goes out flashing her breasts. And I have to say that this woman’s got some pretty perky mammary glands.

Roshumba notes that it was clear she didn’t have a designer in mind, which is a backhand way of saying that she doesn’t like the dress.

Melissa struts her stuff and comes back complaining that it was the shortest runway known to man:

The Kimsicle thinks that Melissa’s walking wasn’t smooth and was kind of horsy.

Paula’s next and she shares that heels do intimidate her because she’s 37 and she just bought her first pair of heels. And by the way, Hope’s watching Paula with a pretty appreciative gleam in her eye as well.

Oh, Yeah

Paula’s walk is at best tentative.

Roshumba tells Paula that she has to learn to walk in heels and get over her fear of the runway. Paula nods politely, apparently, more consumed with her desire to get off the runway. Turning to the ladies, she asks if someone could please help her down. And, lo and behold, adorable Hope leaps to the rescue. Holla! Could this be the blossoming of a new shomance? Probably not, but it could make for great TV.

Roxanne’s walk is kind of slow and boring. Paula tells the camera that “that’s not old school or new school. Even though I don’t know no school, or new school, I don’t think that was it.” Which really means, hallelujah, there’s a walk that might be even worse than my hot mess.

Roshumba tells Roxanne that she would have liked to see her move a little faster because she didn’t see the brassy, sassy.

Celeste comes out and struts down the runway, spinning at the end and almost falls off. There’s nothing like falling off a stage after sounding really cocky and over-confident. It’s like a gift to the viewing public and I for one really appreciated it.

The Kimsicle chuckles, while Roshumba reminds her to make sure to adjust to the surface.

Karin comes out and does something that looks kind of unusual but still pretty cool. Bahia tells us that Karin’s walk is so crazy that it could be a style.

Roshumba and the Kimsicle aren’t really sure what to make of Karin’s walk. The Kimsicle comments that she gave a lot of variety and that Karin was almost a little robotic, but coming from Kim, I think that’s probably a high compliment. Roshumba warns Karin that her modeling poses must compliment the garments.

Bahia comes out with her burlap bag caught up in a high neck and Melissa says her idea was amazing. As a group, the women are totally impressed.

The judges are likewise impressed. Roshumba tells Bahia to look at every pose like it’s a photograph. And, even though she was a little bit hesitant and a little bit wobbly she basically rocked.

Tanya is up next and she seems really confident.

Roshumba thought that Tanya was over thinking her strut, but overall she did a great job.

After all the women have strutted their burlap bags, the Kimsicle tells them that the point of the exercise was to see who could make even the toughest situation look easy and elegant. Roshumba lists their criteria for choosing the winner as who could fill the room; were they comfortable in their garment; did it look good on them; and, could they walk in their heels. Oops, lost Paula on that last one. Goddamn superficial society, requiring models to wear heels. Oblivious to Paula’s pain, the Kimsicle continues, “So with that in mind, the winner of today’s Leg Up competition is…

Dear God, I will so kick your ass if I don’t win this.

…Bahia. Sorry, Celeste.

Bev’s Menopausal Monologues and Product Placement Time

Back at the loft, the women are all hanging out in the kitchen, when, surprise, surprise, Bev shows up for a spot of Tyra inspired girl-to-girl bonding. The women all scream and rush forward and then, in an unusual twist, Bev starts handing out stocking caps. You know the kind bank robbers pull over their faces to distort their features. I’m thinking that this is some sort of hokey bare your soul type new age game, but, no, this is product placement time for Bev. It turns out that supermodel Bev Johnson hasn’t just been resting on her sexy botoxed laurels all these years. Instead, she’s developed her own line of wigs. See what amazing things can happen when you don’t opt for cryogenic preservation.

The Coneheads get the gift of hair.

Bev has wigs for all of the ladies and she’s busy whipping them out on the table and placing them on the women’s heads. All of the women seem happy for the attention, but adorable Hope has morphed into the ultimate groupie screaming, “She’s touching me, she’s touching me.” Some of the wigs look better than others:

Proof that blond isn’t always better.

But these are smart women and they aren’t about to do anything other than gush out love for the Bev product. Except for Paula. Paula’s in the bathroom turning her wig around and around in hopes of finding a flattering angle. Finally, realizing that there isn’t a flattering angle, Paula joins the other women and tells Bev that she wants to switch wigs because she looks like Aretha Franklin. The editors play an overvoice of Bev telling us that SHE had a human hair wig flown in specially. So, you know, if Bev has anything to say about it Paula’s ass is grass. But, she graciously helps Paula to change wigs, while Melissa tells us that Paula seemed a bit out of it. I’m guessing that by ‘out of it’ Melissa meant ‘too f*cking stupid to avoid dissing the judge’s product.’

After Paula has settled down, the women all sit in a circle and Bev awkwardly tells them that she wants them to reveal something that she doesn’t know about them. Preferably, something that no one else knows, either. Now, I’m not saying the Tyra is good at this sh*t, but she has the advantage of being able to at least display a range of concerned supportive expressions. Bev with her perfectly sculpted botox face is pretty much limited to a half smile and a blank stare.

Okay, Bitches, I’m your new mother figure.

Apparently, somebody didn’t give Celeste the memo on preparing her sob story. Instead, she offers up that she plays a mean sax, which is, of course, pretty cool, but not quite what Bev had in mind. Seriously, how much soul stirring dialogue can you dredge up about a saxophone. Bahia is quick to jump into the breach and raises her hand like a schoolgirl. When Bev graciously calls on her, Bahia shares how she always resented growing up as a women. Bev’s eyes light up approvingly.

Bahia goes on in a tremulous, husky, French accent to explain how Muslim women are trained to control their beauty and sensuality. I think she probably could have run with this theme for a while, but Bev is excited to have met with so much success and wants to move on to the other women. A little abruptly, she cuts Bahia off by thanking her profusely. Then looks expectantly at the other women.

Karin shares how she was raised like a son and grew up feeling ashamed of being a girl. Not only did she want to be a boxer like her father, she also wanted to be a farmer and a welder. All these macho expectations seem to have played havoc with her identity and Karin doesn’t know whether or not to be ashamed of being pretty. At least, I think that’s the gist of the revelation but Karin’s sobbing pretty hard so it’s a little incoherent. I have to say that I expected this to be more of Paula’s storyline, but it goes a long way to explaining the mullet. I’ve always believed that a mullet is a major indicator of an identity crisis.

Melissa shares that she was abnormally taller than anybody she knew and that her entire school made fun of her because she was different from everybody. Bev does her best to register a surprised expression, while telling Melissa that she would never have known that, because Melissa’s so beautiful.

You’re sh*tting me

Adorable Hope talks about giving up previous modeling opportunities because she wanted to be there for her children. Bev tells her that she admires her for being a good role model, then moving on so fast that she almost interrupts herself, once again asks who else wants to share. This is clearly one of those required voluntary shares.

Perfectly poised Tanya smiles and starts to explain that she felt beautiful as a child but at thirteen she was stabbed seven times by a jealous 18 year-old-girl. Not surprisingly, she started feeling insecure shortly after that experience. The bizarre thing about watching Tanya recount the story is that while her voice shakes a little she still manages to cling to her perfectly poised expression and manner. She even goes so far as to describe the nasty things her attacker said to her as “unpleasant”. “Unpleasant,” might work for describing your neighbors playing their music too loud, even though I’ve been known to employ harsher language. Abusive verbiage used in a physical assault surely rates a hearty “f*cked up” if not worse.

The entire group therapy session seems to be revelatory for Paula on a deep spiritual level. She’s shocked that Tanya was stabbed because she was pretty, because she didn’t think bad things happened to pretty people. Now, understanding that, as the bumper stick says, “Sh*t Happens” Paula is hopefully at peace. It’s her turn to share and she explains that because she left home at fifteen she never had the opportunity to embrace her femininity. She’s never worn wigs before or makeup and she feels awkward, but she’s embracing it because she wants to see her efforts “manifested in this girl who’s discovered that she’s a woman.” I have to say that I’m impressed by Paula’s choice of words. It’s a really poetic way of saying that she’s going through spiritual puberty. Bev is loving this story and is all about showing her nurturing supportive side, telling Paula that she can see a beautiful woman coming out.

Up to now, Roxanne has been keeping her mouth shut, probably hoping to skip out on this little soul search session or desperately trying to formulate an appropriate story. But Bev is keeping count of who’s shared. She turns to Roxanne fixes her with a blank gaze and demands, “Roxanne what don’t we know.” Roxanne is stuck wearing another wig only slightly more attractive than the blond disaster, so I can’t help feeling a little bad for her when the camera zooms in, but she has her story ready. It seems that Roxanne grew up in a picture perfect family without drugs, alcoholism or divorce and, of course, everybody was happy. Then, she grew up and entered the real world where she got married to an apparent dirtbag. But, because no one in her family had ever been divorced she didn’t think divorce was an option and even though the marriage was miserable she tried to stick it out. The editors do some cutting here and we miss the details of the miserable marriage fast-forwarding to Roxanne ending with “So, finally we were divorced.”

Damn, this woman can talk

Apparently, Roxanne’s story pretty much maxes out Bev’s group bonding tolerance. Jumping up, Bev announces, “we need a group hug, cuz I need a group hug.” Then, flying high on the success of her group therapy session, Bev tells us that she “can see the stories and how they’ve affected each woman. Some pretty amazing survival stories and women around the world are really going to relate to these women.” Personally, now that I know about Karin wanting to box, Melissa being abnormally tall, and Celeste playing the saxophone, I feel much closer to these women.

Elimination Challenge

The next morning the ladies are taken to the Metropolitan Pavillon where the Kimsicle is waiting to greet them with her customary good cheer and witty remarks. “Hello everyone. Welcome to your elimination challenge. You guys are about to be a part of a real runway show. As a matter if fact, you are the runway show.” Ho Ho Ho. While the ladies reactions range from ecstasy to acute nausea, the Kimsicle continues to explain that in four hours they will be showcasing three looks from three top designers to a live audience filled with fashion industry moguls and critics. The ladies will be judged on how well they walk the runway.

But that’s not all, because backstage at a runway show can be very chaotic the ladies will have the show starter and model coach Paul Wharton to help them. Donna Summer Paul Wharton skips on to the stage and immediately launches into a rendition of Bad Girls. Just kidding, but he so could of. Oh, please, let Paul Wharton become a fixture on the show. On a final note, the Kimsicle tells the ladies that Bahia will be the only one who gets to see and practice on the runway. Then wishing them luck she exits stage left leaving the anxious women in Paul’s fabulous hands. Paul takes half the women to hair and makeup and half the women to meet the designers. And, BTW, I could only find the names of two of the three designers: Farron Elizabeth, casual contemporary clothes; and Susan Holmes, swimwear. So, you know, someone’s product placement agreement just hit the editing room floor.

Paula shares her heel phobia with Paul Wharton and the shoe lady and shows them the two-inch heels that she had bought earlier that year. Paul and the shoe lady shake their collective heads and explain that two inches a heel does not make. If Paula is going to have any hope of passing this elimination, she needs to either throw another hysterical fit or practice, practice, practice in the four inch heels.

Meanwhile, Celeste is discovering that she’s going to be modeling swimwear and she’s all like, “OMG, who told them to put swimsuits on models over 35.” Not above whoring for compliments, she reveals to the swimsuit designer, Susan Holmes, that she’s…wait for it…50. That’s right, 50. Wow, Susan says obligingly.

Bahia sees the swimsuits and shares that no one in her life up to now has ever seen her derriere. This actually makes me feel closer to Bahia than any of the group therapy revelations. My own ass closely resembles an old wrinkled grapefruit and I personally believe that it should be covered at all times to avoid eye damage to any unsuspecting bystanders.

Over at hair and makeup, it seems that Snape is back!! WooHoo!! How can you not love a man so deeply committed to a body of literature. It’s enough to overlook his questionable skills as a stylist. Seriously, who in their right mind would think that a shoulder length blond wig would be a good look for Paula. Paula seems to like it, but we know that she’s not in her right mind. Bahia even tells the camera that she’s really sorry for Paula and if it wasn’t a competition she would have told Paula that as a friend she couldn’t let her wear the wig.

Irrefutable proof that Snape is evil.

Somewhere in the middle of all the chaos, Paul Wharton finds the time to take Bahia to see the runway and give her some coaching. Like the perfectly adorable opportunist that she is, Hope is waiting for Bahia when she returns. With a big smile, like it’s a perfectly natural request, she asks Bahia to give her some advice about the layout of the runway. But, Bahia’s got her competition face on and she’s not going to give anything up. With an equally big smile, Bahia gently tells Hope, “No, No, No, I’m not telling anybody anything.” Hope laughs back at her and they’re all just the best of friends. Of course, it’s a little bit different when they’re confessing to the camera. Hope says that it’s not about how the runway looks, it’s about how you serve it when you get there. Meanwhile, Bahia is telling the camera that this is an elimination challenge and she doesn’t see why she should help someone else. She wants to look the best and do the best, and she is going to do the best. You know, I’ve always wondered what choices I would make in a competition setting like this. I honestly think it would depend on where I was in my menstrual cycle. Premenstrual, no way in hell would I help a fellow contestant. The rest of the month, I probably would. Oh, and I apologize to any men reading this.

Out front the guests and judges are gathering. Robbie, Bev, the General, Roshumba and the Kimsicle are seated alongside the runway. An unidentified women’s voice yells a fifteen minute warning. And, ready, set, go…

Hope comes out first and she’s seriously working it.

Tanya does well and Roshumba is full of praise.

Melissa comes out looking like a hot 80′s model twirling her belt.

Bahia is kind of gently drifting and feels a little lame.

Celeste works it and Robbie says that if he was her he’d be screaming, “I’m fifty, bitch.” Please, oh powers that be, give Robbie his own reality show. There’s no doubt that, on the runway, Celeste is fifty and fierce.

I think Karin looks fantastic.

Roxanne just doesn’t look like a model to me and she shows an alarming tendency to grope and fondle herself.

And, then, there’s Paula. I’m not sure what to say about Paula. I’ve known plumbers who would have had a better runway walk, crack and all. Look at your own risk, I assume no responsibility for clawed out retinas.

Our ladies gather back stage for champagne and celebration, while Paul Wharton jumps up and down, clapping like a flamboyant Everready bunny. But before they can do more than toast, they’re hustled them back out on stage. Don’t want them getting too happy before the elimination.

The Judging

The ladies walk back out on the runway and Kim greets them. I have to say that with the women all lined up on stage and all wearing the standard 4 inch heels, Bahia looks like she might even be a little shorter than Hope.

Sooner or later the judges are going to have to acknowledge this.

The Kimsicle tells the women that they were a pleasure to watch, but now they are going to have the elimination right here, right now. Oh, crap. I hate this part. I do get attached to the contestants and I hate that one of them will be going home. Roxanne isn’t sounding too optimistic and Hope tells the camera that she’s been in the bottom twice and she knows if she ends up there one more time it will be a wrap for her.

And…damn, commercial break…we’re back. Our judges are reintroduced and the Kimsicle rehashes that the competition was about how well they walked the runway and the winner of the overall competition will win a spread in Self Magazine and a contract with Wilhelmina models.

Hope is up first and the General assumes control. “One of the unfortunate realities of being president of Wilhelmina and being an agent is for me to always be honest.” This totally sounds like the beginning of a dream-killer speech and Hope isn’t looking too happy, but the General goes on, “I just have to tell you that was the greatest effort I’ve ever seen from a model who has no experience whatsoever. I was completely blown away. You showed up to work today, Honey, and you deserve so much praise it was unbelievable.” Go Hope!! One of my favs done good! I just wish she’d stop crying whenever something good happens.

The General also loves Tanya. Roshumba loves that Tanya was smooth and Robbie agrees, but Bev still saw the pageant girl and was seriously disappointed.

Melissa gets mixed reviews. Roshumba likes how her long legs strutted down the runway, but Bev thought she bounced like she was riding a horse. “Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy.” Bouncy is so bad that it could have inspired Valentino to strangle her, but the real question is if it’s bad enough to keep her off the board?

Robbie thinks Celeste is amazing, especially for age fifty. But Bev says she knows Celeste, she’s worked with Celeste and Celeste was just dishing up the same tired old seventies walk. The General just loves that Bev is being the bitch today so he doesn’t have to.

Bahia is up next and nobody is happy with her. Especially the General who felt like she just ‘phoned it in’. So, maybe Bahia is going to be trouble. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Roxanne gets universally panned. And there’s a pretty harsh list of complaints: she looked like a caterpillar; she was off tempo; she had the same god awful smirk the entire time; and what’s more she looked ridiculous. I have to give Roxanne credit, instead of falling apart in the face of complete runway annihilation, she kept her composure and smiled graciously back at the judges.

Sadly, my fav, Karin, terrified the General with what he calls her Morticia Adam’s walk. I bet he’s scared of clowns as well. Robbie is a little kinder saying Karin was more muse than model. I’m not quite sure what he means by that, but it doesn’t sound nearly as harsh.

And, then, there’s Paula. Roshumba says that Paula was the most improved contestant. The General says that that may be, but he needs someone who can actually walk. You know, that this has got to be killing him. Keeping Paula means drama and ratings, but there’s no way to ignore or hide the fact that keeping Paula would also completely invalidate their judging process. Oh, General, I feel your pain.

With that, the women are dismissed. In the waiting room, Roxanne tries to justify her walk, while Paula quietly sweats. Before we know it, the women are called back in to hear the judges’ decision. I really appreciate that this show doesn’t take up a lot of time with the judges deliberating. Hope and Tanya are on the board. Melissa and Celeste are on the board.

Bahia is called forward. The General tells her that the problem he had was that she overcompensated and that, as an agent, it was frustrating to see someone who had all the tools hurt themselves so dramatically, but she’s still on the board.

And we’re down to our final three, Karin, Paula, and Roxanne. The General has the following critique: Karin’s runway was problematic; Paula made great strides so she showed the ability to grow, but it was still a disastrous performance; and, he found it very concerning that Roxanne couldn’t take basic direction on the runway. Then, rather than drop the sword himself, he hands it over to the Kimsicle to deliver an unemotional final decision. Karin and Roxanne are still on the board. So, that means ‘nothing straight about me’ Paula is gone. The general tells her that they’re all very impressed with her progress. While Paula, somewhat surprisingly, takes the news with grace and dignity, saying that she’s still going to pursue her dreams. However, runway modeling isn’t going to be a part of them. Bye-bye, Paula, I think it’s fair to say that within the annals of reality TV, you will not be forgotten.

But, before we go, here are my favorite botox pics of the week:

So, there it is Gasmii, another week and another set of shattered peri-menopausal dreams. Anybody else sad to see Paula go? I’m still pulling for Karin and Hope and I’ve got some mixed feelings about Bahia. The unacknowledged height issue is really bothering me. Next week we finally get the promised trapeze and some high fashion photo shoots.

See you then.

Hugs,

Yenta

****To check out Chapter Twelve of YentaPatrol’s novel, Honor Among Thieves, click here.

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