Silver Bells: Batman Smells, Robin Laid an Egg

Recaps

By Hypnotoad | Wednesday, December 26, 2012 | 10:00 am | 9 Comments
Posted in: Christmas Specials, Featured, Recaps

****This Christmas rehash is very special to me, because it’s Hypnotoad’s first cappy for the site! Love you Hyp!! Enjoy

Hallmark Presents: Silver Bells. A movie about the wonderment of Christmas, and the patience of a recapper. Anne Heche and Tate Donovan are in it, but no one else you’d know. And you may not even know Anne Heche and Tate Donovan. Basically, it’s a story about following your heart in the big city (it’s totally New York and not L.A.!) and about family (even after your loved ones have been dead for 3 years or more). I wanna give a shout-out to my roommate Carol, who provided the movie (it was a gift, okay? She didn’t buy it!) and who suffered along with me. Any snark she provided is credited to her! Thanks, Carol. Happy Holidays everyone!

Silver Bells Poster-1

If you have a bottle of something, anything, you might want to open it now.

There’s a forest of snowy pine trees, and a snowy river, and a snowy waterfall as the credits roll by. In short, everything looks like a Hallmark card. Anne Heche is listed first in the credits, because she’s the biggest star here. That’s sad. A girl drags a tree across the snow as Tate Donovan yells at his son, Danny to hurry up. There’s work to be done! Danny is taking pictures while Tate is driving a horse drawn carriage. Seriously. He says, “Oh Donner! On Blitzen!” (Carol: “Uh, those are horses, dumbass.”) Tate tells his kids that there’s a lot to do, but Danny will have none of it! He has a class photo project to do. Mean daddy Tate yells at him again. The life of a tree farming family is hard. And also stupid. Based on a novel? Seriously? Oy.

Back at the house, Danny sits on his bed, looking at photos, hoping that they’re good enough to be used for Shoebox greetings. They are not. The daughter brings up some food to him, and says that dad’s just pissed because mom’s dead. Who didn’t see that one coming? Has there ever been a Hallmark Christmas movie in which someone’s wife or husband or child didn’t die around Christmas time? No, there has not. Apparently, Hallmark thinks that in order to really appreciate the holiday, someone has to die. And we’re back to tree collecting. And now we’re back at the house. The daughter, Bridget, has made dinner for everyone. She has to play mommy now that the real mom’s gone. You know, she died at Christmas time. Bridget talks about some girl at school, but everyone else ignores her. (Carol (as Bridget.): “Well . . . guess I’ll eat some carrots . . .”) Awkward dinner!

Pic1

Hey! I used to date Jennifer Aniston!

Outside the house, Tate, whose character’s name is Christy (seriously) drives the family away. They arrive in New York! The big city. Christy asks if they’ve picked out a Broadway show yet as they pull up to an apartment in what is totally New York City and not a set in Los Angeles, and are greeted by Mrs. Quinn. Apparently they stay with her when they sell trees in NYC. Bridget is wearing a red coat and scarf. This will be important later, believe me.

Redgirlaaa

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Hypnotoad
About

Hypnotoad is a 2009 graduate of the MFA Writing program at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. He was a staple of the Chicago Quickies reading series, has been published in various Art Institute publications, and served as an actor/playwright for the Curious Theatre Branch's Rhinoceros Festival. His works have been online at Fiction At Work and is included in their short story collection. A victim of the crappy economy, he is now living back in Kansas. With his parents. His days now consist of perusing Yahoo Hot Jobs, and sporadically posting horrible ideas on his blog. Good times.

9 Comments

  1. 1
    LNNC92
    Posted January 3, 2008 at 6:44 am

    I know I’m really late to commenting, but I thought this recap was really funny. I haven’t seen (and won’t watch) this movie, but your recap was enjoyable. I laughed out loud a couple of times and I totally rocked the My So Called Life flannel with my hair just like Angela’s with the exception of the color.

  2. 2
    kimbubbly
    Posted December 29, 2008 at 11:55 am

    Got the TVGasm alert e-mail and didn’t realize for about an hour WHY I was walking around the office singing “Silver bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an eee-ggggg”. When I finally figured it out, I figured that I had already invested enough time in this recap to actually read it, and I am OH-SO-GLAD that I did!!

    What a lovely post holiday guffaw I just had for myself…the day counting had me choking I was laughing so hard and when I got to the “intern poured a bottle of Aquafina over him” part I actually had to push away from my desk to regroup.

    Thank you for saving me from watching this!! I’m a sucker for Hallmark treacle, but this recap was SO much more fun!

  3. 3
    Thatswhatshesaid
    Posted December 29, 2008 at 9:43 pm

    This recap was hilarious! I hadn’t even heard of this special. But then again, I never watch the Hallmark Channel… Anyhoo, my comment is….If Danny was missing for over a YEAR, wouldn’t there have already been an APB out on him when he first disappeared?! Lame!!!!

  4. 4
    uglycutie
    Posted December 29, 2008 at 10:24 pm

    My stepson almost called 911 I was laughing soooo hard!!!

    I agree that the day-counting and Aquafina part were two of the funniest parts of this recap.

    And I can’t leave out “he could be the next Leonardo Dicaprio….s assistant” ahhhahaha!

  5. 5
    Robin Robinez
    Posted December 28, 2010 at 8:45 pm

    I Love seeing a sappy movie ripped apart with skilled hands. Thanks.

    Just for shits and grins, this is the version that I have heard my entire life..It never get’s old..heh..

    Jingle Bells
    Batman smells
    Robin laid an egg
    Batmobile lost it’s wheel
    And Joker got away

    :)

  6. 6
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted December 29, 2010 at 12:03 am

    Oh my dear sweet lord. I had no idea Flipit was going to repost this. But I’m glad he did! This is like, the B-Movie-est B-movie EVER. I mean, Anne Heche? She was culturally relevant for about 3 months in 1998. Sheesh. I hope y’all enjoy! Big ups to my roommate (at the time) Carol!

  7. 7
    LAC
    Posted December 29, 2010 at 6:32 am

    LOL! What a gift! Thank you for this so I NNNN-EVER have to watch it. Yep, I am a girl but not feeling these lame holiday movies.

    My favorite line from this recap? “Gee, I sure hope she learns to find the true meaning of Christmas by the time the movie is done!” That is the question I ask while watching these movies, usually loaded on wine. (Will she find the true meaning of Christmas…Easter…Mother’s Day…Halloween?)

  8. 8
    Pikey
    Posted December 30, 2010 at 5:32 am

    Loved the inclusion of the little girl in red from Schindlers List! It fit the movie, in a rather weird way…

  9. 9
    Aunt Dorsey
    Posted December 29, 2012 at 8:22 pm

    Your title is the best. What a barf-o-rama of Hallmark icky sweetness. Hope you washed that movie down with lots of booze-laced eggnog!

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