Silver Bells: Batman Smells, Robin Laid an Egg

Recaps

By Hypnotoad | Wednesday, December 26, 2012 | 10:00 am | 9 Comments
Posted in: Christmas Specials, Featured, Recaps

The family unloads trees on the fake street in fake NYC as whimsical Christmas-y music plays on the soundtrack. Ah! 10 minutes in and we have our first Anne Heche moment as she grabs her keys from her apartment, which are located on a table along with black and white pictures of Anne with some guy. You think he’s her husband? You think he’s still alive? This is a Hallmark movie, so no. Dude is dead. She walks out onto the street, and Bridget says that the “museum lady” is coming. Christy tries to sell her a tree, but Anne wants no part of it. I guess they don’t need Christmas trees on the spaceship ride back to her home planet. Don’t aliens like Christmas too, Celestia?

At night, on the roof in what is totally not L.A., Danny sets up his camera to take pictures of the “NYC” skyline. Christy tells him to go to bed soon. More tinkly music as it’s now morning. Wow. Each shot in this movie is about 10 seconds long. I guess that makes sense since the target audience only has the attention span to read a greeting card. Danny sits and eats with his dad and sister. The guy who plays Danny could totally be the next Leo DiCaprio . . . ‘s assistant.

Now it’s morning again, and Bridget is wearing a pink coat and scarf. Danny skips out on the tree selling business to take pictures of “NYC.” God, more tinkly music? Is there none of this film that’s not set to vapid, manipulative background music? Danny ends up at some castle, where he talks to the caretaker, Bill. Danny walks into an art gallery. Anne Heche works there. It’s so not a museum so I don’t know why the Byrne family calls her the “museum lady.” Anne Heche talks to Danny, and it’s borderline flirting. He talks about the camera his mom gave him. You know, before she died. Around Christmas time.

He shows Anne his photos, and Anne pretends to like them. And now we’re back at the house. Danny is in hot water for skipping work with his dad. Another day (my god, I’m getting whiplash from all the short cuts) of Christmas tree selling. People buy Xmas trees. It’s really not fascinating. Anne walks down the street with coffee, goes to some store, and hands it to someone I believe is a friend of hers. Remember when Anne Heche was sort of a lesbian badass? My how times have changed. I guess it’s evening now because some woman asks Anne if she wants to go get drinks. Anne refuses, and goes back to her apartment to light a fire and think about Christmases and lesbians past.

Pic2

Maybe I shouldn’t have burned all my Indigo Girls CDs.

It’s the next day and Danny’s back at the gallery, where creepy Anne Heche (Carol: “I think Anne Heche is a robot.” Me: “I think she’s actually an alien.”) tells Danny that “as an artist you should never doubt yourself.”

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Hypnotoad
About

Hypnotoad is a 2009 graduate of the MFA Writing program at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. He was a staple of the Chicago Quickies reading series, has been published in various Art Institute publications, and served as an actor/playwright for the Curious Theatre Branch's Rhinoceros Festival. His works have been online at Fiction At Work and is included in their short story collection. A victim of the crappy economy, he is now living back in Kansas. With his parents. His days now consist of perusing Yahoo Hot Jobs, and sporadically posting horrible ideas on his blog. Good times.

9 Comments

  1. 1
    LNNC92
    Posted January 3, 2008 at 6:44 am

    I know I’m really late to commenting, but I thought this recap was really funny. I haven’t seen (and won’t watch) this movie, but your recap was enjoyable. I laughed out loud a couple of times and I totally rocked the My So Called Life flannel with my hair just like Angela’s with the exception of the color.

  2. 2
    kimbubbly
    Posted December 29, 2008 at 11:55 am

    Got the TVGasm alert e-mail and didn’t realize for about an hour WHY I was walking around the office singing “Silver bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an eee-ggggg”. When I finally figured it out, I figured that I had already invested enough time in this recap to actually read it, and I am OH-SO-GLAD that I did!!

    What a lovely post holiday guffaw I just had for myself…the day counting had me choking I was laughing so hard and when I got to the “intern poured a bottle of Aquafina over him” part I actually had to push away from my desk to regroup.

    Thank you for saving me from watching this!! I’m a sucker for Hallmark treacle, but this recap was SO much more fun!

  3. 3
    Thatswhatshesaid
    Posted December 29, 2008 at 9:43 pm

    This recap was hilarious! I hadn’t even heard of this special. But then again, I never watch the Hallmark Channel… Anyhoo, my comment is….If Danny was missing for over a YEAR, wouldn’t there have already been an APB out on him when he first disappeared?! Lame!!!!

  4. 4
    uglycutie
    Posted December 29, 2008 at 10:24 pm

    My stepson almost called 911 I was laughing soooo hard!!!

    I agree that the day-counting and Aquafina part were two of the funniest parts of this recap.

    And I can’t leave out “he could be the next Leonardo Dicaprio….s assistant” ahhhahaha!

  5. 5
    Robin Robinez
    Posted December 28, 2010 at 8:45 pm

    I Love seeing a sappy movie ripped apart with skilled hands. Thanks.

    Just for shits and grins, this is the version that I have heard my entire life..It never get’s old..heh..

    Jingle Bells
    Batman smells
    Robin laid an egg
    Batmobile lost it’s wheel
    And Joker got away

    :)

  6. 6
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted December 29, 2010 at 12:03 am

    Oh my dear sweet lord. I had no idea Flipit was going to repost this. But I’m glad he did! This is like, the B-Movie-est B-movie EVER. I mean, Anne Heche? She was culturally relevant for about 3 months in 1998. Sheesh. I hope y’all enjoy! Big ups to my roommate (at the time) Carol!

  7. 7
    LAC
    Posted December 29, 2010 at 6:32 am

    LOL! What a gift! Thank you for this so I NNNN-EVER have to watch it. Yep, I am a girl but not feeling these lame holiday movies.

    My favorite line from this recap? “Gee, I sure hope she learns to find the true meaning of Christmas by the time the movie is done!” That is the question I ask while watching these movies, usually loaded on wine. (Will she find the true meaning of Christmas…Easter…Mother’s Day…Halloween?)

  8. 8
    Pikey
    Posted December 30, 2010 at 5:32 am

    Loved the inclusion of the little girl in red from Schindlers List! It fit the movie, in a rather weird way…

  9. 9
    Aunt Dorsey
    Posted December 29, 2012 at 8:22 pm

    Your title is the best. What a barf-o-rama of Hallmark icky sweetness. Hope you washed that movie down with lots of booze-laced eggnog!

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