Silver Bells: Batman Smells, Robin Laid an Egg

Recaps

By Hypnotoad | Wednesday, December 26, 2012 | 10:00 am | 9 Comments
Posted in: Christmas Specials, Featured, Recaps

On the street by the “subway station,” Christy and Bridget put out some trees. Catherine is bitter about the trees and Christmas in general. Gee, I sure hope she learns to find the true meaning of Christmas by the time the movie is done! Her friend tries to convince her to picture Christy as a sexual object. Catherine will have no part of that, thank you! Christy tries to sell her a tree, but Catherine refuses. I guess she used to be a prime customer, but in the past few years, she just doesn’t feel the urge. Ellen DeGeneres knows all about that (cheap, but I had to do it)! Everyone wears hats and scarves, but you can’t see anyone’s breath. Because it’s a set. In L.A. Convincing, Hallmark.

At Catherine’s office, she has a bunch of photos spread out on a desk. Her boss comes in and says the caption for the latest should read, “Silver Bells.” Ding ding ding! We have a title, people. Boss wants to give the photographer a bonus. Boss’s son comes in to talk about the “look up” project. Blah blah blah the son is a scrooge. That’s all you need to know. I guess the “look up” project is all about New Yorkers looking up at the architecture in the city. Well, that’s dumb. Then you’d just have a bunch of pedestrians running into each other, tripping over sidewalks and curbs. That’s a lot of spilled and wasted Starbucks coffee, if you ask me.

It’s night now, and Mrs. Quinn has put up Christmas lights in her windows, but she seems to have gotten drunk on too many hot buttered rums because her star? Is really incomplete.

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Star of wonder, star of half-assed-ness.

Christy says good night to Bridget, who asks if they’ll ever see Danny again. Doesn’t she realize it’s a Hallmark movie? Just relax, Bridget. Danny tells Mrs. Quinn that he’s going out to look for Danny, and heads down to the “subway.”

He encounters a homeless man on a bench, holds out a photo of Danny, and asks if the homeless man has seen him. The homeless man wants no part of this, thank you very much, and goes to sleep. Without asking for money. That kind of laziness leads to homelessness, homeless man. Montage of Catherine sitting by the fire interspersed with photos of the mystery man. And now we’re on the roof of Mrs. Quinn’s building, where Bridget sits. Who edited this thing, a goldfish?

Mrs. Quinn comes out to talk to Bridget about being okay to be worried about Danny and Christy. I have to say that the actress who plays Bridget is really doing the best with what she has. Which is pretty much nothing. Mrs. Quinn says things will work out. Aw, Bridget misses her mom. But she’s dead, Bridget. She died around Christmastime. Meanwhile, at the cleanest hobo camp ever, Christy asks homeless people about Danny. Everyone ignores him. Again, no one asks for money. Hallmark does not condone panhandling, okay?

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Hypnotoad
About

Hypnotoad is a 2009 graduate of the MFA Writing program at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. He was a staple of the Chicago Quickies reading series, has been published in various Art Institute publications, and served as an actor/playwright for the Curious Theatre Branch's Rhinoceros Festival. His works have been online at Fiction At Work and is included in their short story collection. A victim of the crappy economy, he is now living back in Kansas. With his parents. His days now consist of perusing Yahoo Hot Jobs, and sporadically posting horrible ideas on his blog. Good times.

9 Comments

  1. 1
    LNNC92
    Posted January 3, 2008 at 6:44 am

    I know I’m really late to commenting, but I thought this recap was really funny. I haven’t seen (and won’t watch) this movie, but your recap was enjoyable. I laughed out loud a couple of times and I totally rocked the My So Called Life flannel with my hair just like Angela’s with the exception of the color.

  2. 2
    kimbubbly
    Posted December 29, 2008 at 11:55 am

    Got the TVGasm alert e-mail and didn’t realize for about an hour WHY I was walking around the office singing “Silver bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an eee-ggggg”. When I finally figured it out, I figured that I had already invested enough time in this recap to actually read it, and I am OH-SO-GLAD that I did!!

    What a lovely post holiday guffaw I just had for myself…the day counting had me choking I was laughing so hard and when I got to the “intern poured a bottle of Aquafina over him” part I actually had to push away from my desk to regroup.

    Thank you for saving me from watching this!! I’m a sucker for Hallmark treacle, but this recap was SO much more fun!

  3. 3
    Thatswhatshesaid
    Posted December 29, 2008 at 9:43 pm

    This recap was hilarious! I hadn’t even heard of this special. But then again, I never watch the Hallmark Channel… Anyhoo, my comment is….If Danny was missing for over a YEAR, wouldn’t there have already been an APB out on him when he first disappeared?! Lame!!!!

  4. 4
    uglycutie
    Posted December 29, 2008 at 10:24 pm

    My stepson almost called 911 I was laughing soooo hard!!!

    I agree that the day-counting and Aquafina part were two of the funniest parts of this recap.

    And I can’t leave out “he could be the next Leonardo Dicaprio….s assistant” ahhhahaha!

  5. 5
    Robin Robinez
    Posted December 28, 2010 at 8:45 pm

    I Love seeing a sappy movie ripped apart with skilled hands. Thanks.

    Just for shits and grins, this is the version that I have heard my entire life..It never get’s old..heh..

    Jingle Bells
    Batman smells
    Robin laid an egg
    Batmobile lost it’s wheel
    And Joker got away

    :)

  6. 6
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted December 29, 2010 at 12:03 am

    Oh my dear sweet lord. I had no idea Flipit was going to repost this. But I’m glad he did! This is like, the B-Movie-est B-movie EVER. I mean, Anne Heche? She was culturally relevant for about 3 months in 1998. Sheesh. I hope y’all enjoy! Big ups to my roommate (at the time) Carol!

  7. 7
    LAC
    Posted December 29, 2010 at 6:32 am

    LOL! What a gift! Thank you for this so I NNNN-EVER have to watch it. Yep, I am a girl but not feeling these lame holiday movies.

    My favorite line from this recap? “Gee, I sure hope she learns to find the true meaning of Christmas by the time the movie is done!” That is the question I ask while watching these movies, usually loaded on wine. (Will she find the true meaning of Christmas…Easter…Mother’s Day…Halloween?)

  8. 8
    Pikey
    Posted December 30, 2010 at 5:32 am

    Loved the inclusion of the little girl in red from Schindlers List! It fit the movie, in a rather weird way…

  9. 9
    Aunt Dorsey
    Posted December 29, 2012 at 8:22 pm

    Your title is the best. What a barf-o-rama of Hallmark icky sweetness. Hope you washed that movie down with lots of booze-laced eggnog!

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