Silver Bells: Batman Smells, Robin Laid an Egg

Recaps

By Hypnotoad | Wednesday, December 26, 2012 | 10:00 am | 9 Comments
Posted in: Christmas Specials, Featured, Recaps

So, we’re at the skating rink. People are skating. It’s boring. Catherine and Best Friend talk about how Danny will meet Bridget at the rink. But Christy showed up. Will he ruin the plans? Will I care? Man I hate Hallmark so hard right now. Catherine and Christy talk about how Christy has “pushed the person he loves away.” Christy wonders if Danny is still alive, and Catherine says that he is. She says, “When someone you love dies . . .” And Christy completes the sentence by saying, ” . . . part of your heart dies.” Catherine: “You can’t quite believe you can go on breathing.” There’s so much sweetness to this shit that I think I’m diabetic now.

Catherine and Christy skate together. Oh! I really hope they end up together, but I’m just not sure that will happen! Bridget skates around the rink, and Danny yells out to her. They talk about their dad and how he cries at night. “Dad doesn’t cry,” Danny says. “Not when he thinks anyone’s looking,” counters Bridget. Hallmark thinks this is a profound statement. I think it’s stupid. How many times can you roll your eyes before they’re permanently lodged in the back of your head? I guess we’ll see.

Bridget wants to tell Christy about Danny, but Danny makes her promise not to. And then Danny leaves. More skating to lame ass Christmas music. Bridget talks to Best Friend’s daughter about hanging out and Best Friend’s daughter invites Bridget to church to hear her sing in the choir. That sounds like a freaking blast. Christy says they’ll stop by, and he invites Catherine as well. Catherine can’t go, because she worships at the church of the Aliens Who Cause People to Freak Out and End Up in Fresno After Making a Horrible and Pointless Remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho. Did you see that movie? What was the point? Shame on you, Gus Van Sant.

Psychosant

But man, wouldn’t this scene come in handy right about now?

It’s another morning. I think it’s 2011 by now. Catherine’s work. Boss’s Son is being all buzz-killy about finding the lights on in the office. Now, I’m not sure, but I think the guy who plays the Boss’s Son was on an episode of Sex and the City. Season 1, I think. I think he played the Catholic guy that Miranda slept with. But I can’t confirm that, and imdb.com brings up nothing. You may think that this random tidbit is pointless, but so far it has been the most interesting thing about this film. So you’re going to have to give it to me.

Catherine gives some stupid excuses, and soon the talk turns to the amateur photos that everyone in “NYC” seems to love. The ones that Danny took. But no one is supposed to know that, so shhhhh. Annnndddd now it’s night again. Catherine runs into Christy at the tree place. He says he’s looking for Danny. He promised his dying wife that he’d look after the kids. Catherine says that before Brian died, he promised her he’d be with her forever. Yeah . . . oops. That didn’t work out so well. But deep down, she knows that “he is here with me. Just not the way I’d like him to be.”

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Hypnotoad
About

Hypnotoad is a 2009 graduate of the MFA Writing program at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. He was a staple of the Chicago Quickies reading series, has been published in various Art Institute publications, and served as an actor/playwright for the Curious Theatre Branch's Rhinoceros Festival. His works have been online at Fiction At Work and is included in their short story collection. A victim of the crappy economy, he is now living back in Kansas. With his parents. His days now consist of perusing Yahoo Hot Jobs, and sporadically posting horrible ideas on his blog. Good times.

9 Comments

  1. 1
    LNNC92
    Posted January 3, 2008 at 6:44 am

    I know I’m really late to commenting, but I thought this recap was really funny. I haven’t seen (and won’t watch) this movie, but your recap was enjoyable. I laughed out loud a couple of times and I totally rocked the My So Called Life flannel with my hair just like Angela’s with the exception of the color.

  2. 2
    kimbubbly
    Posted December 29, 2008 at 11:55 am

    Got the TVGasm alert e-mail and didn’t realize for about an hour WHY I was walking around the office singing “Silver bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an eee-ggggg”. When I finally figured it out, I figured that I had already invested enough time in this recap to actually read it, and I am OH-SO-GLAD that I did!!

    What a lovely post holiday guffaw I just had for myself…the day counting had me choking I was laughing so hard and when I got to the “intern poured a bottle of Aquafina over him” part I actually had to push away from my desk to regroup.

    Thank you for saving me from watching this!! I’m a sucker for Hallmark treacle, but this recap was SO much more fun!

  3. 3
    Thatswhatshesaid
    Posted December 29, 2008 at 9:43 pm

    This recap was hilarious! I hadn’t even heard of this special. But then again, I never watch the Hallmark Channel… Anyhoo, my comment is….If Danny was missing for over a YEAR, wouldn’t there have already been an APB out on him when he first disappeared?! Lame!!!!

  4. 4
    uglycutie
    Posted December 29, 2008 at 10:24 pm

    My stepson almost called 911 I was laughing soooo hard!!!

    I agree that the day-counting and Aquafina part were two of the funniest parts of this recap.

    And I can’t leave out “he could be the next Leonardo Dicaprio….s assistant” ahhhahaha!

  5. 5
    Robin Robinez
    Posted December 28, 2010 at 8:45 pm

    I Love seeing a sappy movie ripped apart with skilled hands. Thanks.

    Just for shits and grins, this is the version that I have heard my entire life..It never get’s old..heh..

    Jingle Bells
    Batman smells
    Robin laid an egg
    Batmobile lost it’s wheel
    And Joker got away

    :)

  6. 6
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted December 29, 2010 at 12:03 am

    Oh my dear sweet lord. I had no idea Flipit was going to repost this. But I’m glad he did! This is like, the B-Movie-est B-movie EVER. I mean, Anne Heche? She was culturally relevant for about 3 months in 1998. Sheesh. I hope y’all enjoy! Big ups to my roommate (at the time) Carol!

  7. 7
    LAC
    Posted December 29, 2010 at 6:32 am

    LOL! What a gift! Thank you for this so I NNNN-EVER have to watch it. Yep, I am a girl but not feeling these lame holiday movies.

    My favorite line from this recap? “Gee, I sure hope she learns to find the true meaning of Christmas by the time the movie is done!” That is the question I ask while watching these movies, usually loaded on wine. (Will she find the true meaning of Christmas…Easter…Mother’s Day…Halloween?)

  8. 8
    Pikey
    Posted December 30, 2010 at 5:32 am

    Loved the inclusion of the little girl in red from Schindlers List! It fit the movie, in a rather weird way…

  9. 9
    Aunt Dorsey
    Posted December 29, 2012 at 8:22 pm

    Your title is the best. What a barf-o-rama of Hallmark icky sweetness. Hope you washed that movie down with lots of booze-laced eggnog!

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