Silver Bells: Batman Smells, Robin Laid an Egg

Recaps

By Hypnotoad | Wednesday, December 26, 2012 | 10:00 am | 9 Comments
Posted in: Christmas Specials, Featured, Recaps

At the church. It looks like everyone’s wearing left over costumes from the first season of Dawson’s Creek. The choir director tells his kids that “Christmas is almost here and there’s not much rehearsal time left!” Best Friend’s daughter is all worried that Bridget and Christy won’t show up. The Choir of Outfits From 1997 starts singing “Away In a Manger.” In unison.

Pic6

Don we now our . . . oh, forget it.

The choir director has every reason to be nervous. I mean, it’s not like the kids are singing a really simple song that every Christian knows anyway. Oh wait. They are. God, I hate Hallmark. 40 more minutes left?! What the hell? Christy and Bridget show up, so if you were worried about that sub-plot, you can rest easy now.

Catherine steps out of the “subway.” Christy again calls her the “museum lady.” She works. In. A. Gallery! Shut up, Tate Donovan! Catherine talks to Best Friend about telling Christy about Danny. What should she do? She should just tell him already and end this crap fest! Danny lurks around the Xmas trees, and Christy sees him. He runs after Danny, but to no avail. Tension filled violins tell the audience that we should be on the edge of our seats.

Christy, in his haste to grab Danny, gets hit by a bike messenger. Awesome. Catherine catches up to Christy and invites him up to her apartment. I really don’t know why. He’s not wounded or anything. And it’s a Hallmark movie, so no one can French kiss until the last 30 seconds of the movie. You know, I think I had the same flannel shirt that Christy is wearing in high school. Of course, that was at the height of the My So-Called Life phase, when everyone was wearing flannel and listening to The Lemonheads and Matthew Sweet. Methinks Hallmark spent the entire budget on the soundtrack to this film. Was it worth it? Of course not.

They blah blah blah about Danny and kids and teddy bears. Catherine says she has to tell Christy something, probably that she has herpes but she really likes him so can he look past that? But I’m wrong. She tells Christy that she’s seen Danny at the “museum” that’s actually a gallery if you ask me. I’m noticing an extreme lack of chemistry between Tate “one season of The O.C.” Donovan and Anne “crazy as fuck” Heche. And Christy runs away as Catherine watches him through the window.

Pic7

God, I miss Ellen. And having good industry representation.

Best Friend walks out of the pizza parlor with a salad. She runs into Officer Tough Voice. They vaguely flirt. The brilliant use of the Hallmark movie sub-plot is almost Shakespearean. Christy tells Officer Tough Voice that his cash box is missing. The NYPD puts everything on hold to look for a missing cash box from The Byrne Family Christmas tree stand. I’m sorry, but that’s just much more important than murders and drugs and rape, if you ask me. So Officer Tough Voice says that even if Christy doesn’t think that Danny took the cash box, he can put out an APB on Danny, which would make it easier to find him. APB stands for All Points Bulletin. I learned that from that insane 12-disc X Files game. Yeah, I’m a dork. Eat it.

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Hypnotoad
About

Hypnotoad is a 2009 graduate of the MFA Writing program at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. He was a staple of the Chicago Quickies reading series, has been published in various Art Institute publications, and served as an actor/playwright for the Curious Theatre Branch's Rhinoceros Festival. His works have been online at Fiction At Work and is included in their short story collection. A victim of the crappy economy, he is now living back in Kansas. With his parents. His days now consist of perusing Yahoo Hot Jobs, and sporadically posting horrible ideas on his blog. Good times.

9 Comments

  1. 1
    LNNC92
    Posted January 3, 2008 at 6:44 am

    I know I’m really late to commenting, but I thought this recap was really funny. I haven’t seen (and won’t watch) this movie, but your recap was enjoyable. I laughed out loud a couple of times and I totally rocked the My So Called Life flannel with my hair just like Angela’s with the exception of the color.

  2. 2
    kimbubbly
    Posted December 29, 2008 at 11:55 am

    Got the TVGasm alert e-mail and didn’t realize for about an hour WHY I was walking around the office singing “Silver bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an eee-ggggg”. When I finally figured it out, I figured that I had already invested enough time in this recap to actually read it, and I am OH-SO-GLAD that I did!!

    What a lovely post holiday guffaw I just had for myself…the day counting had me choking I was laughing so hard and when I got to the “intern poured a bottle of Aquafina over him” part I actually had to push away from my desk to regroup.

    Thank you for saving me from watching this!! I’m a sucker for Hallmark treacle, but this recap was SO much more fun!

  3. 3
    Thatswhatshesaid
    Posted December 29, 2008 at 9:43 pm

    This recap was hilarious! I hadn’t even heard of this special. But then again, I never watch the Hallmark Channel… Anyhoo, my comment is….If Danny was missing for over a YEAR, wouldn’t there have already been an APB out on him when he first disappeared?! Lame!!!!

  4. 4
    uglycutie
    Posted December 29, 2008 at 10:24 pm

    My stepson almost called 911 I was laughing soooo hard!!!

    I agree that the day-counting and Aquafina part were two of the funniest parts of this recap.

    And I can’t leave out “he could be the next Leonardo Dicaprio….s assistant” ahhhahaha!

  5. 5
    Robin Robinez
    Posted December 28, 2010 at 8:45 pm

    I Love seeing a sappy movie ripped apart with skilled hands. Thanks.

    Just for shits and grins, this is the version that I have heard my entire life..It never get’s old..heh..

    Jingle Bells
    Batman smells
    Robin laid an egg
    Batmobile lost it’s wheel
    And Joker got away

    :)

  6. 6
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted December 29, 2010 at 12:03 am

    Oh my dear sweet lord. I had no idea Flipit was going to repost this. But I’m glad he did! This is like, the B-Movie-est B-movie EVER. I mean, Anne Heche? She was culturally relevant for about 3 months in 1998. Sheesh. I hope y’all enjoy! Big ups to my roommate (at the time) Carol!

  7. 7
    LAC
    Posted December 29, 2010 at 6:32 am

    LOL! What a gift! Thank you for this so I NNNN-EVER have to watch it. Yep, I am a girl but not feeling these lame holiday movies.

    My favorite line from this recap? “Gee, I sure hope she learns to find the true meaning of Christmas by the time the movie is done!” That is the question I ask while watching these movies, usually loaded on wine. (Will she find the true meaning of Christmas…Easter…Mother’s Day…Halloween?)

  8. 8
    Pikey
    Posted December 30, 2010 at 5:32 am

    Loved the inclusion of the little girl in red from Schindlers List! It fit the movie, in a rather weird way…

  9. 9
    Aunt Dorsey
    Posted December 29, 2012 at 8:22 pm

    Your title is the best. What a barf-o-rama of Hallmark icky sweetness. Hope you washed that movie down with lots of booze-laced eggnog!

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