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Wednesday, December 26, 2012
10:00 am
9 Comments
It’s night again. The year 4030, I think by now. Boss Man tells Catherine to watch the lights if she’s working late, wink wink. I think we’re supposed to believe that he knows what’s going on, but there’s no way in hell he could. This movie has more holes in it than the No Child Left Behind act. Danny comes in and asks if he can study for his GED again. Catherine says that he was almost caught last time and says, “I can’t afford to lose my job,” a phrase that I’m certain Anne Heche is all too familiar with.
She tells Danny that he can study if they go see Christy in the morning. Danny grabs a wedding photo of Catherine and Brian and says, “You got married at St. Christi’s didn’t you.” Oh, clever, Hallmark. St. Christi’s? Christy? It’s all coming together. Somewhere, there’s a woman sitting on her couch, wearing a sweater with a reindeer on it, surrounded by cats, who suddenly sits up and yells, “St. Christi’s! And his name is Christy! Muffin, Rambo – did you hear that? I hope they end up together! If not, I’ll die – just die! I should go check on my Swanson’s Hungry Man dinner. I’ll wait for the commercial, though. I don’t want to miss any of the excitement!”
The poor man’s Leonardo DiCaprio pretends to cry about his father. Acting! Later that night – or it could be the year 5000, I don’t know – Danny gives up on geometry. I don’t blame him. That shit is useless, and anyone who says that algebra and above is useful to daily life is a liar. Sad, but true. So Danny leaves the office and a sleeping Catherine, who probably was no help to him anyway. But as he leaves, Boss’s Son is arriving and hears him in the stairwell. So he chases him outside.
Anxious violins play as Danny runs out into the street. A bus just happens to pull up as he’s running, so Danny gets on it. They’re always on time when you don’t need them. Otherwise you wait 30 minutes in the freezing cold while 5 of them pass you by in the opposite direction. And even when you finally do get on the bus, the bus driver pulls over 2 blocks later and is all, “I have to refuel, so you’ll have to get off this bus and onto the next one.” So you wait another 20 minutes for another bus and by this time there’s no way in hell you can make it to work on time, so you just have to sit there and sulk. And then when you finally get on the new bus, it stops at Sheridan and Foster for another 15 minutes because there’s something wrong with the back door and you’re all, “Just freaking drive the bus down Lake Shore Drive! I don’t care if it’s broken or about to explode!” and you end up being 45 minutes late to work. Oh, I’m sorry, that’s not the movie – that was me on Thursday. Stupid CTA. So, anyway, Danny gets on the bus and the bus driver doesn’t seem to care that he’s not paying, because it’s Hallmark’s version of New York, where everyone is nice to everybody and the homeless are clean and polite.
9 Comments
I know I’m really late to commenting, but I thought this recap was really funny. I haven’t seen (and won’t watch) this movie, but your recap was enjoyable. I laughed out loud a couple of times and I totally rocked the My So Called Life flannel with my hair just like Angela’s with the exception of the color.
Got the TVGasm alert e-mail and didn’t realize for about an hour WHY I was walking around the office singing “Silver bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an eee-ggggg”. When I finally figured it out, I figured that I had already invested enough time in this recap to actually read it, and I am OH-SO-GLAD that I did!!
What a lovely post holiday guffaw I just had for myself…the day counting had me choking I was laughing so hard and when I got to the “intern poured a bottle of Aquafina over him” part I actually had to push away from my desk to regroup.
Thank you for saving me from watching this!! I’m a sucker for Hallmark treacle, but this recap was SO much more fun!
This recap was hilarious! I hadn’t even heard of this special. But then again, I never watch the Hallmark Channel… Anyhoo, my comment is….If Danny was missing for over a YEAR, wouldn’t there have already been an APB out on him when he first disappeared?! Lame!!!!
My stepson almost called 911 I was laughing soooo hard!!!
I agree that the day-counting and Aquafina part were two of the funniest parts of this recap.
And I can’t leave out “he could be the next Leonardo Dicaprio….s assistant” ahhhahaha!
I Love seeing a sappy movie ripped apart with skilled hands. Thanks.
Just for shits and grins, this is the version that I have heard my entire life..It never get’s old..heh..
Jingle Bells
Batman smells
Robin laid an egg
Batmobile lost it’s wheel
And Joker got away
Oh my dear sweet lord. I had no idea Flipit was going to repost this. But I’m glad he did! This is like, the B-Movie-est B-movie EVER. I mean, Anne Heche? She was culturally relevant for about 3 months in 1998. Sheesh. I hope y’all enjoy! Big ups to my roommate (at the time) Carol!
LOL! What a gift! Thank you for this so I NNNN-EVER have to watch it. Yep, I am a girl but not feeling these lame holiday movies.
My favorite line from this recap? “Gee, I sure hope she learns to find the true meaning of Christmas by the time the movie is done!” That is the question I ask while watching these movies, usually loaded on wine. (Will she find the true meaning of Christmas…Easter…Mother’s Day…Halloween?)
Loved the inclusion of the little girl in red from Schindlers List! It fit the movie, in a rather weird way…
Your title is the best. What a barf-o-rama of Hallmark icky sweetness. Hope you washed that movie down with lots of booze-laced eggnog!