I’d like to start this recap by giving mad props to Flipit for getting this show off to an awesome start. Granted, he recapped the wrong episode and so I had to start over because I was doing the recap for episode two and he was supposed to do episode one (lay off the sauce, Flipit, geeze). So I guess I’m starting on episode three. And yes we kinda skipped the pilot. And no, it doesn’t fucking matter. There’s not a whole lot of plot to need to follow quite yet. Since I WATCHED the pilot I’ll give you the main points you need to keep in mind for your understanding of the storyline.
Some dude that looks like Nick Nolte’s mug shot (and acts like he never left his college fraternity) has three wives. Those wives are all fat and unattractive, so he drives three-hundred miles to pick up a skinny wife. There’s a whole assload of chitlins, a big ol’ house that looks like a motel or something, and a Lexus. Let’s keep that Lexus in mind. Because a dude with a Lexus deserves at least one skinny chick to bang. Everyone knows that.
I’m way too rich to be the meat in this fat sandwich
This is the Alpha-wife. She comes from a polygamist family, married the overgrown fratboy first, and somehow managed to only pop out one child before closing her vagina for service. Her daughter’s name is Mariah, which is sort of a normal name, so Alpha-wife earns a few points (you’ll see why in a second).
This here is the Beta-wife, but I like to call her Sally Struthers because… Well… Bitch looks like Sally Struthers. And every time she cooks dinner for the kids I’m gonna make a “Feed the Children” joke. I just thought I’d warn you of that now. She is from a Mormon family, but not the polygamy kind. She gave all of her kids those token yuppie names that were super popular right before the trend of just making up names to saddle your children with started catching on. Her brood consists of Logan, Madison, Hunter, Garrison, Gabriel, and Savanah. See what I mean? All that’s missing is a Caitlyn and an Aiden.
And this is the third wife. I guess by alpha/beta pattern that would make her the Charlie-wife, but I don’t think that’s really how that classification system works. I call her Yf (pronounced wife) 3, because check out her kid’s names: Aspyn, Mykelti, Paedon, Gwenelyn, Ysabel, and a fetus with the unfortunate fate of being named Truely. Anyway, this bitch clearly loves the letter ‘Y’, hence her monikor of Yf3. Also, she’s terrified of toasters and refuses to own one. Because toasters kill more people than sharks every year. So the family does not own a toaster. Or a shark, which seems a bit hypocritical. If you’re gonna throw out a toaster based on that logic then you should at least get a pet shark.
Way scarier than a shark
So far as I can tell, all the wives work except for Yf3, who seems to be the stay-at-home mom of the group. The Alpha-wife is going back to school to be a shrink, which is perfect because they say that crazy people make the best shrinks. Can you imagine forking over $100 an hour (minimum) to get advice from a trained professional, and then finding out that trained professional leaves your sessions and goes home to hang out with her sister wives and overgrown frat-boy husband that they all share? Might make you feel like you got kinda ripped off.
That being said, I’d like to mention that I have no objection to their way of life from a moral stand-point. They all seem happy-ish, and what issues they do have are certainly no more than what you see in a traditional, socially approved marriage. Their kids seem happy and respectful, and I can’t really get behind objecting to something as personal as who another person chooses to love and devote their lives to. I personally can barely handle one bitch who doesn’t even live with me but calls and wants to know where I am at 2:30 in the morning, and then gets mad when I tell her I have no idea where I am but it’s dark and there are lots of topless girls covered in glitter and it’s probably a strip-club but hold on a sec cause the room is spinning and I need to do a line of blow off this one stripper’s tits so I can get my head straight. What was I saying? Oh… Right! Women! They’re a pain in the ass and if this dude wants to subject himself to three (or four) wives then I wish him luck. Or I would if he weren’t so annoying.
All caught up? Good. If not, send your hate-mail to Flipit.
So we open with Bro-dad telling the older children about how Robin (that would be the skinny bitch future wife) has a birthday coming up and they should plan a party for her. The kids all seem a bit hesitant, especially when they realize that this skinny chick is only 30. She’s throwing off the whole fatty-old dynamic of the current mom situation.
You know what this family needs? More children.
Skinny bitch has three kids, named Dayton, Aurora, and Brianna. Not GOOD names, but at least they’re names. Yf3 tells us that she was devastated because Bro-dad kissed Skinnybitch when they got engaged. I guess these folks are like those wacky Duggars and don’t kiss until they’re at the altar and the priest says that they’re allowed to kiss each other. I wouldn’t expect fidelity to be such a big concern amongst polygamists, but I guess it is. Yf3 expresses concern over how much Bro-dad is gone visiting Skinnybitch, but says she really likes her as a person. Alpha-wife feels like Woody felt when Andy got his new Buzz Lightyear for his birthday. That is, she feels like the old reliable toy that’s getting no attention thanks to the shiny new skinny toy. Let’s hope that they bond through a series of wacky adventures and take off to infinity and beyond.
Look over there, Buzz! It’s a married man with a Lexus!
Yf3 tells us that she wasn’t intending to have more kids because she had a miscarriage a year before, and now she’s worried about this labor. Plus she’s 37, which is a little old to be poppin’ out babies. Then again, that Duggar mom has gotta be pushing 50 and she’s still squeezing them out. Maybe Yf3 is just praying to the wrong god or something. Bro-dad accompanies Yf3 to a doctor’s appointment where they get a clean bill of health for their little unborn kiddo. Sadly, the name Truely remains in her future. Sorry kid. Enjoy the playground. At least by the time you’re in school everyone’s kids will be named Paprika and Applesauce and shit and so maybe your name won’t seem as bad.
The next day Bro-dad is loading up a bunch of the kids to help move Skinnybitch into a house that’s right down the street, so that means no more road-trips in the Lexus. Good lord these people move fast. Polygamists and fundamentalists date at the speed of lesbians. From first kiss to U-haul in under a week. Skinnybitch tells us that it’s not proper for her to move into the big ol’ family house because she’s not married to Bro-dad yet. Yeah… That would just be crazy. Living together in sin before you’re married to a dude that’s already married to three other chicks.
Dude. Seriously. Run!
Skinny bitch hangs out with Madison, who is the dark haired child from the second wife. She says she has no desire to be a polygamist, and the parents all express that they don’t care what religion their kids follow or what career path they go down so long as they’re happy and thinking for themselves. See? This is where being part of a freaky weird non-socially-accepted family environment comes in handy. Sometimes your parents look at all the shit they get from people who want to tell them how to live their lives and they decide to never do that to their own kids. I like that. I’m gonna take a quick break from making fun of these weirdo’s to say that the world would be a much better place if more parents were putting their childrens’ happiness as the first priority. Okay, back to the hate.
Skinnybitch’s oldest son has Aspergers. Aspergers is the least gnarly form of autism, and I think when I was a kid and there was less focus on autism we just called the autism kids the weird kids. He seems like a nice kid. All these kids seem like pretty nice kids so far, actually. Must be the Lexus.
With the price-tag on this thing it had better help raise your kids.
So Skinnybitch gets moved in down the street, and Yf3 says that she’s worried about Skinnybitch’s kids and all the change and upheaval. They seem fine though. Excited even, except for Dayton, who seems to mostly sit in his room and play on his laptop. I think that’s pretty standard behavior for autistic kids though, so I’m thinking they’re all coping and adjusting without any serious problems.
Alpha-wife helps to get the moving truck unloaded, and while I’m not a jealous person, I can’t imagine busting my ass to move my shiny new skinny replacement bitch into her closer house so that she can distract my already disinterested husband even more. I’m thinking Bro-dad bought and/or is paying the rent on this house, since Skinnybitch doesn’t seem super financially stable. With the amount of cash this dude has to blow I’m pretty shocked that he’s only got one skinny bitch to fuck. If he’d just give up this whole polygamy thing and just be a man-whore he could have sluts fighting over him and his wallet every single night. What a waste.
Big pimpin’ Mormon style
So with the new future wife all moved in the episode draws to a close. Not a very eventful half-hour, but oh well. Hopefully the drama kicks in soon. So what do you guys think? Should the fat wives be upset about the new skinny wife? Is Bro-dad as big of a douche-bag as I think he is? Should people stop naming their kids after ingredients in their pantries? Discuss!