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Greetings Gasmii, and welcome to another excitement filled half-hour of fundamentalists being followed by cameras. My Tivo decided to be a jerk, so I missed the first five minutes of this week’s episode. Hopefully nothing too exciting happened and I’ll be able to keep up on the plot-lines.
Oh good, they waited for me before they started doing stuff.
So it would appear the Captain Douche-pants is taking Yf3 to Sin City along with her kids. Now I know that if you’re from Utah then Des Moines can seem like Sin City in comparison, but we’re talking actual Las Vegas here. Are fundamentalists allowed to gamble? I seriously don’t know, but I’m guessing church bingo is as far as they’re supposed to take that. And yes, I know there are other things to do in Vegas, but those things mostly involve booze, strippers, and blow. I guess I’ll get to peek into that “Family” side that Vegas is always talking about but I’ve never seen.
Las Vegas is bat country!
They check into some nice hotel that they got some smokin deal on because it’s the off-season. Okay, wasn’t really aware Vegas had an off-season either. Well, the recession has made the whole year a bit of an off-season, but you tourists do realize that the “on” season (AKA Summer) is like 120 degrees and miserable, right? Go in October. It’s still warm enough to ogle half-naked women at your hotel pool, but not so hot that their artificial enhancements start to melt.
You don’t want to see this in person
In other news, television is still trying to convince me to give a shit about baseball. Nope, sorry. I’d rather watch another show about fucking cupcakes.
Wow, three different frames at once of things I don’t give a shit about
So back to the polygs. Remember when just a couple paragraphs ago I was pondering what the hell a bunch of under-age fundamentalists would do in Las Vegas? Well, apparently the answer is they go to Lake Las Vegas and skip stones. Yep. Stone Skipping. In Sin City. This is why I don’t go to church. I’m afraid stepping foot inside of one will instantly strip me of every interesting facet of my personality and make me want to drive to a city full of hookers and 24-hour-bars so that I can skip rocks across a pathetic excuse for a desert lake.
After enough hours of this you’ll find yourself looking forward to church
Okay, sure, when I was a kid I spent some hours skipping some rocks, but not on vacation. That’s just weak sauce.
Back home at the wife farm, the three moms left in Utah decide to take all the kids bowling. Skinny Bitch, despite all that gibber-gabber last week about how the families are fully integrated and it’s all one big family now so it’s not even an issue anymore, continues to blabber on about the kids integrating into their new family. In case you guys were wondering, it’s a challenge, but in a positive way. And I swear to god if I hear that general idea expressed one more time I’m going to go grab my Book of Mormon out of the religious texts section of my library and throw it at her stupid skinny face. And yes, I have a library. No, not like a rich person. I just have bookshelves lining every available wall in my house and filled with books. I like books a lot.
Sorry about every screen-shot saying “Strange Sex.” I have to take photos of my TV cause TLC hates posting episodes online. And they REALLY want us to watch the strange sex show.
So bowling, yay! Pssst! TLC! Listen…Things that are boring to do are probably boring to watch. No exception here. Still way better than stone skipping though. Skinny Bitch uses the bumpers, and doesn’t see how that makes her tie score with Alpha Wife (who wasn’t using bumpers) not really count.
Skinny cheating whore
Also, who the fuck has a three lane bowling alley? That’s just weird.
This is also the Provo County movie theater and cultural center
Back in Vegas, everyone is going to Madame Tussauds wax museum because Yf3 has always wanted to go there. They check out the eery renderings of Brad and Angelina, and then see that there’s a George Clooney wax figure in a tux and you can put on a wedding dress and have your picture taken with it.
How’s that protecting the sanctity of marriage thing going, assholes?
Douche-dad and Yf3 have the gall to call that “Creepy.” Okay, granted, it kind of is creepy, but maybe you guys shouldn’t be throwing stones is all I’m saying. Although I suppose stone-throwing has made up the entirety of your vacation so far…
It’s always nice to get away from your home full of giant rocks and just sit around staring at a bunch of dirt instead.
Cut to Alpha Wife, she says that people are giving them shit about how their children didn’t get a choice about being in a poly family and that’s not fair. She says that no kid gets to choose what family they’re born into or the belief system they’re raised with. I have nothing smart-ass to say to that. If you wanna take shots at people on TV who are fucking up their children beyond repair, you should maybe cruise on over to 16 and Pregnant or Toddlers and Tiaras. These guys are nowhere near my top 100 fucked up reality TV parents.
THIS IS NOT OKAY!!!
Pixie sticks or polygamy… Which is really worse for young kids?
Douche-dad says that they teach their kids what they believe so far as their religion goes, but their kids all have a choice as to what they want to believe and how they want to live their lives. See? Way better than spray-tanning them and making them wink and shake their four-year-old tushies at creepy old judges. Choose your battles, viewing public!
Pretty sure these kids are fine
Oh hey, it’s day two in Vegas. They decide to make breakfast in their room to save money. Because they’re fucking idiots who have clearly never been wandering the strip whilst drunk and starving at 4:00am. You know what’s super awesome about Vegas? There are twenty different places to get a 99 cent breakfast. And a huge breakfast at that. Sure you have to walk past some slot machines, but who gives a shit? You don’t have to play them.
Cold cereal and a day of rock throwing. Vacations are awesome!
Yf3 doesn’t know how to cook with the microwave, so they eat cold cereal and yogurt. And then we hear about how microwaved food is full of harmful radiation that would be bad for the kids. Okay, so I know that the hard-core religious types are not big fans of science, but I’d just like to point out that anything that emits energy is “radiating.” Light bulbs, television, computers, etc. All emitting all sorts of radiation all the damn time. Microwaved food is not going to cause you to turn into a mutant. It’s also not going to give you cancer or heart disease. Microwave radiation IS dangerous, so you need to protect yourself by restricting it to a large metal box-like structure. We call these boxes microwaves. Yes, there are people out there who swear that microwaved food will raise your heart rate and give you dia-beetus, but those people mostly wear tin-foil hats and try and convince you to eat algae, so fuck them. Do you have any idea how big of a pain in the ass it is to make popcorn on the stove? No, you don’t, because you eat spirulina and wheat germ and won’t wear bleached fabrics.
This guy cannot teach you anything about science.
Holy crap I’m tangent-y today. Sorry. Back to the show. Douche-dad is on the phone with Alpha Wife, and she tells him that she didn’t get the job she applied for. She tells us that she had a job she really loved, but that she got fired after going public. That sucks. I didn’t know they were allowed to do that, but I guess discrimination laws in Utah might be a little more lax. Alpha Wife works with at-risk youth, and finding a job in her field has been much harder now that she’s on TV for being a polygamist.
Maybe should have thought of that… But I’m still on your side here. Also, Strange Sex is all new tonight at 10pm!
Alpha Wife says that this is why polys hide who they are. Because if they hide who they are they keep their jobs and don’t get investigated by cops, and the gay kid in me is both full of empathy and sick at the hypocrisy. Not at Alpha Wife. I have no idea how she feels about gay marriage and I’m not assuming anything based on her religious choices. It’s just that the church she belongs to has spent a ton of money to make sure gays can’t get married, and yet they bitch about their own marriage rights being trampled on. Alpha Wife should NOT have lost her job for having sister wives, but all those hundreds and hundreds of gay teachers that lost their jobs really shouldn’t have either. Could we maybe all stop discriminating against consenting adults who want to love each other? I think that should maybe be about 8 billionth on our list of world issues that concern us. Maybe we work on world hunger, disease epidemics, the environment, or even studying pigeon migration patterns first…?
Back in Vegas it’s boat trip time. It looks… exciting? No, sorry. It looks painfully boring.
If I throw the baby to the left and swim to the right I can get just enough head start…
After that Yf3 and Douche-dad sit down for a romantic dinner for two. They tell us they’ve been married for 17 years, and that things have been difficult the past year, but for the most part they’ve been very happy. Douche-dad actually calls the trip “An investment to help fill the bank account of love.” I have no words.
A bank account full of love and Aqua Net
What the fuck is up with this guy and purple shirts, btw? How many purple shirts can one straight man own???
Purple was my frat color
So blah blah, credits rolling, blah blah, it’s been tough but we’re glad we’re helping people to see our way of life. Etc, etc. And with that we are done with this exciting investigation into how to avoid doing anything fun at all during your stay in Vegas. Next week we’ll go to Disneyland without going on any rides. If the kids are all good we might wait in line for a couple of rides, but there will be absolutely no riding them!
Okay kids, doggy pics. They’re being pretty cute today.
Stella giving me the stink-eye
And Chase, trying to keep up with the cuteness levels around here.
Oh yeah, and it’s my birthday today, (April 13th) so everyone have a shot for me. I know I will.