Sister Wives: Christmas on the Lam

Hey hey, Gasmii!  Sister Wives took a two week vacation for no good reason, so I’ve built up a lot of snark waiting for them to come back.  Sadly, I have been getting my ass kicked by this super fun combo of seasonal allergies and wicked migraine headaches, so the snarkiness has taken a backseat to lying in a dark room and whimpering ineffectually.  I’m still feeling a little bleh, but thanks to the magic of painkillers and prescription allergy meds I am capable of sitting down and watching a double episode to fill you all in on the goings on of our favorite family of polygamists.  Hopefully the meds don’t make me a shitty recapper.

It’s Christmas time in Utah, and the polygs are stressed the fuck out over the possibility of the family being broken up by law enforcement.  So they’re all going to a remote cabin that doesn’t even get cell phone service in order to get away from it all.  I’m sure the remote cabin that doesn’t even get cell phone service will enjoy taking some time away from being a setting for cheesy horror movie massacres.  Nothing like some good wholesome Utah family Christmas celebrating to help untarnish a place’s image.

This week, family Christmas.  Next week, hide your nubile young co-eds with shaky values.

Sally Struthers tells us that they were forwarded a newspaper article where the Deputy County Attorney for Utah County was quoted as saying, “The Browns have definitely made it easier for us by admitting to felonies on national TV.”  Could someone please explain to me WHY this is a felony?  Cause this is just a huge waste of taxpayer money.

Yes, let’s cut education funding so we have more money to prosecute these guys.  Who needs the arts when we can keep happy families from being happy?

Whenever I hear some asswipe “Protect Marriage” minion going on about the slippery slope of gay marriage, they always want to know if we’d be okay with polygamy, and then what if men were marrying dogs and monkeys took over the planet and blah blah blah.  You know what, NOM?  (that’s the National Organization for Marriage)  I don’t give a shit if six women all want to marry the same dude.  I really don’t.  Are they all over 18?  Great!  Have fun.  As long as everyone’s happy and entering into the marriage voluntarily then good on em.  So far as the marrying dogs thing goes, I’m pretty sure that dogs are not legal citizens and are probably not capable of signing a marriage license or saying “I Do” so we’re probably safe from the monkeys for now.

A Gaythering Storm

If you haven’t seen this video, WATCH IT.  It makes me smile a lot.

Okay, I’m just gonna get down off my soapbox now.  Douchedad is telling us he feels like a peon taking on Goliath, and they’re hoping the cabin will help everyone to check out and just have a nice holiday away from the stress.  Alpha-Wife is hanging lights with her daughter.  She says that she’s always the one that hangs the lights even though the boys should do it.  Her daughter pipes in that that is sexist, and girls can do anything boys can do.  Yeah, go you!  Let me know when you figure out how to pee standing up.

Alpha Wife don’t need no man to light up her house

So as is common in gigantic families, it looks like the Browns are drawing names for Christmas presents.  Normally this is referred to as Secret Santa, but since they’re all shouting out the names they drew I don’t know what else to call it except drawing names for Christmas presents.  The parents buy presents for everyone, but the kids each buy a present for one other kid.

I want a Red Rider BB Gun!!!

The Alpha Wife and Yf3 take a few kids down to the tree lot to pick out a tree.  The tree lot in Utah is so much cooler than anything we get here in Nevada.  Dude that owns the lot brought in a reindeer from Alaska so the kids that came by could meet Rudolph.

*Not actually Rudolph

The sister wives giggle and say that Matt (the lot dude) is cute and they flirt with him a little.  He is kinda endearing, but he definitely has an air of douchebag about him, so I guess we know these ladies’ type.

Teehee, tell me again about your fraternity’s rush week…

The wives are talking about family traditions, and Skinny Bitch says that she wants to add on to that by bringing in some of her own traditions.  So she made a list of all the symbols of Christmas, and made her own ornaments to give to the kiddos.  It’s a very sweet thought, but Skinny Bitch is clearly not a pro in the art of hand-made stuff.  Maybe she’ll get better at it through the years…?

This one is a candy cane… So… Yeah…

Yf3 talks about her tradition, which is from St Lucia’s day and involves all the older girls making breakfast on Christmas.  They’re letting Skinny Bitch’s oldest take part even though she’s much younger than the other older girls, and the kid is clearly very excited.  That’s sweet.

I like traditions that involve getting fed

Alpha Wife makes all the kids pajamas and gives them to them on Christmas Eve every year.  Damn!  Alpha Wife is badass.  Making something like 18 pairs of pajamas every year has got to be a hell of an ordeal.  Just adding to that ordeal is the fact that while sewing Alpha Wife sees a cop pull into the driveway and then slowly pull out.  She freaks out and goes outside to see what’s happening, and it turns out the cop was just turning around in their driveway to go help a car that slid out into a ditch in the snow.

Fuck the po-lice.  Fuck fuck fuck the po-lice

The parents all talk about how scary it all is.  Yf3 says her grampa and all his wives were thrown in jail and made to separate and have no contact with each other.  Douchedad says that historically when a family is prosecuted for polygamy, the family is split up.  That sucks.  Seriously, why the fuck does the law care what this family is doing?  I’m assuming they don’t wind up getting prosecuted, because I think I would have read about that by now, but if they ever do I swear I’m starting up an angry letter-writing campaign to the Utah Governor’s office about what a travesty of justice and waste of time and money this all is.  Yes, that’s right, the gay atheist kid is all fired up to protect the rights of fundamentalist polygamists.  I know that sounds strange, but injustice is injustice no matter who it’s happening to.

Even this douchebag deserves the right to have a happy family

Okay, back off this here soapbox, the Browns are getting ready to leave for the cabin.  They have tons and tons of shit to pack.  The usual mass of clothes and stuff for an extended trip with a huge family, and then on top of that they have to pack all the Christmas stuff and the presents and the tree and so on.

Yeah, you all go ahead and pack up the car.  I’ll just keep an eye on this here milk…

The parents look like they might explode, and they’re all snipping at each other and being very sarcastic and semi-mean.  THIS is the sort of Christmas I’m used to.  Parental figures cutting each other down while children look away uncomfortably.  Now it feels like Christmas.

Could you please ask your mother to pack faster?

The caravan takes off for the cabin around 2:00pm, and they want to make sure that they make it in before dark.  Thy only have one car that can go all the way to the cabin, as the 2-wheel-drive cars have to park at a designated area.  So that means that Douchedad will be making multiple trips back and forth in the SUV to load and unload all the stuff and people from all the vehicles.  Looks like a huge pain in the ass, but the cabin is gorgeous.  Cramped, but gorgeous.

Can’t go to a cabin in the middle of nowhere without towing along the Midlifecrisismobile

The older kids and a few of the parents run out to pick up some snowmobiles and drive them back to the cabin.

Hell yeah, Christmas on a death machine!

They get them all back safely, then bring in the tree and get it all set up.   Alpha Wife talks about trying to have fun and enjoy the holidays, but how the county attorney is investigating their case and it’s heavy on all their minds.  Douchedad talks about the family possibly being split up and how terrifying it is, and he says they’ve decided to move out of Utah.  He says only the four oldest kids know so far, and that this will be their last Christmas in Utah.

After this we’ll be celebrating in some other state.  That isn’t Utah.  And that’s… Sad..?

That brings episode one to a close, and before we start on episode two, here’s your first round of puppy porn.

Okay, back to holiday polygamy.  Everyone is coughing and miserable-ish looking.  I’m guessing all that unloading of stuff in zero degree weather may have wreaked havoc on a few immune systems.  After some Thera-Flu and Dayquil it’s time for sledding and other fun stuff.

I know I’m always merrier on Thera-Flu

The parents are discussing when they should tell the rest of the kids that they’re moving.  The older kids say that they’re super unhappy about moving, because they have to be out of the state within a couple of weeks.   They’re upset, but they’re trying to enjoy Christmas.  So they fire up the hot-tub outside and go take a nice hot dip in the cold cold snow.

Nice and relaxing….

Until your overgrown manchild of a father throws a huge chunk of snow in with you

Douchedad goes up to knock the bigger chunks of snow off the roof so they don’t fall off and crush anyone.  The little ones take advantage of the hill leading up to the cabin and take to sledding down it.  They’re faceplanting into a giant snow drift at the bottom of the hill, so Douchedad sets out to turn the drift into more of a ramp so that they can slow down less painfully.  Sure, slow down… Or catch flight.  We’ll see what actually winds up happening…

What could possibly go wrong?

Alpha Wife decides she wants to sled too, as do Douchedad and Skinny Bitch.  They’re being pussies and trying to slow down before they hit the ramp, but Alpha wife ain’t having none of that wussy nonsense.  She’s barreling up the ramp and into the side of the house like the Alpha female that she is.  Ha!  Alpha Wife is a bad-ass.

You, ma’am, are my hero

Skinny Bitch says that she’s been watching the older kids and noticing how upset they are about moving.  The kids say that they’re scared and sad.  Logan (the oldest boy) says that he hates being forced to move under threat of losing his family, which is understandable.

And might I add, Fuck the Po-Lice

The wives are working on Christmas dinner together, and Skinny Bitch says that she felt like it was Alpha Wife and Yf3′s kitchen and that she maybe should assert herself more.  Whatever.  So long as dinner gets cooked then who cares?  Douchedad says he loved seeing them all working together and having fun, but I assume he was mostly enjoying having four chicks make him food.  I know I would.

And you had better all be barefoot!

Sally Struthers says she’s not very domestic and doesn’t want the other wives to consider her lazy.  From what I understand, Sally Struthers brings home the majority of the bacon.  I think that means she exempt from having to cook said bacon.

This is not the face of a domestic goddess

It’s pajama opening time on Christmas eve, and the kids put on their new jammies for a little fashion show.  Good times, struttin, all that stuff.  Yes, I know, none of this is all that entertaining.  I’m working with what TLC gives me here, and hey, guess what?  They’re giving me boring crap.  Again.

Hey, it’s Christmas morning now!  There’s a massive pile of presents under the tree, as would be expected with a family this size.  Alpha Wife talks about how much she enjoys watching the kids give their presents to each other.  Those kids are actually really sweet to each other.  I grew up in a family with one mom and one dad and me and my siblings hated each other and were never this nice.

It would have cost at least fifty bucks to get me to hug one of my siblings like this

Alpha Wife and Skinny Bitch do some bonding.  Yf3 says that the sister wives are closer with certain other sister wives at different times.  Needing constant validation, Brodad asks if she’s ever closer with the other wives than she is with him.  She says no, and his ego inflates just a tiny bit more.

Thank you so much for the thoughtful present…

Someone tell me I’m pretty!!!

Yf3 bought her oldest a cell phone so that she could keep in touch with her Utah friends IF they move.  Brodad asks her if she’s still not sure about moving, and she says yes, she’s still deciding.  He says that he is for sure moving, and she says that she hates not having a choice.  Brodad says he’s making the decision to move so that the family can stay together, and the wives all seem very very sad about the whole leaving Utah thing.

Stop being sad.  You’re LEAVING UTAH!

Back in Christmas at the cabin land, the family is taking the snowmobiles out for some good times.

Watch out for Alpha Mom.  She’ll run you off the road when no one’s looking

Alpha Wife says they were hoping the trip would distract the older kids from the whole moving thing.  The kids all say that they want to stay together as a family, but none of them want to move.  Brodad says he knows this is what’s best for the family, and he’s trying to be optimistic.  The kids cry and express their discontent about the whole notion of moving.  Yep, it sucks, but lots of kids have to move and change schools and I’d say it’s way less traumatic than having your dad thrown in jail and losing a bunch of your siblings.

And those are some sad sad faces

So on that super cheery note of everyone crying, this exciting double-episode of Sister Wives draws to a close.  Here’s your second round of puppy porn, until next week… Stay classy, kids.