Sister Wives: Don’t be illegal on television

Oh holy crap how I’ve missed you all, Gasmii!  That was way the hell too long of a sabbatical.  But, never fear, I have returned.  Three weeks before schedule even, because those crazy multi-marrying Sister Wives are back with their douche bag husband for season number two, so I’m at my sister’s house using her Tivo to keep you all updated while I wait for my cable to get upgraded   These are the sacrifices I make so that you, my loyal readers, can keep up to date on the happenings of reality TV polygamists without actually having to watch their stupid show.

Okay, everyone look wholesome.  This one’s for the trailer!

Okay, so last season we learned that three perfectly sensible, if not more than a little tubby, women had all thought it was a great idea to marry some overgrown frat-boy and start a massive family.  Then a fourth, much much skinnier woman came along and there was fighting and crying and polygamy.  Always polygamy.  The season ended with a wedding to Skinny Bitch, and since then I’m sure you’ve all heard the news of the legal and career problems experienced by the family.  If not, I’m fairly positive this episode is going to tell us all about them, so just hang tight.  I’m sure it’ll come up in the recap.

Who thinks we’re idiots for televising our illegal activities?

Okay, crappy weird semi-Big Love style ice skating rink with fake snow now includes Skinny Bitch Wife, and holy crap there are a butt-load of kids in that house.  Their kids are referring to themselves as “Pliglets” because they’re mini-polygamists.  The kids are going to be attending public school, and the adults are going to be appearing on Good Morning America to “Come out” to the world.  I’m fairly certain that the whole reality show would have outed them by now, but I guess no one watches TLC so maybe not..

The kids are getting briefed on how the other kids might think it’s weird that their family is… Well… They’re weird.  They’re hoping that the kids will be tolerant and the pliglets will make lots of new friends.  Step one to making new friends: Don’t refer to yourself as a Pliglet.  Especially when a few of you a little bit chubb-ly.   The older kids seem apprehensive.  Douche-bag dad is douchey.  Yf3 (that’s Christine) is stressing about being the mom that stays home and makes breakfast.  Skinny Bitch is stressed as well, because her kids have never told their friends about their weird-ass family life.

Today we learned about multiplication and division. WTF is up with what dad says about love being multiplied?  That makes no sense..

Skinny Bitch reveals that she lives in a separate house from the rest of the family, and that makes her feel sad and disconnected.  Really?  That would make me feel like I didn’t live in a house with four fucking wives and a thousand chitlins, but maybe I’m just crazy for considering that a positive.

It’s so quiet in here. Only five people live in my house.

Douche-dad refers to the “Merger of the children” and I start to seriously wonder if this is a business venture.  Does anyone know what the child-labor laws are in Utah?  I bet they’re pretty lax…

When my 17 hour shift ends I can start my quest for a husband!

The sives (that’s short for sister-wives because I watched Top Model this week and have reverted to the Tyra Banks method of word combining) are filling out their contact forms for school.  Sally Struthers (that’s wife #2 if you’re just joining us. See also: Wife that looks like Sally Struthers) puts the other sives down as the kids’ aunts, while the other wives decide this is the year to put them down as “Other Mother.”  Okay… That’s not gonna make them assume Sister-Wives though.  They’ll just think you’re lesbians.

“Aunt” Susan

Truely, the unfortunately named but ridiculously adorable new baby, is being cute.  Yf3 is scared for her kids and how they might get teased in public school.  I would recommend not naming your kids shit like Truely if you want to avoid playground mockery, but that’s just me.

The oldest child is still going to a special school for pliglets, after having spent a year in public school and not so much digging the experience.  The rest of the kids seem to have coped fairly well with their first day of school, so the family decides to all go ice-blocking together.  Ice-blocking is good times, although I’ve never done it with a blood alcohol level under the legal limit, so I’m not sure how awesome it would be while sober, but I guess when you live in Utah you just gotta take what you can get for entertainment.

It’s either this or another sing-along about Jesus.

Aaand, no comment

Skinny Bitch tells us that they participate in wholesome family entertainment of this sort because they have, “High morals.”  And then I spit some Diet Mountain Dew out my nose, because the add-on skinny wife of a giant bag of douche is telling me her morals are high.  The only possible explanation is that they all sit around huffing paint and doing bong rips, and then when they’re good and high they decide what their morals are.  Actually, I think I may have just explained how every major religion in the entire world was formed.  Except for Scientology, which was formed on a bet and which uses the paint-huffing technique more as an initiation for new members.  The next time you’re reading a religious text, do yourself a favor and picture some burnt out hippy holding a joint and telling you the story in burnt out stoner voice.  It all makes so much more sense that way.

But then this virgin had sex with a ghost, but it was really THREE ghosts, but she was still a virgin because if you bone someone without a corporal body then you get to keep your v-card, bro.

Bro-dad tells us that Fundamentalist Mormons have been ice-blocking since the 1800’s, when some guy saw a prophecy in a hat about sliding down a hill on a block of ice.  Or something.  I don’t know.  I find that once you’ve heard the word Fundamentalist, you can just stop trying to make sense of everything that comes after that.  Fundamentalist is religion-speak for Nut-bag.

Putting the Mental in Fundamentalist

So it’s the next day, and the family is getting ready to fly out to New York and tell Meredith Vierra and the Good Morning America audience that they’re into fundamentalist plural marriage.  Bro-dad is trying to be charming and adorable about how he has to pack in Alpha Wife’s house because it’s in the middle and he has stuff in every territory within the home.  He’s not charming though.  I just want to punch the sleaze out of him.

What do you mean I’m not charming???

Yf3’s mom is going to be staying with the chitlins while Daddy and Mommys are off ruining their chances for a semi-normal childhood.  I don’t mean because they’re outing themselves as polygamists.  I mean because they’re letting TLC follow them around with cameras.

The sives talk about how liberating it will all be not to have to keep their home-life a secret.  This coming from the church that’s been trying to shove me back in the closet my entire life.  I’d go off on a rant about hypocrisy, but I’ve never heard them say anything anti-gay on this show, and it’s entirely possible that their pontificating about tolerance and free love doesn’t end at multiple marriages.  So yay.  You crazy kids enjoy all being married to the same dude that by no means should have been capable of attracting one wife, let alone four.  You are encouraged in your pursuit for life, liberty, and happiness.  I’ll just be over here using my first amendment rights to mock you mercilessly.  Less for being polygamists, and more for marrying THAT GUY.  And also for having a reality show.  That’s instant free mocking pass.

Ladies ladies, there’s plenty of douchiness to go around

The polygamists have landed in New York.  They show up on the set of The Today Show and sit around for several hours.  Alpha Wife tells us a charming anecdote about having to pee right before the interview started, and rushing back and doing the entire interview with her fly down.  Nice.  Classy.  Exactly the sort of thing I would do if I were ever on The Today Show.

Pants are zipped this time. Whew.

Bro-dad says he’s trying not to think cause it’ll freak him out.  Yeah, if you start thinking it’ll freak us all out, bro.  The interview starts with Meredith asking Bro-dad what made him choose to be a polygamist.  He exercises his right to not think at all and just says “uh… uh…uh…” and looks around confused.  I guess the answer would honestly be “I like vaginas and don’t wanna limit myself to just one vagina.”  Since you can’t say Vagina on GMA until the Kathy Lee martini hour, he eventually manages to choke out something about it being faith based. Right dude.  My faith leads me to a lot of strip clubs on Saturday nights, so I feel ya there.

What’s a Jesus-y word for vagina?

After GMA they go do interviews on a bunch of other shows and discuss the legal and social ramifications of plural marriage.  Then they go to Central Park to take pictures.  They banter good-naturedly about Alpha Wife’s photography skills.  Yf3 apparently has wicked bad A.D.D. and sucks at taking and posing for pictures.  Fascinating stuff, ladies.

After that awesome photo shoot, it’s back on a plane to the promised land.  Bro-dad tells us that Utah is “Where the magic is” and they’re happy to be back home.  They greet the kids and there’s laughing and hugging and talking about their fears.

Utah:  You ARE Jesus, Bob.

We flash back to Meredith telling the GMA crowd that the Sives and Bro-dad are under investigation.  They are talking about charging the family with bigamy, and I’m not totally clear on what part of the bigamy is illegal.  Yes, I enjoy making fun of these freaks very very much, but I can’t think of anything they’ve done that they should be charged with a crime for.  Until Utah comes up with a Douche-level ordinance then I say leave them alone.

Reporters are staking out the house, so the family is trying to get the camera guy to follow them in their car so he’s not there taking pictures when the smaller kids get home.  They just drive around town and successfully divert the paparazzi from getting any decent pictures.  The sives say that it’s been hardest on Bro-dad, and he says it’s hard because he’s always been a good person and he’s never done this out of disrespect for the law.   Disrespect for women?  Hells yeah!  The law though?  Full of respect for that whenever it doesn’t apply to me.

Jesus okayed polygamy after an impossible decision on The Bachelor, Savior Edition

The sives have a stranger-danger/daddy might be going to jail talk with the kiddos.  Alpha wife does a lot of crying about possibly losing her kids and/or husband.  Sure, no one thinks about the legal ramifications of doing stuff they know is illegal until a TLC crew starts airing their dirty laundry and the cops investigate.  And with that we draw to a close on the Season 2 opener of Sister Wives.

Oh!  I almost forgot your Stella porn!  So sorry.  Here ya go!

So what do you think, kids?  Do you buy the whole, we did this show so that people would understand and be more accepting of our lifestyle thing?  Cause I don’t think that’s working so much.  Do you think the Utah State Police should probably be busying themselves with more important things than multiple wives?  Have you ever been ice-blocking sober?  Do they do it Utah cause it’s the only time Jesus doesn’t cry when your pants get wet?  Discuss!