Sister Wives Double Header Recap Part II

Welcome to the Epic Sister Wives Recap Parte Dos! It’s the SEASON FINALE!!! This episode has the most action of any episode in a long time, which is refreshing after the snoose-fest that was the last episode.

It’s been a few weeks since Episode 11. Robyn is really close to having Solomon, and everyone is excited. Christine all kinds of giddy as she insists that Solomon loves her. Her evidence? He moves each time she touches Robyn’s belly. I think it’s premature to assume his squirming is motivated by love. Maybe he’s squirming out of fear or loathing. Maybe he itches. Maybe his foot fell asleep. I don’t want to burst Christine’s bubble, however. It’s nice to see her happy for a change.

Robyn is still having morning sickness and Braxton-Hicks. Her morning sickness has lasted throughout the entire pregnancy. EFF THAT NOISE!. She takes it in stride because she’s Robyn and Robyn’s too grateful and kind to complain about anything ever. No wonder Christine and Janelle get annoyed. Nothing ruins a good bitchfest  like a reminder about how lucky we all are to be here.

Robyn won’t complain in front of Meri because it’s way rude to complain about being pregnant around the woman who desperately wants to be pregnant and cannot have her wish. Whenever she’s complained about morning sickness, Meri’s let her know that she should thank her lucky stars that she’s got a baby making her crazy uncomfortable. I get where Meri is coming from, but come on, Robyn can’t eat anything but air and plain toast, she has a right to be irritated about it.

“It’s not like I ASKED for this. Okay, I DID ask for this, but pretending that back pain a frequent urination are gifts is a little much…”

Robyn is Meri’s bestie and she gets where Meri is coming from, so instead of complaining, she texts things like “I’m so grateful to have morning sickness, so I’m running late.” HAHAHHA. Okay, so Robyn isn’t without a sense of humor about it. I approve.

Robyn has an appointment with April the midwife, and she’s not worried because the everything has been fine so far. How exciting, we get to watch a healthy woman go to the doctor to find out that everything is fine. I can hardly stand the action. Things better get interesting soon or my fingers are going to fall asleep from typing about non-events.

TONIGHT ON SISTER WIVES: z z z z z z z z z z z

Over at Janelle’s house, the family is preparing to sit down for dinner. They all eat together as a family, which is nice. The Baldys only join each other around a table for holiday dinners and poker games.

It’s been 9 months since the Brown family moved to Vegas, and it’s been quite the roller coaster ride. A rollerocoaster that has no loops or drops and you only have to be three feet tall to ride, but still.

I can barely hold on with all the excitement

Hunter is still moody but he’s not nearly as sullen and isolating as he was when they first arrived in town. He apparently likes being on the football team enough to stick with it, but not enough to state that out loud to others. Part of me wonders if he’s holding onto his resentment; like he doesn’t want to admit that he’s starting to like Vegas because it’s like admitting he’s wrong. or maybe I’m projecting my own teen angst issues around an unwanted move onto him.

He’s made a lot of progress; he spends less time moping in his room and he will hug Janelle on his own. Janelle notes that he’s withdrawn and sullen, but he’s also a 14 year old boy, and being withdrawn and sullen is what being a teenager is all about. Amen, sister. Teenagers are both awesome and the most irritating people on the planet. When I was 17, Father Baldy remarked that I was the smartest I would ever be. I was totally freaked out by this until I got into my 20’s and I realized he meant that 17 would be the height of my certainty that I knew EVERYTHING. He’s a wise one. He’s also a polite one; what he really meant was “you will never be more of a pain in my ass than you are right now.”

Madison isn’t feeling family time and she excuses herself from dinner. Janelle explains that Madison is still in Utah in her heart. And on her Facebook. And in all of her texts. She talks to her old friends all the time and lives vicariously through them rather than trying to have a life in Vegas. She’s almost free, so I can understand her choice not to set down roots in Vegas. Also – look who is stepping it up! Janelle looks FABULOUS:

At Christine’s house they’re also making dinner. Mykelti has finally sipped the Vegas koolaid and she’s with Asypn on team Vegas now. I know the parents are glad to see them adjusting, but I have a feeling more sinful tank top battles will be in the future as the girls try to fit in.

Is it just me, or are these two more tan than usual? Also, they seem to be wearing more makeup than usual. Not judging, just an observation.  They both win the “Learning to Fit In” Award!

Christine’s son Paedon is struggling a lot. He doesn’t have fries and he doesn’t play sports. He does seem a little dorky, which I do not mean as an insult. He isn’t an angry rebel like Hunter and he doesn’t have Logan’s social skills. He’s at an awkward stage in life, and it’s the WORST time to be in a new school if there’s nothing cool about you. We get to flashback to devestated Paedon was when he found out they were moving:

There’s a silver lining to this sad tale of unpopularity! Having no friends has brought Paedon and Dayton (Robyn’s son) together. Paedon used to give Dayton a really hard time, but now that he has no friends, he’s buddy-buddy with his newest brother. Christine told Paedon that Dayton could up and leave in a year to live with his bio dad, and that drove the point home for Paedon. He was shocked to learn that Dayton might leave the famliy. They’re buds now and it’s kind of adorbs.

YAY for besties!! Paedon gets the “Welcoming the New Sibs” Award

Somewhat related – Dayton seems to be heading into puberty – he talks later in the episodes and his voice is a million octaves deeper than it was at the start of the season.

We’ve checked in with all the other teens, so how’s Mariah doing? Not great. She told Meri she feels like she’s been faking her positive attitude. Hmmm, hiding feelings to avoid upsetting others….SOUND FAMILIAR?

I’m looking at you, Meri!

Mariah is working very hard to maintain a positive attitude, which is mature of her. Unlike the other teens, Mariah has not had a problem accepting Robyn. She shares with us that the first time she met Robyn, she just knew dad was going to marry her. Mariah accepted at that point that Robyn was her mother too. She’s probably the only one besides the kids too young to know better that feel that way.

Mariah is a sweetpea and wins the “A for Effort” Award

Robyn is one and a half weeks away from her due date! She and Kody are at the Midwife office again. She has a contraction in front of the midwife office, and Kody massages her back. AWWW!

Robyn says that Solomon has a big job – he’s everyone’s little brother. Calm down, you’re going to give the kid anxiety before he even gets here. Just let him sleep and poop and eat for now. Robyn feels like Solomon knows that he has a big family that knows him. Not to burst your bubs, but he doesn’t know anything yet.

April says she’s completely healthy and it’s just a waiting game now. That’s the worst I bet; that home stretch when you’re so big and uncomfortable and all you want is the baby to get the heck out of your body already. Robyn’s ready to drive again, Solomon – get you butt out here already!

I just want my car back

It’s teen talk time! Hunter is not thrilled about having a new little brother. He thinks they have more than they can handle already. Maybe Holly Hunter and Nic Cage can take one off their hands!

“They already got more than they can handle, H.I.!”

Logan, always the golden boy, points out that it’s the first baby in the family for Robyn. It’s her turn, so they all need to deal. Madison has Hunter’s back – she’s happy for Robyn but she doesn’t feel any emotional connection to the baby. Mariah is like “It’s your brother, at least from your dad!” Madison is not moved; sperm connection does not automatically equate to an emotional bond in her world.

“New babies stop being interesting after the fourth of fifth one. Call me when we get a puppy and I’ll work up some excitement.”

Hunter says you can’t love someone you don’t know, and Mariah snaps right back the SHE loves baby Solomon! Whether he meant it or not, I think Hayden’s statement is directed towards the new mom and siblings foisted upon them. Oh, and Hunter, sweetie? I BEG TO DIFFER:

I have never met anyone in this pic and I ADORE THEM. R.I.P., Firefly.

Enough with the baby drama, let’s all meet up at Janelle’s house and talk about something else! The parents are rolling with Mona and Bill to scout fitness center locations. Christine thinks it’s weird that a group of overweight people are opening a fitness center. She has a point, but it could work in their favor. People may feel more comfortable at the plump people gym than the hard body gym. All the locations are located in strip malls that look exactly the same to me, so I can’t really weigh in on their discussion.

This could be anywhere in America.

Kody really likes one location and calling their new gym Fitness Fundamentalists, hahaha! Christine corrects him – It’s FUNDAMENTAL FITNESS, Kody. The Christian undertone is more subtle. I say they go with Fundamentalist Fitness because I have a GREAT idea for an ad:

“What would Jesus do….to get rock-hard abs? FUNDAMENTAL FITNESS!”

Also, people make these:

WOW.

Bill points out yet again that the location is vital. WE KNOW. Kody likes the a property located in the ritzy area of town next to a daycare. The family confirms which locations they want Mona to look into and head home.

Robyn has been home prepping for the baby. The ladies meet her at home to go out to lunch together. They’ve been lunching regularly to work on their relationship; it’s the Sex and the City method of group therapy. I guess they don’t see each other very often now that they’re in their own homes and possibly have jobs that we don’t get to know about. Robyn asks what they think of properties they looked at, and Christine is BORED. She doesn’t want to shop for businesses anymore. You’re not exactly shopping for BUSINESSES, but whatevs. I’m with Christine. Watching these people go from strip mall to strip mall is like being hooked up to an IV of Sominex.

Janelle says the lunches have helped them re-identify each other as individuals and take away from them feeling pitted against each other. Does anyone else feel like we missed a LOT of drama? For crying out loud, Janelle actually states that she’s glad it doesn’t feel like “me against Kody and Robyn” – I knew Christine was unhappy but what kind of exchanges have taken place that we didn’t get to see? If all the hate was going on behind the scenes or one on one with the cameras, you know Robyn would have been like “WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?” but she didn’t really react at all. DAMMIT TLC GIVE US THE GOODS! Why are you making me watch boring ass midwife visits and real estate hunting when we could be enjoying women throwing each other the bus and making each other cry?

Robyn looks sad but not shocked. WHAT ARE WE MISSING???

At lunch, Christine tells Robyn that the other wives will be as involved as Robyn wants them to be. Robyn has never been pregnant as a sister wife before so she doesn’t know the protocol. If like if the baby is born in the middle of the night, should she call them? OF COURSE SHE SHOULD! IT’S EVERYONE’S BABY! Robyn was worried about Kody’s capacity to love another child, but she is confident now that it’s fine. The ladies tell her that Kody is the best labor coach ever. Well, Christine and Janelle do. Meri jokes that she doesn’t have much experience. AWKWARD.

Robyn is doing a home birth, and Christine is happy that she’ll get to experience the magic of forcing a baby out of her vagina without all the medical experts ruining it. Robyn, the master of the Hallmark-remark, tells the ladies that Kody is only a great labor coach because THEY made him great. Niiiiice!

Robyn FTW! Give her a high-five, Meri! She’s earned it.

At Christine’s house, one of her kids sits with Truly while she tries to read. Question. How old is Truly at this point? Shouldn’t she have some hair? I have zero kids and know nothing about child development, so moms and experts, help me out here.

FYI Truly: that book is upside down, and you should have some hair by now. You’re welcome.

Christine is ironing some embroidery she made for Robyn. It’s pretty cute: it says “Our family has grown by two feet” with two baby feet. Christine says it is a peace offering. We know that Christine has been a brat behind the scenes, but AGAIN – what has happened?? Either these people are so nice that their idea of poor behavior doesn’t even register with me, or TLC is holding out on us.

“I was going to write ‘I’m sorry I treated you like garbage and accused you of stealing my husband’ but I couldn’t find a pattern at the craft store.”

Christine acknowledges that her jealously made Robyn feel like she wasn’t a real sister wife, and that she would blame her for “taking Kody away” and being the favorite. She didn’t mean for that to make Robyn feel bad. Maybe you didn’t MEAN it, but there is no way you could possibly have thought it wouldn’t make the most sensitive, wounded woman in the family feel like crap. Christine feels really bad that she has been MEAN. WHEN WAS SHE MEAN?? I give up. One person’s mildly annoying is another person’s mean, apparently.

Christine dreads that her kids won’t see Robyn as a mom, and that’s not okay – Robyn has earned her place in the family. I think she’s a little late on the kids resenting Robyn front, but you did some damage control with Paedon and Dayton, so she’s trying.

Speaking of kids who don’t see Robyn as their mom, I am dying to know what has influenced Madison and Hunter to feel so disconnected with her. Janelle has not really exhibited any outward resentment towards Robyn, but her comment at lady lunch hour was intriguing. I wonder what kinds of things she has said at home that may have influenced them. Then again, golden boy Logan is also her son, and he’s always trying to be fair and kind to the whole family. I know they are all teens with their own personalities and feelings, but teens are still impressionable and pick up on what their parents are thinking and feeling. I guess we’ll have to wait for TLC’s “Sister Wives – TOO HOT FOR TV!” DVD that will be released never.

Christine doesn’t expect the embroidery to fix it, but she is sorry. She’s so excited for Solomon and she wants to do better. Good for you, Christine! I’m glad to see she’s coming around, for everyone’s sake. Meanwhile, pillow fight!

If you offered me a million dollars to tell you the names of these children, you would get to keep a million dollars.

Janelle is excited for the baby but she’s not freaking out over it like Christine. She bonds with the kids in her own way that does not involve getting up in the middle of the night to go see them when they are born. Robyn is CLEARLY not pleased to hear that.

Mariah is making a quilt for Solomon. It’s super cute:

Meri shows us the room she and Mariah decorated for the little girls and it’s still adorable; she has cleared a little spot in the closet for boy clothes for Solomon. Meri is excited but it’s not the same as having her own baby. When they were on their anniversary trip in Mexico, Kody asked if she wanted to try in-vitro and Meri shut it down right away. I am with her if for no other reason then THAT SHIT IS EXPENSIVE.

Now things start getting good on the gossip front. So Meri and Robyn have become besties, and we get to see flashbacks of that journey.

Meri has always wanted a deep and spiritual relationship with her S-dubs and she’s NEVER HAD IT until Robyn came along. Translation: Christine and Janelle are nice people and all, but they’re not the Sister Wives I wanted. I am sure Christine and Janelle know that and get it, but COME ON. That has to sting a little. Meri feels a strong connection with Solomon because of how close she is to Robyn.

“Robyn and I are like Thelma and Louise in the movie Thelma and Louise. Christine and Janelle? They’re like Lady in Bathroom 1 and 2 in the movie  Thelma and Louise.”

The fam has given up on finding one house to fit them all, so they’re now looking for a property to build four houses on. It looks like they’ve found a perfect cul-de-sac for their family compound, or Brownpound for short. They’re excited, but they’re not sure how they will afford it. The kids will have plenty of room to run around, and they can just yell across the way to each other.

COMING SOON: Downtown Kody Brownpound!

Meanwhile, we visit Robyn at home – the baby is two weeks late. COME ON BABY! Get out. Robyn shares that her mother had all seven of her kids at home, so she’s knows it will be fine. Robyn had a water birth with Aurora, but she doesn’t want to do it again, so she’s doing it in bed. I hope they put down some towels or something.

Robyn’s dad has come to town for the labor; he’s been there for the birth of all her other kids since her previous husband was a loser. What kind of jackass makes a woman deal with pregnancy and labor by herself?? Eff that guy. Dad is going to be there for #4 even though Kody’s got a gold medal in labor coaching from the wife olympics. Grandpa has certainly earned the right, I would say.

“It’s about damn time the baby daddy stuck around for Labor! He may have a stupid haircut, but Kody’s doing his job.”

Dad tags along with Kody and Robyn to the midwife appointment. Kody pleads with Solomon through Robyn’s belly. Janelle says all her babies were overdue. She got used to adding two weeks; Christine is always late too. Mariah was two days early and Meri didn’t even have diapers yet, LOL.

Robyn is going all natural at home. YIKES. She is hardcore. She doesn’t want to miss the magic of the birth that God designed. To each their own. God designed allergies too, but that doesn’t stop my ass from taking benadryl and passing out.

10:15pm, Oct 25 – Robyn is in LABOR! Kody is excited but calm; he’s ready to show off his labor coach skills and meet his son.

Meri is down to go no matter what time it is. She is not surprised that Janelle wants to wait for morning, but she wants to be there the second he’s ready to see people. The contractions get closer, they put pads down. I’m relieved but I still think labor sheets are in order. Kody alerts the other moms that labor has started via text message.

Meri is BEYOND READY, hahaha. She comes over to drop off the camera. Kody is still unusually quiet and calm. Meri wishes Robyn luck and excuses herself. Kody kisses Meri goodbye then tells us that everyone is involved and that his affection towards Meri just increases the love. Kody compares his affection to Meri as she leaves while Robyn is in labor to when he was at Robyn’s house and kissed her goodbye when Christine went into labor. On paper, that sounds the same – but it’s not. At ALL. Let’s review two flashbacks designed to infuriate Christine:

These two events occurred at the same time.

Christine was in the hospital WAITING and he was ENGAGED to Robyn and you just KNOW that Christine would have been furious to hear about the kissy-lovey going on while she needed Kody. Robyn is in the other room, is not threatened by Meri, and Meri is Robyn’s best friend so Meri is fine with getting out of the way. KNOW YOUR WIVES, DUDE!

A couple hours later, Robyn gets into position in the bed. She’s moaning, and I cannot imagine what she is going through. She’s a brave one, I’ll give her that. I would be SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER. Robyn alerts April when it’s time. She starts pushing, and her moaning wakes up Breanna. Robyn doesn’t want to scare her with the moaning and crying, so Grandad swoops in.

Meri has the baby boy clothes ready in the closet. You can tell she is SO STOKED for the baby. Meri was not this excited for Truly and Christine. She was happy, of course, but this is totally different. I have never seen Meri this happy. I wonder how Christine will feel when she hears that she and Truly are 2nd place to Robyn and Solomon. Someone’s going to get a nasty embroidery gram!

Meri, you are drunk on baby anticipation and you don’t know what you’re saying!! YOU ARE BEING FILMED!

Even more hours later, Robyn’s kids are outside the bedroom waiting.

Kody whispers to the camera that it’s not over yet, and she’s doing her best. POOR ROBYN. I have to say that Kody really is a good coach. He’s totally calm, he’s soothing and supportive. He is overjoyed when the baby is crowning – he gives Robyn the play by play aaaand……SOLOMON IS HERE!!!!!!

WELCOME TO THE WORLD! Someone kid this kid a wet-nap STAT.

He’s covered in goo, and Robyn gets to hold him, and he has his first cry! He looks big to me. I can’t believe that came out of her. At almost 3am, he’s all cleaned up, Robyn is changed and relaxing. The baby is pooped – he’s sleeping. Kody says he looks like all the other kids did when they were little.

At Meri’s house, she gets the text announcing that Solomon is here and she is so excited she is literally shaking.

The call comes and she answers – Kody tells her to come over! Robyn’s kids are chilling with mom on the bed and Solomon is ready to meet the rest of his family. Meri gets Mariah and they BOLT out of the house. The blanket is finished in time, and they’re so excited. Meanwhile, Kody tells us that they won’t cut the cord until the placenta is delivered. TMI, bro.

Robyn’s girls meet their little bro, and they’re so happy. Grandpa wakes up Dayton and brings him to meet Solomon. Dayton thought the baby would look different. Dayton’s voice is SO LOW!

Dayton “Barry White” Sullivan-Brown

Meri and Mariah run up the stairs and I have never seen two people freak out so much over a baby in my life.

Mariah starts crying and gets to hold him first for a few minutes before Meri is like MY TURN!!

Hello Gorgeous

She gets the baby and it’s totally love at first sight. Robyn of course loves the blanket Mariah made, and they share a big long hug. Meri is so happy, and Robyn is truly happy to see how much Meri loves her little boy.

Over at Christine’s house, she gets the kids up. One of the little ones says she can’t wait to have a new little bro and Mykelti is like you already do dummy. Calm down Mykelti!

Solomon’s stats: 9lbs 10/5 oz. and a 15 inch head. GOOD LORD! Janelle says that’s Brown babies – WELL LOOK WHO MADE IT OVER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! Meri and Janelle laugh at how “Brown” he is. Brown babies = vaginal destroyers.

Christine comes in and she’s beaming with excitement. I actually got chills at how happy she looks:

TLC cues up some saccharine sweet song about the Lord while we watch the family meet their newest member. Robyn loves Christine’s gift.

While the hallmark song plays, we get to see everyone with the baby. Remember how Madison was like, oh I’m not really feeling anything? Did you worry that they would not accept the new baby? If you haven’t figured it out by now, TLC IS FULL OF CRAP. Madison holds the baby and you can see the love.  I don’t think anyone in this family can resist a baby.

“Okay, FINE! I love this baby!’

Hunter makes it over and this happens which is adorbs:

Logan holds the baby and he’s a natural:

Robyn shares with us how it has hurt her that Hunter has not accepted her. It doesn’t matter anymore because she has Hunter kryptonite – A BABY!

“HAHAHAHA, you’re SCREWED!”

Janelle holds him, more love at first sight:

The whole family is in awe and in love with the newest member. All you have to do to win these people over is be a baby. The Robyn-Hunter drama reaches its dramatic climax as Robyn asks Hunter if he wants to hold him, and in a moment straight out of Hollywood, he reluctantly walks over and takes the baby from Robyn…and It’s totally OVER!

“Must…resist…baby…”

He makes the CUTEST FACE.

“I resent you less right now.”

Robyn hopes that Hunter and all the kids accept Solomon as the baby bro for realsies. Of course they will. Robyn finally realizes that Hunter is just trying to figure it all out, and that is okay.

Happy…FINALLY!

Did you think that was the emotional climax of the finale? I sure did – and boy was I wrong! As everyone leaves, Robyn says she needs to talk to Meri alone, and we are hit with the most emotional bombshell of the entire series: Robyn asks Meri to consider her as a surrogate! Meri is stunned and Robyn keeps going; they could take “pieces of you and pieces of Kody” and Robyn would carry the baby. Robyn tearfully tells her that she’s offering whole heartedly. Meri starts crying and is clearly still absorbing this offer. Robyn doesn’t need an answer right, she just wants her to know. Meri thanks her, and Robyn stresses that she means it. Meri is like “Really?” and Robyn says that she has been praying about it since they met. That’s when Meri loses it, and the besties share a tearful hug.

“Did you ever know that you’re my heroooooo? You’re everything I wish I could beeeeee!”

WOW! All the drama and angst of Season 3 had me worried about this family. TLC had me completely hosed and wrapped it up with a high note, an emotional bombshell, and a cliffhanger! Will Robyn end up carrying a baby for Meri? Will Christine and Janelle have anything to say about the fact that Meri doesn’t feel she has a deep connection with them? Will Kody get a grown-up haircut? Will the teens graduate high school and move back to Utah?? We will find out in the Spring when Sister Wives returns for Season 4!  What did you think? Were you moved by Robyn’s offer, or is your heart made of lead? I teared up, I’ll admit it.

I have had the best time recapping this season of Sister Wives, and I want to thank you all for your support and insight! You’ve taught me things and cracked me up. I can’t wait to dive into the next season with you guys. Until then, stay fabulous!

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