Oh my dear Gasmii, I have not been able to stop cackling about Sunday night’s episode
Meri “I really like my trainer. REALLY REALLY LIKE HIM.”
Robyn: “Kody likes curvy women. I’m sad.”
Christine: ”Robyn can’t eat whatever she wants? That is SOOOOOOOOO sad because I love to savor each and every morsel of delicious, delicious food. I would DIE if I couldn’t eat whatever I wanted. DIE”
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!! DELICIOUS, DELICIOUS DRAMA! I can’t handle all the LOLZ.
I don’t know what happened in Wyoming, but this week the S-dubs decided it’s time to get fit. Perhaps THIS motivated them?
“Oooooh, Kody! IT RUBS THE LOTION ON MY SKIN”
Or maybe it was THIS?
“You know what else is nice? Being a size four!”
Whatever the case, Meri has been going to the gym and like all people who find going to the gym to be a miserable experience, she’s dragging others with her! Like love, the misery and boredom encountered at the gym should be multiplied, not divided.
“If I’m sharing a husband, then I’m sharing my sore ass and sweaty spandex. It’s all or nothing, bitches.”
Meri has been working with a personal trainer, who she likes. REALLY LIKES. A LOT. I don’t think Meri is devious enough to flirt with the trainer to get the attention she craves from Kody, so we’ll say that this she is doing it subconsciously. All that attention from one man just got to be too uncomfortable, so she’s bring the ladies with her. That, or she’s orchestrating The Great Escape Part II and she’s trying to get her ladies on board with Bill.
Christine is working out to look and feel better. Janelle had to deal with the inescapable weight tsunami that comes with age and babies. No one asks Robyn why she wants to go to the gym, and the reality is she probably doesn’t but it’s three against one. Plus, it’s not like she can say “I don’t need it” without getting some serious shit.
Let’s meet the trainer, Bill.
He seems like a nice guy. Christine is a flirt right out of the gate! “Will you yell at us? Because I don’t mind” – Damn Christine! You may be bad, but you’re perfectly good at it.
Watch your back, Kody. There’s some serious love multiplication brewing at the gym.
Janelle is clearly nervous and gets on the scale first. The ladies are very understanding and turn their attention elsewhere so that she does not feel like she’s on display. 271 lbs! Janelle has always struggled with her appearance; I appreciate her candor as it cannot be easy to discuss something like that on national television. Christine weighs 222, which is not the biggest she’s ever been – she’s actually lost weight since she got married. Meri comes in at a cool 214 – and she and Bill are all flirty while she’s on the scale. LOVE IT.
Robyn’s turn! As soon as we knew the Kody-Lady Party was going to the gym, all I could envision was the three original wives complaining about their weight while Robyn stands by wishing that the ground would swallow her. And I was RIGHT! Robyn has probably let a few comments slip about how big she is getting and how fat she feels, which in turn probably earned her the death-laser stare from Christine. As if Robyn needed something to make her feel more meek around wives 1-3 (or people in general).
Robin gets on the scale and my first reaction was “ROBYN WEIGHS MORE THAN ME! SUCK IT ROBYN!” By like, three pounts, but whatever. Apparently Christine is rubbing off on me. Then I realized that Robyn is pregnant. I am very much not pregnant, so fuck you Robyn! OOOOH, I just decided that Fuck You Robyn is going to be the name of my band someday. The name of the first album? Crosslighting.
The producers of the show are as shallow and mean as Baldy, so they’ve clearly brought the issue of Robyn’s body up to the other wives. Meri answers that she is not threatened by Robyn being skinny – it’s probably the fact that she’s new, young, pregnant and worships Kody that threatens her relationship with Kody. Meanwhile, Christine is PRICELESS. “People would think I want to look like Robyn, but I don’t want to be too skinny.” You know, like Robyn. I don’t think anyone would really classify Robyn as too skinny. Too insecure, quiet, meek, naive, and many other things perhaps, but not too skinny. She has always looked healthy to me.
Now it’s Robyn’s turn to talk! Does Robyn talk about the importance of fitness, or how everyone’s body is different and that’s okay? NOPE! Robyn FEELS BAD ABOUT BEING THIN. Mission accomplished, Christine! Robyn is worried and insecure because Kody told her likes curvy women. The truth does not lie, people! After all, three of his wives are quite rotund. Kody either likes his women thick or he is intelligent enough to say this out loud to avoid the silent treatment (or murder) at the hands of his three “curvy” wives. Apparently Robyn says that being thin does not give her some kind of advantage. Not that she needs it. Again: she’s the pregnant, shiny new wife who worships Kody. No skinniness is necessary.
Robyn: “Kody told me he likes his women plus sized. Actually Christine told me Kody said that, which is the same thing. Which Christine ALSO told me.”
Robyn: “That makes sense, right?”
Meri: *Sigh* “Robyn, you poor naive little thing. I’ll pray for you.”
The trainer says the goal is for each woman to lose 20 lbs. His goal is more. So, what is the goal then? What is the point of having a fake goal and then a real goal? This is why I suck at the gym. At Billy’s declaration of goals, Christine is all, ME TOO! Looks like Christine is feeling special again.
Then the trainer zeros in on Janelle. She’s already uncomfortable and his super serious tone is not helping. He tells her what her BMI is, and she says that her current BMI is better than it has been in the past. The trainer launches into a list of all the ways being overweight ruins your life, and Janelle is clearly not happy about it. How humiliating; I give Janelle mad props for not crying or lashing out, which is what I would have done.
“You’re what we call ‘obese’ – that means you weigh more than you should because you have too much of what we call ‘fat’. You need to lose the ‘fat’ with what we call ‘exercise’.”
“I understand that, and I’m well aware of my current fitness and health situation.”
“Seriously, being overweight is bad. It will make you depressed and tired and ruin your life and kill you. I can’t stress this enough. FAT is BAD. BAD FAT.”
Janelle: “I GOT IT. REALLY. YOU CAN STOP TALKING”
Robyn: “I wish I was overweight. I bet Kody loves you the most“
The trainer is talking to her like she’s an idiot – RUDE. I am well into the “overweight” portion of the graph on my physician’s exam room wall, and while he likes to bring up my weight, he never talks to me as if he was the first person to explain fat to me. Soapbox time – Why do trainers and doctors explain to people’s fatness to them as if it were earth-shattering news? It’s not like we don’t know – you’re not breaking any new ground here. All I have to do is open my eyes and look at a magazine, my mirror, or half of my clothes and I know I’m overweight. It’s not like I don’t know that chasing donuts with ice cream is making me fat, I just don’t want to stop doing it.
We get treated to footage of the ladies working out. Christine struggles through lunges while Robyn does pregnant lady exercising. Janelle is taking a positive attitude towards the workout. I’m happy for Janelle and I hope she sticks with it for herself. Despite his grave speech, Bill is being supportive of Janelle rather than drill sergeant-y.
It’s off to Janelle’s house to greet the Danielle, the curious Episcopalian preacher / professor who wants to learn more about the Brown family’s beliefs. She’s wearing a sleeveless bright red top and looks a little like Sarah Silverman (and sounds like her) and I kind of wish it was SS just to see what she would say. Also, a red, sleevless shirt? WHORE! Someone get her a black long-sleeved henley to layer under that top STAT!
“Welcome to our home! Let me grab you a turtleneck so we don’t have to look at your lustful arm skin.”
The ladies and Kody take Danielle to dinner at a Chinese food buffet. These producers are brilliant! We’ve just had sad and difficult discussions about our weight and exercise, let’s bring food into it! Janelle researched healthy eating choices online. I love her. Everything she does is awesome to me, though. If Christine said she researched food before the buffet, it would have annoyed me. Baldy plays favorites.
Christine thought the buffet would be harder, but it wasn’t that tempting. Robin apparently is a super picky eater. She has a strong sense of smell that makes all food smell terrible to her, and it’s even worse now that she is pregnant.
Restaurant cooks love to see this expression. REALLY ROBYN?
Meri informs us that she once told Kody that she wished should could eat whatever she wanted like Robyn, and Kody informed her that Robyn has to be really careful about what she eats because so many foods make her sick. Meri recognizes that LOTS of things taste better than skinny feels (suck it Kate Moss) so she doesn’t envy Robyn. In fact, she feels really bad for Robyn…or not.
“Robyn gets sick if she eats anything other than plain lettuce or dry cheerios. Isn’t that SAD??”
What does Christine think?
“Would I want to be thin like Robyn or enjoy food? DUH – I would rather enjoy food. I would enjoy and savor each bite almost as much as I would savor the fact that Robyn will be choking down plain pasta while I delight in each and every morsel.”
HAHAHAHAHAHA! LOVE IT LOVE LOVE IT. Janelle is like fuck food, I want to be thin. I wish I felt that way. I’m on Team Food.
Danielle gets straight to the point – she asks if they consider themselves a part of the same church as the creepy compound style polygamists that marry 14 year old girls off to gross old men. Kody explains that they do not share that faith; his church does not believe in arranged marriage or other things that the creepy fundies share. You know what that means, Danielle? It means these four ladies chose Kody. Yeah. Wrap your head around that one.
After learning more about the family, Danielle asks them if they would be interested in traveling back East to talk to her students about their lifestyle and faith. Kody says he likes the idea of speaking publicly but he doesn’t want to have to face an antagonistic crowd. Janelle, the badass, sees this as an opportunity to take the teenagers on a college visit to an East Coast college – an opportunity they would not have otherwise. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again:
SMARTEST PERSON ON THIS SHOW
Meri invites Danielle to come over the next weekend for Mariah’s 16th birthday party to meet the fam. It’s going to be super fun (loud) because the boys will be back from Wyoming! I didn’t realize they were gone. There’s a reason I’m not a parent, folks.
Back to the gym! Bill is checking in with Meri to see how she is feeling. Meri reiterates that Bill is great. Yeah he is. HINT HINT Meri! You only have one kid, you could totes break free and go be with Bill and visit the Browns on the holidays!
Christine calls Bill “absolutely darling!” He has her doing something with the as seen on TV power push up thingys and the half-excercise ball thingy. If you haven’t already guessed from my mastery of fitness equipment nomenclature, I don’t spend a lot of time at the gym. Bill is pretty flirty with Christine, and Christine is loving the attention.
Get a room already!
The producers stir the pot some more and we get Kody’s view of the ladies’ new gym BFF. Kody thinks that Bill is a professional, and he trusts his wives, so he is not worried about any hanky panky. Has Kody met Bill? Because I think he should be an eensy weensy bit jealous. I think it would go over well with the ladies to see him a little jealous too. He should just fake it. You can tell Bill really likes working with people; they end their latest session with a group hug! Meri, Operation GREAT ESCAPE is in full effect! MAKE IT HAPPEN!
When is the last time these four women were this happy to be around Kody at the same time? Food for thought…
Birthday night! The Episcopalian and her husband show up with open minds and a shit ton of balloons for Mariah. By the looks of the present, they also got her a giant check.
Kody explains that the five boys have been gone and the girls are soooo excited. Logan got a haircut in Wyoming! He explains that he and Hunter brought the other two brothers with them this year. You would think that the Jonas brothers are on their way over with the level of excitement. It was actually really cute to see how much they missed each other. Logan tells us that it was nice to get away from Vegas, but it was good to be home.
The only time the Baldys are this happy to see family is when they’re leaving.
Cut to a super cute moment with Janelle and one of her sons that I don’t recognize. Janelle says she was worried Danielle was overwhelmed but you can tell she actually thinks it’s awesome. It’s nice to see that on the b-day, the kid really is the center of the attention. Even Kody gives up the spotlight. He may be annoying in a lot of ways, but he does really love his kids – they all do.
Danielle is chipper as they leave but you can tell that her husband is so done. He’s going to make sure they stop for condoms on the way home. Meanwhile, Danielle gives the brown’s her seal of approval. And we’ve reached the end of another exciting episode of Sister Wives! What did you think? Will Bill cause drama in the Brown marriage? Did a summer in Wyoming help Hunter reset his attitude? Will I ever remember the names of all the children?
I’d like to spotlight a correction to the Minicap – I said that Danielle was a Methodist minister. My bad, she’s Episcopalian. Baldy doesn’t know the difference but realized the mistake after the Minicap was already up. My apologies to anyone who was bothered. Also, my condolences because I would lose my mind if shit like that made me lose sleep at night! Here’s to not caring! Love, LB.