Hey hey fans of polygamy! Welcome back for another exciting episode of Sister Wives. Followed by another exciting episode of Sister Wives. Yes kids, I think I’ve gotten to the root of the confusion experienced by Flipit and myself last week. See, really this show is an hour long, but since Mormons are fucking weird they pretend like the show is a half-hour long, but then air two new episodes in a row every single week. Ummm… What is the point of all this? Besides making it difficult for me to mark an episode number when filling out my recaps? Fuck you, entire state of Utah.
Utah: Ripe for the fucking
If you’re just now joining us, then read the last two recaps, ya lazy ass! They’re all on here, okay? Take some initiative and click through to find them. I can’t hold your hand all the bloody time. Oh, and since the TLC network has something against full episodes being available online, these crappy screen shots are pictures of my TV that I took while recapping. You’re welcome.
So this week, Yf3 is giving birth to her most recent unfortunately named child. Yf3 tells us how much her unborn fetus loves the rest of the family, because she kicks like mad whenever her brothers and sisters come around. Maybe she’s trying to escape? Maybe she’s trying to kick some sense into you before that ridiculous name winds up on her birth certificate.
That’s Morse Code for, “Name me something else”
Anyway, Truly (the fetus) is a week overdue, so it’s off to the doctor while Bro-dad’s girlfriend (not wife, mind you) watches the smaller chitlins and cries about her broken family. Look shoog, just because your family is broken doesn’t mean you need to go gluing it to a bunch of other families.
Mommy’s just giving you a name tag cause I have no idea who the fuck you are…
Alpha-Wife is supportive of the skinny bitch (at least while Skinny Bitch is around) and looks right at the camera and says, “Who says where the line is drawn of who you can love?” Ummm… Maybe it’s just because I’m gay, but I’m pretty sure the Mormon Church has been trying to draw that line between me and the lesbians I like to get nakey with for years.
Yeah! What she said.
So back at the hospital, Yf3 and Bro-dad realize that it’s the 13th of the month and that this will be his 13th child and seriously get retard-excited over the notion of it being born that day. That’s a great reason to induce labor. For whimsy. Fuck your Yf’s health. Fuck your baby’s health. Let’s make a lame number connection.
If only there were a 13th month…
The three non-preggo wives explain that most polygamists have home births because they’re scared of hospitals finding out about their morally ambiguous lifestyles. Yf3 has had a miscarriage though, so they’re taking the safe route and using actual doctors and epidurals and stuff. I’m pretty sure maternity wards don’t run background checks on expecting parents, so the obvious solution here is to just lie. Or… ya know… Just marry one person and don’t let him bring home new wives whenever the mood strikes him.
TLC sent cameras, so we knew something was up
Back at Skinny-Bitch’s place, Skinny Bitch announces to the brood that Yf3 is about to push yet another “Y” baby out of her vagyna. See what I did there? Vagyna.
Bro-Dad goes to Skinny-Bitch’s to help load up the kids, and while he’s there Yf3’s water breaks. While they’re “Hustling” to get everyone to the hospital on-time, the cameras catch Bro-Dad sneaking off to make-out with his skinny fiance while his poor fat Yf is in labor. Yeah, this guy’s a keeper. I can see why he wouldn’t want to limit himself to just one wife. Or two. Or three.
Yf3’s eldest child Aspyn is attending the birth, although I can’t imagine why any child would want to see that. It’s gross in general, but imagine how much grosser it would be to stare down your own mother’s vagina. ***shudder***
Back over with Skinny Bitch and the little ones (band name! Woot!), the girls are playing dolls, with four mommy dolls and one daddy doll. In the most fucked up version of sharing EVER, Skinny Bitch tells the children not to fight over the daddy doll, because they have to share him just like the real mommies have to share him. For the second time in two minutes, ***shudder***
Douche-bag Ken. (Lexus sold separately)
Oh hey, it’s time for pushing. You guys excited??? Yeah, me neither. I find it really strange when couples want to tape their children’s births. When would you want to watch that tape? You know what’s even weirder? Letting the TLC Network videotape your labor and broadcast it for the world to see.
Oh yeah, that’s a memory you’ll wanna freeze in time
Okay, either there was some super creative editing, or that woman has pushed enough babies out her vagina that they just sorta slide out now, because there’s no sweating or screaming or sheet-clenching, or even lamaaz breathing. She seems calm as a Hindu cow, and then there’s a baby. Okay, I think we may have gotten to the root of why Bro-Dad keeps bringing in new wives. Having sex with that woman has gotta be like landing a single-engine Cessna in the Grand Canyon.
So Truly is healthy and happy and still sadly named Truly. God, you parents are dicks. Seriously. The wives and kids all load into a caravan and head to the hospital to visit the new addition. There are hugs and pictures and tears, and then someone has to take the baby away from Sally Struthers before she eats it.
Feed the Children… To ME!!!!!
Okay, so that brings us to intermission. Seriously, why do I have to watch end credits, and then the stupid opening credits again? This is dumb. If it wants to be a half-hour show then it should just be one. Make up your damn mind!!! There’s a bisexuality joke in there somewhere, but I’m too busy making fun of these fucked up straight people to come up with it.
You’re super cute! Sorry about your name. And your dad. And that whole Utah thing.
So, after the second time in 30 minutes of having to hear that moron husband say “Love should be multiplied, not divided” we’re onto act 2. Seriously though, what the fuck does that even mean? If four wives doesn’t divide your love then what does? How do you divide your love if not through DIVIDING it??? Grrrr.
Okay, so Alpha-Wife, who’s looking oranger by the minute, tells us it’s her 20th anniversary. Guess how she’s gonna spend it? Going with the other two wives to buy a wedding ring for wife number four. Haha. I’m saving this episode so that when one of my friends calls me bitching about how she spent her anniversary watching her husband play Gears of War 2, I’ll be able to say, “At least you didn’t spend it buying a ring for his new skinnier hotter wife.” That oughta calm em down.
Do you have a ring that will make someone fat?
Sally Struthers explains that when they’re out in public buying wedding rings and such, people will ask them how they’re all related, and they just tell everyone they’re sisters. Because using the term ‘Sister Wives’ brings about a lot of judgmental prejudice behavior. I feel for them on that. I really do. I would feel for them a whole lot more if they weren’t part of the church that’s made its mission in life the prevention of my homo-brethren being able to marry. Not that I’ve heard any homo-phobic comments from this family yet. They may be some of those super accepting Mormons, which I know exist. I’ll be nice and not assume that they hate me and my muff-diving ways until they prove otherwise.
Ooh! I just saw a caption on the TV and realized that Skinny-Bitch’s name is Robyn with a ‘Y’. No wonder they brought her in. These people are all about Y’s.
In the multi-family kitchen, Mariah is telling Bro-Dad that she hates going to public school and wants to go back to home-schooling. She also drops the bombshell that she wants to joint the military when she turns 18. She says she wants to go to the Naval Academy in Annapolis to learn to be a doctor. Bro-Dad is worried that because the polygamist school she goes to isn’t accredited, she won’t be able to go. They discuss sending her to a regular school so that she can get an actual diploma and have a chance, and then Bro-Dad tells her that joining the military is a major commitment, like marriage. Ummm… Not like your marriage, dude. Don’t think The Navy looks too kindly on you also joining up with Canadian Royal Guard and Swiss Army at the same time.
Munitions should be multiplied, not divided.
Alpha-Wife and Bro-Dad are getting ready for a fancy dinner date to celebrate their anniversary. Alpha-Wife expresses sadness over her inability to get knocked up anymore after the first kid. To make up for twenty years of failed impregnation attempts, and the added stress of a new skinny fiance, Bro-Dad is also taking her to Mexico. But not before Bro-Dad spends twenty minutes tousling his hair trying to cover his male-pattern-baldness. After that fails, he just gets in his Lexus. Good call dude.
Oh yeah, that’s the look
Bro-Dad and Alpha-Wife make awkward small-talk over dinner. Alpha-Wife says it’s because she’s feeling insecure about the new skinny wife, and a waitress comes and breaks the tension by setting off a pyrotechnic display at their table.
Glad there’s sparks somewhere at this table…
After the fireworks end, Alpha-Wife tries to explain that Bro-Dad would be devastated if she was into another guy. Bro-Dad calls it vulgar and says it sickens him, but to his credit, he does acknowledge that he’s a giant hypocrite. Alpha-Wife says that she’s not asking him to NOT bring in the fourth wife, but she just wants him to understand the way she feels and cut her some slack about feeling a bit of jealousy. Bro-Dad acts like a giant douche by claiming empathy while also blaming her for being irrational about polygamy when she’s in a polygamist relationship. Bro-Dad, you should seriously shut the fuck up unless you’re going to apologize and kiss this poor woman’s feet. No one has a wife this understanding. NO ONE!!!
I’m bored. Where’s my skinny girlfriend?
Finally, the Douche-King apologizes. He still sounds like a douche, but hey, at least he said he was sorry.
On the Big Red Couch Confessional, Yf3 talks about how good it is that Bro-Dad and Alpha-Wife are going away on a vacation, because their relationship has been so strained lately due to Robyn. What’s awesome is that Robyn is sitting right next to her, looking uncomfortable the whole time. I have noticed that while on the Big Red Couch, most of these fuckers talk about other members of the family as though they’re not there, even though they’re sharing a couch cushion. It’s kinda hilarious.
You just have to say, “Earmuffs”
In Mexico, Bro-Dad proposes the idea of in-vitro fertilization, and Alpha-Wife shoots him down. She says she’d love to have another baby, but thanks to a previous miscarriage, she only wants one if it happens naturally.
Shirtless Bro-Dad. I had to see it, so you do too.
And with that, another fine week of TLC’s “Look At These Freaks On Your Television” draws to a close. Actually, they should just change the name of the network to that, because pretty much every show is just about watching people be freaks so you can judge them and feel a little less freaky about your own weirdness. Thanks, TLC. You’re even classier than Vh1.
Look at these freaks!
And these freaks!
We have tattooed freaks…
Mentally ill freaks…
Freaks getting married…
Aaaaaand… These guys
Okay Gasmii, that’s it for this week. Join me next week for more polygamy, more freaks, and more douche-baggery.