Hey hey hey, kids. It’s time for another exciting hour of people more fucked up than we are! Probably. Except for you. Yeah you. You know who you are, ya fucking weirdo. For all the rest of us, let’s celebrate our normalcy by comparison. Hey TLC, I’ve got a great new station logo for you: “TLC: You’re normal by comparison.” You’re welcome.
See? Don’t you feel normal?
We open with Skinny Bitch opining about how long this courtship and engagement have been, and unless TLC is playing really fast and loose with the editing, then these people are actually worse than lesbians. They put lesbians to shame.
Yf3 is bitching about how Bro-dad spends every fourth night with the Skinny Bitch, and he shouldn’t because they’re not married yet. Skinny bitch disagrees, because she’s just been engaged for soooooo long. Fuck, what’s it been? Three, four weeks? These people are ridiculous. Alpha-Wife thinks Skinny Bitch needs to be married to Bro-Dad before she gets her rightful quarter of his time though.
You stay on your side of the couch, whore!
Seriously, ladies? You’re all totally fine with only getting one out of every four nights with your husband, just so long as he’s married to all four chicks he’s banging? Then again, I think more than once every four nights with Bro-dad might make all these wives realize what a loser he is, and they might up and leave him for a less douchy suitor.
I hear this guy’s available…
Skinny Bitch tells us it’s five weeks till the wedding, and they have all sorts of stuff to do. The hateful, bitter wives are gonna go shopping with her to help pick out flowers and cake and dresses and stuff. Skinny Bitch thinks it’ll be fun for them, but I think it falls somewhere in-between cruel and unusual.
The face of a woman about to have fun
Skinny Bitch wants all the sister wives to feel special at the wedding. Well then stop bogarting their husband, skank! Jesus! I try not to get too judgey or preachy, because as I’ve previously stated, I don’t think that love is wrong so long as all parties are consensual adults. I’m not saying polygamists are evil or that no polygamists are happy or anything like that. Actually, the first episode before we really got to see the new fiance enter the picture I was thinking this might be a semi-functional family unit with mostly happy members. This skinny bitch is clearly not sitting well with the chunky wives though, and Bro-dad clearly doesn’t give a shit. I mean, if you’re gonna be in a polygamist relationship and you’re bringing someone new into the family, shouldn’t everyone actually want her to join? If I were married to a chick and I brought home a puppy without asking I’d get shit about it for weeks. I sort of dislike Skinny Bitch, but most of my rage is directed at Bro-dad here. You’re making three women miserable so you can score a new piece of ass. You’re a douche-nozzle.
Urgh! You know what will make us feel better? Cake!
Maybe don’t set that plate quite so close to Sally Struthers…
The cake-tasting goes pretty well, with everyone appearing to enjoy themselves. Yep, nothing appeases chubby girls quite like cake. I’m not even chubby, but deep down inside I’m a fat kid and I would totally ignore some other bitch moving in on my family if someone set a plate full of cake in front of me.
What? You wanna fuck my girlfriend? Unless by girlfriend you mean this cake then I don’t give a shit.
Bro-dad almost ruins the cake by doing an impromptu dance that looks like every drunk white jock at every frat party ever, only with a receding hair-line and a purple button-down shirt. It’s nauseating.
The mating dance of the rare purple-breasted douche
They take a cake vote. Bro dad continues to behave like a frat-boy moron. He convinces the terrified little cake-shop employee to count his voice twice, and thus gets the strawberry cake he wanted. Skinny Bitch is kinda pissed that she doesn’t get her choice of cake for her own wedding, and I would feel worse for her if she weren’t knowingly entering into an unholy union with this over-grown man-child with entitlement issues and the dancing skills of an epileptic on ether.
Here’s your strawberry cake, now please leave before he starts dancing again
So now it’s off to pick a place for the reception. Bro-dad rolls up in his Lexus, lest we forget why anyone would even consider wanting to be married to him, and they all discuss the after-party. Sally Struthers says she hates receptions because they’re boring and there’s never enough food. She’s hoping for a less traditional reception location.
Maybe something like this?
Yf3 says she had a very small reception. Sally Struthers didn’t have a reception at all, because her friends and family didn’t approve of her plural marriage choice. That’s kinda fucked up. Yes, I’m making fun of these people for their life-choices, but that’s because they made the decision to put their lives on display for me to mock. If a friend or family member wanted to marry a giant tool-bag who already had three wives, and they wanted me at their wedding, then I would be there. I’d be the drunk guy, but I’m usually the drunk guy at any and all functions I attend.
TheMiki being The Drunk Guy at an 80′s party. Yes, that’s an NKOTB shirt I’m rockin.
Just in case no one’s thrown up in their mouth yet from watching Bro-dad’s “dancing,” Yf3 starts talking about pole dancing and looks like she’s going to give it a shot. Thankfully she doesn’t, but gross nonetheless.
Please god, no
Hey, it’s on to dress shopping! Someone please kill me now. I fucking hate shopping for clothes. I hate watching other girls shop for clothes. I especially hate watching them do it on my TV, as though it were interesting and worthy of being filmed. Alpha-Wife tries on a lime green atrocity, then a few boring crap numbers. Yf3 and Sally Struthers parade around in some dresses too, and I start to doze off and have to go refill my coffee. Trying on dresses. Yay.
Brings out the colors in… Um… Kermit the frog?
Quick side note: Why does Bro-dad always look like he’s been skiing in goggles?
Sup, bra? Just been out shreddin the gnar…
Oh good lord. Apparently TLC is trying like mad to prove my ‘Network of Freaks’ point from last week, cause look:
I can see Russia from my television…
Okay, so there’s entirely too much time (see: five minutes) devoted to Skinny Bitch picking out a dress, and then we’re onto some drama that TLC has been teasing us with all episode.
The bombshell is: Bro-dad picked the dress! He went to the shop with Skinny Bitch and picked it out. Umm… Lame. I thought he was gonna say he fucked her or something. Oh, but this is actually a drama bomb because Yf3 gets super pissed because Bro-dad didn’t even care what dress she picked out and gets up and takes off her mic and walks away for a while. Once she returns, Sally Struthers says she feels betrayed by the whole thing.
And she’s outta there
Yf3 says, “Every woman is insane. Every man is, in fact, an idiot.” Well said, hon. Props to you. Bro-dad says he should be less of a chump and more of a man. Um, wow. Welcome to revelation minute on the couch. Everyone sniffles a bit and talks about “Stepping it up” and being better spouses and forgiving each other, and on that note, we hit intermission. Time for credits, and more coffee, and maybe a cigarette.
Life ain’t easy when you’re sharing a Lexus husband
Aaaaand, we’re back! I hope you all took this time to stretch your legs and smoke your smokes and do whatever you had to do, cause there’s no more breaks till the end. Let’s get on with it, shall we.
So, it’s bachelor party time. Um… Dude, you’re not a bachelor. Bro-dad’s friends are bachelor’s though, and one of Sally Struther’s sons is in attendance, so there probably won’t be any lines of blow snorted off of a strippers ass. What a lame excuse for a bachelor party.
Oh yeah! Pull-ups! Who says Mormons don’t know how to party?
Skinny Bitch tells us that Bro-dad hates pepper. Yeah… That’s… interesting. Look how fascinated I am. No really, look. Fascinated.
Tell me again about the pepper
It looks like rain is rolling in, and somewhere in Canada Alanis Morisette is being confused by the meaning of ironic.
You’re an idiot
Oooh!… The invitations have the wrong address on them too. Baha. Sorry… I have no desire to get married ever, so I’m always amused when people have catastrophes on their wedding days.
Still not ironic
Oh hey, it’s time to go to the salon. Yay. Watching girls get their hair and make-up done is only slightly less entertaining than watching them try on dresses.
No really, thanks. I was getting low on Ambien…
Bro-dad is buying balloons so he can mark the wrong address that’s printed on the invites, at which there’s a jar full of directions to the right address. Ha! If I ever get married I’m doing that on purpose. You want free cake, bitches? Then you’re going on a treasure hunt for it!
If you can’t find the balloons, that means more cake for me
Skinny Bitch is getting all her kids ready and looking a wee bit frazzled. Apparently she sent the sister wives off to the salon, thinking she wouldn’t need any help. Yeah, no one said she was the smart wife. Just the skinny one.]
Sure, your kids are fighting, but look on the brightside: They’re all more mature than your groom
Back at the house, Alpha-Wife is helping Bro-dad get ready, and it’s just weird to watch. And not just because she’s tying a purple bow-tie on him.
If you didn’t have four wives that color would totally make you look gay
So the rain clouds appear to have cleared up, and the wives tell us that there were no cameras allowed at the ceremony because it’s a sacred religious ceremony. Yeah… No comment. You guys enjoy your “sacred” ceremony. I’ll just be here on my couch enjoying some sacred internet porn while eating a sacred brownie.
For the reception, Skinny Bitch changes into a dress that matches all the other sister wives so that they can all get some nice family photos together. Skinny Bitch’s daughter is having a melt-down and screaming and crying and making it tough to take photos. What a little shit! Not being stoked about her mommy marrying some dude she barely knows who already has three wives. Kids these days…
I’ll give you something ta… Oh no wait… I guess you’ve got plenty to cry about.
After the pictures Skinny Bitch changes back into her wedding dress for more photos and then it’s time to par-tay. Woot! I don’t think Mormons even drink, but there’s cake, so that’s something. The sister wives give Skinny Bitch the ring they picked out for her, and then the cake gets cut and fed to each other. Snooze…. This episode is lame.
Hurry up and cut the damn thing before Sally Struthers explodes
Sally Struthers talks about how her wedding was super small, Yf3 says the same, but Alpha-wife says her wedding was huge. Sally Struthers pipes up that she was there and they had cream puffs. How shocking that Sally Struthers remembers the food first and foremost.
Weddings are delicious
Now it’s time to hear about how this new addition to the family is a blessing and everyone’s so happy to have a new wife to call sister. I wonder if she’ll get to be in the opening credits now. Either way, Bro-dad says good-bye to the chunky wives and then heads off on his honeymoon with his shiny new toy wife.
And after I add wife number five I’m gonna try and find one that does anal
Yf3 says she’s looking forward to having a big house with everyone having their own separate quarters, so I guess the consolation prize for dividing up your idiot husband is that you get new digs. So not worth it.
So that’s it for this week, kids. Sorry that last half was so effin boring. Geeze! Okay, I get it… Weddings are a beautiful and magical tragic mistake, and we have to have a lot of soft music and shots of clouds and sunsets and stuff. There better be some drama next week though. I can only take so many slow pans of the dusk sky before I start to nod off at my keyboard.
So what say ye, readers? How are you feeling about this new group of freaks on your television? Do you think the whole entire relationship has just always been a clusterfuck of wrongness? Do you think Skinny Bitch made it worse? Are any of these wives aware of just how lame their husband is? Are any of them secretly lesbians who enter into these sorts of relationships because it cuts down on their “thinking of England” time by 75%?