Hey hey Gasmii, please forgive my tardiness. I got my Tivo hooked up on Wednesday and it’s taken this long for TLC to throw me a repeat of this week’s Sister Wives. And we all know TLC likes to make it impossible to watch their shows online (fuckers), so I’ve been at the mercy of the network asswipes. Also, I got a new doggie. His name is Chase. He and Stella are madly in love and it’s about the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. There will be pictures on the last page. I promise.
So, let’s jump right into the polygamy, shall we? Cause guess what? It’s Halloween in Utah, and that means it’s time for a lot of assholes passing out toothbrushes and pennies and bible tracts instead of real candy. I’m so glad I grew up in a town full of hippies. They gave out full-sized candy bars, and their houses smelled like Otto’s jacket.
Yeah, it was kinda like this…
Tonight there will be pumpkin carving and police investigations and doucheyness galore. Yipee! It’s the day before Halloween, and the brood is getting ready to go to (I shit you not) Heaven’s Family’s Pumpkin Patch.
That’s how I’d look if he were standing that close to me
The older kids and douche-dad are snipping back and forth a little, so Douche decides to make peace by letting the child I believe belongs to Alpha-Wife drive his car. Maybe that’s why they keep the Lexus? For bribery?
If you scratch it you’re out of the family
So before the pumpkin patch everyone is hanging out eating pizza at the park. We find out that it’s been five months since the wedding to Skinny Bitch, just in case any of you Gasmii are wondering what the spacing between the seasons was. I know I was somewhat curious.
Why did we get 35 pizza for 25 people?
All the kids (and adults) talk shit about how Skinny Bitch’s kids cry over everything. Especially her youngest daughter Breanna, who starts crying on the couch over absolutely nothing right before our eyes. I wonder how much crying will occur when she sees her whole family shit-talking her on television.
Not too shabby, but Stella does better sad face in her sleep
Hey, and it’s time to get pumpkins. The pumpkin patch has a maze made of hay bales,
Which way to get the fuck out of Utah?
along with some bunnies and stuff to entertain the chitlins.
The most white-trashy display of white-trashiness I’ve ever seen is also on display. A trampoline covered with hay.
Just add a cold Coors Light and you’re ready for the trailer park.
I guess these things pass for entertainment in Utah. One of the fatty kids is incapable of lifting his own pumpkin,
and the older kids are incapable of doing basic math to figure out how many pumpkins they bought.
Which way to the Top Chef auditions?
The brood hauls their pumpkin load up to the front, while Douche-dad tries to tell Alpha-Wife that she’s not strong enough to get her wheelbarrow there by herself. She proves him wrong, because you don’t get the Alpha title just for being chronologically first, and I wish someone would throw a pumpkin really hard at his big stupid douchey head.
Any of those will do
Also, there’s a new super exciting show on TLC that I’m super bummed I won’t be getting the chance to recap…
Seriously? SERIOUSLY??? I make cupcakes all the time. Where the fuck is my TV show?
Okay, and we’re back. Yf3 tells us that Halloween is her favorite holiday, and can I just say that I’m stoked (for the kids) that the parentals don’t take their fundamentalism to the “Halloween is Satan’s Day” level. Halloween is fucking awesome. Especially when you’re little. The parents that deny their kids this most epic of childhood holidays are dicks. Period.
Can you feel the evil influence of the devil?
Okay everyone, guess what Bro-Dad is dressing up as. No really. Here, I’ll give you a hint.
A couple of the kids don’t know who Sammy Hagar is, which upsets Bro-dad, but amuses the hell outta me. The four wives are going as the four elements, and they’re a little disappointed that Bro-dad wouldn’t dress up as the Avatar. For those of you that get your pop-culture references solely from cinema, this has nothing to do with that crap-ass blue people looking for Unobtainium pile of rubbish that James Cameron vomited up. Yes, there was an Avatar movie made about the Avatar the sister wives are speaking of, but it was called The Last Airbender, was directed by M. Night (what a twist) Shamalan, and is best not spoken of. Before it was a terrible movie though, it was a pretty awesome cartoon. I assume that since there are a large number of chitlins in this family that the wives have seen the cartoon. This scores them points with me.
This would be the Avatar that doesn’t suck balls
Skinny Bitch actually manages to score a couple points with me too by pointing out that the Avatar controls all the elements and Douche-boy doesn’t control them, so it’s better that he’s going as an aging butt-rock superstar. You go, Skinny Bitch. One of the little boys calls them nerds, and concur, but in the best possible way. Nerd for the win!
Keep it up. I’m starting to not hate you
Out on the front lawn the kids are all gathered and carving pumpkins. While they’re out carving pumpkins a cop shows up. Alpha-wife tells us that someone butt-dialed 911, but this starts a small panic about the whole legal issues thing of having four wives. It’s short-lived though, and then we’re back to pumpkin carving. Also, who the fuck keeps their cell phone in their back pocket?
These parents are ballsy as hell for letting a bunch of little ones have knives at the same time. Props to everyone who doesn’t cover their kids in bubble wrap and make them use plastic safety scissors. Sure, your kids might cut off a finger, but they can so re-attach that at the emergency room. You know what they can’t re-attach? The ability to make decisions and not be terrified of the entire world around you.
Bro-dad is getting his hair curled because he’s decided to be the sun. Or possibly ‘Man” because man is powerless against the elements.
Why the fudge can’t I be Sammy Hagar?
Alpha-wife is building a barricade for the first front door so that Trick-or-Treaters know which front door to go to. That is a bit confusing, so thank god they have a billion pumpkins carved.
Throw one at your dad’s head, dammit!
The kids parade around in their costumes, which run the gamut from angel to mob boss to “I don’t know, I have a mask and wore a sweater and gloves.”
Paedon is the Spirit of Apathy
Awwww… The weepy one is adorable
Skinny Bitch says it was super fun doing make-up on each other with all the other wives. She says she really enjoyed getting in everyone’s personal space. Okay… **coughlesbiancough**
I’m holding onto this moment for when the douche sneaks into my room later
Dad says he feels like a clown. Alpha wife says he looks like one. I concur. A scary scary clown. I’m gonna have nightmares about that for weeks.
And now so will you
None of the kids can figure out which element which sister wife was. I guess Air and Water looked a lot alike or something.
The kids run around begging for candy, and Bro-dad makes a huge deal out of how great it is that it doesn’t matter if your costume is perfect because no one will reject you or tell you you’re not good enough. They all give you candy. I think this tells us a lot about what it’s like to be part of a religion that asks you to be perfect if you wanna go to heaven, personally. Your kids should never get rejected for not being perfect, and I don’t care what day of the year it is.
Rosie o Donnel?
Anyway, the kids have fun and it looks like a nice, normal, family Halloween. Even though I hate the crap out of Bro-dad, the kids do seem remarkably healthy and happy and well-adjusted. The Wives tell us that the families are all perfectly well meshed now and they’re just one big family. Really? How come you live down the block then, Skinny???
Hells yeah! Piles of candy!
And with that, this episode of Sister Wives draws to a close. This show? Kinda dull. Gotta say, I’ve recapped more exciting reality shows. Then again, this one is usually only a half-hour, and I get to use all those easy jokes about Utah, so it does appeal to my laziness.
Okay, and as promised, doggy porn!!!
This is Chase
Chase with Stella
And of course, your weekly Stella porn
Okay kids. Since TLC made me wait a whole week to catch a repeat, I now have to take a quick break before this week’s episode starts and I have to recap all over again. Stay classy, bitches.