Sister Wives: I don’t want to see your colon

Hey hey, fans of televised polygamy.  Welcome back for another exciting week of Sister Wives.  This week, there’s a party and a cancer screening.  Two things that go together like peanut butter and jelly.

This sounds like a job for… Douche Man!

So it’s winter time in Utah, and our buddies The Browns are inviting a bunch of their non poly friends over for dinner for the first time.  Douche-dad tells us that they’ve never had friends over before because of the secrecy in regards to their home life, but now that it’s out in the open they’re gonna have a party.  I guess it’s like those coming out parties the gays used to have.  Do gays still have those?  Maybe they do and me and all my friends are just nowhere near fabulous enough to have had one.

How do I keep missing all these opportunities for rainbow cake?

Before party time Douche-dad is taking the Alpha-Wife in for a cancer screening.  Her sister died of colon cancer at 32, and left behind four chitlins, the youngest of which was four-years-old.  Alpha Wife explains that her sister was also a sister wife, and that the other wife has taken care of her kids since her death.  See?  How is this such a bad thing?  My only beef with the plural marriage thing is the gender inequality. Until there are brother husbands it remains a sexist tool of the patriarchy and a way to keep your poon-tang on constant rotation.  But either way, I really think our law enforcement officials should have better things to do.

Oh please, coppers, get these dangerous criminals off the streets

Skinny Bitch tells us there’s an unspoken rule that any sister wife would take the others’ kids if something were to happen to them.  Skinny Bitch says it’d be complicated if something happened to her because her children have a different biological father. Yf3 says she would fight for them if that happened, but I can’t imagine a court of law signing over custody to a non-biological sister wife over a father.  Unless their father is all sorts of fucked up.  We never really hear much about the dude, so it’s hard to say.

This baby is so damn cute! Seriously.

Back at the hospital, Alpha-Wife expresses her concern over her high risk of having cancer.  She’s in for a consult, and it’s about as interesting as you would expect it to be.

“Name Please?”  “Um… Yes, we’re the Browns. The couple with the full camera crew. We have a 6:00.”

We get to listen to a woman be asked questions about her bowel movements and told she needs a tiny camera shoved up her butt.  Now I’m supportive of the media showing how important cancer screenings are and all, but we do not need full video playback of the doctor’s consult.  Seriously. I get bored to tears talking about my own bowel movements.  Unless hers are purple and smell like fresh baked cookies I think it’s safe to gloss over this part.

Also, their doctor creeps me the fuck out

Back at home, it’s time to get planning for the dinner party with the Norm-ies.  And it’s time for me to pause this shit and go make a cup of coffee.  I have noticed that my coffee intake increases while recapping this show, and I figured that was just because this show is dreadfully boring.  But then I realized that there’s a part of me that realizes that Mormons aren’t allowed to drink coffee, and it makes me sad. Really sad.  So I feel the need to have a cup for them in a sort of strange tribute to their missing out on one of the greatest things about life.  They also miss out on hot naked sex, but since no one else is at my house at the moment I don’t get to pay tribute to them for that.  So I drink coffee.  I guess I could also go masturbate, since they’re not allowed to do that either, but listening to middle-aged women talk about their bowel movements doesn’t exactly put me in the mood for self-lovin’.  Anyway, rambles aside, I raise my glass of warm delicious nectar from the java gods and toast those of you who think God doesn’t want you enjoying this. I respect your religious beliefs, but if God hates coffee I don’t want in to Heaven.  We could never see eye-to-eye, and what’s the point of eternal life if I can never have another cup of joe?

Diet Coke in heaven?  No thank you.

Douche-dad says the dinner party is a way to thank their friends that stuck with them despite their social outcast status.  Good for them.  It sucks that you have to thank people for not judging you based on harmless personal choices that make you happy, but it’s a nice thing to do.  The wives talk about keeping everyone at a distance because their lifestyle choice was frowned upon by the law.  Sally Struthers says that once someone knows you’re a polygamist that’s all they ever see when they look at you.  To be fair, when I look at her I see Sally Struthers.  The fact that she makes her living as the owner of a food storage company does nothing to help my “Feed the children” prejudices.

Yep, Sally Struthers

Oh hey, and fun fact.  I know that The Browns aren’t technically Mormons, but follow an offshoot of the Fundamentalist Mormon church, but they do live in Utah, so this is totally valid.  The LDS church requires its members to keep a year’s supply of food on hand for the end times, along with a 72 hour kit in their car, which should be with them at all times.  Now I’ve heard varying stories about the level of enforcement the church exerts over its participants, and while the local Mormons I know seem to live fairly unregimented lives (that is, the church isn’t constantly checking up on them), every Mormon I know that’s ever even been to Provo or Salt Lake says it’s like a police state if you’re part of the church.  I can’t speak for the validity of their claims personally, but I had a close friend who is very devout in her following of the LDS church tell me she would never set foot in Utah again unless it was absolutely necessary.  Point being, in a state where 60% of the population is part of the church, and where most of those 60% are probably pretty on top of their church ordered food storage, Sally Struthers has got to be raking in the dough.

Oh yah, well ya know when Jesus comes back and rains down fire upon the sinners we don’t wanna run out of Spam.

Okay, back to the show.  We get to hear about how hard it was for their kids being discriminated against and bullied.  They seem to all be doing okay now though.  Douche-dad is on the speaker phone with Skinny Bitch, Alpha-Wife, and Yf3 and as he hangs up he says “I love you.”  The next 30 seconds are so ridiculous that I feel the need to transcribe them for you:

DD: “I love you”
SB: “I love you too”
<<phone hangs up>>
SB: “Did you guys all say I love you?”
AW & Y3: “Love you.”
SB: **in extremely snotty tone**”Thank you. Gosh.”
SB: **to camera** “He said I love you and then I said I love you and they didn’t say it.”
AW: “I didn’t hear him say it”
SB: **to camera** “And I said you’ve gotta say I love you cause he just said I love you and I’m sure it was a group I love you.”
AW: “I just didn’t hear it”

I win! I’m the best wife!!!

I have no words.  Except, ouch, my brain.

We get some sister wives telling us how awesome it is to be a sister wife and how it’s a big girl party and none of them are oppressed in any way.  They say that anyone who looks at their situation with an open mind will see how great and fun it is.  Hey ladies, I’m all for it.  If I had to marry a dude I’d rather he had other wives too.  Then again, I’m a lesbian, so my motives would be much much different.

Wholesome Utah fun

So it’s the next day and it’s super early in the morning and Douce-dad is taking Alpha-Wife in for her colonoscopy.  TLC, I implore you, we don’t need to see this.  Please don’t bring the cameras into the procedure room.

Damn you, TLC

Alpha-Wife tells us all her siblings have had colon polyps on their screenings, so she’s concerned.  But polyps are not cancer, and if she has any they will be removed and sent away for biopsy. The doctors wheel the Alpha Wife away and of course the cameras follow her into the endoscopy room so that we can all see inside her butt.  Thanks, TLC.

Hey, could you switch over the the game real quick? I wanna check the score

Also, how do you belong to a religion where it’s considered incedecnt to show your shoulders, but then not have a problem with us seeing inside your butt?  Anyway, they found two small polyps, removed them, and sent them to the lab.

If I have to see it then so do you

Alpha-Wife says that it’ll be a few days before they get the results back, and the dinner party is helping to take her mind off it.  Douche-dad is shoveling the walk and chastising Yf3, who was supposed to make one of the kids do that.

Why do we even HAVE 16 kids if I have to shovel my own driveway?

Over at the big family house the family is prepping food and Skinny Bitch is lamenting on how lonely it is living in a separate house.  Yf3 is making ambrosia, which serves as a subtle reminder of why I don’t attend dinner parties very often.  At what point in your adulthood do you become so boring that things like ambrosia and Jell-o molds become acceptable dishes?

Best. Jell-o mold. Ever.

Skinny Bitch says that even though she’s very close with the other sister wives she still gets jealous sometimes.  Bitch, shut-up!  Dude had three wives when you married him. You get zero pity for having to deal with him having three other wives.

Seriously, though?  You’re jealous over THIS GUY???

The guests are arriving, and we’re getting narration from everyone about how great it feels not to hide who they are.  Douche-dad mangles a bible quote about hiding your fire under a bushel instead of using it to light a candle stick.  Yeah, um… I got dragged to all sorts of religious crap when I was kid.  I’ve read the bible, and that’s so not how that verse goes.  What’s the church’s official stance on paraphrasing god?

Candle not under a bushel. Check.

One of Sally Struthers’ friends is talking, and he is clearly very gay.  Someone posted that one of their gay friends was in an episode this season and I’m wondering if this is him.  Anyway, This answers my burning question of whether living a life outside of societal norms makes people more open to others who are deemed outcasts.  Maybe not in all situations, but I’m glad to see that this family is clearly open minded and tolerant.  So thanks, sister wives (and even you douche-dad) for being a shining example to the rest of your community.

The adorable gay boy in question

Anyway, there’s bonding and sharing and all their friends seem like totally nice and diverse people.  Aside from the crappy food, it looks like a totally fun dinner party.

Is Jesus doing the YMCA on the shelf behind him there?

So cut to the next morning, and it’s time to go get the results of Alpha-Wife’s cancer screening. Doctor dude comes in in a pink shirt/pink tie combo to deliver the good news that the polyps were non-cancerous.

I’m sorry, I was laughing at your clothes

He tells them that the polyp could have become cancerous, but they got it all and she’s in good shape.  He recommends that she come in three years down the road for another screening, and sends the happy couple on their way.  We get the typical teary-eyed “I appreciate you cause I thought you might die” crap that all couples do after a scare, and with that the credits are a rollin.

Creepy serial killer staring means, “I appreciate you.”

So my Tivo caught most of the preview for next week’s episode, but cut off half-way through them saying, “The emotional final episodes start Sunday, May…”  So that’s all I got, but it leads me to believe that there won’t be a new episode next week, since it’ll still be April and all.  So I’ll keep an eye on the schedule.  There might even be a two week break, but I can’t find a schedule online.  Check out this awesome sauce I did find while trying to find it though.  This is from the comments section on the TLC site.

Ethel Schmidlkofer I cannot believe that you are paying this people and glorifying an illeagal way of life! I will not watch this trash, and think you should be ashamed to present it as family fare.

Lucretia Landrum you go, girl……. I’ll stick my “Amen” to that…I agree with you. yet another sign we are in the last day when “evil” shall abound more & more. I don’t watch sit coms for that reason. Just give me “Little House on the Pararie”(sp?) Touched by an Angel and reruns from the 60′s I like Lawarence Welk & Bill Gaither best

Sandy Burton Rosenbalm No this is AGAINST the law in both ways: Gods & land laws. I cant see where any woman wants to share her man, its hard enough to know that some men do cheat and run around on their wife. Who does it hurt? It hurts the children! I’m sure the children get so much bulling over this matter. Its illegeal and agaist what our LAND and GOD stands for. As for another woman comment I have to agree with her: WHY are the people paying the Brown family for this trash. What’s happened to the shows that families can sit down and watch together? Give me Touched by an Angel, little house, Mr. Ed.
***TheMiki’s note on this one:  If you’re so concerned about kids being bullied then you shouldn’t let them be Mormons. Those kids get picked on all the time. And it‘s asshole parents like you that encourage that bullying. Next time you want to get all high-and-mighty about how other people raise their kids because of all the teen suicides, maybe you should find out how many of those suicides were partially caused by your bible waving kids calling them fags.  Also, why are religious nuts such terrible spellers?  And why the obsession with Little House and Touched by an Angel?  Is this all these people ever watch?***

Okay kids, I’ll see you again whenever this show airs a new episode.  Maybe if it is a two week break then Flipit can find someone who needs a guest-capper to cover for them so I don’t get too bored.  And don’t think I forgot your puppy porn.

This is why we can’t have nice things

Out of things to destroy on the ground… Maybe if I look higher…