Hey hey kids. We’re back, and TLC has taken pity on me and made this weeks episode half as long as I’m used to. This pleases me.
This is how I feel ten minutes in to each episode
This week on Sister Doormats, we take a look at the finances inside the Brown home and hear Skinny Bitch complain that no one values her even though she doesn’t work. Speaking of finances, wtf is Douchebag doing with a two-seater sports car? For serious? You have 57 kids. I know I’ve mentioned it before, but it’s ridiculous. You should drive a mini-van. Or a school-bus.
Practical, yet utterly ridiculous. And not practical.
This week D-bag and Sally Struthers are taking some alone time to reconnect. They’re going to some national park for an evening, and at home they’re bickering over sleeping bags. Sally Struthers wants to bring their old broken sleeping bags that don’t zip. D-bag wants to buy new ones so that they can zip them together. I have a sneaking suspicion that those zippers may have been broken on purpose so that the nakey times could be avoided during camping trips.
I’m onto you, lady.
D-bag says that the finances at home work like a commune and it’s almost socialism. I don’t think that an ideal socialist society would involve one person driving a car worth more than everyone else’s cars put together, but what do I know? Skinny Bitch says that she feels bad for disrupting all their lives, so she’s trying to do an extra amount of work at home to make it seem more worth it. Alpha Wife tells us that Sally Struthers and Douche-bag make the vast majority of the money, Yf3 and Skinny stay home, and Alpha makes less money but still pays some bills.
I’m totally useful, guys.
Hey, you know what makes tons of sense? Shoving all your camping gear into a trunk that’s roughly the size of a breadbox so that you can drive your overpriced, impractical midlife-crisis-mobile to a national park. Weren’t we just trying to figure out how to afford to fix the Land Rover-ish car last week? Cause I bet selling that fucking sexy car and buying a nice sedan would net more than 5k. I’m just sayin… D-bag bitches about bringing a quilt, and holy crap let’s run him over and collect the insurance money.
What’s the point of having a pimp car if you can’t fit a dead hooker in the trunk?
One of the 83 chitlins is pogo sticking and falls down, and it amuses me because people falling down is funny, dammit.
Aaand, it’s camping time. The denial-mobile backs into a parking spot at some crappy Utah based national park.
Utah: Sure, it looks pretty, but at the end of the day you’re still in Utah.
Yf3, is shopping, Skinny bitch is corralling the kids, and Alpha Wife tells us that not having to pay for daycare saves enough money to make up for the two wives that don’t have jobs. We learn some fascinating crap about buying in bulk, which I’d pay more attention to if I hadn’t already watched an entire episode of the 19 Kids and Breeding show on the same topic. Yes yes, we buy giant bags of flour. Ooooh! Neat.
School, shopping, polygamy. Just another normal day.
Sally Struthers tells us she was worried about adding Skinny Bitch and her kiddos to the budget, but they’re making it work and Yf3 is spending less time pulling her hair out in clumps and rocking back and forth while muttering, so that’s a bonus. Skinny Bitch is looking for work, but hasn’t found a job yet. Oh… Yeah… I’ve had girlfriends that were “Looking for work” before. That generally translates to, “Looking for a free ride under the guise of trying.” I bet she’s always sick when they find her a job interview too. Or maybe that’s just the heinous girls I date…
You’re not my real mom! … Are you? I can’t even remember anymore…
Back at Arches National Park, we get to watch a lovely couple assemble a tent. Not very well either. Why does putting a tent together always look so hard on TV? I’m not mechanically inclined and I’ve put together tents with no instructions in massive windstorms while high on mushrooms and absinthe in less than ten minutes (it’s called Burning Man, people)
Maybe it’s harder sober…?
Sally Struthers tells us that they have a great relationship. Bro-dad says that he has compartmentalized his relationships so that he has one group relationship with all the wives, but then individual relationships with each wife as well. Sally Struthers says that when they’re alone together she’s the center of his universe and that’s all that matters to her. There’s an easy joke here about planets having their own gravitational pull, but I’m gonna take the high road and skip over it.
More hot dogs! Increase your gravitational pull!
Back at home, Alpha Wife likes being able to work. Sally Struthers loves working and says she could never stay at home. Does anyone know what she does for a living? They haven’t mentioned it I don’t think, and I’m too lazy to Google. One of you, loyal readers, do my bidding! And by bidding I mean googling, of course.
Hey, previews for Source Code. This movie looks like a sack of shit. I hate when people in movies fall in love in the span of 8 minutes. In real life that’s called an unhealthy attachment issue. Just find the bomber and get back to making good movies already.
I love you, woman I just met
Also, did anyone else know that Cymbalta causes yellowing of the skin and eyes? Cause if you’re already depressed there’s nothing like shutting down your liver and making you jaundiced to turn that frown upside down.
Cymbalta: Are you blue? We can make you yellow!
It’s morning at the campgrounds. Bro-dad is getting handsy and telling us a fascinating story about how Sally Struthers doesn’t like PDA, but he does so they had to learn how to be affectionate together in public. I like how the underlying tone for most of their stories is that Bro-dad liked things one way and the wife liked things a totally different way so they met in the middle and started doing things Bro-dad’s way. That’s not compromise. That’s giving up.
How many wives will it take before you stop touching me???
As a minor concession, Bro-Dad admits that he was wrong about the quilt and that it was cold and he was glad they had it. Yay.
I also may have been wrong about the whole god telling me to marry all of you thing…
They go for a walk to look at rocks. I’ll admit the landscape is gorgeous and all, but I do worry about any state whose main tourism pull is rocks. Fucking rocks. But maybe that’s because I live in Nevada and people come hear for gambling, 24 hour bars, legalized prostitution, and shooting giant guns.
Utah: Come for the rocks, stay for the oppressive religious majority
Nevada: Hey! It’s legal here!
And with that we draw to a close on yet another fascinating romp through the lives of people that make us feel normal. Since you only got half an episode, I’m giving you double the Stella. Cause I care.
Fair warning, I have an insane week coming up, so next week’s cappage may be slightly delayed. Or it may not. But it probably will. Stay classy kids.