Greetings Gasmii, I know I know, my ass is lagging on the cappage. I do have a totally valid excuse though. See, Themiki has some thyroid issues. Mainly that my thyroid runs on hyper-drive at all times, to the point that it’s not very good for my heart or liver. So my doctor keeps giving me these pills to slow my thyroid down, and my body keeps not tolerating them very well, leading to days of missing work and not being able to get out of bed while my brain screams at me and causes me horrible icky pain. This has been a nasty week for the thyroid meds, and tonight is my first night out of bed since Monday. I’m still a wee bit loopy, but I’m not in pain anymore, so let’s get this cappage a happenin’! Bring on the polygs!
Oh good, we’re in for a crying episode
We open on some somber ass shit, mostly shots of Brodad making sadface while we see short little clips from season one. Brodad, who apparently just got out of the shower, tells us that the family is moving to Nevada and it’s time to tell the younger kids about the decision.
Just got outta the shower, bro. This is my sad face
Brodad gathers the brood to tell everyone that they’re moving to Vegas to keep the family together, and the brood takes it decently well until he tells them that they’re moving in three days. And then the tears start-a-flowin.
But they already did Top Chef Las Vegas
Brodad tells the chitlins that they can’t tell any of their friends. Well that’s pretty shitty. Alpha Wife’s daughter Mariah is extra worried because she hated public school and went to private church school, which won’t be an option in Vegas. Yeah, pretty sure there are no polyg schools in Nevada. She’s made a list of reasons why she needs to finish out the school year in Utah, but Brodad says that no matter how valid her reasons are, the most important thing is keeping the family together, and that they’re all moving together regardless.
Happy teenage happiness
Brodad starts throwing his Leader role around and saying that God wants him to keep the family together and he’ll have to answer to God for what happens to her and that he has a responsibility to God to keep her under his roof until she’s married. Wow, that was a lot of God in one speech. Also, until she’s married??? Is that a fundamentalist thing? Is it normal in that culture to live with your parents until you’re married? Cause I wouldn’t want my kids getting married until at least their mid-twenties, and there’s no way in shit they’d be living with me that long. Yikes.
When they start making this face they’re outta the house
Over at Skinny Bitch’s house everyone’s packing up their stuff. It’s Saturday and they’re supposed to leave Monday morning. Oh, and it’s Chunk’s birthday on Sunday, so I’m sure that’ll be a super happy birthday.
I hope you asked for some insulin, Chunk
Alpha Wife tells us that they still don’t know where they’re gonna be living once they get to Vegas. Skinny Bitch says she’s been angry with God for not fixing this. She says she always pays for thinking things like that and that God always humbles her. Sure, God is humbling you. Or God has nothing to do with any of this and you’re just in a shitty situation.
God’s busy dealing with this. You’ll have to deal with your move on your own.
Skinny says she just finished unpacking and she doesn’t want to move again. And she cries a lot. Brodad packs up his collection of purple shirts while trying to keep the kids from fighting.
I can only pack my ten most important purple shirts…
Over at the big house, everyone is packing their stuff. The older kids are all being sorta passive aggressive teenagers and moping, but they’re packing so whatever. The kids express some anger over the law coming after their family, and once again, I get it. Who cares if they have a strange family unit. No one’s being abused or held against their will.
Watch out!!! This one’s got a crayon!
Alpha Wife finds some old obituaries from when her sister died and decides to use them to pack up the fragile stuff. This brings up some grief and there are tears about how she knows her sister would be right there helping if she were still alive. Yeah, I’m a snarky bitch and all, but even I won’t make fun of someone bereaving the loss of a sibling. Let’s just move on.
We’re back at Skinny Bitch’s house, and Brodad has found a temporary place to stay. It’s a big house that they can rent for a month, but they can’t move in till Tuesday, which means they have to delay the move for one extra day.
Chunk! Back off the soda!
Brodad tells us he’s always thought that cops were the coolest guys around. I think that anyone who is over the age of nine and still thinks that cops are the coolest probably has some manchild issues that need to be dealt with. But we already know this about Brodad, so let’s once again move on.
I also really like cowboys
Yf3 is nervous to delay the move because there have been cops all over the place and it’s making everyone paranoid. One of her little ones was freaking out because a sheriff had been driving up and down their street all day. This worries me. How many cop cars does Utah have? Are they really so bored that they can drive up and down the street all day just to freak out a family of polygs? How many car stereos got jacked while this important surveillance was taking place?
10-4, I’ve got a 20 on three kids walking
Brodad is excited to get the family into the new house, and they’re trying to celebrate Chunk’s birthday while frantically packing and hiding from the fuzz. Brodad gives Chunk $20 to add to his birthday fun, which puts Chunk at around $85 so far. Skinny Bitch (his mom) tells him he could buy some cool stuff for his new room. Chunk says he’s getting an Xbox, Skinny Bitch suggests maybe a dresser. Are you shitting me, Skinny Bitch? No one under the age of 20 chooses a dresser over an Xbox when they have cash to blow. Maybe you should get your skinny ass a job and buy your kids furniture like you’re supposed to. Lazy ho.
Doesn’t a dresser sound like fun?
Back over at the big house, the Alpha Daughter is being a total shit. Not that she doesn’t have cause, mind you. She’s very involved in her local church and very hesitant to go to a regular high school and I guess her life is getting fucked up more than most of the other kids. I doubt there’s a big FLDS community in Vegas and I would be surprised if she’s able to find a church to attend at all.
Aaaaaand, you’ll be miserable like every other 16-year-old on the planet
The parents are trying to figure out how much they can take to Vegas on their first haul. Sally Struthers doesn’t want to rent a big U-Haul because she doesn’t want to draw attention from the po-po. Brodad says that he’s going to need another trailer or a big truck in order to get everything out, but Sally Struthers thinks it’ll be too obvious that they’re moving and the cops might pounce if they see that.
And this one back here will roll over on us in a heartbeat
Brodad says they’re getting a trailer and leaving Tuesday and that’s that. The Sister Wives all think they should leave on Monday because they’re freaking out about the cops. Brodad makes the valid point that if the cops want to stop them they’ve got 300 miles to do it before they get to Nevada, and there’s no point in getting everyone down there until they have a place to stay.
Over at Skinny Bitch’s house they’re having a birthday party for Chunk. I’m sure it’s not the greatest party ever, but it’s nice that they put forth the effort through everything else that’s going on. Further proof that this family is more functional than most of the legally sanctioned two-parent households I’ve seen.
But maybe Chunk doesn’t need cake…
So moving right along, it’s Monday morning, and somehow the press has gotten wind of the big move. TMZ has reporters camped out around the house, and that makes the family want to get packed and on the road as quickly as possible. There’s a speed-pack going on, so the family is leaving behind a ton of stuff. Brodad says they have plenty of family nearby to keep an eye on it, but since Skinny Bitch lives in a rental they have to get everything out of her place.
Can’t leave behind my dried roses… Those are essentials
Skinny Bitch opines over some wedding souvenirs and talks about how this isn’t the America she learned about in school. Really? Cause this is very much like the America I learned about in school.
Yep, sounds about right
The family gets the trailer packed up to the sound of incoming police sirens. Brodad decides to have a group prayer and then just hit the road and drive until, “Our navels are scratching our backbones.” I have no friggin clue what that means. The family huddles up for a prayer and then we get a moving montage set to “Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam.” Classy, TLC.
Faux-hawk boy ain’t really feelin’ the prayer
Yf3 says that the whole reason they did the show was to spread awareness so that their kids wouldn’t have to live in fear, but now their kids were living in constant fear and having to run from the law to keep their family together. Yep. It sucks. Welcome to America, kids.
The wives all talk about how they really hoped that things had changed and they would be more accepted. Yf3 mentions that they are more accepted and that people have changed, but since the laws haven’t changed they still have to live in fear. That’s exactly what it feels like being gay in this day and age. I couldn’t possibly empathize more. No matter how much you look around and see acceptance growing and people being more and more decent, the law still stubbornly refuses to acknowledge that you’re deserving of the same rights as everyone else.
Even if Jesus does want you for a sunbeam
So it’s Monday night and the family caravan is hitting the road on the way to Vegas. But hey, 11 miles in to the trip and Brodad’s midlifecrisismobile gets a flat tire. It’s MLKJ Day, so a lot of tire places are closed, but Brodad is off to find a new tire. The only place they can find doesn’t have the right sized tire, but they have one that’s close so Brodad buys a new set. Finally back on the road again, less than a mile later Yf3 gets a flat in the van.
It’s almost like TLC sabotaged our caravan for the sake of drama or something
Brodad calls everyone and tells them to pull over and wait. The only tire place around just closed, so Brodad tries to put the full sized spare from Sally Struthers’ van on Yf3′s. Bad idea. It doesn’t fit right and the lugnuts break off. Finally Brodad decides that rather than go back home they’re gonna get a hotel at the next exit and fix the tire in the morning.
She doesn’t see us. Drive! Drive!
This is where super religious people start to mess with my logic centers. See, all these problems are going to be called challenges later. They’ll pray and thank god for getting them to Vegas eventually and for providing them with a nearby hotel and tire place they could go to in the morning. Meanwhile ignoring the fact that if God were really all that interested in meddling in their affairs that maybe he wouldn’t have kept popping their tires just to be an enormous dick. Now, I’m not saying God had anything to do with them getting a flat. Just that I hate the weird thanking God for everything even slightly good but blaming yourself or considering it a hidden blessing whenever something bad happens. God has the best PR rep in the universe. It’s ridiculous. I want to be thanked every time something good or bad or neutral happens. Lucky fucking diety.
Anyway, it’s the next morning and all the tires have been replaced and they’re on the way to Vegas. After about 200 miles they get another flat tire and pull over to fix it. A patrol car pulls up , but he’s just checking to make sure that they have the flat tire under control. After a relatively uneventful tire change they hit the road again and make it to the Nevada state line.
Let’s find some excuse to thank jeebus for this flat tire
Alpha Wife says she saw the lights and realized that this was home now. Brodad goes all epic and starts comparing Vegas to Plymouth Rock because they’re journeying there to find religious freedom. I think that’s a bit of a stretch, but sure, I’ll roll with it.
The family makes it to their 30 day rental home and get settled in and sign the papers with the real estate agent. Brodad says that god told him he had his back. The teenagers all mope and say that they hate Vegas and want to go home, and we get another rousing go through of “Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam.” And on that super cheery note we wave goodbye to the Browns for another week.
Looks like TLC is taking yet another week off, so I will see you kids the week after this for what I think might be the season finale (?) And starting next week I’ll be running the cappage on Platinum Hit as well, so check out that potential trainwreck with me if you’d like.
And now, puppy porn: