Sister Wives Recap Double-Header!

Greetings Gasmii! Thanks for joining me once again to talk about those wild and crazy Sister Wives! I was elated by all of your comments on the recap of the first episode. I’m excited at the prospect of joining you guys online on a weekly basis to discuss the Mormon church, the Brown family, and why layering summer tops over long sleeve shirts is a no-no.

My two-cents / Mormon story: One of my best friends in high school was Mormon and she used to bring all of her non-Mormon friends with her to the dances because she didn’t want to go alone. After the third dance we attended, the church circulated a memo with a long list of new rules for the dances including no clothing that reveals the midriff, no dancing that looks like fornicating, and no more rap music. LadyBaldy and friends, ruining church dances for everyone else! We stopped going after that; I saw the memo and was like “have fun jumping up and down to Green Day in your overalls, SUCKAS!” I also stopped going because no boys would talk to me once they realized I didn’t have a CTR* Ring. For the uninitiated, CTR = Choose the Right (to not have sex, that is – no virginity, no ring.)

If Jeebus doesn’t condone this, why did he inspire Ginuwine to write “Pony”???

We’re going to go over TWO episodes in this recap to catch up! Much like Kody, we have a lot of ground to cover in one day so go get your favorite beverage and settle in. You should probably go to the bathroom before we go any further. I’m not pulling this recap over once we get rolling.

So last week, I gave you the low down on the Brown family’s new life in Vegas and drew attention to Robin’s cold sore. Well GUESS WHAT – shortly after I submitted the recap, I got both a COLD SORE and a SINUS INFECTION! The Bible is REAL, YO! I don’t really know what I mean by that, but you have to admit, it’s pretty creepy.

The second episode of the season is called TEEN SEX TALK!!!! The Brown Teen Council wants to hang out with both guys and girls in a public place, and so Mom3 and Dad decide that it’s time to discuss sexual boundaries! Their children find this to be as horrifying and creepy as you felt the minute your read that statement. If you didn’t feel anything, look at this picture and imagine this guy talking to you about sex:

Free Birth Control

I gave it some serious thought, and I realized that I have discovered who Kody’s fashion mentor is:

Sorry Kody, but you’re no Swayze

In addition to awkward discussions about dating, we get to see the full emotional spectrum of Downtown Kody Brown. Seriously, if there was an Emmy for Most Dramatic Performance on a Reality Show – Male, he would have that shit on LOCK:

For Your Consideration: The Many Faces of Kody Brown

The parents remind us that they have been living in Vegas for several months. They’re running low on cash so they’ve got to find new jobs that would fit their schedule. Their plan: GET INTO REAL ESTATE! Apparently their realtor suggested it because she thinks Kody would be a natural. – he’s managed to get FOUR women to buy into polygamy, so I am inclined to agree with her.

They’re really excited. I don’t mean to be a party pooper, but the housing industry is still kind of in the toilet. As Kody, Janelle and Christine get ready to go meet their realtor, Kody says that Christine would be a natural at selling homes. Just as Christine is going to tell us what she loves that would relate to real estate, Janelle interjects to share what SHE loves about this situation. Newsflash lady, THIS IS NOT THE JANELLE SHOW! I’m irritated because now I am curious about what it is that would make Christine so great at real estate. Does she like finding fancy ways to describe boring home design elements? Is she really into that home spray that smells like cookies? Does she like putting signs on the street? Thanks to Janelle, WE WILL NEVER KNOW.

Janelle is STILL talking and Kody rescues both Christine and the viewer by reminding them that they need to get going and thus Janelle needs to shut up. Hallejulah! They head on over to TMI Realty – HA! Too easy, I’m going to leave that one alone.

Mona, the realtor, is excited to have them on board. Mona wears Sally Jesse Raphael glasses and still rocks the half ponytail. Not digging it.

Mona Jesse Raphael

They all hug hello, and Mona seems concerned that Meri and Robin aren’t there, which I find odd. What are Christine, Janelle and Kody, chopped liver? Kody explains that Robin has morning sickness, and Meri is not interested. I don’t blame her. Let #2 and #3 work, they’re the ones she’s sharing her husband with. That’s pretty generous if you ask me.

Mona is going to teach them about how to have an open house. What’s really happening is Mona is getting other people to do her sign / balloon / flag placement manual labor. No wonder she wanted to know where Meri and Robin are! More hands on deck = less time working = more time drinking scotch and watching TV.

Christine grills Mona on whether or not this would be a good venture, and how much school would take, online, etc. Someone did her homework. Jeanatte keeps repeating that she needs to be busy – GOT IT. Again, THIS IS NOT THE JANELLE SHOW.

Looks like Mona heard about the crying  fit Christine had at Pastoray’s church and put out the kleenex just in case.

Christine tells us that they’ve been looking at family business ideas – sweatshop, DUH. Or family band. It seems to have worked for other TV families. The world has been dying for a twenty person polygamist family band, so I don’t get why they’re wasting their time with real estate. I guess it would be awkward when they get one flute and the sister wives have to take turns playing it. Bada-BING! I’ll be here all week, people.

Janelle lets us know that it’s not like a regular family business with two people; they have five different personalities and it’s not easy to run the mom and mom and mom and mom and pop shop – hahahaha. MMMMMMMMMMPop. That should be their company name. What she’s really saying is they are already have to take turns fornicating and no one wants ¼ of a management position. Kody says it’s been a while since they’ve had a job. Not since “we’ve had jobs”, since “we had a job” – are they the BORG?

Mona meets them over at the house she’s staging and Mona starts explaining difficult concepts like “put this flag in the yard” and “put this sign over here.” Kody takes this in stride and offers the example that you have to be a page before you can be a knight. Mona’s like, “whatever, nerd, less yapping, more working.”

Mona before Kody opens his mouth: Happy

After Kody speaks: Mona questioning her choices

Kody wisely points out that they can’t hang the flags at eye level because people won’t be able to walk under them. He also carries a knife. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Crocodile Kodee! THANK THE LORD HE’S AROUND!

Christine trusts Kody, but not enough to get on his shoulders to hang the flags, which doesn’t stop Kody; he dives for her vagina and hauls her onto his shoulders. Christine shuts it down and makes a bucket ladder instead and then makes Kody hang the flags. I support it.

There are easier ways to find out if there’s a baby in there

Back at one of the houses, Kody wrangles the teens and the moms for an important discussion about dating and sex. They haven’t established dating guidelines in Vegas – were there Utah dating guidelines? Kody wants to be involved in the kids’ decisions about dating and who they associate with. Robin wisely realizes that this sounds creepy and controlling and clarifies that as parents, they don’t want any surprises.

Raise your hand if listening to Kody talk about sex makes you pray for the Lord to take your hearing away

One of the girls throws Robin under the bus by whining that Robin is ALWAYS telling them about ALL the guys she’s been with. Kody quickly corrects her because it’s okay for him to sleep with everyone, but her vagina guestbook needs to be short or empty. Kody doesn’t want them to date in high school – he doesn’t like the idea of someone like him boning his daughters, so he and his several fathers in law have that in common.

Robin clarifies that those single dates happened when she was 18, and Christine says that her mom got married at 17. One of the kids has the appropriate reaction to this information:

Another one of the other daughters asks if they can date and not get married. Kody tells us that he doesn’t want to talk about his daughters marrying or dating, and all the moms laugh except Meri. I don’t know if that is because she also doesn’t want to talk about it, or because she’s totally somewhere else.

Hello, Meri? Are you with us? I know you’re planning out your next layered disaster of an outfit but we need you to focus.

Kody says there should be no sexual activity whatsoever before they graduate high school. I disagree – one of those girls gets pregnant and BAM! Sister Wives – Teen Mom crossover. Also, why high school? Are these kids not going to college, or is Crocodile Kodee realistic in his expectations?

18 can’t come fast enough

Sidenote – Logan is not creeping me out as much now that I’ve figured out who he reminds me of:

Aloha Mr. Hand!

Two of the teens think kissing is special, but not special enough to save for marriage. I concur – in the gospel according to Baldy, it’s not even special enough to save for someone whose name you know or for when you are sober. Mariah has never been kissed and doesn’t want to until she gets married. That sounds like sour grapes to me, but whatevs, I’m a big ho. I had to move to another state to meet potential sex partners who were not already somehow linked to me through other sex partners. I’m like a Sister Wife for all the other ho bags in the in my former county area.

After the long and embarrassing torture of listening to their moms and dad discuss dating, the kids are ready for their co-ed outing! All the kids come over. There’s a girl or two, two dopey-looking white boys and two cute ethnic boys – yay diversity!

Dopey White Kids

Adorbs

Kody is concerned that these kids all come from monogamist families and that they will have more influence on his kids than he does. He’s not worried about drugs as much as the idea that that monogamy will rub off on them. Robin wants the kids to choose the poly marriage lifestyle – again reminding us that THEY BELIEVE THIS IS RIGHT. She should write that down and keep it in her wallet so she doesn’t forget.

The oldest teenagers want to to go back to Utah for college. Robin and Kody are hurt that the kids want to leave because they want them to be close to home. Bad news – this is what happens when you move your teenagers to another state – they want to go home. The teenagers tell the camera the truth – they have one foot out the door. Exact words. Love these kids. One likes Vegas. I’m with her. I would much rather be in Vegas than Utah, mostly because gambling/drinking > hiking in my book.

Remember the girl on the right because the next time you see her, she will be bringing you a bloody mary while you play nickel slots until 3am

Logan is out as soon as he is a legal adult and the girl with the black hair is willing to get into megadebt to go to college in Utah.

The kids have fun on their not-a-date date; they go get food, hit up the ice skating rink and wrap it up with FroYo. Ah, youth. I would throw up if I tried to do all of those things in one day. Jen, one for the new friends, wants to now how dating works for their family. Logan tells them that it’s okay once you’re 16. I think what Jen meant is “how many girlfriends will you have while we are dating?”

One of the teen daughters tells us that she doesn’t want to be a sister wife because she doesn’t want to be jealous, and she doesn’t want anyone to be jealous of her. She thinks that there’s too much drama, and black hair girl concurs. THAT SOUNDS JUICY! I want to know more about this drama please. That’s way more interesting than how to prepare an open house.

Logan isn’t worried about what his future relationships look like. Typical dude. Video games and school over relationships. Jen starts digging for information again – is she writing an article for the school newspaper? Back off Lois Lane – I get that you’re on this date to be on TV and to ask lots of questions about the freak show, but you could at least PRETEND to be interested in your date and his interests?

“Do you all share a bathroom? Do all your moms get their period at the same time? Can you stay at any house or do you have to stay in the house with your biological mom? Have you guys figured out how to turn your moms against each other so you can get anything you want?”

One of the Brown kids (that’s the family Brown, not the ethnic kids in case you were wondering) – says that a poly family just means more moms and chaos. To make a point, one of the Brown kids asks “what’s it like growing up in a monogamist family?” but the teens wisely recognize that this is a rhetorical question and ponder it to themselves. HA HA just kidding, they ignore her. I would have loved Jen if she said “It’s FUCKING AWESOME” but she didn’t.

Their friends are really curious about their future choices, and the sibs are clearly divided. In the private interview, one of the teen girls says she has already decided to go poly, and her sister clearly thinks she is out of her mind. At least she’s already started to dress the part.

Kids, dress for the job you want, not the job you have! You’re welcome.

Back to the grown-ups. Robin has been spotting, and she and Kody are understandably freaked out. That is really scary; I may not agree with polygamy but these people have grown on me and miscarriages are fucking awful, so I hope everything is okay. Trauma aside, I would so not be into my husband discussing my menstruation the way Kody is explaining how Robin has never spotted during one of her pregnancies. Fathering 100 kids and having four vaginas on rotation does not make you a gynecologist, dude.

Robin and Kody visit the midwife and she says they’ll try to listen to the baby’s heartbeat on the doppler . It is super loud; apparently intestines sound like storms – that explains so much about how I feel after eating. The doppler is not picking up a heartbeat, and we’re left with a cliff hanger because THE EPISODE IS OVER? COME ON. That is not cool. They’ve ended things with Kody crying and it is FREAKING. ME. OUT.

Lucky for us, we don’t have to wait a week to find out what happens at the midwife’s office! We’re going to dive right in to Episode 3 where we get to see some of that jealousy that the teens were so worried about. Before we do, let’s take a bathroom / booze / food / smoke / whatever the hell you want break.

EPISODE THREE! And we’re back! The preview in the opening of the show basically shows that everyone in the family is having a miserable time in Vegas, which is really sad because Vegas is super fun. I really liked this show better when it wasn’t a documentary about a bunch of people who are in a downward spiral of depression.

Sad music plays as we return to the midwife’s office. As you remember from two paragraphs ago, the midwife could not find a heartbeat with the doppler. Cue super dramatic music. The midwife says not to panic until they try finding a baby with an ultrasound. They can see a heart flicker! The baby is okay! It is pretty amazing to see a baby smaller than a hostess ho ho.

I wondered how Kody and Robin selected their midwife, and it is immediately apparent when we meet the midwife’s assistant. She has layered a cute dress over a t-shirt. IT IS SPREADING! This layering bullshit better not become a thing because I am not getting on board.

WHY?????

Anyway, CRISIS AVERTED! Now we can move on to other things without taking the show seriously. During the interview, we are treated to more tank tops and tees over long sleeve shirts. BOOOOO.

Meri is measuring the dimensions of her living room because each wife is going to get to decorate one room! They didn’t get to move everything when they fled Utah. There probably wasn’t a lot of room for furniture in the moving truck due to the hundreds of rubbermaid tubs containing summery tank tops and turtlenecks to wear under them.

Not Without My Tank Tops: a TLC Original Movie

Meri’s living room looks a like a college kid’s first apartment, so I can see why she wants to fix it up. Christine jokes that the card table looks good and she should keep it. Har har. Christine is going to re-do the bedroom because she has never had a bedroom set and her bed broke during the move. RIIIIIIGHT. The old “the-moving-truck-broke-my-bed-not-humping-I-swear” line.

Also, I’m even more disappointed in Meri because she is wearing a cute outfit that proves that she can layer well. Now she has even less of an excuse for the shitty layering:

Tape this picture to your closet, Meri. THIS IS HOW YOU WEAR LAYERS.

Janelle is going to do her family room so that the kids can get something out of it. That’s nice of her. I don’t think furniture is going to make them feel better about being dragged away from their friends, but what do I know?

Meanwhile, Robin is also redoing her bedroom. NOW WE GET TO THE GOOD STUFF. Robin could sense that the others felt weird being in her bedroom; Christine doesn’t want the other wives in her bedroom, and Janelle says she feels like it is a personal space. Let’s quit dancing around the issue ladies: You do not want to see where your husband is giving the business to other women.

“Hey Sisters, look over here, it’s my bathroom! Seriously, stop looking at my bed like you want to set it on fire with your eyes.”

Janelle tries to say that she feels uncomfortable in anyone’s bedroom, but I call bullshit. Meri doesn’t care if the other ladies visit with her in her bedroom. I feel so bad for Meri, she seems so lonely. She’s begging people to hang out in her pool, in her bedroom, anywhere as long as she could have some company.

Meri giving Robin “cry for help” eyes

Kody reminds us that they are in four separate homes and decorating four homes is expensive! They found a consignment furniture store and meet up with a salesman named Theo, who Kody says immediately got it and understands design. How he knows that upon meeting him, I don’t know, but I like Theo. He seems like a hoot.

TLC – you need to get going on the Theo Show STAT

Christine and Kody share a brain when they shop. Kody goes on and on about how they are like one mind, while the other women actively try to shove their jealousy down into the deep recesses of their hearts. This point is driven home because they are dressed to match!

“We didn’t plan this or anything! BESTIES!”

Kody then tells us that Janelle is like his bro and Christine decorated Janelle’s house, so if you don’t like Janelle’s house, blame Christine. Kody yammers on about how he and his brah Janelle talk about business when they hang out, which immediately reminds Janelle that she is unemployed. NICE JOB JACKASS. Sad music plays as Janelle wanders around the furniture store.

I’m pretty sure there aren’t any jobs nestled in these couches, but bless you for looking.

Kody and Janelle only ever talked about business back in the day and they’re forced to build a new relationship, which Kody finds to be very romantic. Again, everyone is uncomfortable! I’m uncomfortable too; I don’t like being reminded that Kody has sex with these women any more than they like thinking about Kody having sex with them.

All the wives find furniture that Kody approves of except Meri. He calls her selection “grandma” while Meri thinks it is traditional. I’m kind of with Kody on this one, but it’s Meri’s living room so she should be able to pick. Furthermore, not everyone over 30 still thinks they’re 18, Kody. If he had his way, they’d keep the giant bean bag chair and get some recliners with speakers in the headrest, black lights, and a giant Iron Man poster.

Kody lays down on the couch to road test it and Theo comments that he could take a nap anywhere, hahaha! I’m with Theo – you’d have to be able to sleep anywhere to be Kody. I would be more of a cranky-ass bitch than usual if I had to sleep in a different bed every night.

Theo tells us that the Browns are the most unique family he has worked with, and that they are not what you would expect. Being a man of color (his words), he understands prejudice and he’s keeping an open mind. I love Theo. Maybe Janelle can work at the furniture store so we can see more of him.

TLC, quit screwing around. THEO SHOW. GET. ON. IT.

Meri gets bullied into a more modern living room set that Kody loves. She and Kody cuddle on the couch while Christine tries really hard not to throw up.

“I’m standing RIGHT HERE, do you MIND? Seriously, get your hands off our husband, bitch.”

Meri’s opinion is completely dismissed and they go with the set Kody likes. It’s like Kody saying he wants more wives all over again, I suspect. Meri needs to get the “Welcome” tattoo removed off of her ass.

Robin tells us that Meri is a complex woman – she’s got a very deep family history that has resulted in her having a shit ton of knick knacks and dust gatherers around the house, but there’s also the wild and modern, hot and happening Meri, as evidenced by her unconventional pedicure and forever 21 dress she borrowed from Mariah.

Furniture delivery day! The truck rolls to Janelle’s first. They talk about how absurd it is that they have to live in four separate houses. You think THAT’S absurd? You should hear about these four women that are all married to the same dipshit with Peter Pan syndr- oh, that’s right….

Meri is worried that she’s not going to like the furniture that she did not pick but got stuck with anyway, but she’s determined to work on it. Again, just like her relationship(s).

The ladies have decided to get Kody a ring from all of them with the leftover furniture money. They want him to have a claddaugh ring like the ones they have to tie them all together. The ring they select has three diamonds, but there’s four wives! Dilemma! The jeweler says she can put a fourth heart in the center, and while the wives joke about it, it’s clear that they struggle with this idea. Robin says the diamond represents the one he is with that night and they laugh. HOW CAN THEY ALL JUST PRETEND THEY ARE NOT BOTHERED WHEN THEY SO CLEARLY ARE??

One ring to rule them all…

It’s time for King Kody to approve all of the new rooms! Christine’s bedroom looks much better:

Christine’s bedroom before

Christine’s bedroom after (good job, Theo!)

Janelle has a western themed living room complete with super classy boot lamps and a wooden recorder.

Janelle’s living room before

Janelle’s living room after

Please stop.

Janelle says that she was grossed out when she first saw how Robin ran her relationship with Kody because Robin was a “damsel in distress” who had Kody do things for her. I call that SMART. Why do it when you can get Kody to do it? Janelle has finally figured out many years to later that when you treat the man like he is needed, it makes him happy. Robin fires back that Janelle likes to be independent in her relationships, and Robin used to be like that, but now…I don’t really get where Robin is going with that one.

Judging by the looks of these two, skinny bitch needs to stop talking

Janelle says what we’re all thinking

Meri’s new living room looks very nice, much improved from her college keg party living room. Meri liked the furniture, she just needed to figure out how to make it hers. Again, like her relationship.

Meri’s living room before

Meri’s living room after

Robin’s room is really girly and matches her outfit. Kody is pleased as well. I was on board until I saw the neon palm tree light. REALLY????

The layering issue is one thing, but there is no excuse for the neon palm tree unless this room exists in 1987.

Kody starts mooning over Robin with Meri caught in the cross fire. AWKWARD!

The ladies take Kody out to dinner to give him the ring. Meri says they’ve been thinking and Kody looks terrified until Meri starts talking about rings.

“This better not be about the couch.”

Kody is floored by the gesture, and tells the ladies he is not easy to impress, but it was totally awesome. He reminds me of every youth group pastor that bugged the shit out of me with their hyper-positive attitude and clumsy attempts to talk like a teenager.

Well, what do you think Gasmii? Now that the family is in Vegas, the cracks are starting to show! Will all four wives stick it out with Kody? Will the teenagers flee back to Utah? How long until someone has a meltdown of jealousy? Will Janelle get a job and stop whining? I look forward to your comments!