Sister Wives Recap: The Four Lives of Kody Brown

Well Gasmii, it’s finally happened. The stress of living in four homes, having 16 kids, no job, and one husband has finally started to show for the women and kids in the family. Not that the producers think anyone cares about them, because this episode is all about the Four Lives of Kody Brown and his stress. Since I care, here’s a preview as to how everyone is doing:

NOT GREAT

It’s also the Christine vs. Robin show – not that the ladies fight (that would be way too awesome for this show.) Christine is clearly struggling with the fact that she’s not the new wife anymore. I tried to find the full interview of the three original wives on Anderson Cooper, but all I found is the clip of Christine saying that she WANTED to be THIRD wife. She’s starting to realize she meant LAST wife. Last wife never has to make room for anyone else, she never has to deal with the jealousy that comes while your husband is flirty and infatuated with a new woman. You know, the things Christine is wrestling with now.

When I said THIRD, I meant LAST. Who marries FOUR WOMEN? COME ON!

The Robin’s baby storyline is also front and center – we finally learn the gender of the baby! Robin did not find out the gender of her previous three kids until they were born, but now that she’s a Brown, it’s 20 against 1 so she’s going to have to find out now.

QUICK DISCLAIMER: I apologize for typos but I wanted to get this up before I go out of town for the weekend. My apologies!

Kody is exhausted from having to move from house to house to house; he lives everywhere and nowhere. He doesn’t know where his stuff is; it’s exhausting and it’s making him anxious.

Somewhere in this neighborhood, there are pants and a jacket that go with that shirt.

Even though his faith finds the justification for polygamy in the Bible, Kody tells us that the bible doesn’t tell us how polygamy worked. The Old Testament says that people had multiple wives, but there’s no details on whether the wives lived in one tent, or had their own tents, and if so, were their tents on the same street? Did David have eight palaces for his eight wives? Kody is full of questions

Did Lot’s wife turn into a pillar of salt that was human shaped, or just a regular pillar? Where did all the animal crap go on Noah’s Ark? Could the Ark of the Covenant REALLY melt the faces off Nazis?

We join Christine at her house; the whole family is meeting up for dinner at a Mexican Restaurant. Christine thought the kids would be into it, but they’re pulling their feet. They jury’s still out as to whether or not Christine is into it

We’re getting Mexican food. Or something. It was probably Robin’s idea. Fucking Robin.

Kody jokes that they’re eating there because the kids eat free! Well, the kids under 12, with the purchase of an adult meal. If five teens order adult entrees, then five kids eat free and it’s almost like the cancel each other out, right? WORD PROBLEMS!

As the family files in, they roll by the Tortilla lady. You can’t see her face, but you just know she’s saying “fuck this shit.”

You’re going to need more tortillas.

Robin tells the hostess they will need a table for 21. A couple things:

1) If you have a party of 21, your ass needs to call the restaurant and MAKE A RESERVATION.

2) I used to wait tables and I LIVED IN FEAR of the party of 21 that was mostly kids. I hope they tip well.

3) There are 21 of them and they’re in VEGAS!!! CRAZY! Not that this means anything to Robin. More on that later.

Hunter is spending the summer at his grandpa no wait uncle’s house because he hates Vegas. Even the normally agreeable Logan says that he hates Vegas (he corrects himself because hating is bad. I fucking hate when people do that.) Future cocktail waitress chimes in. Thanks to her parents, she won’t even need to change her name!

Upon moving to Vegas, girls with names like “Lisa” and “Danielle” change their name TO “Aspyn” so she’s got one less obstacle ahead of her future Vegas greatness

Totally unrelated: Tableside guacamole. This is the only time I have ever wished I was part of the Brown Family.

Ever since the move, when the famliy gets together for dinner it’s just really depressing because now they all just go their own way. Back at the Hotel Brown in Utah, the teens would hang out at Meri’s, but now that they’re in Vegas, she doesn’t get to have teen time anymore. They should just go over there anyway. If those teens were smart, they would all try to live with Meri.

And FINALLY, we get to hear all about the JEALOUSY! I’m a child of the 80’s so I love the drama – I grew up on Dynasty and Dallas. I want to see some bitches with big hair and lots of diamonds trade clever barbs before they throw each other in the pool. I know I won’t get it with this show, so the conversation about the realities of jealousy among sister wives will have to do.

The wives admit that it’s hard not to wonder about who Kody likes best. For Kody, this just means that he has to try harder. As we will see shortly, that’s not working for Christine. Janelle and Christine torture themselves about the fun he has without them. Translation: when he’s not spending the night with them, it’s because he’s giving the business to someone else. At least they all used to be in the same house and it was less weird. But now…wait, really? Which is weirder, knowing that your husband is getting it on with someone else in your house, or down the street? Is it easier to deal with when you see him everyday? Apparently, the answer is yes. While I was watching the episode, I totally understood that, but now that I’m typing it, that makes zero sense to me. Gasmii, I think you’re going to need to stay on Sister Wife watch for LadyBaldy – too much of this show and I’m going to be writing all kinds of insane shit on my match.com profile.

Christine doesn’t hold back because SHE. HAS. HAD. IT. He caters to Robin, her needs, her kids, that relationship, at the expense of his relationship with Christine. Careful what you wish for, Christine. I guess being the third wife isn’t all rainbows and unicorns like you had hoped.

To be fair, the Old Testament not only neglects the subject of real estate and cohabitation, it’s also painfully lacking in the wife order advice. Too bad there isn’t an issue of Mesopotamian Cosmopolitan laying around. Christine is not blaming Robin, and I appreciate that even though Robin bugs me and after this episode, I blame her just a little. Baldy is bitter, and hearing Robin swoon on and on about how great Kody is kind of makes me ill.

Anyway, back to Christine – she’s not getting used to all the change and Kody’s attention to Robin as quickly as she would like, but she’s also done worrying about having the perfect marriage, or whether or not their relationship is what Kody wants. Big payoff – is she talking about the afterlife? They had a good marriage for 16 years but SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS NOW! Point is, it’s Christine-time, bitches.Janelle says that when one couple struggles, they all struggle. Polygamy is like Jenga, but with people.

Look at me when I’m nagging you dammit. It’s MY TIME NOW.

Let’s take an editorial detour, shall we? There are so many fucking kids on this show, I really can’t name one of her kids except Truly the baby. I know they all have y’s like Mykelti and Aspyn and what not, but I feel like there are different kids in these houses every time I watch this show. I literally cannot identify any child that is in this family that is not a teenager or a baby. That’s almost ALL of them.

Also, WHAT THE HELL IS IN THEIR YARD???

Direct from the Fingerhut catalog, the “Say Anything” Bear.

Christine says it’s hard to have him go, and it will be four days until he is back. How does the rotation work? Who cares? Christine’s time is up and it’s off to Robin’s house! Here’s a game – does Kody FAVOR Robin, or is Robin REALLY FUCKING SMART and knows how to curry favor with her ¼ of a husband?

Exhibit A: He parks in the garage at Robin’s house.  Exhibit B: (Christine, are you writing this down?) – he likes being around Robin because she still thinks he is the shit.

Hang on him like a growth and he’ll do the dishes!

Kody and Robin are off to find out whether they are having a boy or a girl, and we arrive at the single most entertaining part of this episode: the part where Robin and Kody make a medical professional feel really uncomfortable on camera!! Robin tries to make small talk with the technician by telling her that this is their SEVENTEENTH KID. Seriously? Why would you even bring that shit up? Even if she asked, just say you both have kids from a previous marriage.? The woman has job to do and you’re not making it any easier with your polig-boms.

(“Seventeen kids? Wow! Her vagina must look like the Lincoln Tunnel!”) “This is Vegas, will you hit or stay?”

“What does that mean, Kody? You’re a man and you are so wise! Oh, they’re not my kids! They’re from four mommies!”

” Oh, okay, that’s…whoa..So there’s sixteen kids, this is your first one, but there are three other moms…”

“I have four wives”

I just threw up in my mouth a little

I give her credit for keeping her cool when she hears what is what. Congratulations….I guess.

It’s dinner time at Robin’s Kody Palace. For dinner, they’re apparently having salsa because that is all I see on the table. Times really ARE tough!

Robin says that Kody is always always always always helping. REALLY? Either Christine has a point and this is the Robin Show, OR she’s learned how to kiss Kody’s ass. You be the judge. Robin says she watched her parents have a honeymoon experience for years and years, and that is what she wants. Janelle and Meri think that’s unrealistic. What does Christine think? FUCK YOOOOOU Robin!

Kody and I are going to be super happy forever! Why are you all laughing?

Robin does her other stuff when Kody is not around so she can focus on him. Are you listening Christine? Robin worships Kody, Kody is happy. That’s how you do if you want to be the favorite in these dark and stressful times!

Robin: WINNING!

Kody says Robin wants a relationship with the wives, with him, and with the kids. It sounds like Robin wants an awful lot. Maybe Robin needs to chill out. What did I tell you? I’m a bitter Baldy.

Morning at Robin’s house and her tummy wants to throw up. My tummy wants to throw up sometimes too, and I’m always like “Tummy, shut the hell up because I did not pay for the expensive brie and wine so you could reject it.”

Kody wants to wear sweatpants, but he doesn’t have any at Robin’s house. Robin says he needs to put on jeans and walk to Christine’s house to get sweats and come back. What is he wearing while they have this conversation?

Sweatpants’ brothers, flannel pants. Just wear the flannel pants and quit bitching.

Robin says something both revealing and creepy, or at least I think she does. She says she gets sad when it comes time for him to leave, and the fact that he gets to go run is huge to her because she doesn’t normally let him out of her sight. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Did I even get that right? Robin, you need to open your mouth when you talk and use your words so I can understand you.

Kody tells us that he has been in the faith for 21 years. Love is the first thing you need, and to have that, you need communication. There’s a lot of mistakes, so there needs to be a lot of forgiveness. Oh, and commitment. HAHAHAHA. I like how that’s the afterthought.

Kody is hoping that going into business with his four wives could create family time. In the meantime, he has a business meeting, and he has no idea where his suit is! More running around. He tells us that coming out has made finding jobs difficult. I think that SUCKS. I would hire them. I don’t give a shit. I also don’t run a business, so that’s not very helpful.

We’re on Day Meri. Meri likes having her own house, but it’s hard not seeing him every day. All the wives say that it’s hard not to see him, but I don’t hear them talking about not seeing each other every day. Then again, maybe they do since none of them are working.

Business meeting time! Kody has a business idea – a healthy food franchise! How about a buffet where you get one meat and four sides? Christine doesn’t want to do food. Janelle wants someone to take her seriously.

What does Meri want? Meri wants to go back to working with at-risk youth. She is not into the idea of starting a business. Robin is like WTF? You’re trying to not be a part of my family. Living apart, your own job, different places, WHY????

The world doesn’t revolve around you, 4th wife. Why don’t you cry about it?

While they’re all trying to figure out what the magic idea is, Janelle, the money manager, is like WE NEED TO GET OUR SHIT IN GEAR. Nothing is agreed upon except the fact that no one wants to run a restaurant besides Kody.

Evening at Meri’s. Kody asks Meri if Mariah will be going out with them, and Meri hesitates. At least Mariah gets it an is like HELLO MOM WANTS TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU. Oh, so Meri will get some nice alone time with Kody, that will be nice…CUT TO MARIAH AND KODY AND MERI AT THE PARK. HAHAHAHAH. Mariah wants to go back to Utah, and Kody says the case is closed with a clumsy metaphor about pilgrims.

Mariah and Meri going out of town to see some peeps but will be back in time to learn sex of baby! I’d accept a text message if it meant I got to stay on vacation, but that’s just me. The next morning, Meri tells Kody that she woke up and didn’t know where she was. I’ve been there, so I feel her. Kody says everyone asks him if he ever wakes up and forgets where he is, and he tells Meri he’s made this mistake; once, he woke up at Robin’s and said “I love you, Meri.” Meri is torn between secret joy and the feeling of ARE YOU KIDDING ME? And this is where Kody is BRILLIANT. What a PERFECT little anecdote to share to make Meri feel special. Too bad he said in on camera, or he could have used this gem three more time.

It’s the old “Would you rather I was here thinking of her?”

Time to go! Kody sees Meri and Mariah off and totally creeps me out yet again:

This looks like a clip from a Lifetime movie where it turns out the husband is a serial killer.

REALLY?

No matter what, when he is leaving, the wife is sad. Kody never felt that from his wives when they shared a home in Utah. No time to talk about it though, it’s Janelle’s turn on the Kody Train! I maintain that Janelle’s house is the most fun. Maybe it’s the cheerful music. Baldy falls for producer manipulation yet again.

Janelle and Kody immediately talk business and jobs since they’re the only ones in the family that really understand the need for income, and they also miss working. Janelle says that being independent is fine, but the lack of Kody time is hard. Focusing on work would help distract her from the fact that she really and truly only sees him every few days. Speaking of starting a business, Christine says she has ideas but doesn’t know how to execute the idea, and Janelle says that she does know how to execute them. This is why you’re a TEAM! Quit whining about Kody and get something going! This show isn’t going to last forever! You’ve got a gazillion kids, a Lexus payment, rent, food, knick knacks, and poorly layer clothing to buy!

Dinner! Janelle’s house is about family dinner. It really does look like the most fun house. Janelle has to remind herself to have alone time with Kody. They decide to go look at a potential property for the future brown compound. Janell and Kody spend their alone time looking for a new property that the entire family can live on. The goal has changed from one big house to four houses on one property. Ah, no one wants to give up their house! They can’t afford to purchase land and build on it just yet, but they’re putting positive energy out there. Janelle knows The Secret!

Kody yammers on some sentimental yarn about how he and Janelle and Kody have a special bond through their kids, which I don’t get because he has kids with all of them. I feel like it’s his way of saying she “has a nice personality.” Apparently during the dark years with Meri, Janelle cornered him to say WORK THIS SHIT OUT BECAUSE MERI WORTH IT!. I kind of love that about her. Janelle is the most devoted to the entire family, which I like about her. This whole family is growing on me. LISTEN TO ME!!! Baldy polygamy watch is at Defcon 3. I kind of like the idea of having a husband I only have to see once every four days. He just has to be really weathy, accepting of the fact that our “kids” will be my two cats that I already have, and I’m probably not going to be really into hanging out with the other wives or watching their children.

Janelle asks Kody to hang her flatscreen TV before he leaves, and he embarks on a quest to find his tools and the right parts that would rivals the journey of Frodo and Sam in that it’s a whiny guy with stringy-ish shoulder length hair who keeps whining about his burden in a way that makes me have zero sympathy for him. He travels to each house looking for his crap only to find out that he will need to go to the hardware store. Upon returning to Christine’s house with all the tools and parts, what does he find? THE PARTS WERE THERE THE WHOLE TIME! Kody is laughing but inside he’s like GODDAMMITSHITFUCK.

I miss Utah

Kody tells us that at the big house, he was not centered and present. He was omnipresent (Chill out dude – running around the house with the attention span of a toddler does not make one omnipresent). He vows to be centered and present if they all live together, which Christine immediately challenges.I can’t imagine why they’re not getting along.

AWKWARD

Christine says he has aged 10 years in the last few months. Meri’s like, it’s not that bad and Christine jokes that maybe she thinks that because he’s scowling when he is with her. Christine, honey? You are a SISTER WIFE – you are NOT GOING TO WIN THIS ONE. Meri lets her have it in her kind, quiet Meri way: Christine is not trying hard enough. Meri has been there, done that and wants to Christine to get her shit together and follow Meri’s example. Meri phrased it much kinder than LadyBaldy, and it appears to have worked.

PWNED

Christine seems to have taken it to heart. Instead of jumping down his throat, she lets Kody watch TV when he’s back at her house. And we’ve come full circle, and all that drama from Christine at the beginning is somewhat recanted. She says that the relationship used to be easy and she always believe that they were the BEST couple (note to Christine from Janelle and Meri: THANKS A LOT BITCH).. She was the last wife for a long time, but she doesn’t feel special anymore. Christine feels set aside, and she thought she would go through those feelings faster. We get to see a happier time in her life, when she had fuller bangs and smiled.

Back when she was Blonde Robin

Everyone is going over to Christine’s house for dinner before they roll over to Robin’s for the big baby gender announcement. The kids are having an outdoor water fight, and Kody is finally having fun. THANK GOD, RIGHT?!?! Someone should have thrown him in the pool days ago and we could have had another fun episode with Theo.

In other news, the family is taking baby steps in the small child supervision department:

PINS AND NEEDLES! Everyone is at Robin’s to learn the gender of the baby. Kody says that babies bring sister wives together. Apparently so. Christine tells us that she is strong at the core, and she is going to push through because at the end of the day, she still loves being a sister wife and having a bajillion kids. The Brown family is like the Mafia – once you’re in, you’re IN. Or, it’s like Herpes – it’s for always. Kody says anyone could leave the marriage at any time, but OMG that would cause so much drama for the kids, which would suck.

Everyone watches the sonogram video and Robin gives an anatomy lesson. The string of pearls is the spine. Glad she didn’t call it a pearl necklace, that has a very specific meaning among certain circles in Vegas.

Movie Night at the Brown House: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

It’s A BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dayton (Robin’s son) is stoked to be a big bro because he’s lonely. Everyone is excited there is a new baby! Except their bank account. And we’ve reached the end of the very special hour long episode of Sister Wives! What do you think? Will Christine stick it out, or will Kody’s doting on Robin drive her further away? Will they get a business off the ground? Will the teens flee to Utah, never to return? Will Kody get a haircut so I can take him somewhat more seriously??