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Wednesday, October 5, 2011
10:00 am
53 Comments
Tagged: DIY Church, funny, parody, reality show, recap, sarcastic, sister wives, tvgasm, Vegas is the new Utah
***We’re a little behind on this season’s Sister Wives, but we’re making up for it with a catch up week of hilary recaps by the newest nut on the gasm tree. And now, ladies and gents, we are proud to welcome our newest ass kicking recapper to the fold with part one of a Sister Wives mini marathon. Give it up for LadyBaldy!
Church is even more boring when it’s at home and mere feet away from all the things you would rather be doing
Guess what Gasmii! Your favorite reality show about women who want to sleep with the same man even though he’s kinda gross is BACK! No, it’s not The Girls Next Door. Or Rock of Love. of Flava of Love. Or Jersey Shore. Dammit, why are there so many disgusting men getting ridiculous amounts of ass on my TV??
It’s your other-other-other favorite show, Sister Wives! The show is back for Season THREE, and it’s my honor and privilege to recap it for you. I love TheMiki’s take on the show, and I hope to do this show justice. Get ready to watch in awe and confusion as four women try to convince themselves that they are happy with 1/4th of a husband!
Previously on Sister Wives: Downtown Kody Brown moved his harem circus family to Las Vegas to escape a criminal investigation in Utah. Nobody hates polygamy more than Utah. Here’s an SAT-style analogy for you:
Ex-Smokers : Smokers :: Mormons : LDS Polygamists.
I don’t blame the Mormons for cracking down; they don’t need more image problems. They don’t have a Tom Cruise to serve as an ambassador for their religion; instead, they get Mitt Romney and Warren Jeffs. Romney is not scary until he talks, but Warren Jeffs will give you nightmares.
He was Cruise-ified for your sins!
Appealing to no one
Where do you go when THE MAN wants to lock you up for “multiplying” your love instead of dividing it? VEGAS BABY! Anything goes in the land of casinos, prostitution and Cirque du Soleil shows at every turn. There weren’t any Motel-6 properties for lease, so each wife has her own house. Poor Kody! He used to be able to rotate through his husbandly duties without having to set foot outside. Now he’s all over the damn place. His life probably looks a lot like a Family Circus cartoon:
Kody gets around - he's the Mormon 2Pac
The first wife, Meri, only has one kid, a teenage girl. Meri has insecurity issues and pain from not being able to have more children, so naturally she lives blocks away from everyone else. Good plan, everybody. She probably cries a lot.
Robyn, the fourth / youngest / skinniest wife is pregnant – FINALLY – they’ve been married how long now? Woman, you were not brought into this family to make friends and hang out, you were brought in to MULTIPLY the love. Nice to see you’re finally taking your role seriously . She has to head over to Meri’s isolation shack to break the news to her first. Robin is super worried because Meri was only able to have one child, and when your motto is “love should be multiplied, not divided,” having one kid is like having to watch your friends party on Cinco de Mayo while you drink a soda because you lost the designated driver coin toss.
Robin breaks the news and Meri lets out a really unconvincing “Yay!” She kind of whispers it. She doesn’t break down sobbing and try to strangle Robin, which is good for Robin but boring for us.
The many faces of being happy for your Sister Wife
Meri is actually really cool about it and wants to support her. I cannot understand how they are talking about being knocked up by the guy they are BOTH sleeping with (and sharing with two other women). Where I come from, that’s usually how epic bar fights start. I think Meri is happy to have a gal pal that isn’t the other two. Kody says some nonsense about how Meri and Robin are besties and have so much in common. From what I can tell the things they have in common are:
1) They both layer summer tops over long-sleeved shirts. (NOTE: I have a serious problem with this. This look was not cute in the 90’s and it’s not cute now. If it’s about modesty, THEY MAKE CUTE LONG SLEEVED SHIRTS. BUY ONE ALREADY).
2) They’re both banging Kody.
"I'm sooo happy that you're not mad about me being impregnated with the child you wanted! Or that your husband married yet another woman! Or that I'm a size 6! Besties FOREVER, LOL!"
All to soon it’s time to tell the rest of the family. Robin is really worried about how the rest of the family will react. Robin, honey: THIS IS WHY YOU WERE BROUGHT ON BOARD. I don’t get nervous about telling my co-workers that I do my job, and neither should you. The entire clan comes over to Meri’s house and Robin breaks the news. The other wives and the little ones are excited, but the teenagers are less than thrilled.
You're definitely not getting iPods for Christmas this year! BUT YAY BABY, amirite? Hello?
It sure seems like the love is being divided, not multiplied, but I got a B in algebra, so what do I know? I feel for those kids – there’s nothing like getting 1/20th of your father’s attention to make you feel special! Also, teenagers don’t like to be confronted with the fact that their dad is boning multiple people.
Meri’s daughter takes it especially hard because she knows her mom can’t have any more kids. Good job on making your daughter co-dependent! I can relate. One time my Dad and I went to a bar and they didn’t have Ketel One, and he had to have Stoli- and, you know what? I can’t even talk about it. Too soon.
Robin explains to us that a child is a physical manifestation of intimacy so when your sister wife gets pregnant, the other wives can no longer ignore the fact they they’re sharing a man and they have to work harder to tamp down the jealousy. Or, as I would put it, a baby just reminds you that your husband is banging a skinny chick with the same peen he’s sharing with another two women. That’s tough stuff. She keeps talking but I am distracted by her outfit and the other physical manifestation of intimacy, a.k.a. her cold sore.
Apparently a baby is not the only thing Kody has given Robin
Robin’s baby isn’t the only upheaval causing drama. Janelle is in a bad place because she actually had a job back in Utah and now she is in Nevada and she can’t find a job as she is not qualified to deal blackjack or haggle prices at a pawn shop. I don’t blame her for being crushed. They are now broke AND she has to be with the family 24-7.
Hunter, one of Janelle’s sons, is responding to all of the change like any normal teenager – he’s withdrawn, sullen, and only provides one word answers to questions. I can’t imagine how sheltered these poor kids are and now they’re in Vegas. Hunter doesn’t want to play football with the non-Mormons. Kody is struggling with how to deal – push or leave him alone. Let me just clear this one up for you – LEAVE HIM ALONE. It’s totally normal for him to isolate for a while. Let me clear one other thing up for you as well: orange shirt + white pants = human creamsicle. Don’t ever wear this again. You’re welcome.
No one wants to confide in a man dressed like a Popsicle.
Since the LDS church doesn’t care for poly-families, the Browns have their own church services in one of their homes. Logan explains this to us in a way that is too articulate for a teenage boy and something about him creeps me out. Hunter is acting like a normal teenager and Logan sounds like he’s running for a seat on the city council.
The moms are trying to get everyone ready to play church but many of the kids are trying to get out of it. Janelle’s daughter FORGOT church was today, which is so obviously bullshit because no kid forgets that they have church because church is BORING and it’s like going to school on Sunday. In fact, it IS going to school on Sunday but you have to dress up. None of the teenagers want to play church because they’re over make believe.
Mykelti comes up with the BEST excuse ever -”Daddy, I don’t think you should film church and I feel very strongly about the fact that God thinks what you are doing is an abomination so I’m not going.” NICE! She’s surfing the net while she talks – I’m willing to be she’s looking up minor emancipation laws in Nevada.
Unless you want to be dragged into an awkward discussion about feelings with Captain Creamsicle, remember to clear your internet history!
Kody handles her refusal to attend “church” well, which is cool. I hated being forced to go to church. Or anywhere, for that matter. I respect the fact that he lets his kids at least argue their case. My parents would have been like “no one gives a shit about what you want now smile for the camera and read your bible.” Kody is sermonizing – is that allowed (and is “sermonizing” a word?) Can anyone just decide to lead services? I don’t know anything about church rules. Can I decide to have church in my apartment on Sunday, because I’m pretty sure I could make it to that service. Instead of reading from the Bible, I’m going to watch reality TV as an example of what god probably doesn’t want people doing.
The parents are worried that their kids aren’t getting enough time to socialize with other kids. They go see Pastor Ray (which they say like it’s one word – Pastoray) at the Presbyterian church. Kody tells Pastoray that they want fellowship for the kids ONLY – they do all the religion-y stuff at home. Pastoray reassures them that they will not judge their family, which is very open-minded of him. Then again, they are in Vegas. Churches in Vegas probably can’t afford to moralize. Besides, I’m sure Pastoray has been confronted with racier things than the Brown family.
Just as Pastoray is reassuring them that his church would be great for their kids, Christine (blonde wife #3) bursts into tears and shuts it down. She is upset because she doesn’t want her kids fraternizing with those dirty Presbyterians – it’s a slippery slope. Today you’re a Presbyterian, tomorrow you’re swinging from a stripper pole and only married to one person!
She felt WRONG the whole time she was at the church – that was Pastor Ray judging you in his head. Meri points out that a Presbyterian youth group is better than nothing and Janelle wisely points out that this is a family discussion and they should talk to the kids. Again, I’m impressed that the kids get to be included in the discussion. So not how things operated in the Baldy family.
Blonde Mom #3 is pimping her back yard to try and cheer up one of her kids who is struggling to adjust to life in Vegas. Her daughter loved to play in the yard back in Utah, but the yard in Vegas sucks. There’s a ladder to nowhere, a deflated pool and a shit ton of rocks. And scorpions. I know this from experience people.
Their built-in labor force gets to work to fix the yard. They’re building a playhouse and stuff – it’s like an old fashioned barn raising!
Polygamy is illegal. You know what else is illegal? CHILD LABOR.
LAter, the “to youth group or not to youth group” discussion resumes at the house. Wife #1 and #2 think the ends justify the means – church is just another venue for the kids to make friends, like school. Kody wants to seek out an LDS church instead. Janelle is like, I don’t really give a shit, I need a place for my kid to go hang out with other teenagers so I don’t have to deal with his attitude.
They summon the Brown Family Teen Council. The teenagers are suspicious – is SOMEONE ELSE pregnant?? The parents ask if the kids have made friends, and if those friends have the same values as they do. Yeah, that’s what motivates teen bonds – CORE VALUES. As long as those core values are related to your taste in music, whether or not you do drugs, and which people you collectively shit on to stay afloat in the anarchic social cesspool that is high school. Kody wisely clarifies the question – do their friends have the values that Moms and Dad want them to have! The kids are less vocal with that one. Kody doesn’t just dress like a teenager, he thinks like one too and he knows that their friendships are probably based upon their position on Katy Perry and Vampire Diaries.
The parents present their church youth group idea. I know they think this is a way for their kids to meet other kids with shared values, but youth group is pretty much where I learned what ecstasy, pot, and dry humping are.
One of the kids asks why not find an LDS church and Kody explains his concern that the local LDS will reject them. Mykelti is fine with going to another church – of course she is – she’s going to sign the guestbook at the local Jewish temple before she runs off with her friends to shoplift nail polish and hang out at the Sonic. Janelle asks if Hunter is interested in socializing at all, and he says no. I’m pretty sure I’ve figured out what has happened here – Hunter has discovered self love and has realized that he no longer has a need for friends or activities.
Madison wants to hang with kids from another church because that’s an easy way to rebel and she’s clearly looking to get far away from the lifestyle. Creepy Logan will go to whatever activities they get signed up for because he’s the “perfect” one.
It doesn’t sound like any decisions have been made, and the teenagers ask permission to go back to their lives. The parents stay behind to talk, and Robin makes a good point. If going to any old church is not big deal, then what is the point of living their lifestyle? Robin clearly is struggling with her decision and has to hold onto the idea that their life is god’s will.
Enough with the tension and moral dilemmas! The backyard is almost done – they’ve put in a little lawn, a playhouse. Their child labor force did a nice job. It’s probably just the way the cameraman shot the footage, but it looks like no one is watching the baby. It’s especially unsettling when the baby is in the play pool – IT ONLY TAKES SECONDS PEOPLE!
There's 200 people in this family and none of them appear to be watching the baby.
To be fair, the backyard is chock full o’ kids and I don’t recognize most of them – do they have to take roll every morning? It’s too confusing for me. They need to wear nametags.
While the group admires their handiwork while the younger kids play in the new yard, Janelle informs us that she has the TEENAGER pool (a.k.a. real pool) at her house. Can’t you just let the other wife enjoy her new backyard without one-upping her?? Poor lonely Meri says they can use her pool too. She doesn’t remind the group that her empty pool is a stark reminder of her empty uterus but we all know. AWKWARD.
The older kids need a fun outlet, so they have another pool party at the “real” pool. Kody is a little sketch about having a coed pool party. Some of the parents of their kids’ friends stop by and one dad asks Kody if he is uncomfortable with the fact that it’s a coed party. Um, there’s like two boys outside and they are related to most of the girls – get your mind out of the gutter, Monomgamist! I’m sure that’s not what he really wanted to ask Kody about…
"Let me get this straight: you get to have sex with four different women on a regular basis and not only are they not mad, they APOLOGIZE to you for getting jealous?! TEACH ME EVERYTHING, LORD OF THE BLEACHED HAIR!"
Kody reassures the other Dad and lets him know that he has deputized Creepy Logan to protect the hymen harem in the backyard. There’s one no-show at the party – Moody Hunter. He skipped the party to be alone in his room and mom doesn’t know what he is doing. I know – he’s playing WoW and sinning. Or not – he went over to Christine’s to hang out with the baby. Probably because the baby isn’t nagging him about his social life. It’s also a power play – nothing says “screw you, mom” like confiding in your other mom. Janelle says that this is great – yeah, like Meri thinks Robin’s pregnancy is GREAT. JUST GREAT.
Kody and the wives are surprised at the caliber of friends their kids have made. Who did you think your kids were hanging out with?? Whatevs. I hate to burst their bubble, but their kids probably have other friends who didn’t come to the party. After all, juvenile delinquents generally don’t go to pool parties without a keg, so I’m not surprised that only the well behaved friends showed up. Punch and pie is for pussies.
On the next episode – the teenagers want to go on a group date! Sex should be saved for AFTER high school! Robin’s pregnancy may be in jeopardy! The wives still don’t understand how to layer shirts fashionably! We’re quite behind on SW, so I’ll be bringing you an ultramega DOUBLE RECAP later this week!
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53 Comments
Very very nice. Aside from always enjoying seeing my name in other people’s recaps (because I’m easily excited) I also enjoyed all the parts that didn’t have my name in them. Welcome to the ‘Gasm. This show is a blast to recap.
Really great job on the recap of this train wreck, LadyBaldy! You had me laughing on page one and I’m always skeptical of new recappers. I love you already!
P.S. I thought the exact same thing when I saw the “cold sore” on Robyn’s lip. uh huh….
Looking forward to seeing more of your wonderful snark!
Cold sore spotted and noted, along with thoughts of all the Herpes sores appearing on four vaginas and one penis. Yuck. Herpes is definitely being multiplied instead of divided so go Kody, you succeeded. I don’t get why these ladies are jealous of spending time with that greasy-haired hypocritical douche!
well…the douche obviously has money. he’s renting 4 really nice houses in Vegas for his brood(s) AND provide each wife with, at minimum, 730 shirts/blouses per year.
Could the polygparents have misplayed that whole Youth Group thing any worse? Because I’m sure the best way to get a teenager to do something is to announce “We, as a family, have decided to involve you in a Youth Group.” Maybe hand them a pamphlet and say “If this looks like fun, we’ll give you a ride over there?”?? That’s probably why Hunter would rather stay in his room and post vaguely suicidal Facebook updates than suffer a sit-down talk with Bro-dad. He can’t handle any more of the self-important, camera-aware speechifying.
And, Bro-dad, you’re kids might go over there and play effing ping pong after school. Maybe dial back the religious discrimination paranoia back to 11, huh?
When they were prattling on about missing the loving support and warm hugs of their church, my wife asked “Isn’t there a Mormon church in Las Vegas?” And I was thinking yeah, there’s got to be. But then I realized: the Mormon church there probably doesn’t want to touch these people with a 10-meter cattle prod.
Meri should start watching her calorie intake, lest her ass become a moon that gets dragged into orbit around Janelle’s massive gravity well.
LadyBaldy–You had me at Downtown Kody Brown!! Now don’t get me wrong, but I can totally understand why Robin went to Meri in private and told her that she was preggs. When all you want in life is to have children and something is keeping you from that, it is hard. HARD! The last thing you want to hear is someone close to you is having a baby. Lets just say, I know what Meri is going through…
Christine is grating on my nerves! She wanted this life. But now she isn’t so sure. I missed this weeks epi but I saw the same damn commercial like 1 bazillion times. “if my kids don’t choose this life, did I do something wrong as a mother” No you dumb cow. You did something right! You showed your kids that it is ok for them to choose what they want in life. You taught them that it is ok for them to be themselves and be the people that they want to be…Out of all the wives, I think that Christine is the most jelous of Robin.
I also feel alittle sorry for Janelle. She was working full time, to help support the family. She went from being at work all day to being at home with some sullen/suicidal teeanager all day long. I can see how Janelle is frazzeled. She had to drain savings for them to pack up and move. She has a son that hates everyone and everything. It was her daughter that said, “you guys taught us to think for ourselves”
Btw LB-yes you can have your own “church” session at home. I was Mormon for a minute…ok Technically I am. I converted! Then MR Z came along, and snapped my ass out of it! When I was in transition, I met with the “brothers” twice a week. We would go to different peoples houses and have bible time. Then it got hard because they didn’t like that I was working at Starbucks and that I worked on Sunday and Wednesdays!! One of the couples that I met, well they were nice, but I could not go from being my normal talkative crazy self, to being someone that just sat on the sidelines and only spoke when spoken to.
ps, I personally think that Kody wants to be Jim Bob Duggar!! Yes I watch that show too, but I just love the little Duggar kids Johanna and Jackson, they are hilarious!
Great recap! I don’t watch this show but I do love reading about it.
Awww, thanks you guys!
thisbuggs4u – I totally get you – I think Robin HAD to tell Meri first and in private, and I have to say I have NO IDEA how Meri deals with her feelings and pain over not being able to have more kids, especially when other women keep getting pregnant by the man SHE wants to have babies with!! I get irritated with people at work who get the last Diet Coke in the vending machine, leaving me with no diet options! I can’t even imagine what it would be like to be Meri, and I think she deals pretty well.
I feel for Janelle too – so much of her identity and self-esteem are based on her ability to support the family and her professional accomplishments. I think they’re all handling the stress of their move as best they can, and they’re certainly handling better than I did when I was a teenager and we moved from Los Angeles to Nowhere, AZ. Hunter is at least being quiet. I had to let everyone in my family know how much I hated EVERYTHING on a regular basis.
As much as polygamy is so not for me, the family is growing on me. Except Kody – he still has this “Children of the Corn / Pod People” thing going on that is unsettling.
I started thinking about this when Big Love started. When I first started thinking about it (believe it or not polygamy is not first in my mind) I thought – cool! I should do that! I’d only have to put up with some man’s BS every fourth day, I’d have at least three baby sitters at the ready, and I could always institute “family meal” and mooch someone else’s home cooking. Dream come true, right?
But then I remembered that my husband would be sticking his quill in at least 3 other inkpots and thought – nevermind! Maybe it isn’t such a hot idea.
Oh well, back to the drawing board for me!
The move to Vegas was completely unnecessary. I’m from Utah, sadly enough, and the state attorney general, an ass named Mark Shurtleff, is far too busy accepting questionable donations and bitching about how the BCS is breaking anti-trust laws to even consider prosecuting the dangerous polygamists like Warren Jeffs, let alone harmless polygamists like Cody.
@chickenlips-LOL! just freaking LOL!
If one of my girlfriends was hot for my husband, I am not exactly sure what I would do. If she wanted to become his wife I would tell her to go fluck herself and to never speak to me again. There is no way in hell I would share MR Z! I have a really hard time when one of his friends from high school tells him on facebook that she misses him and that she loves him….I have never met this woman, and I am not so sure that I want to, I just may end up kickin her ass…
As for the moving part. I know what Janelle/family are going through. It was hard for me moving from Seattle/family, friends, job and home-to San Diego. Yes I did have a job when we moved, but still. We lived there for 3 years, and it was about the time that we were getting ready to move home that I actually made friends….I can see some of the older kids moving back to Utah the minute they graduate from high school.
I was not a very good Mormon…Hello I worked at Starbucks, I actually married a sailor while I was converting! I smoked and drank, and I was going to school back then. Oh, and I was also a nanny.
Is it a sign that since the recap came out for the show today, that at 6:30 tonight I got a knock on the door by 2 Mormon boys? I know they were doing God’s work, but I did not answer the door because I was in my jammie pants and a tank top, I didn’t feel like putting on a bra and I was also on the phone…oh and my apartment is a mess cause we are moving next month….am I going straight to hell?
LB looking forward to the next recap. I am going to see if I can find the epi online. Keep up the great work.
I would just like to say that I know how to spell “monogamist” most of the time. Carry on.
thisbuggs4u, you’re not going to hell. You’re going to Outer Darkness. Duh.
I never ever believed in the church, so I’ll be enjoying the telestial kingdom, even though I spent six months having naughty lesbian sex with a devout Mormon girl who had never broken the law of chastity before.
Aaaaaaaaand themiki became my favorite person ever.
I always jokingly ask a friend of mine if she wants to be a sister wife. She really wants to get married and her mother always says she would like us to find her a guy like my husband (who is great btw). But really, I only joke about it because she is a good cook and likes to clean. LOL
Yup, another vote for themiki. Same-sex seduction of chaste Mormon chicks FTW!
@LadyBaldy: Do you think Captain Creamsicle really listens to his kids, though? At first, I thought he was showing some coolness about that, but then I started realizing that he always uses that “Excellent question, and I’m really glad you came to me with this…” bullshit. And most of the time, he follows with “…but, we make these decisions as a family, and, as head of the family, the decision is mine, so…” That second part isn’t always stated, but I feel like it’s definitely there. Maybe I’m not giving him enough credit?
@thisbuggs4u: Maybe I have the same Mormon boys in my neighborhood. I’m not interested in being converted. (I’m already Christian-ish, what do they want!!), but I will say they’re polite, and don’t wear their pants down around their ass, so I’ll give the LDS that–the LDS don’t like scrubs and gangstas.
As far as the move to Utah being completely unnecessary, I lean toward that to, but it’s hard to know with the editing. As far as what was filmed, NOTHING EVER HAPPENED. The Browns kept squawking about how they were in limbo, didn’t know what was going on, didn’t know what their situation was… and then they just absconded. I don’t even know if the law in Utah ever even approached them. Meri lost her job, that sucks, but that could have happened in NV, too. Again, so much blah blah in the confessionals about nothing much happening in real life.
Hey, Lady and Foggy!! I am your fellow Auditiongasm survivor! Break legs, y’all – we’re all in this together and you two are off to a super start! Woo hoo for the class of 2011! XXOO
Why is it that a man might want multiple wives but I have never met a woman who would want more than one husband?
@bautin
Isn’t Warren Jeffs in jail serving a life sentence?
“Why is it that a man might want multiple wives but I have never met a woman who would want more than one husband?”
It’s just so hard to train the first one!
@Mimo Yes he is, thanks to Texas.
I think the idea of one man with multiple women, or one woman with multiple men, is just not a great one because of jealousy. Plus, one person is certainly spreading themselves thin. In sci-fi books by Robert Heinlein, he describes an alternative that he calls line families. This form of group marriage consists of a family unit which continues to add new spouses of both sexes over time so that the marriage does not end.
One of his most famous books, The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress, describes line families in detail. The characters argue that the line family creates economic continuity and parental stability in an unpredictable, dangerous environment. The family is portrayed as economically comfortable because improvements and investments made by previous spouses compounded, rather than being lost between generations. Heinlein also makes it a point that this family is racially diverse. All the adults co-parent all the children. And there is always someone to spend time with because there are several adults of both genders.
While this is totally fictional, I have always thought that if you were going to forego monogamy, this would be the way to go. Thoughts?
“Isn’t Warren Jeffs in jail serving a life sentence?”
Yes he is, right here in Texas. Not for being a polygamist, but for aggravated sexual assault of children. Specifically two teenaged girls ages 12 and 15.
@Lola, I find what you’re talking about intriguing I’ll be looking for that book in my local library soon. BTW,thanks, I was looking for some new reading material.
Kittkatt – all his books are fabulous.. He wrote A TON so if you enjoy his writing you’re in for a lot of new reading material. He is most famous for The Moon is A Harsh Mistress (really good) and Stranger in a Strange Land (not one of my favorites). He also wrote a lot of books related to Moon (he got kind of crazy in his old age and a LOT of characters overlap back in forth between the books in what I find to be really cool but some find confusing way). Other good ones are The Cat that walks through Walls, and To Sail Beyond the Sunset. Can’t think of others of the top of my head, but they’re all great! Hope you enjoy.
Fantastic recap – Empty pool-empty Uterus – cracking up..
And Lady Baldy, I will come over to your place for Sunday worship, watch craptastic tv and I will even bring an offering basket of your favorite beverage and snacks !
Great recap!! Thanks LadyBaldy! You rock!
The cold sore thing grossed me out to the max. I wonder if it started with Robin or Cody. Ewwwwww
I keep noticing the sleeveless shirts over the other shirts. I know Mormons of any kind have a fit if any skin is showing, but c’mon. Don’t walk around looking like a moron. Buy something decent looking already. Can’t wait for the double recap!
“If you don’t go to church today you can’t talk on the phone or watch tv.”
It was the 70′s. We had 3 tv channels and we could talk to our friends the next day. We could still listen to the whole Top 40′s on the AM radio and read or nap so we did not care.
I think it is funny that all the moms do that with their clothes except for Janelle. She is always in button up shirts. Take a hint ladies, Janelle has it right. Yes they may not be the most flattering, but you look a bit more with the times. I also thought it was funny that they were trying to get one of the older girls to cover up the girls! Hell I am 31, and I have a hard time keeping my girls in check!! I do layer tanks under shirts, but I make for damn sure that my girls aren’t hangin out!! The again I have never been big on if you got it flaunt it. I gotta keep these DD’s in check! I guess it could be worse… then Duggar women, all they wear are skirts! For some reason they don’t wear pants….I would rather wear pants then skirts every freakin day.
About Robin and her special gift that keeps on giving. If she can’t take any oral meds for it, wouldn’t ya run out and get some Abreva or something?! You would think that if that shit is going around like wild fire one of the other wives would have something in the medicine cabnet! Also, if you noticed someone had a breakout, wouldn’t you want to stay away from kissing them? Duh, common sence people.!
@thisbuggs4u Me too! I saw “Downtown Kody Brown” and was like nope, I’ll have to read it later. Which is good I did because I laughed the whole time!
Lady Baldy I agree that oldest one is creepy. He’s like a polygamist Stepford teen, Plus he’s the paternity test image of Captain Creamsicle, which would be weird enough by itself.
I think the minute she’s 18 Meri’s daughter’s going to get herself a prairie dress and go sign up with one of those Juniper Creek style groups.
My guess is the rest of them won’t end up being polygamists at all.
They moved to Vegas to keep their family from being split up but now they live all spread out so they sort of got split up anyway.
Do the scenes of them all together look more staged and set up this season or is it just me?
kthxbai
LadyBaldy girl! Congrats to you as well for making the TVGasm cut! We go, girl!
Good luck with the Mormons – remind me to tell you about the time I dated a Mormon guy and the Mormon home office tracked him down to my lil’ West LA apt and were threatening me. Oh yeah, fun! They are some crazy bitches.
xoxo – foggy
@foggy-I wanna hear that story!! When I was converting I was a live in nanny, so the Mormon boys would always show up in the afternoon right as I was putting the baby down for a nap. They would knock on the door, the dog would bark, and the baby would cry
The boys that would come over, they were a nice bunch until they found out where I worked and showed up one day…they didn’t want me working Sundays or Wednesdays…
@Foggywood They threatened you?!? That’s scary as shit!
How’d they know he wasn’t helping you learn their ways and turn into a Mormon so the 2 of you could get married in their church?
Was it the official ones with the choir or do you think it was 1 of those breakaway groups or something?
@thisbuggs4u What was wrong with working at Starbucks and being a nanny?
I know some religions are against working on Sunday and some on Friday and Saturday but what’s wrong with Wednesday?
LOL For somebody who’s interested in something I sure am ignorant!
But I bet I’m not the only 1 and I also bet TLC would have at least 1 reality show about Amish if being on TV wasn’t against their religion because of electricity.
kthxbai
@kthxbai: Being a Mormon is actually a full-time job. Aside from the three-hour service on Sundays (and the “No doing any work unless it’s free labor for the church” rule) there’s also Family Home Evening on mondays (three hours, but more if you’re a “good” Mormon), Singles Ward activities on Tuesdays or Thursdays, and Relief Society/Priesthood Meetings on Wednesdays. Also, if you have a Calling then you can hand over another three to fifteen hours a week in free labor. Some people hold multiple callings… Then there’s Home Teaching, where twice a month you visit other members and have bible study, and other members do the same to you. I think the theory is that if they keep you busy enough and involved enough in the church then you won’t have time to get on Google and look up all the startling evidence that the whole religion is a giant fraud set up so Joseph Smith could bang a lot of chicks.
The general Mormon rule is no clothing that your special temple undies are visible through. These are basically like a super frumpy undershirt/boxer-briefs combo (for the men and the women) which are to be worn next to the skin at all times. Girls have to put their bras OVER their garmie tops. It looks ridiculous. I assume that The Browns don’t wear garmies because they’re all excommunicated and stuff, but they do all exhibit Mormon Magic Underwear fashion sense.
Oh, and coffee is strictly forbidden by the church. That’s why working at Starbucks on a Sunday is so horrible.
Yeah, pop was forbidden too…until a Mormon company acquired Pepsi-Cola back in the 80s…
For the most part they worked around my schedule. I was going to school full time also. So if I had a day off from work we did the Ward Meetings. Those were never held at my house because of the baby. There were a few times that I actually carted her with me, that was kind of funny!
Any beverages with cafeine(sp, just woke up!) is a big no-no. I have my book of mormon somewhere! They were almost not going to let me into the church because of a past choice I had made, but The Elders talked to me, and They let me in. Then I got married to my husband a few weeks later and he snapped me out of that phase!! My captcha code is FU2Z! That is funny
What’s funny is that the WoW only forbids “hot beverages” with no mention of caffeine. As a result many Mormons will scold coffee drinkers while pounding Monster Energy Drinks. The church’s official stance is that coffee and tea are officially off limits, and anything else you should pray on and decide for yourself with guidance from the Holy Ghost. I personally would like to think God has better things to do than tell me if it’s okay to have a glass of chocolate milk, but if we’re keeping him busy with this sort of nonsense then it’s no wonder no one’s around to stop the earthquakes and fires and hurricanes.
When I was in High School I remember all the Mormon kids I went to school with went to the temple like everyday at 5am BEFORE work and school. I tried to ask a few Mormon friends about it, but all they said was it was tiring and they sometimes wore their pajamas… Maybe some early am prayer/fellowship? I have been wondering for years what that was about. Any thoughts? BTW GREAT Recap Lady Baldy! I love your humor and sarcasm, keep it up!
@TheMiki Whoa! I got tired just from reading that! I should’ve remembered the coffee thing, duh.
But if they’ve changed the sin part from caffeine to temperature since they bought PepsiCo then at least they can have iced coffee now if they pray 1st? I hope so because it sounds like they’d all be too sleep deprived from all the callings to drive or operate machines.
I’d actually learned about the secret sacred underwear from somewhere. Don’t they have to wear it even in the shower and during sex? (people who want to see some can google, there’s lots of pics) They ought to put it in the dictionary next to “fug”
And thanks for my new vocabulary word “telestial kingdom” I can’t wait to use it in an everyday sentence!
@RunLola It can work if they live where everybody still keeps old ways and all they ever thought about getting married their whole life was an arranged marriage that didn’t have anything to do with love in a romantic way because it’s a different kind of relationship.
They might still be jealous, but it’d be because another wife or husband had more kids or a bigger house or something but not personal romantic jealousy.
But if you take people that grew up all their lives thinking about how 1 day they’ll fall in love and get married to be with that person and try to mix polygamy with love marriage, it’s like fish ice cream.
Or that outfit Catelynn had on in the Teen Mom finale.
There’s stuff you can make go together and look good, and stuff that won’t. I mean you can do it, but it’s going to taste like ass and/or make your butt look fat.
kthxbai
Haha. No, the magic undies don’t have to stay on during showers or sex. I have heard of really die-hard Mormons keeping them on during sex so that their offspring would be created while they were under the protection of their temple covenants. Those people are generally considered effing weird even by other Mormons. They can take them off to shower, swim, have sex, and during certain sports (they’re not specific about which ones, but I’m guessing uniforms have a lot to do with it). They’re expected to wear them the rest of the time, and I have known some that were so convinced of the magical protection provided by their knickers that they would freak out if they had them off. Like they were convinced they’d get hit by truck because their undies weren’t protecting them. The weirdest part to me is that when they get old and worn out you have to cut the magic Mormon symbols out and burn them before throwing the rest of the material away. Throwing away garments with the symbols intact is a major no-no.
The temperature thing never really CHANGED because the WoW only ever said not to partake of hot drinks. After many many years of confusion they came out and just said, “Don’t drink coffee or tea. Figure the rest out for yourself.” I think the church used to take a ‘No Caffeine’ stance on the rule, but the WoW has always just forbidden hot drinks. Try going to an LDS forum and asking about if iced coffee is okay. I read a five page thread where people were debating if it was all right to eat green tea ice cream.
The best religious vocab word of all time comes from the Jehovah’s Witnesses. They invented a word for sexual sins, and that word is “Pornea.” That’s not the best part though. The official definition of Pornea is, “Immoral use of the genitals.” That’s what it says on their website and in their literature and everything. Every time I read that phrase I picture my vagina running a dog fighting ring or knocking over a 7-11.
@breboots 1. Thanks for stealing my name..
2. That’s seminary, not temple
@themiki – LOVE pornea! Also, I’ve always wanted to kick the shit out of a mormon just to prove to them that that freakin’ underwear won’t protect their ass from my foot!
To expound on my earlier entry –
Since my boyfriend had done his “mission” and literally signed into the Book of Mormon, in order to actually quit the church, he needed to be excommunicated. Meaning, they have to kick YOU out, you can’t quit them. So even though you’re happy and gay and living in Brentwood and all is hunky dory – if you haven’t been erased from the Book, in accordance with the Church, you are a wanted member. They come after you.
Its SO super creepy, but its true.
one of the reasons that relationship didn’t last…
@foggywood – Is there an acutal book??? I wonder if anyone has ever had to file a restraining order to keep from being sought…NUTS!
Again, not a member, nor have I ever been (nor did I inhale) – but I was told there is an actual book that every member signs their name into to become a full member of the church.
And to remove your name from the actual book, they need to find you and excommunicate you.
Just my experience and what I learned.
Not being able to drink coffee would be like Hell to me, so I’d rather sin than live in damnation. But if I sinned wouldn’t I burn anyway? Do they believe in Hell or something else? And I thought my Catholic upbringing was a mess.
Anyway, my BFF in Jr.High was a boy who was Morman and all it meant to me was once a month his family would take me to churches all over North Texas and we would partake in a dance type youth party with punch and cookies. It was kinda fun.
Oh and if I remember correctly, if you were doing your mission, you couldn’t go swimming or ride in cars which was fucked up to me cuz Texas summers ain’t no joke.
Cutting out the magic symbols when they get old and worn out is for the underwear, not the actual Mormons, right?
If so that’s not that weird. Lots of religions have stuff you can’t throw away. Like pics of Hindu gods or Korans or Bibles or Torah scrolls and prayer flags and probably holy cards.
Pornea sounds like a kingdom in a Tolkien book. I bet as soon as it gets on google enough somebody’s going to name their baby that.
If you take the religion out of it the story about golden plates and magic crystals and stuff would make a great fantasy novel. So if Joseph Smith had lived in modern times it might’ve been him instead of Peter Jackson getting all those Oscars.
Debates on religious forums are a hoot. I’ve seen ones with like 20 pages about whether you can use toothpaste before sundown during Ramadan in case you swallow some by accident or if holding a boy’s hand messes up your Christian purity and ruins you for marriage if it’s part of a game and not so you can touch that one boy.
It’s like those those cupcakes that have like 5 times more frosting than cupcake all made into fancy sculptures of things. But when you think about it, the reason they’re so popular is because so many people like the frosting best.
Oh that reminds me. I have a food decoration tip: If you want something to be gold or silver or sparkly like on Cake Boss, you can use the same colored mica you make eyeshadow with! That’s what they use except they get it at a different place and pay more $.
Every time I see WoW I think of JWoW on Jersey Shore.
Maybe somebody will start a rumor that she’s secretly a Mormon that got erased from the book for drinking coffee without her secret sacred underwear on and that’s her secret protest code name.
kthxbai
@foggywood – Once you’re baptized you’re on the records of the church. Being excommunicated doesn’t actually remove you completely from that book because a lot of excommunicated members are working to re-earn their membership in the church. For the Mormon church a lot of cases of excommunication are like suspension. You lose your blessings and callings and you can’t take the sacrament, but the goal (unless you do something really awful like being a gay) is to get you to repent and return to full membership. You CAN formally resign. It involves sending a letter into the office in SLC. Depending on who you are, where you live, and what your history is that is sometimes all it takes. One letter, they might request you meet with your local bishop just to let him know your reasons for leaving, and then you’re out. Some people get harassed by church members because they become “Reactivation Projects.” If the ward is after you they will “Love-bomb” you like mad. Love-bombing means doing all sorts of crap like making cookies and visiting you and telling you you’re so loved and missed and blah blah. It’s the tactic most often used to reactivate. Most of the time when the church goes nuts trying to get you back it’s because you have family still in the church and they’re sending missionaries to your house and telling them where you live and talking about the fate of your soul being in peril during Fast and Testimony Meeting. I hear it can also be really hard to resign if you’re Mormon Royalty, meaning you’re a direct decendent of either the original SLC founding Mormons or a prophet or member of the Twelve.
@kittkatt — No matter how bad you are on earth, unless you have a witness of the Holy Ghost and then deny him you go to the Telestial Kingdom. That’s heaven, but the lowest level. If you’re a really good person but not a Mormon, or a Mormon but not a very good person, you to to the Terrestrial Kingdom. All but the most elect go there. The super obedient perfect Mormons who get endowed in the temple and keep their covenants get to go to the Celestial Kingdom, which is ALSO made up of three levels. The top level requires that you be sealed in a Mormon temple on earth (no singles allowed) and in that level you learn to be a god. Then you and your eternal companion get to have sex in heaven to make lots of spirit babies to populate the planet that you will get to rule over as Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. There’s not Hell, but there is Outer Darkness. It’s just that. Outside the kingdoms and dark. And there’s something about the gnashing of teeth… No one but ex-Mormons needs to worry about that though, so really it’s better to just never join.
@kthnxbai, funny shit here because: One of the most frequently mocked Mormon lessons was one where a bishop would lead a lesson for teens and young singles. Said bishop would pass around a plate of cupcakes, but first he would lick a big chunk of frosting off one of them in front of everyone. When the plate came back with the licked cupcake still on it the bishop would tell all the girls that if they were too generous with their kisses or made out with tongues then they would become licked cupcakes. And no one wants the licked cupcake so no one would want you. Yeah. Way to fuck up the youth of America, guys. I do enjoy referring to myself as a cupcake licker now though, so it’s not all bad. Also, what you said about JWoW is funny because Mormons get secret names when they go through the temple for the first time. It’s their temple name and they are never to disclose it to ANYONE. The wives tell their husbands, but that’s it. Husbands don’t even tell their wives. The theory is that after you die that the name your husband will use to call your spirit from the grave and lead you into the Celestial Kingdom, because you’re just a girl and you can’t get in there by yourself.
Okay, are we all caught up on our Mormonism 101 for the week? Anyone else got any questions?
@themiki OMG my head is trying so hard to not explode! I thought telestial kingdom was YOUR word to describe being in a state of viewing reality shows about Mormons!
Good thing I found out before I had a chance to use it in an everyday sentence, like “Gotta Go, Pizza’s here, which means time for me to hit the telestial kingdom and watch Sister Wives.”
I read a really sad story about the secret name thing. It was I guess a disgruntled previous Mormon who’d been a temple worker. It was this ceremony where people put white clothes on and the husbands would get behind a big curtain and stick their hand through and pull their wives over to the other side of it.
Is that the same one you mean?
They’d do it for whole bunches of people at the time and 1 of the things that disgruntled the writer was that they’d give everybody getting it done that day the same name!
But the people didn’t know that. To them it was like the most special day in their lives and they’d save up and look forward to it for years and be so excited about getting their very own secret name.
But it was just a mass produced name, like they didn’t rate anybody sitting down and thinking about what would be a good 1 for each person. Spanish priests used to do the same thing to huge bunches of people in Latin America when they’d baptize them which is why to this day there are so many people named Maria and Jose. And probably another reason I thought it was so sad.
Anyway thanks for being so patient and educating me.
kthxbai
Yep, totally true. If you forget your temple name you can check what it was by telling your bishop which temple you received your endowments from and on which day. There’s one name for the women and one name for the men on any given day, and they start with the same letter. So there are ‘M’ days and ‘J’ days and so on. They don’t tell you that, but it’s not so much a secret anymore. Probably because of all the disgruntled temple workers on the internet. I can link you to a full walk-through of everything that goes on in the temple, but basically you change into temple clothes, which are RIDICULOUS looking. The men look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy and the women have to wear veils the entire time. You either watch a movie about all the kingdoms of heaven (and about the garden of eden and the plan of salvation and all that stuff) or get a live walk-thru version. It depends on how big and well-financed the temple you’re attending is. You learn four secret handshakes and four ‘tokens’ that you give at the veil. When you get to the veil you tap three times with a mallet and the veil worker on the other side says, “What is wanted?” The temple worker gives a speech about the faithful servant seeking further light and knowledge, and through the veil the newly endowed will do the first secret handshake. The temple worker asks for the name of the handshake (actually, he asks, “Has it a name?”) and the new guy gives it to him through the veil. Repeat for four different handshakes, which are called:
First Token: Whatever new name you were given in the temple that day
Second Token: Pay Lay Ale (“Oh God, Hear the words coming out of my mouth”)
Third Token: The Sure Sign of the Nail
Fourth Token: Health in the navel, marrow in the bones, strength in the loins and in the sinews. Power in the priesthood be upon me and my posterity through all generations of time and throughout all eternity.
And then they can go through the veil into the Celestial Room, which is supposed to represent what the Celestial Kingdom will be like.
That’s just the short version. There’s too much weirdness to type it all out in one post. If you get super curious I can give you a link to the entire ceremony.
This is so facinating to me. You are a good teacher themiki.
Take Care, Robin
“One time my Dad and I went to a bar and they didn’t have Ketel One, and he had to have Stoli- and, you know what? I can’t even talk about it. Too soon.” WTF, you can’t use my life without asking…and Soylent Green is still…people. Spoiler Alert.
I did ask you after about five martinis! You also promised to loan me some money and start a band with me, WTF happened??