***We’re a little behind on this season’s Sister Wives, but we’re making up for it with a catch up week of hilary recaps by the newest nut on the gasm tree. And now, ladies and gents, we are proud to welcome our newest ass kicking recapper to the fold with part one of a Sister Wives mini marathon. Give it up for LadyBaldy!
Church is even more boring when it’s at home and mere feet away from all the things you would rather be doing
Guess what Gasmii! Your favorite reality show about women who want to sleep with the same man even though he’s kinda gross is BACK! No, it’s not The Girls Next Door. Or Rock of Love. of Flava of Love. Or Jersey Shore. Dammit, why are there so many disgusting men getting ridiculous amounts of ass on my TV??
It’s your other-other-other favorite show, Sister Wives! The show is back for Season THREE, and it’s my honor and privilege to recap it for you. I love TheMiki’s take on the show, and I hope to do this show justice. Get ready to watch in awe and confusion as four women try to convince themselves that they are happy with 1/4th of a husband!
Previously on Sister Wives: Downtown Kody Brown moved his harem circus family to Las Vegas to escape a criminal investigation in Utah. Nobody hates polygamy more than Utah. Here’s an SAT-style analogy for you:
Ex-Smokers : Smokers :: Mormons : LDS Polygamists.
I don’t blame the Mormons for cracking down; they don’t need more image problems. They don’t have a Tom Cruise to serve as an ambassador for their religion; instead, they get Mitt Romney and Warren Jeffs. Romney is not scary until he talks, but Warren Jeffs will give you nightmares.
He was Cruise-ified for your sins!
Appealing to no one
Where do you go when THE MAN wants to lock you up for “multiplying” your love instead of dividing it? VEGAS BABY! Anything goes in the land of casinos, prostitution and Cirque du Soleil shows at every turn. There weren’t any Motel-6 properties for lease, so each wife has her own house. Poor Kody! He used to be able to rotate through his husbandly duties without having to set foot outside. Now he’s all over the damn place. His life probably looks a lot like a Family Circus cartoon:
Kody gets around - he's the Mormon 2Pac
The first wife, Meri, only has one kid, a teenage girl. Meri has insecurity issues and pain from not being able to have more children, so naturally she lives blocks away from everyone else. Good plan, everybody. She probably cries a lot.
Robyn, the fourth / youngest / skinniest wife is pregnant – FINALLY – they’ve been married how long now? Woman, you were not brought into this family to make friends and hang out, you were brought in to MULTIPLY the love. Nice to see you’re finally taking your role seriously . She has to head over to Meri’s isolation shack to break the news to her first. Robin is super worried because Meri was only able to have one child, and when your motto is “love should be multiplied, not divided,” having one kid is like having to watch your friends party on Cinco de Mayo while you drink a soda because you lost the designated driver coin toss.
Robin breaks the news and Meri lets out a really unconvincing “Yay!” She kind of whispers it. She doesn’t break down sobbing and try to strangle Robin, which is good for Robin but boring for us.
The many faces of being happy for your Sister Wife
Meri is actually really cool about it and wants to support her. I cannot understand how they are talking about being knocked up by the guy they are BOTH sleeping with (and sharing with two other women). Where I come from, that’s usually how epic bar fights start. I think Meri is happy to have a gal pal that isn’t the other two. Kody says some nonsense about how Meri and Robin are besties and have so much in common. From what I can tell the things they have in common are:
1) They both layer summer tops over long-sleeved shirts. (NOTE: I have a serious problem with this. This look was not cute in the 90’s and it’s not cute now. If it’s about modesty, THEY MAKE CUTE LONG SLEEVED SHIRTS. BUY ONE ALREADY).
2) They’re both banging Kody.
"I'm sooo happy that you're not mad about me being impregnated with the child you wanted! Or that your husband married yet another woman! Or that I'm a size 6! Besties FOREVER, LOL!"
All to soon it’s time to tell the rest of the family. Robin is really worried about how the rest of the family will react. Robin, honey: THIS IS WHY YOU WERE BROUGHT ON BOARD. I don’t get nervous about telling my co-workers that I do my job, and neither should you. The entire clan comes over to Meri’s house and Robin breaks the news. The other wives and the little ones are excited, but the teenagers are less than thrilled.
You're definitely not getting iPods for Christmas this year! BUT YAY BABY, amirite? Hello?
It sure seems like the love is being divided, not multiplied, but I got a B in algebra, so what do I know? I feel for those kids – there’s nothing like getting 1/20th of your father’s attention to make you feel special! Also, teenagers don’t like to be confronted with the fact that their dad is boning multiple people.
Meri’s daughter takes it especially hard because she knows her mom can’t have any more kids. Good job on making your daughter co-dependent! I can relate. One time my Dad and I went to a bar and they didn’t have Ketel One, and he had to have Stoli- and, you know what? I can’t even talk about it. Too soon.
Robin explains to us that a child is a physical manifestation of intimacy so when your sister wife gets pregnant, the other wives can no longer ignore the fact they they’re sharing a man and they have to work harder to tamp down the jealousy. Or, as I would put it, a baby just reminds you that your husband is banging a skinny chick with the same peen he’s sharing with another two women. That’s tough stuff. She keeps talking but I am distracted by her outfit and the other physical manifestation of intimacy, a.k.a. her cold sore.
Apparently a baby is not the only thing Kody has given Robin
Robin’s baby isn’t the only upheaval causing drama. Janelle is in a bad place because she actually had a job back in Utah and now she is in Nevada and she can’t find a job as she is not qualified to deal blackjack or haggle prices at a pawn shop. I don’t blame her for being crushed. They are now broke AND she has to be with the family 24-7.
Hunter, one of Janelle’s sons, is responding to all of the change like any normal teenager – he’s withdrawn, sullen, and only provides one word answers to questions. I can’t imagine how sheltered these poor kids are and now they’re in Vegas. Hunter doesn’t want to play football with the non-Mormons. Kody is struggling with how to deal – push or leave him alone. Let me just clear this one up for you – LEAVE HIM ALONE. It’s totally normal for him to isolate for a while. Let me clear one other thing up for you as well: orange shirt + white pants = human creamsicle. Don’t ever wear this again. You’re welcome.
No one wants to confide in a man dressed like a Popsicle.
Since the LDS church doesn’t care for poly-families, the Browns have their own church services in one of their homes. Logan explains this to us in a way that is too articulate for a teenage boy and something about him creeps me out. Hunter is acting like a normal teenager and Logan sounds like he’s running for a seat on the city council.
The moms are trying to get everyone ready to play church but many of the kids are trying to get out of it. Janelle’s daughter FORGOT church was today, which is so obviously bullshit because no kid forgets that they have church because church is BORING and it’s like going to school on Sunday. In fact, it IS going to school on Sunday but you have to dress up. None of the teenagers want to play church because they’re over make believe.
Mykelti comes up with the BEST excuse ever -”Daddy, I don’t think you should film church and I feel very strongly about the fact that God thinks what you are doing is an abomination so I’m not going.” NICE! She’s surfing the net while she talks – I’m willing to be she’s looking up minor emancipation laws in Nevada.
Unless you want to be dragged into an awkward discussion about feelings with Captain Creamsicle, remember to clear your internet history!
Kody handles her refusal to attend “church” well, which is cool. I hated being forced to go to church. Or anywhere, for that matter. I respect the fact that he lets his kids at least argue their case. My parents would have been like “no one gives a shit about what you want now smile for the camera and read your bible.” Kody is sermonizing – is that allowed (and is “sermonizing” a word?) Can anyone just decide to lead services? I don’t know anything about church rules. Can I decide to have church in my apartment on Sunday, because I’m pretty sure I could make it to that service. Instead of reading from the Bible, I’m going to watch reality TV as an example of what god probably doesn’t want people doing.
The parents are worried that their kids aren’t getting enough time to socialize with other kids. They go see Pastor Ray (which they say like it’s one word – Pastoray) at the Presbyterian church. Kody tells Pastoray that they want fellowship for the kids ONLY – they do all the religion-y stuff at home. Pastoray reassures them that they will not judge their family, which is very open-minded of him. Then again, they are in Vegas. Churches in Vegas probably can’t afford to moralize. Besides, I’m sure Pastoray has been confronted with racier things than the Brown family.
Just as Pastoray is reassuring them that his church would be great for their kids, Christine (blonde wife #3) bursts into tears and shuts it down. She is upset because she doesn’t want her kids fraternizing with those dirty Presbyterians – it’s a slippery slope. Today you’re a Presbyterian, tomorrow you’re swinging from a stripper pole and only married to one person!
She felt WRONG the whole time she was at the church – that was Pastor Ray judging you in his head. Meri points out that a Presbyterian youth group is better than nothing and Janelle wisely points out that this is a family discussion and they should talk to the kids. Again, I’m impressed that the kids get to be included in the discussion. So not how things operated in the Baldy family.
Blonde Mom #3 is pimping her back yard to try and cheer up one of her kids who is struggling to adjust to life in Vegas. Her daughter loved to play in the yard back in Utah, but the yard in Vegas sucks. There’s a ladder to nowhere, a deflated pool and a shit ton of rocks. And scorpions. I know this from experience people.
Their built-in labor force gets to work to fix the yard. They’re building a playhouse and stuff – it’s like an old fashioned barn raising!
Polygamy is illegal. You know what else is illegal? CHILD LABOR.
LAter, the “to youth group or not to youth group” discussion resumes at the house. Wife #1 and #2 think the ends justify the means – church is just another venue for the kids to make friends, like school. Kody wants to seek out an LDS church instead. Janelle is like, I don’t really give a shit, I need a place for my kid to go hang out with other teenagers so I don’t have to deal with his attitude.
They summon the Brown Family Teen Council. The teenagers are suspicious – is SOMEONE ELSE pregnant?? The parents ask if the kids have made friends, and if those friends have the same values as they do. Yeah, that’s what motivates teen bonds – CORE VALUES. As long as those core values are related to your taste in music, whether or not you do drugs, and which people you collectively shit on to stay afloat in the anarchic social cesspool that is high school. Kody wisely clarifies the question – do their friends have the values that Moms and Dad want them to have! The kids are less vocal with that one. Kody doesn’t just dress like a teenager, he thinks like one too and he knows that their friendships are probably based upon their position on Katy Perry and Vampire Diaries.
The parents present their church youth group idea. I know they think this is a way for their kids to meet other kids with shared values, but youth group is pretty much where I learned what ecstasy, pot, and dry humping are.
One of the kids asks why not find an LDS church and Kody explains his concern that the local LDS will reject them. Mykelti is fine with going to another church – of course she is – she’s going to sign the guestbook at the local Jewish temple before she runs off with her friends to shoplift nail polish and hang out at the Sonic. Janelle asks if Hunter is interested in socializing at all, and he says no. I’m pretty sure I’ve figured out what has happened here – Hunter has discovered self love and has realized that he no longer has a need for friends or activities.
Madison wants to hang with kids from another church because that’s an easy way to rebel and she’s clearly looking to get far away from the lifestyle. Creepy Logan will go to whatever activities they get signed up for because he’s the “perfect” one.
It doesn’t sound like any decisions have been made, and the teenagers ask permission to go back to their lives. The parents stay behind to talk, and Robin makes a good point. If going to any old church is not big deal, then what is the point of living their lifestyle? Robin clearly is struggling with her decision and has to hold onto the idea that their life is god’s will.
Enough with the tension and moral dilemmas! The backyard is almost done – they’ve put in a little lawn, a playhouse. Their child labor force did a nice job. It’s probably just the way the cameraman shot the footage, but it looks like no one is watching the baby. It’s especially unsettling when the baby is in the play pool – IT ONLY TAKES SECONDS PEOPLE!
There's 200 people in this family and none of them appear to be watching the baby.
To be fair, the backyard is chock full o’ kids and I don’t recognize most of them – do they have to take roll every morning? It’s too confusing for me. They need to wear nametags.
While the group admires their handiwork while the younger kids play in the new yard, Janelle informs us that she has the TEENAGER pool (a.k.a. real pool) at her house. Can’t you just let the other wife enjoy her new backyard without one-upping her?? Poor lonely Meri says they can use her pool too. She doesn’t remind the group that her empty pool is a stark reminder of her empty uterus but we all know. AWKWARD.
The older kids need a fun outlet, so they have another pool party at the “real” pool. Kody is a little sketch about having a coed pool party. Some of the parents of their kids’ friends stop by and one dad asks Kody if he is uncomfortable with the fact that it’s a coed party. Um, there’s like two boys outside and they are related to most of the girls – get your mind out of the gutter, Monomgamist! I’m sure that’s not what he really wanted to ask Kody about…
"Let me get this straight: you get to have sex with four different women on a regular basis and not only are they not mad, they APOLOGIZE to you for getting jealous?! TEACH ME EVERYTHING, LORD OF THE BLEACHED HAIR!"
Kody reassures the other Dad and lets him know that he has deputized Creepy Logan to protect the hymen harem in the backyard. There’s one no-show at the party – Moody Hunter. He skipped the party to be alone in his room and mom doesn’t know what he is doing. I know – he’s playing WoW and sinning. Or not – he went over to Christine’s to hang out with the baby. Probably because the baby isn’t nagging him about his social life. It’s also a power play – nothing says “screw you, mom” like confiding in your other mom. Janelle says that this is great – yeah, like Meri thinks Robin’s pregnancy is GREAT. JUST GREAT.
Kody and the wives are surprised at the caliber of friends their kids have made. Who did you think your kids were hanging out with?? Whatevs. I hate to burst their bubble, but their kids probably have other friends who didn’t come to the party. After all, juvenile delinquents generally don’t go to pool parties without a keg, so I’m not surprised that only the well behaved friends showed up. Punch and pie is for pussies.
On the next episode – the teenagers want to go on a group date! Sex should be saved for AFTER high school! Robin’s pregnancy may be in jeopardy! The wives still don’t understand how to layer shirts fashionably! We’re quite behind on SW, so I’ll be bringing you an ultramega DOUBLE RECAP later this week!