Sister Wives: The Other Other Other Woman

Polygamy is HOT these days. HOT I TELL YOU! Big Love is one of my favorite shows, so I read The 19th Wife, watched the Lifetime movie of the same name, and am now settled in to check out TLC’s Sister Wives. Big Love was hard for me to get into. Mostly because of that cheesy opening where all the wives are ice skating around Bill Paxton, but also because I was just a little skeeved out. After a few episodes, though, I was totally hooked. They might be living a different lifestyle as the rest of us, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have anything in common. For example, as a gay dude, I know what it’s like to be way too tangled up with women and have them calling me all day and night and popping in at weird hours to cry about their problems and generally making me feel insane. I used to call them fag hags, but now I have learned that that title is disparaging and I’ve opted for sister wives instead. So thanks Big Love!

As it turns out, you can be totally comfortable with one polygamist family and totally skeeved out by another. Which brings us to Sister Wives. OK so the first thing we see is the husband guy. He looks like Nick Nolte when he got picked up for drunk driving. TLC, bad move to HD. You should have at least waited until after this show.

Husband is crying at the cameras. He was sobbing one night and didn’t know why, and his wife told him “honey, you’re lovesick and the only cure is a marriage!” My face is already like this:

But cuter, of course.

 

There’re a couple of minutes of “look at all the crazy polygamist shit about to go down tonight!” and it’s so good I am gonna skip it and go over it as it comes. Ingesting this stuff too fast is like having your eyes kept open with toothpicks and being brainwashed with flashing pictures of horrible things like the Dharma initiative did to prisoners on Lost. I want to be gentle.

I’ve only made it through the teaser and already I want to tie myself to some homely bitches and start a brood of little Flips.

Why do you look so much like Mo Collins? Tell me. TELL ME!

A dentist and a botox shot away.

Let’s meet the cast with a fresh spin on the Housewives of Bravo/Big Love opening. Instead of saying shallow things like “I don’t make money, I spend money!”, these wives dress in sweaters and maternity clothes and says things like “ow my vagina please someone get this sex addict away from me I’M NOT A MACHINE!” while fun tinkly music plays and we see shots of them on the ice. That one of the most original shows ever has to rip off an opening is a little confusing. I think it’s to make us comfortable with a little familiarity before they rip the rug out from under us and have us screaming for our mommy(ies).

“I believed in living this lifestyle! It just makes each of us…better!”

You know what else would make you better? A protein shake. What do people have to get so drastic? Janelle is next. She’s a bubbly, happy girl and her line is “I always suspected there would be more wives. I think there’s room for everybody!”

In ma belleh! After this many children my stomach is stretched out to hold more than four minivans full of people.

And Christine. “I wanted a family, not just a man.”

If she had replaced the word “family” with “Porsche”, I’d totally be on her page.

The Husband: “Love should be multiplied, not divided!” I don’t know what that means. How do monogamous couples divide love by not having multiple spouses and thirty something children? Wouldn’t having so many kids and wives make you divide love? I hate math. Things I also hate: flip hair. Goatees. Vaginas.

OK we have absolutely NOTHING in common.

That keychain has way too many keys. Like a lesbian keychain. OMG you guys SYMBOLISM

Utah? Is gorgeous.

The perfect place to settle down and seed multitudes of little white people with flip hair.

We open with the wives shopping for, what else? Baby clothes. Diapers and groceries are the only other things in their budget.

Everything in this show is a group activity, including the confessionals.

The centerpiece represents Kody’s penis.

 

Meri is the first wife. She’s been with Kody twenty years. They only have one child. WTF? The first wife couldn’t keep up with her horny ass husband and figured “let’s bring someone else in so he can stay the f off me.” This might sound cold and calculating, but to me it sounds like a wise woman who figured how to have her cake, eat it, and have some random baby maker mix it bake it and serve it to her on some fine china. Good move, Meri!

I already had my baby. You guys have more. I’m busy this year watching Oprah’s last season. Hey I want cake. Someone make me CAAAKE!

Janelle is wife number two, and she and Kody have six kids. One kid every three years? LAZY! You can’t have a flip hair factory at that rate.

I shouldn’t be on the ice right now. I’m probably pregnant. I can’t even tell any more.

 

Thankfully, Kody found someone to pick up Janelle’s baby making duties. Christine! She’s got five kids with one on the way. Hopefully it will be a brunette so Janelle’s one dark haired kid can stop feeling like her mom sinned and got inseminated by someone with dirty genes.

And you were worried that the Mexicans were taking over the world. Yes PawPaw, that caption is directed at you.

The wives, still shopping for baby clothes, pick out some cute ballet slippers for the bun in the oven. Janelle laughs that it might turn out to be a boy after all this. You better hope you have a gay son at some point! Someone’s gotta be in charge of keeping this family groomed. Christine assures us that the baby is a girl and she’s already picked out a name! Trulie. In Greek that means “I’m sewing my vagina shut before kids on the street start calling me Sperm Whale.”

The new baby isn’t the only new thing in the family! Kody’s courting some skank named Robin. This means they are considering taking her on as a new sister wife. Kody’s penis, what do you think about this?

Don’t just smile devilishly, young man.

 

Seriously you guys. HIs penis is a jackhammer. How else can you explain this show? When Big Love considered bringing on another wife I freaked out. How the hell can that guy cheat on Nikki? HOW DARE HE? I feel pretty much the same way now. In the groupfessional, Christine says that Meri has always been open to more marriages but Christine has been like “OH HECK TO THE NO! He doesn’t spend enough time with me as it is!” Uh oh newest wife, you can’t get jealous! How do you think the other two wives felt when you were coming on the scene? Other than physically sore. Poor Christine thought she was the one! She’s about to go from Cindy Brady to Jan and she’s not happy about it.

Meri and Kody were out one night at a friend’s house, met Robin, Kody got a boner, none of the other wives were around, and Meri figured “I’m not touching that thing ever again. What’s one more wife? Pack her up in the back of the van and let’s finish our celery sticks with cream cheese. Man it’s nice to go to a classy party once in awhile, isn’t it hon?” Meri really clicked with Robin so she told Kody to dance with her and “that’s all she wrote, ya know?” I know that I’ve spent less than five minutes with these people, but my guess is that what Meri wanted Kody’s answer to be was “no babe. You’re enough woman for me.” But he didn’t, just like he didn’t 17 years ago. No, I am not an expert on polygamy, but I am an expert on the whole girls say things they don’t mean to get you to say something meaningful thing. It usually backfires in their faces. In this case, it backfired with two new harpies and twelve noses full of snot. Learn your lesson, girl!

One time I asked him for his top five list of Celebrity Dream Hookups and his answer was “you, you, you, you and you, babe.” Then I woke up to a baby screaming. Then another baby was screaming. And another. And another. It was like a really bad chain effect. I wanted to curl up into the fetal position and pretend it wasn’t happening and Kody leaned over and said “I wish I was banging Angelina Jolie, Katy Perry, Paula Abdul, Ruth Buzzie, and Vanna White right now. Wanna get nasty?”

Now let’s meet Robin! I’ll admit, my ignan’t ass was expecting this:

PLEASE SOMEONE MARRY MEEEEEE

 

But I was totes wrong! Robin’s super cute! And she grew up in the polygamist lifestyle. She’s divorced and working hard to support her three kids. She has three kids already? Man Kody’s sperm is gonna be jealous that he didn’t make those kids.

Stop fighting, you guys! It’s not worth it!

Robin’s exhausted and sick of working. Taking on a husband who can afford three wives and sixteen kids is probably not a bad move. Especially after some of the horrible things we’ve seen stressed mothers do in the news the past few years.

Choices: Drive the station wagon into a ditch or find a sex addict with a lot of money. I think I chose right. (?)

Kody may have bad hair, but he has a Super 8 Motel and a Lexus so bad hair means a lot less to the wives.

Kody is packing up a suitcase and telling his kids he’s off to bone some chick named Robin. Yeah, at first glance that seems like an inappropriate thing to say to young ones, but consider the source. From what I understand (not much, obvs), polygamy is God’s work. The point is you’re supposed to make as many blonde white people as possible to populate your after life planet with. So Kody talking about going off to have an affair is like saying “I’m off to catch some fishes to share with poor people, kids! Wish me luck on gettin some!”

Kody tells us that he’s been courting Robin for a couple of months and she lives 300 miles away so it’s been real hard. Yeah leaving fifteen kids and three wives to go bang a skinny chick far far away sounds TERRIBLE. Poor guy. The things you do for God! He tells us that he and his wives have dated other chicks before but they were generally unprepared for the amount of snot and poo that comes with fifteen kids and ran away from the house screaming and making appointments to get their tubes tied. Robin, though, is special (desperate enough to buy some paper towels and quit her three jobs) so yay.

He goes to say bye to Meri, who is sobbing. Poor Meri. He asks if she’s gonna be ok and she cries “I always am.” Oh man. That’s so sad. He thinks she’ll just be sad that he’s gonna be gone for awhile. Men? ARE MORONS. I don’t care what religion you are, women want to be someone’s “the one”. Unfortunately, that’s selfish and sinful behavior. Women need to get their shit together and write their own damn Bible.

Remind me never to take you to another dinner party, dick.

Christine cries at her goodbye too. She tells us in the groupfessional (still crying) that she felt like her husband was leaving her and her family to replace them with another chick and her family. But then she realized that it needed to happen. Oh really? How bout you go find a stud at some dinner party and have him start impregnating you and let’s see if Kody’s ok with that. No? Because that’s not how it works. Women: write a Bible.

Kody sits in his Lexus and tells us in his best meaningful infomercial that he’s been through all these tears and he understands that the women are hurt “because they’re afraid.” Or feel jealous that the man they promised to love forever just keeps racking up more wives the more stretch marks they get. I get that this is a “lifestyle”, it just pisses me off that the only ones who end up hurting are the women.

Leaving the wives is hard. Unfortunately for them, so is my penis. BYECALLMETHNX!

In the groupfessional, the only wife not crying is Janelle. She’s the positive one, so she tells us that Kody has a lot of responsibilities and always makes sure that everyone’s needs are met. You know he gave her a box of HoHos to make her say that.

He’s not leaving me alone. He’s leaving me with a stocked pantry, God bless him.

Kody is taking a couple of kids with him to spend time with Robin’s kids. He needs a babysitter and it’s just a waste of money to pay a stranger when you’ve got free teens at home. As he drives away, he hits the nail on the head regarding his wives’ feelings: “They’re ok with another wife, but they’re not ok with another girlfriend.” Well, you have to have some standards.

Is this network fucking joking?

 

TLC: Terrible Lives of Caucasians. Back to the show. Kody says that when Meri introduced him to Robin at that dinner party, she felt “a spiritual drive” to become a part of the lifestyle again. Like when I almost got evicted from my apartment and had the spiritual drive to start dating a guy who owned a used car dealership. He’s long gone now, but I’ve still got the apartment. Praise Allah!

Meri explains in the groupfessional that when she met Robin she thought she would be a wonderful friend and wife. Here’s my prediction. She doesn’t get along with Christine and Janelle is too much of a wuss to pick sides so arguments are always a deadlock. Meri is bringing someone to be on her side. Mark my words.

Robin tells her kids that Kody is bringing the teens to watch them. One of her daughters wants to know which mommy is coming. When she finds out there isn’t one, she’s upset. LOL. So the kids are looking to branch out, too. You guys, I’m loving this show. Hey buddy you need some more cheese for your pasta?

Why settle for one mom to cook for you when you can have four?

Christine very pointedly tells us “here’s this woman who is choosing to come into a family with sixteen people, with three wives…” they cut her off before she can say “Bitch must be damaged in the head.” Christine is wondering what the frick is wrong with this woman. Girl, we are gonna find out soon. I hope this show runs for thirty years.

Robin tries to pack the kids in the minivan, but her little brat is going nuts cuz she can’t take her bike. Then the other girl whines about a bike. The boy is just wandering around the yard looking for more cheese. Robin finally gets the kids in the car and then, already tired, tells us that the good thing about polygamy is that you have three other moms taking care of your kids! TOLD YOU THAT BITCH WAS LOOKING FOR A BABYSITTER! Man, Robin is not stupid AT. ALL. The other wives better watch out. I predict she will have a pool built and get addicted to romance novels and boxed wine while Janelle the Wuss gets stuck with her kids. Robin is my new hero.

Christine spends her away time from Kody bossing the other wives around as they move furniture. Well, Meri moves furniture. Christine can’t move it cuz she’s way pregnant, and Janelle can’t move it cuz she’s, well, Janelle. I don’t think she’s pregnant, but you never know around here. She probably doesn’t ever know until she’s crowning.

You guys need to invest in some LOLcats.

Christine makes Meri move the same furniture like ten times and it’s hilarious. She tells us that they’ve been together for a long time and Meri shrieks “Holy freak it’s forever!” LOL. They’ve worked through their “issues.” I don’t know what that means yet, but I’m guessing it means Christine’s a bossy emotional control freak so if you don’t want to fight you should shut your face and do what she asks. Janelle just laughs at all this kind of uncomfortably. Poor nice Janelle. Christine says “it’s just like every other relationship you have”, except your husband is banging your friends and you’re always pregnant and NO ONE’S GONNA TELL ME WHAT TO DO! Yeah that’s like no other relationships I have, but thanks for trying to relate.

Janelle says that by now they’ve all learned each other’s quirks and Christine jumps in that now a new wife is coming, they have to fight for another decade before they’re gonna be comfortable again. Meri? Is still moving the armoire.

Maybe the new wife will have some brawn so my back can get some freakin rest.

To recover from Meri’s hard work, the wives go have lunch and talk about their jealousy. Christine says that Robin’s real sweet and is gonna be a great companion! There’s just the small matter of her being way hotter than the rest of them and she worries that Kody’s gonna spend all his time with the skinny stitch instead of her. She does, however, think that he’s a good husband and deserves a trophy wife. Meri’s offended cuz she’s considered herself the trophy wife all this time. Christine looks away uncomfortably.

Kody says that hurting his wives to find happiness with another woman sucks but his jackhammer won’t give him any other options. Someone needs to tell Utah about internet porn. Free, easy, and it doesn’t spawn little monsters that poop on you. Unless you’re into that kind of thing. Robin says that it’s hard for her thinking about how she’s hurting the wives by coming onto their husbands so hard but it hurts more having to look at her gosh darn kids twenty four hours a day so it’s all worth it in the long run. She brings up a good question: How do you forge your own relationship with your new husband when he’s got unpacked baggage with three other wives in the house? I can’t answer that, but hopefully by season’s end I will be able to. Kody tells us that they have chosen this lifestyle but due to emotions caused by “influences in our culture” it can get hard. He seems to be suggesting that his wives are only upset because popular culture has made them think that they are more than baby machines. You guys, this guy is a douche. If you’re gonna share a man, make it a good man.

In the groupfessional, Christine says that she was pipin’ mad about Robin cuz she hadn’t met her until months after the others. She says she felt like she lost her best friend and then cries again. Kody looks at her like she’s talking Latin.

You see what popular culture has done to my wife? And what the heck does “Es faciem dick” mean?

Robin knows that the women must be hurting but she feels like they are hurting so that Robin can be happy. Um, I think they’re hurting so their husband will have another incubator and give them a freaking rest, but you can take it however you want. In the groupfessional, Christine is still crying so Jackhammer fights her passive aggressively by crying harder and saying how hard all this has been on him and reminding her that she’s the one who came out with the “you’re lovesick and the only cure is another marriage!” line. Jackhammer may be a sleazeball, but he knows how to deal with crying women. Her sobbing stops cold.

September: The Month that Made Jesus Cry

Christine tells us that sometimes a new wife just wants the man and not the family, but Robin is smart enough to know that the women shaped the man. Robin confirms this and gives us Christine’s words almost verbatim. I have a feeling those two had a long rough heart to heart. And by heart to heart I mean Christine probably put her in a headlock and trained the skank. Robin says “It’s awesome that Kody is who he is cuz of them and I wanna say thank you guys for making Kody so awesome! You’re awesome!” Thanks for making a guy good enough for me to plow when he was sick of looking at your old used up stretch marks, suckas! AWESOME!

Kody walks into Robin’s house and her kids are going apeshit. He ignores them and goes over to her for a super awkward hello. Robin tells us that she made a list of what she wanted in a perfect mate and Kody is him. It’s like a super fucked up version of The Secret.

List:
Flip hair
Penis that never stops
Gotee
Lexus
Thirteen Children
A wife that will probably kill me in my sleep
A wife to move my furniture.
A wife to steal my hohos
Super 8 motel
Please never let me have alone time with my monster children ever again
Lexus. Did I already write that down?

Robin and Kody get to their date and order two hot chocolates. Things are gonna get nasty up in here tonight!

Thank you waitress. Would you mind taking off your apron so I can look at your womb? Is that inappropriate? I’m just doing God’s work mkay?

 

Kody says that he’s rusty with this whole dating thing after sixteen years. Then he gives a string ring to Robin. I would get up and throw my hot chocolate in his face, but Robin thinks “aw heck it’s awesome!” Kody talks about how much he loves Robin and then makes a super romantic face.

Just in case you were wondering how this guy is so constantly laid.

Wow. OK so lots of questions. What does Kody do? He seems rich. And is there such a thing as modern polygamy? I thought that was gone a long time ago! Kody has been charged with “felony polygamy” after this show was publicized. Does he deserve a criminal rap sheet or should this be ok? I say what’s the big deal marry who you want, even if it’s like ten of them, as long as kids aren’t getting hurt. The last question is Robin’s:

Awesome! I get your Lexus, right?

 

Thanks for reading! Sorry for the late ass recap. This show wasn’t on my radar at all and wasn’t assigned here. Once I heard about it I begged TheMiki to bring her skillz to it and she agreed to start with episode two. I finally sat my fat butt down last night and got caught up and had to take a stab at it. One thing this show deserves is a complete set of recaps. Thanks for being here and look for TheMiki’s recap of episode two late Tuesday afternoon!