Sister Wives: This is our home now

Hey hey Gasmii!  I’m on double cappage duty this week because Sister
Wives refuses to die so that Platinum Hit can live.  That being said,
I apologize in advance if either of my recaps sound rushed or contain
more typographical errors than normal.  I’m hauling ass to get this
done here.

On with the polygamy!  Before we even get into the show though, did
they change Skinny Bitch’s opening credits voiceover bit?  I could
swear she used to say something else, but this week it’s about destiny
and stuff.  Anyone? If I don’t even have time to check my spelling
then I clearly don’t have time to go look at older episodes.

Like I ever pay attention when you talk

It’s a sunny day in Vegas, and the family is unpacking the U-haul.
Blah blah flashbacks from last week, more flashbacks, TLC assumes NO
ONE watched this show up till tonight… Oh hey, current stuff.
Brodad says that everything is different in Vegas, and they have so
much to do with finding a permanent home and getting the kids enrolled
in school.  He says he feels like he’s been born again in Las Vegas.
Watch out Brodad… Those Born Agains are not big fans of the Mormons.
Or the polygamists. Or really anyone except for Jesus.

I’m feeling like I could really start hating a lot of people irrationally.  What’s the best religion for me?

So after squeezing out of the uterus of Utah oppression, Brodad is
happy in Vegas.  Alpha-Wife says she feels like she’s at home, and
Skinny Bitch says she felt the lack of stress in her body when she got
there.  She got her appetite back, she explains to a portlier wife,
which is great because she lost 15 pounds before they left Utah due to
her lack of appetite.  And all the other wives hate you a tiny bit
more than they already did.  Well played, Skinny Bitch.

Hey, do I look skinnier to you guys?  Cause I totally am skinnier.

The teenagers remain mopey, but the little ones are having fun and the
adults feel better, and aren’t teenagers all miserable all the time
anyway?  Get ‘em some crappy indie rock to listen to and they’ll blend
right in.

You might wanna work on that sad face. My dog could totally give you lessons

Alpha Wife says she feels like God guided them to Vegas.  Orlly?
How’d he do that?  Oh right, with three flat tires…

The realtor is hard at work looking for four rental properties all
really nearby each other, while the giant family is telling us about
how they divided up the rooms. The wives seem stoked that Brodad “let”
them decide amongst themselves.  Really?  Way to set the feminist
movement back about fifty years there.

And he totally let me pick out my clothes this morning.

Oh hey, it’s Brodad’s birthday too.  I guess with thirty people in
your family there are bound to be birthdays popping up left and right.

Happy Birthday!  I got you the gift of not living in Utah.

Brodad tells us in confessional that they have a secret.  Skinny
Bitch has been trying to get preggo.  They haven’t told the kids or
the sister wives yet.  Skinny Bitch says they waited a really long
time, because they’ve been married for like TEN MONTHS.  Wow!  Better
get to procreating before menopause hits, ya big slackers.

And god said, “Go forth and procreate… But Utah, could you guys slow down a bit?  There’s a line, okay?”

Alpha wife is on the hunt for a storage unit for all the stuff in the
trucks.  Brodad tells us for the dozenth time that they only have 30
days in the rental home.

How long do we have?  I keep forgetting… Maybe if you said it over and over again?

They have a school district they want to be
in, and they’ve decided that Skinny should get her house first since
her kids have had to move around so much.  She finds a rental and
they’re moved in over the weekend.  One wife down, three to go!

So much nicer than my house.  I should really look into this whole polygamy thing.

Since the vacation home is a half hour away from the school, all the
wives have to take bunches of kids in shifts to school.  Logan says
he’s nervous about going to a new school, but in proper teenager
fashion, Mini-Sally Struthers says she doesn’t care and she doesn’t
want to make friends there.

No, you cannot be a goth Mormon

Over on the other side of town, Skinny bitch is unpacking with the
help of the sister wives .  The kids arrive home from their first day
of school, and they seem less than traumatized. Even Mini-Sally
Struthers says it was all right and that she liked her teachers.  But
she also says she’s going back to Utah as soon as she can.  Yeah, give
her a year in Vegas and I’m betting she won’t miss Utah any more.

Don’t worry, it sucks way less here.

The adults tell us that money is a huge issue because they all lost
their jobs in the move.  They’re using their retirement funds and
trying to figure out how to start some sort of family business.  Good
news: You’ve got an entire workforce of child labor readily available
to you.

Wake up, sweetie. It’s time to sew Nike’s for 13 cents an hour

The Alpha-Daughter is being even mopier than the rest of the
teenagers, so Alpha-Wife lets her take out the car with her learner’s
permit that’s not valid in Nevada.  She just drives around the parking
lot, so as to avoid a run in with the fuzz.  Mini-Sally Struthers
joins her, and they drive around in circles for a really long time.

This totally qualifies as fun back home

Then they tell us that they’re really upset that they’re all going to
be living in different homes.

Your sad face is improving, but if you really want your parents to feel your pain you should really start cutting yourself.

Sally Struthers is the next to find a home.  Hers has a pool, and was
originally intended for Alpha Wife.  Sally Struthers tells us she felt
bad about how much she liked the home, but Alpha Wife seems okay with
her having the house.  And not in that passive aggressive way that
chicks like to say things are okay while secretly plotting your
demise.

And I could hide the pool boy over here if you came over unannounced…

So with two wives settled we’re left with two wives to get settled,
and two weeks to go.  I imagine Alpha Wife will be much easier, since
she only needs two bedrooms.  Neither wife has had much luck finding
anything though.  Yf3′s oldest daughter is choosing to lash out in the
form of what’s considered skimpy clothing if you grew up in Utah (see:
tank tops).  Seriously though, this is what the wives are yelling at
her for.

If boys catch sight of your collar-bone they’ll assume you’re a floozy

Welcome to Las Vegas, ladies.  They mention how concerned they are
with all the negative influences in Vegas, while the camera show us
some rather conservatively dressed people by Vegas standards.

Ohmigod, people in shorts!  Avert thine eyes!!!

The homeless wives talk about what they’re looking for in a rental,
and poor little real estate lady is running her butt off for these
guys.  She finally finds something that meets Yf3′s standards, and Yf3
tells us that’s proof that God loves them.  She doesn’t seem totally
serious when she says it, but come on!  Flat tires, a police
investigation, and making you live in Utah?  God ain’t doing you any
favors.

Maybe you should be thanking this woman instead of God

Alpha Wife and Skinny Bitch have to go back to Utah to get the pets,
along with all the stuff they had to leave behind.

Meow!  I’ve been surviving on the blood of visiting missionaries.

Alpha Wife tells us she’s always connected really well with Skinny bitch.  There’s
packing and bantering and some fluff about how much the sister wives
like each other now, but how they had their hard times and dealt with
jealousy.  Yeah, not interesting.  Let’s move on.

“Remember when we hated each other?”

“I still hate you.”

Back in Vegas and realtor lady has finally found a house for the Alpha
Wife.  Hers is a mile away from the other three sister wives, but
Alpha loves the house, so she doesn’t seem to care all that much.
Brodad is all worked up over how Alpha Wife’s house for two people is
costing as much as the big houses for the big families.  Brodad says
that there was a cheaper house closer to them, but she didn’t like it.
Alpha Wife takes it personally that he seems to think she doesn’t
deserve as nice of a house because she didn’t pop out as many babies.
The sister wives are all on her side, so hopefully Brodad feels like
the douche that he is.

Skinny Bitch about to ‘splode

With that the final wife has settled and moved and unpacked, and
everyone has a house to live in.  All the houses look super nice, so
yay for them.

Oh no, wait. They’re all living in red dots.  That’s too bad.

The wives with their houses close together have decided to have a
block party to get to know their neighbors.  Brodad is worried that
the neighbors might have mean things to say about their lifestyle,
which is valid.  A woman named Edna, who is actually the one throwing
their block party, tells us that she was very judgmental at first, but
her daughter talked some sense into her and told her that they’re all
adults who made adult decisions and no one had any right to judge
them.

Plus I wanna be friendly cause of that meth lab in my basement

Brodad meets some other neighbors, and mistakes one guy’s stepdaughter
for his wife.  Then he makes a joke about polygamists and child
brides.  Haha.  Too soon, Brodad!

No, but seriously… When is she of age?  My house could use a little diversity.

Their other next door neighbor says that he doesn’t agree with
polygamy, and that love for multiple women is not love, but lust and
some crap about how there was only Eve in the Garden of Eden and God
didn’t give him more than wife because man is only supposed to have
one wife.  To his credit, he does say it’s their business, followed by
some self-righteous crap about having to face God on their judgment
day.

I’m from a race of people who have had to put up with a lot of bigotry and social intolerance, so I feel it’s my duty to be as judgmental of others as possible.

All in all, things go pretty well at the block party.  No one screams
profanities or tells them they’re going to hell or anything.  Not to
their faces anyway.  Brodad says he was slightly uncomfortable, but
that the weirdest part was having everyone go home to their own
separate homes.  They all want a great big home they can all live in,
but that’s gonna be a challenge financially for sure.

It’s a shame only a quarter of the family has to be within ear-shot of children’s music lessons.

There’s some sad music and flashes of each family in their different
homes.  We see some family prayers and dinner-times and other boring
things.  Alpha Wife says she kinda likes it, because when she has
Brodad he’s really there and there’s more focus.  Yf3 says she’s on
the same page, which worries Sally Struthers.  Then we see Yf3 singing
some terrible religious song with her little ones.  Did someone pass a
law that church music had to be painfully awful?  Cause wow.

Hello, this is Jesus. That was just terrible. Do you guys know “Freebird”?

Brodad says he’s not comfortable with the wives being comfortable
living separately.  He wants his family all under one roof.  But, he’s
got big new to share with everyone.  Since we all have the internet
and watch the E News Network, we already know their big surprise is
that Skinny Bitch is pregnant.  They haven’t told anyone, and they
need to make the announcement soon.  Skinny is worried that Alpha will
take it hard because of her own lack of chitlins, so she’s decided to
talk to Alpha Wife ahead of time and alone so that everyone can be
happy.

I’m squishing your head, I’m squishing your head.  Oh, and I’m pregnant.

TLC fades out before she actually breaks the news, and with that the
season draws to a close.  Next fall, there’s more of this same boring
crap, only it’s in Vegas.

Chase, reminding Stella that this is his bone

And Stella, showing us all how sad face should be done