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Hey hey Gasmii. We’re back with more polygamists, and this week they’re under investigation because it turns out that polygamy is like, illegal or something. Who knew? I guess they didn’t, but now they’re all stressed out so they’re going to Wyoming to Grampa Douche’s horse farm. I don’t know if Grampy is a douche or not, but like begets like and that guy begat douchiness.
Exhibit A, B, C, D, E, and F. Starting with the hair and ending with the purple shirt. Douche!
Sally Stuthers says her kids go to the ranch every summer, but Skinny Bitch’s kids have never been, seeing as how they’ve only been part of the family for seventeen minutes or so. Yf3 says they’ve been trying to shelter their kids from the pressure of living in an illegal household and being investigated by police. Yeah, let’s go to Wyoming! The only state in Nation that might be less interesting than Utah.
Just a taste of the dirt and sagebrush you will experience is scenic Wyoming
They cram a bunch of kids into a couple of clown cars and begin to drive. Skinny Bitch’s car starts making a noise that she describes as an… “RRRRRrrrrrrRRRRrrrrRRRR” noise. She pulls over and there’s smoke billowing out of the hood. One of the boys suggests that they may be out of oil or radiator fluid, but no one looks like they know how to check. I’m sorry, I don’t care how weird your upbringing is, your ass needs to know how to check your fucking oil. That’s just sad.
This is what happens when you tell your female children their only goal should be finding a husband
They get some new fluids (hehehe) but the car still won’t start, so they get a rental van and continue on their way. Douche-dad gets on his super-pimp midlife crisis motorcycle, sans helmet, and rides over to the mechanic to check out how much the damage is gonna cost.
Putting a helmet on hair this glorious is like slapping god in the face
It’s a lot. They have to re-do the motor and it will cost over 5k to fix. No one seems to know WHY the engine is toast or what the specifics are, but I guess things like understanding your vehicle are problems for the secular world.
Yeah, I don’t think it’s supposed to do that
Back on the road-trip we get a super entertaining detour where everyone takes a picture in front of some canyon. No really. It’s fascinating stuff. So glad they took the time to include that little slice of awesomeness. Skinny bitch tells the kids to “Make a Y for Wyoming.” And somewhere Jesus kills a kitten with a dictionary.
It’s fun to stay at the…
It’s the next day and Douche dad is driving to Wyoming and giving us some backstory. Douchey grew up Mormon, but not Fundamentalist poly-mormon. Then while he was on a mission his mom decided she wanted to be a polygamist and talked his dad into finding more wives **coughlesbiancough** He says his mom was the main influence in his embracing a Poly lifestyle. Well yay for mom.
And then I told my husband that we needed some pussy up in here, like on the Cinemax
Everyone arrives at the farm and there’s some hugging and running around and a bunch of cousins who are indistinguishable from the kids we’ve been watching for over a season. Those are some strong genes there.
Holy god, they’re cloning fundamentalists!
Sally Struthers’ mom is there talking to the kids, and Douche-boy mentions that he’s kinda outing his parents by bringing the cameras in. Ya think? Nah… Wyoming is a big state. People there are on TV all the time. It’s like the Hollywood of… Uh… Wyoming. Yeah… So I’m sure it’ll barely even be a blip on the radar. I wouldn’t worry about the other four families in your neighborhood noticing.
Wyoming: Land of celebrities and excitement
Douche-dad says that his mom called him when she found out about the investigation, and he said he didn’t want them to think about it because it was heavy. So instead of dealing with their legal issues they drive to Wyoming and paint their gramma’s house. There’s the expected scenes of kids covered in paint, and some dialogue over it by one of the gramma polygamist brides. They talk about being so happy that skinny bitch joined the family because wives are like spokes in a wheel and the more spokes in a wheel the stronger the wheel is. Or something. I have a hard time following fundamentalist logic.
They do have an excellent child labor force though
Douche proves his douchiness by making a point of eating his mom’s breakfast out of her hand.
I should have been pro choice for at least a little while
Sally Struthers drops the bomb-shell that after she met Douche her mom came out to try and support her, got swept up in the excitement of plural marriage, and wound up marrying grampa douche. Um… Wow. Just wow. Douche’s mom says she didn’t like Gramma Struthers at first, but they eventually warmed up to each other and now they’re bestest friends.
Eyes down, bitch. The rest of this burrito is mine!
Blah blah, we all have different strengths and attributes and if you keep on adding wives you can eventually join them all together to create some wacky fundamentalist Voltron who will defeat the evil thetans sent by Xenu during the thousand years war for the souls of Kirk Cameron and everyone who got left behind in the rapture because they ate meat on Sundays and had impure thoughts about choirboys. That’s what fundamentalist believe, right?
Or something about reading scriptures out of a hat…
Some cousins or possibly Sister Wife kids are talking about Grampa (I don’t recognize them but the girl is a dead ringer for Sally Struthers).
Cloning. I’m not kidding. We should be concerned.
Grampa is giving a cow safety lecture, followed by the horse safety lecture. I guess they’re doing a cattle drive, although I’m not clear on why. Can’t we just throw those on a truck or something? Alpha wife says that they’re taking the cattle to get vaccinated. Okay, so we’ve already established that my brain doesn’t process fundamentalist logic, but wouldn’t it be much much easier to bring one vet to a bunch of cows than bringing a bunch of cows to a vet? Am I nuts? Cause I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.
But then I guess we’d miss out on all this excitement
Most of the kids ride horses but some choose to walk. Presumably because Grampa Douche’s safety lecture was so terrifying. Kids on horses, kids not on horses, kids that like horses a lot, moms being awed by their kids being on horses… Exciting stuff folks. Okay TLC, here’s a general rule of thumb. If an activity would bore you to tears if you were actually DOING it, then no one wants to watch people do it on TV. Seriously. After this can we watch Douche-dad wait in line at the DMV for six hours? Cause that’d be super.
Actual Wyoming State DMV
Back at the house the grammas are making dinner, and it’s so interesting that I’m longing for more footage of the cattle drive. They banter for a bit and then Douche dad tells us that his Sister Moms are so close and so happy together and would continue to live together even if their husband died. Yeah, like I said, **coughlesbianscough**
So then at the Dinah Shore after-party…
Back to the cattle drive! Whee! Alpha Wife says that there was a bad crazy horse that none of the kids were supposed to ride. One of the kids with a stupid name with too many Y’s in it takes the horse anyway, gets thrown off, and does some crying. Were you not paying attention during Grampa’s safety lecture of doom? He specifically said not to fall down and rupture your spleen. Kids these days, I swear. No respect for authority. Or gravity.
Here in Utah we call it Intelligent Falling
Douche Dad is the first on the scene of the accident. He tries to help her up and she cries and screams a lot about how everything hurts. She’s got a nasty bruise/bump on her back, but there’s no saying what’s really wrong with her. Douche hops on the naughty horse (his words, not mine) to teach it a lesson about throwing kids around. Yf3 throws the injured chitlin in the car and drives her back to the farmhouse, where one of the sister grammas is a nurse. She does some basic checks and says she doesn’t think anything’s broken, but something seems to be dislocated or pinching a nerve or something.
Walk it off, wuss!
Yf3 takes her to the chiropractor… Cause I guess they have on-call chiropractors, but not emergency rooms in Wyoming. One of the little kids is asking a gramma about her living situation, and gramma skirts the questions and keeps changing the subject. Hmmm… I wonder what that’s all about.
Gramma, why do you and other gramma like to listen to the Indigo Girls? Why do you like Women’s Golf? Why do you both drive Subarus?
Back at the cattle drive, the kids are driving the cows through a chute for vaccination purposes. I’m still confused, but whatever. Gramma brings out some dinner to the chutes and everyone breaks for the most unorganized and chaotic food grab I’ve seen in quite some time. Gramma snaps and yells and shuts everyone up. They eat, which is super exciting, like the rest of this episode. The injured kid makes it back to the group and tells everyone she dislocated her hip. I’ve done that, and it hurts like shit. I would have been screaming if some douche-bag tried to make me stand and walk too.
Shut up or I’m stabbing you with my salad fork, you nosy little shit!
Oh hey, after all that excitement it’s Day 2 on the ranch. Oh balls, has it only been one day? Because I’m ready to scoop my eyes out with a spoon just for entertainment. The only thing more boring than crazy religious people is crazy religious people on vacation in Wyoming. Hey guys, let’s LITERALLY watch paint dry.
Do you ever watch shows like this and wonder what clips got edited out? Because this is, theoretically, the most exciting stuff that happened during this week of filming. Ready for the rundown? Car breaks down, van gets rented, pictures by a canyon, cattle drive, dinner making, falling off a horse, dinner eating, house painting, more house painting, and of course polygamy. I have to take issue with shows where they follow people around with cameras, and those peoples’ lives aren’t as interesting as mine. Cause my life isn’t that interesting, but I did several things more interesting than a cattle drive in the past few days.
Why am I more interesting? Cause no religion prevents me from drinking. Suck it, fundamentalist!
Once the house is painted they drive all the kids over to climb up some rocks. Skinny Bitch freaks the fuck out over kids being, “On the edge of a cliff!” Which is super funny cause they’re barely on a hill. Skinny bitch is apparently the uptight neurotic mind. Sally Struthers says that part of childhood is experimenting with your body. She means by running and climbing and jumping, but I giggle uncontrollably anyway.
Big scary cliff.
The older kids and a couple of the wives climb up to the top with his royal douchiness, and they make a big deal out of it, but I’m pretty sure they’re all of about twenty feet in the air. Yipee. Dare to dream. Douche dad says that it’s a great break from being public figures because they’re out in the boonies and there are no cameramen there. Well, ya know, except for the entire crew of them you brought with you. Jackass.
How’s the view? Still Wyoming? I’m sorry…
Gramma sister wives are walking down a path talking about stuff. Not interesting stuff. At all. They get to the house though, and see it painted all nice, and everyone’s happy and there’s a group hug, and even during the hug I wanna punch captain bro-tard in his big ass teeth. Argh.
Must… hit… with… shovel…
So yeah, that’s it. Exciting, eh? Maybe next week we can go to my Western Civilizations class and take turns reading pages from The Odyssey. Or we can have a film crew follow the hardworking employees of Jackson Hewitt as they find you your maximum refund. The sky’s the limit!
Stella say Hi. And someone please open the damn door.