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Wednesday, March 23, 2011
10:00 am
28 Comments
Tagged: cattle drives, cloning, farming, fundamentalists, gravity, lesbian grammas, polygamy, recaps, sister wives, stella, tlc, tvgasm, watching paint dry, wyoming
Hey hey Gasmii. We’re back with more polygamists, and this week they’re under investigation because it turns out that polygamy is like, illegal or something. Who knew? I guess they didn’t, but now they’re all stressed out so they’re going to Wyoming to Grampa Douche’s horse farm. I don’t know if Grampy is a douche or not, but like begets like and that guy begat douchiness.
Exhibit A, B, C, D, E, and F. Starting with the hair and ending with the purple shirt. Douche!
Sally Stuthers says her kids go to the ranch every summer, but Skinny Bitch’s kids have never been, seeing as how they’ve only been part of the family for seventeen minutes or so. Yf3 says they’ve been trying to shelter their kids from the pressure of living in an illegal household and being investigated by police. Yeah, let’s go to Wyoming! The only state in Nation that might be less interesting than Utah.
Just a taste of the dirt and sagebrush you will experience is scenic Wyoming
They cram a bunch of kids into a couple of clown cars and begin to drive. Skinny Bitch’s car starts making a noise that she describes as an… “RRRRRrrrrrrRRRRrrrrRRRR” noise. She pulls over and there’s smoke billowing out of the hood. One of the boys suggests that they may be out of oil or radiator fluid, but no one looks like they know how to check. I’m sorry, I don’t care how weird your upbringing is, your ass needs to know how to check your fucking oil. That’s just sad.
This is what happens when you tell your female children their only goal should be finding a husband
They get some new fluids (hehehe) but the car still won’t start, so they get a rental van and continue on their way. Douche-dad gets on his super-pimp midlife crisis motorcycle, sans helmet, and rides over to the mechanic to check out how much the damage is gonna cost.
Putting a helmet on hair this glorious is like slapping god in the face
It’s a lot. They have to re-do the motor and it will cost over 5k to fix. No one seems to know WHY the engine is toast or what the specifics are, but I guess things like understanding your vehicle are problems for the secular world.
Yeah, I don’t think it’s supposed to do that
Back on the road-trip we get a super entertaining detour where everyone takes a picture in front of some canyon. No really. It’s fascinating stuff. So glad they took the time to include that little slice of awesomeness. Skinny bitch tells the kids to “Make a Y for Wyoming.” And somewhere Jesus kills a kitten with a dictionary.
It’s fun to stay at the…
It’s the next day and Douche dad is driving to Wyoming and giving us some backstory. Douchey grew up Mormon, but not Fundamentalist poly-mormon. Then while he was on a mission his mom decided she wanted to be a polygamist and talked his dad into finding more wives **coughlesbiancough** He says his mom was the main influence in his embracing a Poly lifestyle. Well yay for mom.
And then I told my husband that we needed some pussy up in here, like on the Cinemax
Everyone arrives at the farm and there’s some hugging and running around and a bunch of cousins who are indistinguishable from the kids we’ve been watching for over a season. Those are some strong genes there.
Holy god, they’re cloning fundamentalists!
Sally Struthers’ mom is there talking to the kids, and Douche-boy mentions that he’s kinda outing his parents by bringing the cameras in. Ya think? Nah… Wyoming is a big state. People there are on TV all the time. It’s like the Hollywood of… Uh… Wyoming. Yeah… So I’m sure it’ll barely even be a blip on the radar. I wouldn’t worry about the other four families in your neighborhood noticing.
Wyoming: Land of celebrities and excitement
Douche-dad says that his mom called him when she found out about the investigation, and he said he didn’t want them to think about it because it was heavy. So instead of dealing with their legal issues they drive to Wyoming and paint their gramma’s house. There’s the expected scenes of kids covered in paint, and some dialogue over it by one of the gramma polygamist brides. They talk about being so happy that skinny bitch joined the family because wives are like spokes in a wheel and the more spokes in a wheel the stronger the wheel is. Or something. I have a hard time following fundamentalist logic.
They do have an excellent child labor force though
Douche proves his douchiness by making a point of eating his mom’s breakfast out of her hand.
I should have been pro choice for at least a little while
Sally Struthers drops the bomb-shell that after she met Douche her mom came out to try and support her, got swept up in the excitement of plural marriage, and wound up marrying grampa douche. Um… Wow. Just wow. Douche’s mom says she didn’t like Gramma Struthers at first, but they eventually warmed up to each other and now they’re bestest friends.
Eyes down, bitch. The rest of this burrito is mine!
Blah blah, we all have different strengths and attributes and if you keep on adding wives you can eventually join them all together to create some wacky fundamentalist Voltron who will defeat the evil thetans sent by Xenu during the thousand years war for the souls of Kirk Cameron and everyone who got left behind in the rapture because they ate meat on Sundays and had impure thoughts about choirboys. That’s what fundamentalist believe, right?
Or something about reading scriptures out of a hat…
Some cousins or possibly Sister Wife kids are talking about Grampa (I don’t recognize them but the girl is a dead ringer for Sally Struthers).
Cloning. I’m not kidding. We should be concerned.
Grampa is giving a cow safety lecture, followed by the horse safety lecture. I guess they’re doing a cattle drive, although I’m not clear on why. Can’t we just throw those on a truck or something? Alpha wife says that they’re taking the cattle to get vaccinated. Okay, so we’ve already established that my brain doesn’t process fundamentalist logic, but wouldn’t it be much much easier to bring one vet to a bunch of cows than bringing a bunch of cows to a vet? Am I nuts? Cause I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.
But then I guess we’d miss out on all this excitement
Most of the kids ride horses but some choose to walk. Presumably because Grampa Douche’s safety lecture was so terrifying. Kids on horses, kids not on horses, kids that like horses a lot, moms being awed by their kids being on horses… Exciting stuff folks. Okay TLC, here’s a general rule of thumb. If an activity would bore you to tears if you were actually DOING it, then no one wants to watch people do it on TV. Seriously. After this can we watch Douche-dad wait in line at the DMV for six hours? Cause that’d be super.
Actual Wyoming State DMV
Back at the house the grammas are making dinner, and it’s so interesting that I’m longing for more footage of the cattle drive. They banter for a bit and then Douche dad tells us that his Sister Moms are so close and so happy together and would continue to live together even if their husband died. Yeah, like I said, **coughlesbianscough**
So then at the Dinah Shore after-party…
Back to the cattle drive! Whee! Alpha Wife says that there was a bad crazy horse that none of the kids were supposed to ride. One of the kids with a stupid name with too many Y’s in it takes the horse anyway, gets thrown off, and does some crying. Were you not paying attention during Grampa’s safety lecture of doom? He specifically said not to fall down and rupture your spleen. Kids these days, I swear. No respect for authority. Or gravity.
Here in Utah we call it Intelligent Falling
Douche Dad is the first on the scene of the accident. He tries to help her up and she cries and screams a lot about how everything hurts. She’s got a nasty bruise/bump on her back, but there’s no saying what’s really wrong with her. Douche hops on the naughty horse (his words, not mine) to teach it a lesson about throwing kids around. Yf3 throws the injured chitlin in the car and drives her back to the farmhouse, where one of the sister grammas is a nurse. She does some basic checks and says she doesn’t think anything’s broken, but something seems to be dislocated or pinching a nerve or something.
Walk it off, wuss!
Yf3 takes her to the chiropractor… Cause I guess they have on-call chiropractors, but not emergency rooms in Wyoming. One of the little kids is asking a gramma about her living situation, and gramma skirts the questions and keeps changing the subject. Hmmm… I wonder what that’s all about.
Gramma, why do you and other gramma like to listen to the Indigo Girls? Why do you like Women’s Golf? Why do you both drive Subarus?
Back at the cattle drive, the kids are driving the cows through a chute for vaccination purposes. I’m still confused, but whatever. Gramma brings out some dinner to the chutes and everyone breaks for the most unorganized and chaotic food grab I’ve seen in quite some time. Gramma snaps and yells and shuts everyone up. They eat, which is super exciting, like the rest of this episode. The injured kid makes it back to the group and tells everyone she dislocated her hip. I’ve done that, and it hurts like shit. I would have been screaming if some douche-bag tried to make me stand and walk too.
Shut up or I’m stabbing you with my salad fork, you nosy little shit!
Oh hey, after all that excitement it’s Day 2 on the ranch. Oh balls, has it only been one day? Because I’m ready to scoop my eyes out with a spoon just for entertainment. The only thing more boring than crazy religious people is crazy religious people on vacation in Wyoming. Hey guys, let’s LITERALLY watch paint dry.
Llllllladies!
Do you ever watch shows like this and wonder what clips got edited out? Because this is, theoretically, the most exciting stuff that happened during this week of filming. Ready for the rundown? Car breaks down, van gets rented, pictures by a canyon, cattle drive, dinner making, falling off a horse, dinner eating, house painting, more house painting, and of course polygamy. I have to take issue with shows where they follow people around with cameras, and those peoples’ lives aren’t as interesting as mine. Cause my life isn’t that interesting, but I did several things more interesting than a cattle drive in the past few days.
Why am I more interesting? Cause no religion prevents me from drinking. Suck it, fundamentalist!
Once the house is painted they drive all the kids over to climb up some rocks. Skinny Bitch freaks the fuck out over kids being, “On the edge of a cliff!” Which is super funny cause they’re barely on a hill. Skinny bitch is apparently the uptight neurotic mind. Sally Struthers says that part of childhood is experimenting with your body. She means by running and climbing and jumping, but I giggle uncontrollably anyway.
Big scary cliff.
The older kids and a couple of the wives climb up to the top with his royal douchiness, and they make a big deal out of it, but I’m pretty sure they’re all of about twenty feet in the air. Yipee. Dare to dream. Douche dad says that it’s a great break from being public figures because they’re out in the boonies and there are no cameramen there. Well, ya know, except for the entire crew of them you brought with you. Jackass.
How’s the view? Still Wyoming? I’m sorry…
Gramma sister wives are walking down a path talking about stuff. Not interesting stuff. At all. They get to the house though, and see it painted all nice, and everyone’s happy and there’s a group hug, and even during the hug I wanna punch captain bro-tard in his big ass teeth. Argh.
Must… hit… with… shovel…
So yeah, that’s it. Exciting, eh? Maybe next week we can go to my Western Civilizations class and take turns reading pages from The Odyssey. Or we can have a film crew follow the hardworking employees of Jackson Hewitt as they find you your maximum refund. The sky’s the limit!
Stella say Hi. And someone please open the damn door.
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28 Comments
Ok, I haven’t even read this recap yet, but I just have to say that when that douche canoe ate a bite of his mother’s breakfast it made my skin crawl!
OMG. This recap was TOTALLY worth sitting through that snoozefest. A+!
Well thanks Babyblooz. I almost nodded off mid-typing a few times myself, but I think having to recap that Jersey Couture show for a whole season has sent my boredom tolerance to herculean levels.
Miki, you always make me laugh with these recaps, and I immediately go to the last page for Stella porn before I read one word! What a sweetie she looks to be.
So let me see if I can get this straight….wife #2′s FIL is also her grandfather-in-law? And they talk about people in the south! This is one effed up family, that’s for sure.
I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch this yet but your recap is fantastic! I loved the caption of the actual Wyoming DMV. This has got to be the most boring show in television. I was somewhat intrigued the first season but now I could give a shit about douche-dad and his posse. Thank goodness for your recaps!
The only kid I see any hope for at all is the one in the green shirt on the left in the “Y for Wyoming” pic. He’s sitting as far away from his fucktard family as humanly possible and holding up 2 fingers for the Y. You can just tell he’s the one that’s going to kill them all in their sleep one night.
Is that what he’s doing? I thought he was doing the Charlie’s Angels pose…
Damn lost my comment! I was just saying that your recap and Stella are the only bright spot to a boring ass episode. WHY-oming? At least Utah has salt and the Jazz (ok, just salt) to have some significance…why does Wyoming even exist? I mean JEEZ…lol.
My first comment was brilliant, but i lost it and my brain cells have melted from Hump Day
Wait….did Douchey really stand there and scratch his head wondering how he was going to pay for the car and then go riding off on his motorcycle??? what do these wives see that we don’t see??
marijai – no, #2′s FIL is also her stepfather since he’s married to her mom!! Yes, this is one screwy family!! I was confused about whether there were other wives of Douche’s father? If they entered polygamy when D was in his 20′s there should be at least one other one, right? Maybe she didn’t want to be on tv. And do they all live on the same ranch but in different houses? Bizarre-o world.
Miki, reading your recaps makes me so glad I don’t watch this show but so glad I read your recaps. You’re hilarious!
I’m totally owning my judgyness right now, but it seems like just when you think this family’s story couldn’t get any worse it gets worse. Next thing we’ll find out is that Skinny Bitch is actually Douche’s biological half sister!
TheMiki. One word. Love.
love, J-Mo
Love your recaps and the nicknames are spot-on. Especially Yw3, hate oddly (misspelled) names. I thought there was a tiny bit of gold in these here mountains…1) after ther the car break down, when skinny wife threw her hands up when they turned off to get the “Y”-oming picture, she threw up her hands like what did I do know? and Meri’s ‘it’s alright just a photo-op.’ Can’t wait to see what that’s all about. 2) I laughed when they said they were REpainting his mom’s house. Looked like it’s never been painted. 3) Hillarious when they all insisted it was the women dragging the men into polygamy!
This was Super boring but the subtext is awesome sauce. I think the only thing more interesting for TLC to do is find a scientology family to follow around. I mean that respectfully, I’m really curious about things I’ll never experience.
This is what I don’t get.
I fucking hated my step-mothers.
As far as the first three wives I wouldn’t consider as “step” because they were mostly there before the kids were born.
But Robyn is definitely a “step”. No reluctance? At all? Not even a “who’s this bitch?” side eye? Nothing?
I understand that the mothers are still in the picture, but they were also hurting when the Douche married Robyn. Don’t tell me that the hurt didn’t somehow spill over onto the kids.
Plus Robyn would annoy me if I was a teenage kid. Because she’s annoying.
I would LOVE to live on a ranch. Loved riding horses when I was younger. Loved my uncle’s farm.
I swear if I !WHEN I! win the lottery I am getting a ranch and raising sheep. I will have llamas to heard them (Matt and Marty).
2 outside dogs (Bruiser and Crusher) and one inside doggie (Josephine).
3 goats (all female, Priscilla, Lisa Marie,and Dawn), the fainting kind…fainting goats.
Of course horses!! A palomino (Shirley) and two quarter horses (Sebastian and Mellie Mel).
Chickens!
No geese because they are mean fuckers.
Cats in the barn.
All of my cats will be fixed because I don’t need feral cats coming into my yard starting shit.
Maybe one cat in the house (Willamina).
That’s it.
And a live in therapist for TB to deal with is aversion to as he puts it “out there”.
Sheesh, may all your farm aspirations come true and may no step-mother ever darken your door or dreams again.
Great recap, TheMiki. And your tattoos are turning me into a *coughlesbiancough*
Sheesh, I also want fainting goats! Yours will have a cooler names though, lol
@sheesh: That has got to be the most random comment I’ve ever seen posted on this site, but it made me laugh…so thanks for that!
i hate this show, yet i still keep watching. im neutral on the original recipe wives but kody and robyn make me feel stabbity.
i want TLC to get rid of kody and add bret michaels and his whore bus. now thats a show i could get behind.
They should do a Sister Wives Special with Charlie and his goddesses. Especially because they like to be cracked out and wouldn’t mind if he is too.
About the cows: I grew up on a farm and basically cows are stupid. And sometimes really mean. To move them from one field to another, you have to herd them. We usually used an old pickup truck or 4-wheelers, but I guess horses work too. Cattle trucks aren’t that big (you’d have to take several trips) and it’s not much easier to herd a cow into a cattle truck than it is to herd them into another field.
As for the vaccinations, cows can get mean (especially bulls…most of the farmers in my family have been head butted into fences by bulls). So you need to lock them in that cage thing to tag their ear (similar to an ear piercing, so you can imagine why a cow might get mad) or to vaccinate them so they can’t buck, kick or ram you, or run away.
Anddd…after typing all that I realize no one probably cares.
About the actual show, I can’t stand Robin either. I can’t quite put my finger on why, but she irritates me to no end. I think it’s the way she comments about stuff like she’s been in the family for years. I’d smack her if I were one of the other wives.
Also, Kody has got to be one of the biggest fucking douchebags I’ve ever seen. How in the hell did he get FOUR women to marry him? He’s unattractive both physically and mentally…I don’t get it.
Y for Wyoming – I am speechless. My dad (a graduate of the Univ of Nebraska) used to say the football players thought the N on the football helmet stood for knowledge.
I bet Rockin’ Robyn is out of there as soon as the cameras are gone. Seems to me she wants her 15 minutes of shame…oops…fame and is more than willing to whore herself out for it.
Love Stella. My rat terrier (rescued from an evil puppy mill in Missouri) would like Stella to come be his alpha wife. Unfortunately he is as neutered as Kody and it will have to be a spiritual relationship instead of physical. He also needs Stella to put the damn cats in their place and make them quit bossing him around. And if Stella can manage to kill and eat the guinea pig that would be a bonus.
“Then while he was on a mission his mom decided she wanted to be a polygamist and talked his dad into finding more wives **coughlesbiancough**”
Lol….awesome.
“Skinny bitch tells the kids to “Make a Y for Wyoming.” And somewhere Jesus kills a kitten with a dictionary.
PFFFT! That was hilarious! And so indicative of what we’re dealing with here…thank God you watch so we don’t have to!
I like the original wives. They seem pretty chill. But I think Robyn’s voice is why I don’t like her. It is grating and has sort of a whine to it. She is just annoying.
Lady Stardust: Sheesh started it, so don’t feel bad about your farm stories.
Funny as hell. “And somewhere Jesus kills a kitten with a dictionary.” I couldn’t watch half of these shows, if I didn’t know that I could read these recaps as a reward. Thanks for the laughs. Oh, and I LOVE Stella!
I love love love your recap. You are a gifted writer! I was laughing so hard I was crying. I passed it around our office. I love the “yippee” “It’s like 20 feet high” And you are right – The Kodestar is a Grade A Douce. Keep on recapping!!
I guess you guys now knows my biggest secret “sheesh is a compulsive name giverer, sheep farmer wannabe”
Eh. So be it.
P.S. I misspelled “herd”