Sixteen & Pregnant: Goblin Baby

HOW COME THESE ILLUSTRATIONS NEVER HAVE TEETH IT”S WEIRD

Oookay. So you can tell right off the bat that Jordan is no ordinary teen mom.

1.     Jordan (the momma) and Jessica are twins

2.     The twins were adopted by their grandparents at age 9, with their dad out of the picture and their mom unable to raise twins on her own

3.     The twins began modeling at age 15.

4.     She’s dating a ‘cute sweet smart’ prom king, Brian.

I would look good in that lighting too. Bitches.

Hmm.. I’m feeling very torn here. Half of me wants to dismiss this pretty prom king impregnated biatch out of unsettled high school jealousy. (I like it better when the girls are super white trashy and country so I can blame their pregnancies on Republican  abstince-only education.) With a supportive twin, modeling money, and a loving boyfriend, this chick is waaay ahead of the usual 16 and Pregnant gang of hillbillies. Happily, the twins do follow in the show’s tradition of wearing way too much eye makeup.

The other half of me is an actually humane person who doesn’t just hate and tear down others for no reason. Actually I guess that’s more like forty percent.

In the first scene, grandma is being kind of a dick, telling Jordan how her shitty decisions are affecting the whole family. The girl is 7 months pregnant, so it’s a little late for the “sex has consequences” or even “not aborting your baby has consequences” talk. She asks Jordan how she feels, and when Jordan explains part of her stomach is hurting, grandma says “Yea.. that’s just part of making those kinds of decisions.” I don’t care how old or disapproving you are, pregnant chicks are supposed to get a free whine pass. My parents call my sisters Stubbornia, Impaciencia, and Whineria (guess which one I am?) so I’m a little extra sympathetic.
The twins used to be homeschooled (sooo… grandma sex education fail?) but are now enrolled in GED classes, presumably because the grandma is such a bitch and won’t shut up about what a mistake the baby is.

You know, on second thought, I can understand why grandma is in a mood. She had her baby girl, raised it, and it went on to pop out two twin girls, which were then left for grandma to raise. Grandma does her best only to live through another effed up pregnancy, meaning she will pretty much have raised three generations of kids before she craps out. She must be glad it’s a boy; at least if Baby Noah continues the generational ‘surprise baby’ cycle he will a. skip out on the baby or b. move in the with the momma’s family.

Jordan seems like she has a good head on her shoulders. She’s a little bit of a pushover, letting her sis/boyfriend boss her around, but I imagine that happens when you turn into an exhausted puking baby oven.

Another 16 and Pregnant anomaly: this couple were actually using birth control, the pill, but she “hadn’t been using it long enough for it to work.” Uh oh, I’ve been operating under the assumption that you only have to be on the pill for like a week before it starts to work. Sciencey people, fill me in? Maybe they thought it kicked in in twenty minutes, like an antacid for conception.

I’m getting a weird/creepy/gay in a bad way vibe from her boyfriend Brian. Anyone else feeling this? Exhibit A: Abercrombie and Fitch t-shirt. Exhibit B: The comment, “I remember when I first asked you out thinking we would make a really beautiful baby.” Umm…

“No, just take the sugar pills. Those are the important ones.”

Jessica throws her sis a very cute baby shower, with lots of games and excited friends. Things take a turn for the awkward when Jordan and Brian start describing the late period/pregnancy test experience, and things go full family therapy when Jessica starts describing (in front of twenty-ish people) how Brian makes her feel left out. It’s weird that Jessica feels left out. If my twin sister got preggers, I would be thanking my lucky stars that I was now officially and forever the good twin. Also, the prettier twin; Jordan kinda looks like a blowfish.. Being pregnant makes your face fat, right? I get the feeling Jordan was also previously the ‘smart’ twin til she got knocked up, as Jessica listed her career aspirations as model, “cake baker,” dental hygienist or audio technician. What a renaissance woman!

It’s a miracle what fake tans, makeup, not overplucking, and not being pregnant can do.

The big conflict of the episode is Jessica vs. Brian: Battle of Codependency. Boyfriend Brian and Sister Jessica are competing for Jordan’s neediness. They treat each other like five year olds, calling each other meanie and refusing to scoot down at the dinner table. When Brian asks, “who do you think gave Noah his Y chromosome?” (possibly the first sixteen and pregnant star to know what a chromosome is!) Jessica responds, “How do you know it wasn’t some other guy?” eeeep. Please note this exchange takes place in the obstetricians office as Brian riffles through the doctor’s cabinets looking for toys.

The whole argument comes to a head when Brian reveals he doesn’t want sister Jessica in the delivery room. “I think it’s better for her to realize now that she’s not going to the number one person in your life any more.” WTF! I’m pretty sure THE BABY is going to be the number one person in her life, not her probably temporary boyfriend/forever baby daddy. Boys are temporary. Sisters and babies are forever. Simple choice. Any guy trying to get inbetween you and your sister/best friend/mom whatever clearly suuuucks.

It is kind of cute, however, how Brian and Jordan can just giggle and bond when he to pull over so she can puke. But he’s still being a dick about having Jessica in the room for the birth, talking about how he needs the special moment with his lady. Newsflash, bucko. If you get pregnant at 16, can’t support the baby or the momma, and have to live in her grandma’s house, you aren’t going to get that traditional parent experience you’re looking for.

In the end, Jordan stands up for herself and her twinhood, demanding that both her man and her sis be present for the birth. When her water breaks, the couple have a super tranquil ride to the hospital – no screaming, crying, or bodily fluids everywhere. The hospital room scene is cute, with Jessica braiding Jordan’s hair. (EW IVs I HATE IVS)

Jordan is adorably freaked out by labor, asking questions like? “How often do people poop during labor?” Aww. (Answer: “A lot, but we’ll hide it.”)

Then the crying begins. The contractions are horrible, Jordan looks like she’s going to die, Brian looks like he’s going to pass out, and Jessica looks very pleased to be the non-labouring twin. Brian and Jordan both cry and he looks so helpless

Ahh, this looks so wrong on her tiny nubile body. Birth looks horrifying. When Baby Noah finally gets squeezed out, he looks like a terrifying gray goblin. It’s super gross. God damnit I’m crying. DAMN YOU Sixteen and Pregnant and this adorable baby with giant guppy lips just like his momma! Everyone takes Iphone pictures with the family. Everyone says I love you a lot. I’ve lost the capacity to malke fun of the show now that there’s a precious little goblin baby with a pre-wrinkled forehead!

“NOBODY TOLD ME MY BABY WOULD BE SO GROSS WAHHHH”

The beautiful moments in the hospital are followed by a montage of Noah crying every half an hour all night, reminding me that I should be pleased to have made it to 22 pregnancy free. Jordan is exhausted and depressed, and Jessica is still freaking out with jealousy about losing her sister to men and babies, solidifying the fact that I have no idea what a twin bond is all about. This makes me grateful for my tenuous bond with my sisters Drunk and Lazy. Baby Noah keeps crying and won’t eat it, so Jordan’s crying that her boob isn’t milking enough so she feels like a horrible mom and now I’m crying again.

After a few weeks of super annoying crying, Jordan and Brian take Baby Noah to the doctor. The baby has acid reflux! I have that and it stinks and is super ouchy. Noah is going to be a “high-maintenance” baby. Jesus! There’s no such thing as a low maintenance baby, especially for sixteen year olds!

In the end, Jordan stays home taking care of the baby with her grammy while Jessica continues to work towards getting her GED (we never heard whether Jordan got hers or not, so I assume she didn’t) and Brian heads to work and community college.

Jordan seems like she really loves her baby and will be a responsible mom, and Brian’s doing pretty well so far himself. Although this is an interesting story, I don’t foresee them making it to Teen Mom territory – the whole “I have too many loving people in my life who are fighting over who gets to support me L L “ thing doesn’t really fit in.

Look at that wise forehead!

The episode ends with a pretty sad monologue from Jordan. She clearly loves her baby and is a responsible mommy, but she looks very exhausted and seems disappointed that her life is now pretty much decided for her for the next 20 years. In her last conversation with Twin Jessica, Jessica says she will “take advantage of all her options for you,” that is, live for the both of them. Jordan warns, “Don’t mess it up,” and Jessica says, “Don’t worry, I won’t” (like you did.) Ouch. At least someone learned a lesson from this.