Skating w/ the Stars: Blood, Puke & Sneers

Gasmi, did you think I had abandoned you?  Never!  Okay, honestly?  I did think about it because this show is fucking terrible, but I just couldn’t walk away after asking you all to hang in there with me.  So.  Here we are. Uh-gain.  This is Skating With The Sta!

Yes, I refuse to let that go.

Before we get to this week’s show let’s get up to speed on what went down last week.  Don’t worry, I won’t make you relive everything, but I do think there are a couple of things that should be mentioned.

Oil spills are BAD.

Gasp!  Also,

Tis the season for cheesin’

Mommy!  I’m scared.

What else happened?  Well, Buggy was still sucky as a host and had trouble calling people by their actual names, Button couldn’t remember his score shouting out the wrong number or raising the wrong paddle

Four!  Five!  Fifty three!  Bingo!

The contestants had to skate either a swing or tango and a lift was a required move.  Vince Neil and Sean Young fell on their asses.  Several times.  I laughed because people falling always amuses me.  Except for when I fall.  Then it’s not funny at all.  Bethanny skated with a scary ass smile plastered on her face the entire time because scary ass smiles and swing are two great tastes that taste great together.  Or something like that.

Eeeeek!!! 

Dmitry Chaplin made an appearance to help Rebecca & Fred work on their tango.

Dmitry, I know it’s cold and all, but couldn’t show us just a little summin’ summin’?

That’s better!

In the end Sean Young was sent packing before she had time to bring the crazy.  BOOOOOOOO!!!!!

I’m imagining stabbing your Buggy ass eyes right now.  Ice cream for everyone!

All caught up now?  Good.  Let’s get to this week’s episode, shall we?

We start out with Buggy and the Hobbit.  Buggy tells us that there were two ambulance runs earlier today as Disney star Brandon and skater Brooke were both rushed to the hospital.

You can cut the seriousness with a knife.  Or Buggy cut the cheese. 

Wouldn’t it be great if they ALL had to go to the hospital and this got CANCELLED?  Ugh.  I would ever be so lucky.

Brandon is nowhere to be found in the skating open, while Brooke is there with a bandaged finger, so I’d guess she’s performing and it’s a possible maybe about Brandon.

Tonight’s show is all about romance with each pairing conveying a love story in their routine.  Tanith Baggins tells us that the thing that has caused the injuries this week is the technical requirements.  You see, they are required to jump off the ice and land without falling over.

First up are Rebecca and Fred.  Since Rebecca thinks that Fred has no idea of what she does, she takes him to her soap set.  Because acting is really hard to understand.

I didn’t understand what acting was until I visited the set of All My Children.  Suck it, Pacino!

He’s impressed because she always gives 110%.  Uh, Fred?  That’s called OVERacting.  Just stand there and look pretty, mmmkay?

During their rehearsals he drops her on her wrist and since it hurts (and this show needs some drama) she goes to the hospital to have it looked at.

Just rub some dirt on it or something!  Yeesh!

The doctor tells her to ice it and get some rest, but there is no rest for Miss 110%!  She’s going to push through goddammit!

I wish Dmitry was back again.  Or Fred would take his shirt off.

Over to the judges!

Loved it!

Is my bowtie too loud? 

Can you believe they made me cover the shaved part of my head?  Bastiges!

You know they all loved it since it seems more and more likely that little Miss Thing is slated to win it all.  She scores a nine, eight, eight for technical merit and another nine, eight, eight for artistic impression.  Of course she did.

Bethanny and Ethan will be up next, but first, ambulance footage!

Normally I’d make fun of the fact that they blurred the puke, but I think I’m just going to give thanks that I didn’t have to see it.

Injury number two.  Moseley dropped Brooke and thought it wasn’t nuttin but a thang except for the fact that he skated over her finger.

That’s gonna leave a mark

Blood on the ice, y’all!  Brooke tells us it’s cut through to the bone and now I’m ready to start barfing.  She tells us she’s fine, she’s more worried about Jonny than herself.

Just slap some duct tape on it and let me be on my way, okay Doc?

This one, I like.

Time for Bethanny and Ethan.  First we revisit the judges’ harshness of the week before which Bethanny took as the constructive criticism it was meant to be.  What?  I always say I’m going to stick my skate up someone’s ass when I’m really taking their comments to heart.

She’s pissed because Sean and Vince’s falling asses were praised more than she was.  Don’t worry America, she doesn’t care what the judges think, she cares what YOU think.

My mommy is going to kick your asses!

They practice, she bitches, they practice, she moans; she wants the one time they get it right to be in front of the judges.  Will it happen?

I think she’s gonna get creamed again by the judges.  Part of the problem is that she doesn’t really do much, but even more than that she’s so stiff and terrified looking.  But what the hell do I know?  Let’s see what the judges think.

I’m sleepy.

That whole skate up the ass thing scared me, so……uuuhhh…listen……awesome job tonight?  Yeah, yeah, that’s the ticket.

The producers told me I have to be nicer to you this week so…….good job.  And BTW, we totally don’t hate you; we’re here to judge your skating.  It’s not like I’m friends with Jill and wish that she were here so stop trying to make it seem that way, okay?

Huh.  I thought for sure she’d get more crap thrown at her again.  Color me surprised.  Hilariously, Bethanny still tells Bilbo Belbin that she could give a rat’s ass what the judges think and she actually thinks she skated worse this week than she has before.

Suck it bitches!

She scores a six, six, five for technical merit and a seven, six, six for artistic impression.  Bethanny’s excited about the seven and Ethan is really proud of her.  I think he’s breathing a sigh of relief that she didn’t shove skates into anyone’s heiney holes.

I thought for sure we’d be seeing this face from Johnny!

Time for Vince and Jennifer.  After a replay of Vince falling, we join then in rehearsal.  He gets confused and then she gets annoyed because he’s confused.

Woman, do you have any idea what drugs do to your brain?

After yet another fall on the ice, Jennifer decides it’s time to make Vince take extra skating lessons.

Nothing like starting those groupies out young!

This skate class brings Vince back to his skating days.  Awwww, he looks like he had a great time with the kiddies.

Vince manages to stay on his feet this week while still looking incredibly uncomfortable the entire time.  Still props to him for not falling or dropping his partner.

Question for all you skating aficionados out there……..am I right in my assumption that it is harder for the guys than the girls in this competition?  It seems to me that the guys have to lift their pro partners while the girls can be guided more by theirs.  Am I right or way off on that one?

Let’s head over to the judges for their thoughts.

My panties are frozen.

Please try to avoid claw hand.

The claaaaw!

I don’t remember saying you could borrow my sweater.

Laurieann and Johnny think he’s an amazing performer while Dick is impressed with his improved stroking.  He sees the talent in Vince‘s trousers.

Before we get to his scores Vince has a quick chat with Frodo’s girlfriend which includes him saying he was stiff for two days (after his injury) and something about bent knees and Dick Button.

For technical merit he scores a six, five, five and for artistic impression a seven, six, seven.  Over to Buggy!

Pleeease…..don’t let this feeling eeeeend…..It’s everything I aaaaaam

Everything I waaaant to be….I can see what’s mine now

Finding out what’s true……Since Iiiiiiiiii foooouuuuund yoooouuuuu

Jonny and Brooke’s turn.  This week Jonny takes Brooke skiing.  How exactly will that help his skating?  Didn’t they say in week one everything that helped him in skiing hurts him in skating?

They bicker on the slopes and Jonny is annoyed at how quickly Brooke is able to pick up skiing.  Hee!  They practice their forbidden love routine and Brooke thinks they need more time.  Too bad.

That was pretty damn good.  They sure do love that ramp along the back of the judges, don’t they?  I feel confident saying that the judges are going to love this routine.

You make my heart sing like a Disney princess!

You’re the Top Gun of the competition for me.  Sigh. Why can’t Tom Cruise be here?

Shit, these panties are fucking cold as hell.

Over in the shire, Tanith wonders if the injury earlier today helped bring them closer together.  Yep, says Jonny.  So lesson learned, if you need a closer connection to your partner simply skate over his or her hand.

Score time.  For technical merit they get an eight, nine, seven and for artistic impression a nine, nine, nine, or upside down antichrist.  Wow.  Those are the highest scores yet, aren’t they?  These scores move them into first place.

Let’s go over to Buggy for the down low on Brandon’s condition.

Nope, not skating, wouldn’t be prudent.

Want to see their week in training anyway?  Nope, me either.  FF.  OH SHIT!  But then I have to stop because guess who showed up this week to help them with their routine?

Bwahahahahaha! Lacey is still getting mauled by Gary Coleman Randy Jackson.

Why does everyone hate meeeeee?

So after that we’re shown some footage of their rehearsal yesterday and thankfully we are not treated to any more footage of barfage.  Buggy asks Keauna how it feels to be here and not be able to perform.

Awful, but not as bad as performing with puke in my hair would feel.

She wishes it were her that was sick and not him because she just knows she could suck up the puke for that sixty seconds and perform.  Let’s see what the judges have to say.  Dick?

Please stop talking about puke.  If you don’t then I’ll puke, Johnny will puke, Laurieann will puke, it will be a pukeorama up in here!

Oyster crackers always work for me.

He should have just slapped some tape over his mouth until the routine was done.

I love how Johnny rolled his eyes while Laurieann was talking, did anyone else catch that?  He tells us that although he loves Brandon he really feels like he should have sucked it up and performed.

Having watched the rehearsal footage, the judges are ready to render their scores.  For technical merit they award an eight, five, five and for artistic impression a nine, six, six.  Obviously Johnny and Dick are not giving any sympathy points for illness while Laurieann may be delusion giving a nine to a rehearsal performance.

Before we get to the kicking off part, we have a special skating performance.  Straight from the shire, it’s Tanith and her partner Ben, along with a chorus line of backup skaters.

I could have done without the Narnia clips playing in the background, but other than that, nice performance by Tanith and Ben.  It’s gotta be really hard to do what they do in such a small skating space.  Don’t they need more room than this usually?

Time for this week’s boot.

We all know Jonny and Rebecca are going nowhere.  Brandon is also safe despite his stomach issues this week.  So that leaves us with Vince and Bethanny in the bottom two.  And the person toe picked off tonight is………

Tonight, tonight……I’m on my wa-ay, just set me fre-ee, Home Sweet Home

Vince says he had a great experience and a lot of fun and he’s happy the judges were nice to him.  Stay gold, Vince, stay gold!

And there you have it, Gasmi.  What did you think of these last two shows?  Are you still watching, or did you throw in the towel?

Next week we thankfully move to one hour and then the following week is the finale.  What I failed to realize is that the show is on TWICE that week and it’s fucking Christmas week.  Ugh.  Fuck me in both ears.  Let’s just get it on the record right now that you won’t be seeing either of those recaps before Christmas day, K?ThxLuvUMeanit. Unless Flipit wants to cover it.  Flipit?  Hello?

Until next time……

SWAK, PottyMouth