Skating with the Stars: Let the Games Begin!

How on earth did I get roped into doing this show?  It’s Flipit.  Gasmi, did you know he has magical abilities?  You probably are aware of a couple of them; his uncanny ability to spin recap gold out of anything he touches.  The ability to quickly write said recaps, almost as if he were in possession of a time-turner.

I was wondering where mine went!

But the third ability is only known to us recappers; it’s his hypersuasion.  That’s right, Gasmi.  He possesses the ability to talk us into taking on whatever shows he wants.  I believe his power rests in that oft used phrase “It looks like it will be hilarious.”  There really is no other explanation.  How else would I end up agreeing to recap such gems as New York Goes to Work or The Spin Crowd?  I know there are others like me.  And now, he’s talked me into recapping Skating with the Stars.  Supernatural intervention is the only thing that makes sense.

Or perhaps it’s the bug eyed hotness of the host.

Nope.  Not that.  Whatever the reason, here we are.  For five glorious weeks we’ll be together, watching these “stars” ice skate their way to glory.  So let’s get this party started!

We open the show with our host, Vernon Kay making his way from the set of Dancing with the Stars to the ice rink set of Skating with the Stars.  This involves a trek through many hallways of interns with Vernon’s eyes bugging out while he tries to get them to high five him along the way.  Ladies and gentlegasmi………

This is Skating with the Sta…..!

Well, we’re certainly off to a promising start here with a host who can’t even hold the microphone up to his mouth for the full show title.  Brilliant.

Maybe the opening number will be better.  Let’s take a look at what our pros have to offer without the challenge of their assigned stars dragging them down.  Wow!

An impromptu game of ring around the rosy segues into

An icy tribute to Starlight Express.

That was a fun way to start the show.  Plus I’m guessing that the pros were thrilled not to be saddled with the stars for one number of the night.

Vernon introduces us to the stars, but I’m gonna skip over them for now given that we’ll be meeting them again shortly.  Instead, let’s skip ahead.  Let’s meet our judges!

First, Johnny Weir.  Two time Olympian, World bronze medalist, and three time national champion.

The thing he’ll be looking for the most is the connection; he wants to feel like he’s watching one skater, not two.  I’m sure a little glamour wouldn’t hurt either.

Our next judge is Laurieann Gibson.

Boom Kack!

She is all about the dance.  She tells us that what she brings to the competition is an expert opinion on the dance.  Also, a little crazy and an inflated ego.

Our last judge is Mr. Dick Button.  Two time Olympic gold champion, five time world champion, winner of seven U.S. titles.

Is anyone else getting a sense of déjà vu?

He’ll be looking for musical interpretation, posture, position, technique, flow, personality, and something unique and unusual.  Wow, tall order, Dick.  I sure hope you’re not too disappointed in this lot.

The judges will be awarding each pair two scores: one for technical merit and the other for artistic impression.  These scores will count for half the total score with America’s phone calls making up the other half.

In case we’re all too daft to understand the judges we’ve got our commentator, Tanith Belbin, to help us out.  Tanith is a five time U.S. champion and two time Olympic silver medalist so she should know what she’s talking about.

Does anyone else think that Tanith Belbin sounds like a hobbit name?

Tanith tells us that each week there will be precise rules that each couple must follow.  For this week the required elements the skaters must perform are the one leg assisted glide and the pair spin.

First up will be Brandon Mychal Smith and his Keauna McLaughlin.  Brandon is a Disney channel star, currently on some show called Sonny with a Chance.  Oh Disney, training future Oscar winners one pratfall at a time.

I can practically hear the acceptance speech.

At their first meeting Brandon tells us he is an avid roller skater so he thinks he’ll be Okay.  After all, roller skating is like ice skating only more groovy.

Pantsing yourself is ultra groovy.

Since the show is an hour and a half and we only have six couples skating, we get an extended view of their rehearsals.  Brandon goofs around; Keauna wants him to be serious.  Ca he straighten up in time to put out a decent routine?

Tanith warns us that he narrowly avoided a fall during dress rehearsal.  She’s hoping that he can get through this routine unscathed.

Wow, that actually wasn’t too bad for a first effort.  I mean, it was a little slow, but I guess that’s not so surprising for the first week, is it?

Dick thinks that was a very impressive start.  He also thinks Brandon has a spiffy personality.  He says he thinks Brandon looked very comfortable on the ice.

Except for when you didn’t.

He’d like Brandon to work on his flows and movement, arch his back, point his toe, and not be so clunky.   I’d like Dick to work on his clunky delivery.

Laurieann thinks it was magical, fantastical.

Yes, I will be making up words as we go what of it?

She can’t believe Brandon has only been skating for five weeks.  Johnny thought the focus of the routine was wonderful to see.  He points out a couple of little things that Brandon should work on, but overall thinks he did a good job; he’s proud of him.

After a recap of the routine by Tanith, we’re ready to see the judges’ scores.  For technical merit, he gets a six, five and five from Laurieann, Johnny and Dick respectively.  For artistic impression, a seven, seven, and a six, bringing Brandon’s total to 36.

Up next, Sean Young and her partner Denis Petukhov.  Sean is best known for her roles in Blade Runner and No Way Out, as well as for bringing a little bit of the crazy, like her romance with James Woods, or when she dressed up as Catwoman.

Might this be the calm before the crazy?

Her partner Denis is a six time U.S. national medalist and U.S. Olympian.  You just know he shit a brick when he saw he was paired up with Miss CrazyPants.  Sean thinks that she has an edge over the other contestants; her looks, talent, nervous system, toughness,

And copious amounts of lithium.

She refuses to say the f word.  And then does.   They rehearse, Sean yells at herself, and Tanith tells us that both Sean AND Denis fell on their asses during dress rehearsal.    Would it be wrong to hope for a repeat?

That sure was something.  I’m surprised Denis didn’t give himself a hernia carrying Sean’s ass all over the ice.  There were no falls, but that’s probably because the routine was sloooooowwwwwww.

Johnny thinks that was so elegant; he says she was channeling bunnies frolicking across an open meadow.

Oh stop, you’re making me blush.

What the fuck is he talking about?  He thinks the music and choreography selection were perfect for her skill level.  He thinks there is room for improvement but that she should be very proud of herself.

Laurieann starts out by sucking up, saying it’s completely magical that she’s even in her presence.  She thinks Sean is an incredible actress and an amazing woman.  I didn’t realize she knew her that well.

Oh, I don’t know her at all, silly!

She thinks Sean was dreamy, elegant, beyond.  She also thinks it was very giving the way that Dennis carried Sean around the ice.  As Buggy tries to get her to wrap it up, she tells Sean to stay magical.  That’s some terrific judging there.

Dick says he fell in love with her a long time ago when he saw that movie she was in; in a competition like this, we all get into it somehow and then….there’s No Way Out.

See that America?  I made a funny.

He would like her to be a little less tentative, let it go a little bit more, put on some of those Blade Runners, take off her girdle and let it fly.

That’s enough out of you Dick.

Are you ready for Sean’s scores?  After Tanith gives us the run down on her routine, we go over to the judges.  For technical merit, she gets a six, five and a five.  For artistic impression, seven, five and then six.  She should be happy with those scores; I think they were pretty high considering her partner did almost all the work in that routine.

The next skating pair will be Olympic skier Jonny Moseley and his partner national pairs champion Brooke Castile.  The advantage that Jonny has being an Olympian is that he’s used to working hard.  Unfortunately everything that helped him in his skiing works against him in skating.  But he’s determined to do well.

I can’t be the worst one out there; that would be embarrassing.

As Jonny and Brooke take the ice, Tanith tells us that Jonny is a real speed demon so this routine is one of the fastest of the night.  She tells us these guys have taken the most hits in training, with Jonny even getting a skate to the groin.  Ouch!

Uh, Jonny has absolutely NO rhythm at all, but this is the first routine that felt like it was at full speed.  Tanith thinks it’s amazing that a beginner like Jonny was able to keep up with a champion like Brooke.  But what did the judges think?

If I open my mouth really wide will it distract you all from the fact that I have nothing of value to say?

She thinks it was dynamic and amazing, but next week she wants to see some more funk in his trunk.

Dick blathers about Jonny’s skiing and says he wants to see how he transitions from ski technique to skating technique over the course of the competition.

The other Johnny says he just terrorized the ice like a bull in a china shop and he absolutely loves it.

Take a peek under the table and you’ll see just how much.

Let’s find out Jonny’s scores.  For technical, seven, seven, and seven; for artistic impression, six, six, and seven.  That puts Jonny in the lead so far tonight.

Before we get to our next contestant, one of our judges, Johnny Weir, will be giving a special performance.  For those of you familiar with his skating, you’ll know that he has performed this routine over and over and over again.  Shit, I don’t watch skating much at all and even I’ve seen it about four or five times myself.  That’s right, it’s his “Poker Face” routine.

Is it me or did he cut some stuff out of there?  Maybe it’s because the rink is so small.  Either way it’s a nice break from the competition.  I wonder if Dick will perform as well.

After that nice interlude, it’s time to move on to our next competitor, Rebecca Budig who will be partnered with Fred Palascak.  Rebecca is a soap opera actress and therefore I have never heard of her.  Fred doesn’t tell us about any awards he’s won, and I’ve never heard of him either but that’s not anything new for the skaters; I haven’t heard of any of them.

Rebecca skated when she was little, and her and her sister used to pretend they were a pair in pairs skating.  So I guess Rebecca’s the ringer?  She tries to tell us that she’s struggling, but I think she’s trying to lower our expectations a little.  Let’s see, shall we?

Yep.  She’s definitely the ringer.  That was by far the best skating we’ve seen so far tonight.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and predict her as the winner of the whole shebang.  Of course, now that I’ve said that, she’ll probably lose.

Dick thinks that was one elegant bunch of positions she took; beautiful posture, beautiful legs, beautiful pointed feet.  He points out that one of the hardest thing in skating is to point your feet because of the boot.  He wants her to work on her stroking and edging for next week.

I’ll be glad to give you some stroking tips if you want to stop by later.

Johnny tells her that was so hot he almost sweated out his weave.  Gross!  And, is that even possible?  Someone do some weave research and get back to me.  Thanks.

Laurieann appreciates that she was on her center. Keep on doing that.  Thanks Laurieann.

Tanith loves this routine and is practically gushing over how impressive this routine was.  The judges agree as they give their scores.  For technical merit seven, seven, and seven; for artistic impression eight, eight and eight.  So now Rebecca is in the lead.

Buggy asks Rebecca if it’s true she came in fourth in an ice skating competition when she was seven.  Told ya she was a ringer!  Yes, she did, but she assures Buggy that was a long time ago.  She doesn’t really remember it.

Uh huh.  I believe that.  Absolutely.

Our next contestant will be Vince Neil of Motley Crue fame who also won a skating competition as a young un.  He’s partnered with Jennifer Wester who has been a professional figure skater for fourteen years.  She’s known for being chronically happy and always putting 100% out on the ice.

In other words, she’s annoying as hell.

I’m guessing she’s another one that probably was not overjoyed when she found out who she was partnered with.  In fact, she tells us that from everything she’s read about him she expected Vince to be a giant headache, but it’s really been the exact opposite.

However, the assumption that he’d be grabbing her boobs was dead on.

Vince falls and falls and falls, but he does keep on getting up and trying more.  He tells Jennifer that the steps are confusing to him and he really doesn’t want to let her down.

As Vince and Jennifer take the ice Tanith helpfully informs us that Vince has fallen more in rehearsal than all the other stars combined.  Yikes!

That was sad.  I mean, he certainly tried, but I think he was even worse than Sean and that’s saying a lot.  At least he didn’t fall, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t sorta hoping for that to happen.  What?

Johnny gives him credit for getting back on the ice after not being on it for so long.  He is disappointed though because he wanted to see the rock star performance and he felt like Vince was following his partner around, watching her to see what to do.

Actually Johnny, I was trying to figure out why the fuck she let someone do that to her hair.

Laurieann disagrees because she comes from the realm and is an expert at a great performer.  She is not however an expert at speaking the English language.  She thinks he was great, but tells him that for the spins he needs to find a spot like in dance.  Do ice skaters spot?  I’ve never noticed that before.  And then she says “listen” about five more times before doing a schreechy screamy thing.

I will speak nonsense and you will all love it, LOVE IT!

Dick respects him for taking this competition on, but for next week he would like Vince to be fearlest.  Yes, that’s what the man said.  He tells Vince to remember that any man afraid to make a mistake will not make anything.

Well, it made sense when I was eating my jello last night.

Let’s see what the judges’ scores are.  For technical he gets a six, four and a four.  For artistic merit, six, four and four.  So far he’s the worst scorer of the night.  Sounds right to me.

Last but not least is Bethanny Frankel.  Those of you who watch The Real Housewives of New York know exactly who she is.  And like me, you’re probably having a giggle imagining Jill’s response to Bethanny being picked for this show rather than her.

Ugh, I just saw the google alert and had to call Bawby.  So not fay-air.

Bethanny is paired up with Ethan Burgess who has been skating for nineteen years and earned a top ten spot in the 2009 national championship.  He is also straight but Bethanny thinks they should not tell her husband about that.

She seems to be having the most trouble with spinning which her routine has a lot of in the beginning.  Ethan seems like he’s kind of a tough partner, but Bethanny says she loves him and he’s happy to be with her.  Bethanny calls them the go big or go home couple.  Let’s see how that works out for them.

So she did pretty good here.  I mean, the girl is severely lacking in the rhythm department but there was some difficult stuff that she handled nicely in this routine.  Nice first showing for Bethanny.

Laurieann seems impressed with how she’s skating this soon after having a child but tells her she needs to work on relaxing her shoulders.

Dick tells her she looks spectacular and has the perfect figure for skating.  She is one skinny babe.

Was that right?

Nope.

He’d like her to be a little less static; it’s not going to bite back.

Johnny agrees with everyone and tells her she has a sick body.  He really wants her to give it her all.  He doesn’t want it to be just another part time project; instead he’d really like her to put in the work.

Buggy’s eyes bug out even more as he agrees with Johnny’s assessment that she has a sick body.  I’m sure she’s thrilled that he thinks so.  Now for the scores.  For technical she gets a five, five and five.  For artistic impression, five, four and five.  Huh?  Does anyone else think that was a bit harsh given some of the other scores the judges have given out tonight?

Bethanny actually takes the scoring well, saying she reckons that means the judges think they suck and they’ll just have to work harder.  I really don’t get how Sean Young scored higher than her.  Were the judges afraid she’d lose it or something?

And that’s it for this round of competition, Gasmi.  What did you think?  Do you think Bethanny was too harshly judged?  That Johnny was the only coherent judge on the panel?  What about Buggy?  Do you think he’s earned his nickname in more than one way?

I want to give you a heads up about the timing of these recaps.  I did tell Flipit that the earliest I will be able to get them in is going to be on the weekends.  Going forward, I will try to make it sooner in the weekend, but I can’t make that a firm promise.  I do hope that you’ll think they are worth the wait.

Until next time……

SWAK, PottyMouth