Skating with the Stars: The Final Skate (Fingers Crossed)

Skating With the Stars

By PottyMouth | Wednesday, January 5, 2011 | 10:00 am | 13 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, Recaps, Skating With the Stars


Happy New Year Gasmi!  Did you have a Merry Christmas, or Happy Hanukah or Joyous [insert name of alternate holiday you celebrate here]?  I hope Santa or [insert name of random fat dude that brings you presents here] was good to you.

So here we are, at the finale of Skating with the Sta!

SWTS20101220aBlah, blah, blah.  Shut it, Buggy.

First of all, apologies for the insane lateness of this recap.  I know I warned you that I would be late what with my family here for the holidays, but I really didn’t intend to be THIS late.  So, in order to get this out to you before my next show starts I’ll be skipping over the performance show and going right to the results.  After all, there really isn’t much to talk about for the performance…….

SWTS20101220bOther than the wrong fucking person being sent home!

What the FUCK???  I mean, I get Bethanny’s fans want to be supportive since the judges have been big ole meanies to her and all, but really? Way to make me hate you even more, show.

Let’s get this party started, shall we?

As is the case with every other end of the season results show, we start out with a clip recap of the journey of each of the finalists. Yawn.  And then, time for the opening skate, featuring Johnny and some of the pros.

SWTS20101221aI know why the caged skater……skates?  Eh.

SWTS20101221b

Feh.  The rink for this show is way too fucking small; there’s not enough room for them to do anything really exciting.  I mean, the routine was okay, but there was no wow factor there.  It’s never a good sign when you’re bored three minutes into the show.

SWTS20101221cI take dumps that are more exciting than this crap.

The booted stars are back for some special performances (except Disney kid Brandon), and I perk up for a minute thinking there’s still some time for some Sean Young wackiness.

SWTS20101221dOhpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease!

Buggy informs us that Brandon still isn’t feeling well, so he won’t be skating tonight.  But he is here to cheer on the finalists.

SWTS20101221eCue contractually obligated clapping

Tanith tells us that Bethanny and Rebecca will have to perform one more skate tonight before those scores get factored in with America’s scores to give us our first (and hopefully last) skating champion.

But first!  A recap of the entire (thankfully SHORT) season.  Yay!  FF.  What?!?  Oh, please.  You know you ff’d too.

Time for more filler.  This time it’s Sean Young and her partner performing an excerpt from one of their routines.

SWTS20101221f

Followed by Vince Neil rehashing one of his.

SWTS20101221g

Wow, Jennifer, I know you like the man, but can you please refrain from giving him head while we’re on the air?  Some skaters are so slutty.  This skate routine rehash would have been more exciting if they had reskated the parts where they both fell.

Maybe Jonny and Brooke’s reskate will be more exciting.  Hell, at least he’s nice to look at!

SWTS20101221hRobbed!

SWTS20101221i

Whoa, Jonny looked like he almost skated right off the rink!  That really got my blood pumping for a minute there.  For reals.

Wanna hear what the judges have to say about tonight’s match?  Too bad.  If I hafta, you hafta. So nanny nanny booboo.

SWTS20101221jAt least I know my panties won’t be frozen tonight!

SWTS20101221kI’ll be skating the role of Frodo later this evening.

SWTS20101221lUh-oh.  Fart.

SWTS20101221mDid you fart Button?  Did you fucking fart?

SWTS20101221nI don’t believe I stuttered when I said it.

SWTS20101221oYou smell like beef and cheese.

SWTS20101221pOh no, Laurieann.  That’s me.

We go over to Tanith and the contestants and Tanith asks Bethanny if she’s surprised to have made it so far.  Surprisingly, she is not.  Actually, I take that back; that’s not surprising to me at all.

Tanith asks Rebecca since she was so close to getting a perfect score last night, does she think she has it in her for tonight?

SWTS20101221qAll’s I know is I better win this bitch like they promised.

Think it’s time for them to skate yet?  WRONG!  Time for more filler!  This time Buggy wants us to take a look back at the thrills and spills of the competition.  Sadly, there are only three.

SWTS20101221rThree…..

SWTS20101221sTwo…..(I guess the moon walk on skates is thrilling????)

SWTS20101221tOne……(toe pick!)

I think that Sean Young crotch shot may have traumatized me for life.  Or maybe turned me on.  No.  Definitely traumatized.  Excuse me while I go call the crotch shot crisis center…………….okay, better now.

It’s FINALLY time for Bethanny and Ethan to skate.  Well, after their rehearsal footage…..

SWTS20101221uWords fail me.

Ethan says they have to perform their favorite skate, and Bethanny says that would be “Superstition” but since that was pretty much perfect, they’ll do “Round and Round” instead.  But they’re going to beef it up a bit since her skating has improved so much since then.


SWTS20101221v

SWTS20101221w

This actually is the best I’ve seen Bethanny skate on the show.  She still lacks natural grace while “dancing” but I think she looks more relaxed than she ever has so far.  Maybe she popped a valium before the show.

Let’s see what the judges have to say.  Madame Pompadour?

SWTS20101221xI’m sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy your fans kept you around.  Really.  No, really, really.

SWTS20101221yHe’s a liar; he was just saying how much he hates you.

SWTS20101221zI think I misplaced my brain.  Have you seen it?  Never mind.  I found it under Dick’s button.

The judges all give her kudos for how much she’s grown and I keep thinking if only they’d been nicer sooner, maybe Jonny would have not been eliminated last night.

Enough blowing smoke up Bethanny’s ass!  Let’s get to the scores.  For technical merit she gets an 8,7,8.  For artistic impression, a 10, 9,9.  What a fucking joke THAT is.  Really Laurieann?  A fucking 10?  Someone stick a fork in me because I am D- U-N.

The best is Bethanny’s reaction; she looks like she thinks the judges have been hitting the crack pipe.

SWTS20101221aaWeeelllll….I may have laced their food with angel dust.

SWTS20101221abLooks like Buggy got a double dose.

What a fuckwad he is.

Time for Rebecca and Fred.

SWTS20101221acWe’re not wearing those retarded Christmas sweaters, right?

Of course right!

They decide to reskate (and rework) “Hot and Cold”.  I think Rebecca really enjoys wearing that corset leotard looking thingy.


SWTS20101221ad

SWTS20101221ae

Is it just me or does it seem like there are an abundance of crotch shots tonight?

The skate was good, definitely better than Bethanny’s which means she should win, but who the fuck knows in this competition?  Let’s see what the judges have to say.

SWTS20101221af

Dammit!  My panties are frozen again!

SWTS20101221agMine are too.  A wee bit.

SWTS20101221ahIt’s like a winter wonderland of frozen underwear up in here.

Of course they adore her.  I know you’re SOOOO shocked about that.  Let’s see what she gets for scores.  For technical merit, 10,10,10 and for artistic impression, another 10,10,10.  Whatever.  I wouldn’t give her all tens either, but we’re almost at the end, so I’ll just go with it.

At long, long last, it’s time to crown the winner.  And the winner is……………

SWTS20101221aiTold ya!

Yep, that’s right folks.  Rebecca wins it all in a shocking upset that absolutely NO ONE saw coming from a million miles away.  What does she win you ask?

SWTS20101221ajBronzed skates!

Awwww, I wonder if they were her first pair?  And with that, this godawful show comes to an end.  Phew!  We survived it Gasmi.  We made it through the pain, we kept ourselves collected, we made it through the pain, we made it through the poo.

Thanks for hanging in there with me though this dreck; knowing that you’ve been here as well is really the only thing that’s kept me writing on this one.  You are the wind beneath my wings.  Single tear.

I hope you’ll all join me for my next show; it’s bound to be INFINITELY better than this one.  I’ll give you a hint:  A crazy seal clapping, pill popping (and denying) gal is at the helm.  Hope to see you there!

SWAK, PottyMouth



PottyMouth

When she isn't screaming curses at various dance show judges or washing her OWN mouth out with soap, PottyMouth is a proud mama to a gorgeous little boy. And yes, she knows everyone says that about their kids, but it's true when she says it. YES IT IS. Fuck you. She also laments throwing away the chance to be a trophy wife, and would like to find a rich husband so she can sit on her ass all day long and watch TV. If you are fabulously wealthy, look like Hugh Jackman (or ARE in fact Hugh Jackman), and are turned on by foul-mouthed, mature, slightly smooshy women, then she just may be the gal for you. Please send picture, references and your latest bank statement for review.

13 Comments

  1. 1
    Angela Parisi LaRoe
    Posted January 5, 2011 at 11:33 am

    Is it Paula Abdul? I win!

    Great recap PottyMouth. SO sorry you had to watch this disaster. I was hoping Bethanney would win to stick it in their faces as well as The Zarin’s face. No such luck.

  2. 2
    dazzyfresh
    Posted January 5, 2011 at 11:35 am

    Ok I would have guessed Angie Dickinson, but Angela’s answer is way better. I didnt even know this show was on, but i love you Pottymouth so I read (im so lOVING in this new year! Or is it the valium? helium? I need a vacation)

  3. 3
    zbird
    Posted January 5, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    Way to take one for the team Pottymouth, and you kept it funny the whole frickin’ way through this godawful mess of a show. The only halfway decent person on that show is Tanith. The rest should collectively ice skate their way over Niagara Falls.

    Can’t wait to read your recaps for the Paula show! What’s it called? Dance something or other but I cannot remember.

    xoxoxoxoxo,
    zbird

  4. 4
    proda
    Posted January 5, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    pottymouth, for your sake I hope this show is over for ever! You were really saddled with the worst show of the year. I did try to watch it but even for someone with my patheticly bad taste in entertainment, even I couldn’t watch it. I said this before but the first season with Buffy the Vampire girl et al, was one of my favorite shows but something went very wrong here with this show. Bad, bad, bad for everyone involved especially poor pottymouth who actually had to watch it and then relive it online. Have a great new year and I hope you have better shows to showcase your humor than crap like this.

  5. 5
    juddfan
    Posted January 6, 2011 at 10:44 am

    Thanks for your givin’ and lovin’ Potty!!! What else can be said that hasn’t already been. I WAS happy to see Sean back . . . but not enough crazy (perhaps the Desperate Housewives should be thinking about a new neighbor, wink wink)

    Jonny was robbed, but eh . . . that Disney kid can eat shit . . . .sorry dude, but oh how you’ve completely failed and brought on the hate and wrath of people who didn’t even know you exhist . . . way to extend your career . . . now go puke some more!!! And, how petty of me to add, but he’s one fug little disney creature at that . . . aren’t they supposed to be cute . . .

    (no, I never do go for the scrawny, scruffy types, so sue me!)

    ( If they ever do Scooby in the Hood, I know just who to cast as Shaggy!)

    Lord, I’m awful . . . kind of a shame they can’t figure out how to make skating more exciting and accessible . . . maybe if they try a competition between pro’s . . . ya know, some of the name ones, give ‘em a chance to go head to head in challenges . . . well, anyhoo, that’s why I’m a snarky commenter here and not a TV producer-hee . ..

    As much as I “Live to Dance” . . . I’m just not sure about that one . . . it’s sittin’ in the que for now, perhaps I can do it in small doses.

    One thing that would get me watching fer sure would be J-mo trying out!!!! Maybe he’s got a surprise for us bigger than that head in “Total Recall”

    XOXOXOXO Potty!!!! Always and Forevah!

  6. 6
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted January 7, 2011 at 8:27 am

    Sean Young thought she was still competing…and can’t figure out why she didn’t get to take the shiny skate statue home.

    I’m so sorry you had to suffer through this “competition.” I hope your liquor held out. Looks like you might need some more for the latest Paula Abdul offering.

  7. 7
    juddfan
    Posted January 7, 2011 at 11:44 am

    Catty, perhaps your husband could drive over to the liquor store for her! hee

  8. 8
    PottyMouth PottyMouth
    Posted January 9, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    I love you guys! Honestly I would have quit on this drivel had it not been for you toughing it out with me.

    Angela: You are correct! But be honest. Did you make that guess before or after Flipit posted the About Last Night mini recap?

    dazzyfresh: Ha! Angie Dickinson! Every time I hear her name I automatically think of Dressed to Kill. Weird, huh? Please send me some of that valium and helium because I am as cranky as ever in this New Year!

    zbird: I would LOVE to recap them skating off Niagra Falls! That would be AWESOME. It’s Live to Dance and the recap for the first epi should be posted soon. See you over there!

    proda: If this show ever comes back Flipit is going to have to do his Jedi mind tricking on someone else. There’s no way in hell I would recap a second season of this pile of horse shit.

    juddfan: Having already made it through the first couple episodes of Live to Dance I have to say, I’m glad J-Mo didn’t audition for that one. I still REALLY REALLY REALLY want to see him and his awesome crew audition for ABDC. Someone PLEASE make that happen.

    cattyfan: Wouldn’t it have been great if she tried to grab it and run? And your prediction was right. I did need booze for Paula’s show. Too bad she didn’t have some too. Fingers crossed for next time!

    Thanks again to all of you who read and commented on this drivel. You are some tough cookies! I hope to see you all over at Live to Dance where we can throw things at the TV together. Oh yeah, it’s definitely shaping up to be a piss me off show. I can feel it.

    SWAK, PottyMouth

  9. 9
    Angela Parisi LaRoe
    Posted January 9, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    @PottyMouth: I didn’t read Flipit’s About Last Night. When you said a seal-clapping, pill-popping judge, there is no one else it could be. Well, it could be Laurie-Ann Gibson but Paula is actually likable.

    To be honest PottyMouth, I knew The Paula was judging. All I have seen is ads for that show. I feel bad because it looks like a show you are going to have to truck through like this show. You have my respect and sympathy.

  10. 10
    PottyMouth PottyMouth
    Posted January 9, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    Angela, I was just foolin with ya. I figured the seal clapping alone would give it away! God, I hope that Paula’s show doesn’t turn out to be as bad as this one! This was by far my worst show ever to recap, and I’ve had a couple of stinkers along the way. At least there’s always a possibility that someone could slip some booze or pills into Paula’s drink. Fingers crossed!

  11. 11
    Robin Robinez
    Posted January 9, 2011 at 9:52 pm

    Good Job, Potty Mouth. Turning a turd into funny shit is hard. :-_)

    “At least there’s always a possibility that someone could slip some booze or pills into Paula’s drink. ” I am sure if someone else doesn’t do it, Paula will. heh..

  12. 12
    juddfan
    Posted January 10, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    Thanks Potty, and I have to agree with Angela when I shudder just a bit at your new assignment. I watched the first kid come out, and I honestly thought they were just going to judge in or out and move on . . . but no . . . we had to go round the table a few times with comments–ugh!!! I don’t mind the people who try out, the experts, the every people, the joke people–even the ones who don’t realize they are a joke, but the judges and the drivel–moan! Idol has just worn me out. I’ll have to see if I can get through the rest. At worst, I can just FF the comments.

    Weirdly, I like Paula’s crazy, I’ve always noticed that blonde pussycat, and admired her “flexibility”! And she seems sweet and un-jaded, and the guy seemed alright too, but I dunno–burnt-out, I suppose. I’ve been kinda busy lately too, so it’s been good that there’s nothing on!

    I”ll try and catch the caps anyway . . . ; )

    Ps. I’m a bit afraid to wonder why you’re glad no J-mo and crew!? Is it even worse than I think . . . eeeek!

  13. 13
    PottyMouth PottyMouth
    Posted January 10, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    Robinez, you are soooooo silly. Paula doesn’t drink or pop pills. Just ask her. ;)

    juddfan, If we were going to be blessed with J-Mo and his crew on a dance show I’d want it to be ABDC not Paula’s shitty show. And I’m not a mind reader but…….I think it might be. We’ll see how it pans out this week for the actual first semi final round. Then the true shittiness will be able to be calculated.

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