Happy New Year Gasmi! Did you have a Merry Christmas, or Happy Hanukah or Joyous [insert name of alternate holiday you celebrate here]? I hope Santa or [insert name of random fat dude that brings you presents here] was good to you.
So here we are, at the finale of Skating with the Sta!
Blah, blah, blah. Shut it, Buggy.
First of all, apologies for the insane lateness of this recap. I know I warned you that I would be late what with my family here for the holidays, but I really didn’t intend to be THIS late. So, in order to get this out to you before my next show starts I’ll be skipping over the performance show and going right to the results. After all, there really isn’t much to talk about for the performance…….
Other than the wrong fucking person being sent home!
What the FUCK??? I mean, I get Bethanny’s fans want to be supportive since the judges have been big ole meanies to her and all, but really? Way to make me hate you even more, show.
Let’s get this party started, shall we?
As is the case with every other end of the season results show, we start out with a clip recap of the journey of each of the finalists. Yawn. And then, time for the opening skate, featuring Johnny and some of the pros.
I know why the caged skater……skates? Eh.
Feh. The rink for this show is way too fucking small; there’s not enough room for them to do anything really exciting. I mean, the routine was okay, but there was no wow factor there. It’s never a good sign when you’re bored three minutes into the show.
I take dumps that are more exciting than this crap.
The booted stars are back for some special performances (except Disney kid Brandon), and I perk up for a minute thinking there’s still some time for some Sean Young wackiness.
Buggy informs us that Brandon still isn’t feeling well, so he won’t be skating tonight. But he is here to cheer on the finalists.
Cue contractually obligated clapping
Tanith tells us that Bethanny and Rebecca will have to perform one more skate tonight before those scores get factored in with America’s scores to give us our first (and hopefully last) skating champion.
But first! A recap of the entire (thankfully SHORT) season. Yay! FF. What?!? Oh, please. You know you ff’d too.
Time for more filler. This time it’s Sean Young and her partner performing an excerpt from one of their routines.
Followed by Vince Neil rehashing one of his.
Wow, Jennifer, I know you like the man, but can you please refrain from giving him head while we’re on the air? Some skaters are so slutty. This skate routine rehash would have been more exciting if they had reskated the parts where they both fell.
Maybe Jonny and Brooke’s reskate will be more exciting. Hell, at least he’s nice to look at!
Whoa, Jonny looked like he almost skated right off the rink! That really got my blood pumping for a minute there. For reals.
Wanna hear what the judges have to say about tonight’s match? Too bad. If I hafta, you hafta. So nanny nanny booboo.
At least I know my panties won’t be frozen tonight!
I’ll be skating the role of Frodo later this evening.
Did you fart Button? Did you fucking fart?
I don’t believe I stuttered when I said it.
You smell like beef and cheese.
Oh no, Laurieann. That’s me.
We go over to Tanith and the contestants and Tanith asks Bethanny if she’s surprised to have made it so far. Surprisingly, she is not. Actually, I take that back; that’s not surprising to me at all.
Tanith asks Rebecca since she was so close to getting a perfect score last night, does she think she has it in her for tonight?
All’s I know is I better win this bitch like they promised.
Think it’s time for them to skate yet? WRONG! Time for more filler! This time Buggy wants us to take a look back at the thrills and spills of the competition. Sadly, there are only three.
Two…..(I guess the moon walk on skates is thrilling????)
I think that Sean Young crotch shot may have traumatized me for life. Or maybe turned me on. No. Definitely traumatized. Excuse me while I go call the crotch shot crisis center…………….okay, better now.
It’s FINALLY time for Bethanny and Ethan to skate. Well, after their rehearsal footage…..
Words fail me.
Ethan says they have to perform their favorite skate, and Bethanny says that would be “Superstition” but since that was pretty much perfect, they’ll do “Round and Round” instead. But they’re going to beef it up a bit since her skating has improved so much since then.
This actually is the best I’ve seen Bethanny skate on the show. She still lacks natural grace while “dancing” but I think she looks more relaxed than she ever has so far. Maybe she popped a valium before the show.
Let’s see what the judges have to say. Madame Pompadour?
I’m sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy your fans kept you around. Really. No, really, really.
He’s a liar; he was just saying how much he hates you.
I think I misplaced my brain. Have you seen it? Never mind. I found it under Dick’s button.
The judges all give her kudos for how much she’s grown and I keep thinking if only they’d been nicer sooner, maybe Jonny would have not been eliminated last night.
Enough blowing smoke up Bethanny’s ass! Let’s get to the scores. For technical merit she gets an 8,7,8. For artistic impression, a 10, 9,9. What a fucking joke THAT is. Really Laurieann? A fucking 10? Someone stick a fork in me because I am D- U-N.
The best is Bethanny’s reaction; she looks like she thinks the judges have been hitting the crack pipe.
Weeelllll….I may have laced their food with angel dust.
Looks like Buggy got a double dose.
What a fuckwad he is.
Time for Rebecca and Fred.
We’re not wearing those retarded Christmas sweaters, right?
Of course right!
They decide to reskate (and rework) “Hot and Cold”. I think Rebecca really enjoys wearing that corset leotard looking thingy.
Is it just me or does it seem like there are an abundance of crotch shots tonight?
The skate was good, definitely better than Bethanny’s which means she should win, but who the fuck knows in this competition? Let’s see what the judges have to say.
Dammit! My panties are frozen again!
Mine are too. A wee bit.
It’s like a winter wonderland of frozen underwear up in here.
Of course they adore her. I know you’re SOOOO shocked about that. Let’s see what she gets for scores. For technical merit, 10,10,10 and for artistic impression, another 10,10,10. Whatever. I wouldn’t give her all tens either, but we’re almost at the end, so I’ll just go with it.
At long, long last, it’s time to crown the winner. And the winner is……………
Yep, that’s right folks. Rebecca wins it all in a shocking upset that absolutely NO ONE saw coming from a million miles away. What does she win you ask?
Awwww, I wonder if they were her first pair? And with that, this godawful show comes to an end. Phew! We survived it Gasmi. We made it through the pain, we kept ourselves collected, we made it through the pain, we made it through the poo.
Thanks for hanging in there with me though this dreck; knowing that you’ve been here as well is really the only thing that’s kept me writing on this one. You are the wind beneath my wings. Single tear.
I hope you’ll all join me for my next show; it’s bound to be INFINITELY better than this one. I’ll give you a hint: A crazy seal clapping, pill popping (and denying) gal is at the helm. Hope to see you there!