Skating with the Stars: The Neverending Skating

Gasmi, are you ready for another round of frozen grimaces, rambling senior citizens, crazy pompadours, and epic stomach viruses?  Well then lace up those skates and toe pick your way over ‘cause it’s time for Skating with the Sta!

Poor Buggy, it must suck to be such a horrible host.  But he talks is through last week’s show before telling us tonight show will be even more dramatic.  Feh.  I think I’ve heard that one before.

Time for the opening skate.  This time the remaining pros (plus Vince’s pro) skate to “Baby its Cold Outside”.

Doesn’t look much warmer inside.

Buggy reminds us all of the three trips to the hospital that happened last week and wonders what this week might bring; don’t worry though; they’ve got 911 on speed dial.  Phew!  I was worried because 911 takes FOREVER to dial.

For this week’s required elements the stars must choose two out of three of the most thrilling moves in figure skating.  Their choices?  The death spiral, the throw, or the overhead lift.  Tanith tells us that if they make the wrong choice this night of thrills could turn into a night of spills.  Ooohhhh, let’s hope so!

Let’s bring out the Sta!

Rut roh.

That’s right; Disney kid is not to be found in the opening lineup.  I wonder if he’s really here and they’re just trying to create some drama, or is he still sick?  Of course we’re not going to get directly to that answer; we’ve got some time to kill first.

There goes the ambulance.

Waaaaaaahhhh!

They landed smack dab in the middle despite not having skated.  But would Brandon ever compete again???

My fucking ass is cold.

Great, now I’ll be shitting ice cubes.

I think my ass is frozen to this spot.  Seriously, I can’t move.

But wait!  Could it be?

Dude, you look like shit.  Should you be hugging me?

No, I’ve just given you the plague.

Brandon tells Keauna (and us) that he’s had a really bad stomach virus and has been on bed rest for four days.  He feels bad for letting his partner down.  She has faith in him that he can get this routine down.

In comes John Zimmerman who will be helping out each pair with their tricks this week.

And providing some much needed eye candy.

They work on their required elements and it seems like Brandon is having some difficulty lifting Keauna.  Either he’s still not fully recovered or girlfriend’s been hitting the all you can eat buffet.  Will he be able to perform tonight?

Nope.

Someone doesn’t look too happy.

Brandon wants to thank all his fans and supporters for supporting him.  Buggy tells him his enthusiasm and personality have been infectious.  He just hopes what’s in Brandon’s stomach is not that infectious.

Dude, everyone thinks you are LAME.

After a montage of Brandon’s best moments, Buggy asks if he has any parting words to say to his partner Keauna.

Thanks for not stabbing me in my sleep when you found out I was leaving.

He thanks her for pushing him and says he’s found a friend for life.  He thanks her and also ABC family in allowing him to bless us all with a good time.  Oh yes.  Blessed is DEFINITELY how I feel when watching this show.  Yup.  That’s the word I’ve been searching for.

So how will this affect the remaining stars and competition?  Well, basically this week is now a waste of a show because no one will be going home.  That’s right, Gasmi.  There will be no elimination this week.   There will however be skating.  Ugh.  Can’t we all just go home and come back next week?

We plan on torturing you all for as long as we can.

First up is Bethanny.  We relive Johnny telling her the judging isn’t personal and her telling Tanith she could give a rat’s ass what the judges think.  She tells us she’s competing with a guy that didn’t even skate, and is annoyed that Brandon placed above her not skating.  Here comes John Zimmerman to help them with their tricks……

Mmmmmmmm…………

What was I saying?  Bethanny tells us these are the most dangerous moves she’s ever done but she trusts her partner.  Gee, I would hope so at this point.  Because Bethanny had to go back to New York for a meeting, she brought Ethan with her so they could go skating in Central Park.  How completely unplanned and spontaneous!

Lucky for them someone happened by and taped it for the show.

Can we bring John Zimmerman back?  No?  Okay, I guess it’s time for Bethanny routine.

It’s really the same crap every week with her; she’s not very graceful looking.  I don’t know that Rebecca actually does a hell of a lot more than Bethanny does, but she definitely looks better doing it.  And I can’t even go into the faces Bethanny makes while skating.  They are horrifying and I think may be the cause of the night terrors I have recently begun experiencing.

Let’s go over to the judges.  You know, I’m not sure that those of you that don’t watch the show can truly appreciate how far into dementia Dick Button has descended.  So, instead of being all jokey about his comments this week, I am going to transcribe them word for word.  Get ready for Loony City.

“Permit me to introduce myself:  I am the Betty Weiss of the ice world. “

Does he mean Betty WHITE?  Shit!  Just smile, don’t panic, smile.

“Now.  I’m saying that because both Betty White and I have been around for a long time and therefore we don’t give a rusty hoot what we say or what other people think about what we say.  And that allows us to go once again into the point that I’ve been harping on.  Please.  Bend zee knees, bend zee knees.”

Okay, there’s more but I don’t feel like filling up a bazillion pages with Dick’s inane babbling.  I think you get the point, right?  He ends his comments with “Ice is nice, but liquor can be quicker.”

CLEARLY he knows what he talking about.

Laurieann?

I don’t know if I can top Mr Weiss over there so I’ll just babble about nothing and shout out “More dance” when Buggy tells me to wrap it up.

You don’t care what we think, I don’t care to talk to you.  Rama lama ding dong.

Johnny gets booed for that one and Ethan blurts out, “We’ll just get our scores then.”  Hee!  I know some people were pissed at Johnny for what he said, but I cracked up.  At least it adds a little drama to an otherwise godawful show.

Tanith asks Bethanny for her reaction and she just thinks the whole thing is silly.  She’s having fun and wearing sequins, and really, isn’t that what skating is all about?  She’s frustrated only because she lost a sequin during their performance.  Well, that lost sequin is gonna cost her.  She scores a 666 for technical merit (are the judges calling her SATAN?) and a seven, six, seven for artistic merit.

Ethan’s attempts to smile are even more frightening than Bethanny’s grimace.

Next up are Jonny and Brooke.  Brooke’s happy John Zimmerman is there to help them out this week considering Jonny sliced her finger open last week.  Jonny is also happy because Zimmerman can talk to him manno e manno.

Hey, you guys up for a threesome later?

John likes working with Jonny because being an Olympian he understands the work that needs to go into something like this.

Wow.  He almost lost it at the end there; I thought for sure he was going down.  You know, the thing I like about Jonny is that he always seem to be having a great time.  So it doesn’t matter if he’s a like awkward in parts because he just seems to be having a blast and that always makes me smile.  Hey, I’ll take all the smiling I can get during this show.  Judges?

I want you to lift my legs me.  Will you lift my legs me?  LIFT MY FUCKING LEGS MEEEEEEEE

She also really appreciates how seriously he takes the competition and that he listens to the judges.  Oooooo….burn on Bethanny!

I got chills, they’re multiplying………………

The slightest, the caught in the rut, guts on the ice!  Yes!

Before they get their scores Tanith wants to know how difficult he thinks this competition is.  It’s like super hard, yo.  Thanks Jonny.  For technical merit they score a 999 which means he’s the savior to Bethanny’s devil.  For artistic impression, another 999 making him the double savior.

Last to go is Rebecca.  She’s all sourpussy because Jonny scored higher than her last week.

Didn’t he get the memo that I’m supposed to win this thing?!?!?!

So now she’s determined to kick his ass.  Here comes John again!

So…..Mosely turned me down, and Bethanny scares the crap out of me.  What do you guys think about a threesome?

John tells her she need to trust her partner.  She’s whining again during their rehearsal and tells us she wishes she felt more secure.  I wonder if Fred wears ear plugs during their rehearsals?

Was her ass meant to be sticking up in the air?

No, no it was not.

Johnny wants her to stop relying on Fred so much; he wants to be able to visualize her skating on her own.

“I am happy to say I have four points.  Number one, I just loved those lifts that you were doing; they were really spiffy and ex, absolutely excellent.  Number two.  That death spiral is actually a life spiral, also a death spiral, but called technically a life spiral.  First done in the 1960’s by (unintelligible Russian names), and it was lovely.  And the third point I want to make is when he lifted you in that double armed lift you’re supposed to be in a swan lift but I will tell you also that you have the nicest bottom in this whole competition and it was sticking straight up there and the Olympic rules say don’t do it that way and I say this is NOT an Olympic competition, do anything you want.”

And no, that is not me making fun of Dick.  That is word for word what Dick said.  He better hope no one uses this at his commitment hearing; he’ll be in the loony bin for life!  Also, didn’t he say he had four points to make?

Listen, I can’t top that kind crazy.

Tanith wants to know how brave Rebecca was feeling going into tonight’s skate.  She avoids a direct answer to the question instead pointing out how lucky she is to have Fred for a partner.  Well played, Rebecca, well played.  Her scores?  989 for technical merit which doesn’t earn her savior status, but also doesn’t cast her into the bowels of hell.  For artistic impression, a 999.  So she’s half the savior that Jonny is.

As we leave the show, Keauna skates the routine she would have skated with Brandon had he not been barfing and passing out all over the place.  Stepping in for him is Denis Whatshisname, Sean Young’s partner.

And since Brandon bailed, there you have it, Gasmi.  What did you think of this week’s show?  Were you sad that Brandon quit?  Do you think Bethanny and Johnny might get into a catfight before this season ends?  Who do you think will win?

I thought for sure that Rebecca had this thing all sewn up, but I’m now thinking that Jonny might steal it out from under her.  Either way, I think we all know that there’s no chance in hell that Bethanny’s winning this thing.

Just a heads up; I’m having everyone at my house this year for Christmas so I definitely won’t be able to write the final recaps until after Christmas.  I’ll definitely get them to you all before New Year’s though!  Until then…..

SWAK, PottyMouth