Skins: Boobs and Boners

I have something to admit. In the last week and a half, I’ve watched the first two seasons (or “series”) of the UK Skins on Netflix. So now you guys have to listen to me bitch even more about how much worse this show is when you compare it to the original. Sorry. I’ll try and keep it to a minimum.

So, last week: Stanley pretended that he had sex with Cadie and Tea’s dad ran off the creepy drug dealer that was after Stanley.

This week is Chris’s episode. Chris likes pills.

Erectagra? Really? It sounds like a dinosaur. And what do you think Orthosex is?

Chris wakes up one morning with a boner. Well, at least they’re getting some things fairly realistic on this show. Chris then feeds his fish some kind of pill and some weed before he heads towards the bathroom to pee. When he does,  he pees straight up. Okay, so from what Mr. Stardust has told me, it is pretty much impossible for a guy to pee while he has a boner.

Can anyone here confirm if this is possible??

So, Chris hops in his disgustingly dirty shower and just pisses in there. I really hope he rinsed the pee off his feet. Ew. After his pee, he goes to the kitchen and sees an envelope on the counter full of money and a note from his mom.

Mother of the Year.

I guess Chris can’t count, so he invites Tony, Daisy, and Stanley over to count his money. Tony confirms there is a thousand dollars there. Abbud and Tea show up and Abbud sings the most obnoxious song ever about Abbud having money and horny bitches or something like that. He wishes. Tony tells Chris to cheer up and ask himself how he’s going to spend all that money. Tony is an idiot and a terrible friend. Just wanted to throw that out there.

Of course Chris blows the money on non-stop partying. You’d think he’d be able to afford better drugs than Viagra. Please tell me that isn’t actually a street drug now.

No, I don’t know why he’s dressed like a cross between Captain America and Elvis.

Tea and Abbud are in the kitchen and Tea says that Chris has had an erection for fifteen hours. Abbud says he’s holding it down with duct tape.

Which I think is failing.

Abbud asks Tea to dance and she turns him down saying she doesn’t dance with dudes. Which is stupid. I’m a heterosexual female and I’ll dance with straight men, gay men, women, whoever. Tea’s just kind of a bitch. She finally agrees to dance with Abbud once Tony comes in and wants to talk to her. I guess she’s trying to avoid him after his attempt to turn her straight.

Meanwhile, Stanley is lying drunk in the hallway with some girl and pouring his heart out about how he’s in love with Michelle. That’s a surefire way to get someone to sleep with you. And yes, this actually IS his lead in to “I have needs and was hoping you do too”.  Then the girls pukes all over him. I probably would too if I had to listen to him blab about Michelle any longer.

Poor girl.

Cadie shows up to the party and gets all sad when Stanley ignores her. They’re doing a terrible job of pretending that they’re having sex. Plus, I don’t get why they don’t just do it. She obviously likes him and he’ll obviously do just about anyone at this point. Win-win.

Apparently Chris invited his teacher, Tina, to the party. You know, the blonde one that cries a lot. Well, he kind of tricked her into coming by telling her that his parents wanted to discuss his grades over dinner. Chris asks her to dance. She gets all flustered and eventually gives in. These two have TERRIBLE chemistry. Here’s where I compare them to the UK Chris and his teacher Angie. Those two were actually believable.

She looks more like a blowup doll than a teacher.

vs.

Angie. Doesn’t she look like Katy Perry??

Chris’s boner (which this episode seems to be more about than him) scares her away and she runs outside.  He chases after her but she drives off anyways.

Back inside the party, Tony and Michelle are getting ready to have sex in Chris’s room. Tony’s an ass and tells Michelle that his favorite thing about her is that one of her boobs is bigger than the other. Just what every high school girl wants to hear. She’s going to have a complex for the rest of her life now.

Pasty, pudgy, AND an asshole. What girl could resist that?

Stanley bursts in before they get busy. He’s looking for a clean, non-puke stained t-shirt and sees Michelle lying naked in bed. He gets all awkward and Michelle takes this opportunity to pull the covers down and ask Stanley what he thinks of her tits.  In between all of the stuttering, he tells her that his eyes are blurring. Poor kid.

I prefer to believe that he can’t see because OF HIS DAMN HAIR IN HIS EYES.

Stanley leaves and Michelle tells Tony that his eyes should blur too. Ugh. Is that like the new “you’re my favorite brand of heroin”?

Sometime the next morning, everyone at the party is finally passed out but Chris and Daisy. Daisy says she can’t sleep in other people’s houses. Chris offers to walk her home, but she says she lives miles away. Daisy asks Chris where his mom is and he says he has no idea.

In the living room, Stanley is sitting on the couch with Cadie draped across his lap and he’s still talking about Michelle. Cadie doesn’t give a shit. There’s nothing more torturous for a girl than to listen to a guy you like talk about another girl. Cadie then flat out tells him that they can stop pretending to have sex and just do it. Stanley’s says “sure, whatever”, then resumes talking about Michelle and her boobs. No wonder he’s never gotten laid. Good God.

Poor Cadie.

Chris ordered over a hundred dollars worth of pizza for everyone, but he’s out of money. He still needs fifteen more dollars, so he tells the pizza guy to wait a minute while he goes upstairs to his mom’s room to get money.

Chris starts going through his mom’s dresser and realizes that all of her stuff is gone. He checks her wardrobe and it’s empty as well. You’d think she could have at least warned the kid in the note she left so he wouldn’t think he only had a couple of days to blow a thousand bucks.

Why is there always that one screw or thumbtack left?

Chris hears Stanley and Tony coming down the hallway and for some reason decides to hide in the wardrobe. He fails since wardrobes usually aren’t intended to be shut from the inside. All of his squirming around in there causes the wardrobe to fall over with him in it and he bursts out the back Alien-style.

Because THAT’S easy to explain…

Tony and Stanley ask him if he’s okay and he tells them that his mom took everything. Then they talk about Chris’s dick. Because that’s totally where a conversation about your mom should lead.

Now everyone (plus the pizza guy) are in the living room watching some kind of exercise video from the 80′s on TV. Seriously, there’s gold lame (“la-may”…not “lame”. I don’t have a clue how to make an accent mark on here) and everything.

Abbud announces that he’s always wanted to bang a female bodybuilder. Is anyone else getting highly annoyed by Abbud? He looks twelve and he’s an idiot. I want to punch him every time he speaks.

And he dresses like this.

I guess Tea is starting to suspect that the whole Stanley-banging-Cadie story is bullshit, so she starts asking Stanley about sexual positions. He’s a terrible liar. Cadie isn’t helping. Stanley tries to say they have “traditional” sex, but Cadie says it was wild. Everyone kind of figures out they’re lying, but no one seems to really care that much. I don’t either.

Cadie changes the subject to the pizza that the delivery guy is still holding in his lap. Cadie tells Chris that he won’t let them eat any. Chris then admits that he doesn’t have enough money to pay for it and asks if anyone has any cash. He tells everyone the the $1000 his mom left is gone.

Why the hell is the pizza guy still there anyways?

Since his mom probably isn’t coming back, Chris and Stanley decide to try and return the stereo system that he bought. They haul it back to the store in a rusty old wheelbarrow and tire to return it to a pimply-faced employee who points out that there is a toaster pastry in the CD drawer. The dude refuses to do the return since the stereo is trashed. Chris says he’ll clean it up and return it later, but I’m trying to figure out why the hell he didn’t try to do that in the first place. Also, how did the store guy open the CD drawer without plugging it in?? So many questions.

What kind of electronics store has stairs you have to climb to get to the customer service desk?

Chris then offers to tell the guy how to get rid of his zits if he takes the stereo back. The guy asks how and Chris tells him to piss on a piece of toilet paper and rub it on your face. Zit guy says he already tried that. Ew and ew. Please tell me that’s not a real thing that people do. Anyway, the guy refuses to take it back.

The next scene is really weird. They wheel the stereo into what looks like a pawn shop and as soon as they step through the door the guy in the store starts screaming at them to get out. Can anyone explain to me why? Do pawn shops not take stereos? Did he recognize Chris or Stanley? What the fuck is going on?

What the fuck is his problem?

The next logical place to go is the junkyard. Apparently the owner is the guy Chris buys his pills off of.

He might also be one of the dirtiest, grossest looking human beings I’ve ever seen.

He asks Chris if he wants some more pills, but Chris tells him he’s selling today. Dirtbag doesn’t want a stereo, but he does want the wheelbarrow. He offers Chris twenty bucks, but Chris decides to take pills as payment instead.

We then get a montage of Chris being fucked up for a few days. I guess he runs out of pills because eventually he wakes up to his house a wreck and his fish dead. He goes to flush the fish and his toilet is even torn out of the floor. He drops the fish down the open pipe and goes to take a shower.

Except there’s a homeless guy living in his bathtub.

Chris tries to kick the guy out, but the end up getting in a scuffle that results in Chris falling down the stairs. Chris tries to shove the guy out the front door and he ends up getting pushed outside and locked out by the homeless guy. Instead of trying a window or at least asking the guy to throw him a pair of pants, Chris just walks down the street naked.

Of course Mr. Stardust happened to walk in on this scene and I had to explain why there was a teenager’s bare ass on my TV.

Chris ends up at the school in Tina’s classroom, wrapped in a blanket. He explains everything to her about his mom leaving and him blowing all the money she left. Then he drops the blanket and asks Tina if they could ever….but she interrupts him there and puts the blanket back around him.

Good thing she had a blanket just lying around the classroom.

Then all of Chris’s friends burst in and brought him some pants. I guess they borrowed them from someone’s seven-year-old brother, because they’re tiny. Did none of the other guys have any clothes he could borrow? They all tell him to just try living on his own. Then he tells them that he has a dad. Everyone looks surprised. I’m guessing he’s a deadbeat.

Daisy decides to go with Chris to see his dad. They knock on the door of a nice middle-class home and this lady answers the door:

Why, hello there, Ms. Stepford Wife.

She’s really sweet, but she seems pretty flustered to see Chris. His dad isn’t home, but they decide to wait for him. Oh and Stepford Wife and Chris’s dad have a new baby. I’m guessing Dad found a new family and decided to pretend he didn’t have an old one. Jerk.

Stepford Wife decides to bring out old baby photos of Chris. Chris says there aren’t any of him, but she finds one anyways and shows it to Daisy. Chris tells them that it isn’t him – it’s his brother Peter. Daisy seems surprised to hear that Chris has a brother. I’m not, because they are STILL using the exact same plot lines from the UK series.

Chris’s dad comes home and argues with Stepford Wife in the other room about Chris. His dad doesn’t want to see him. Chris hears him and runs out of the house.

Daisy follows Chris all the way to the graveyard – to Peter’s grave. Does anyone else wonder if they’ll have the balls to do to Chris what happened to him at the end of the UK series? I won’t spoil it, but it was CRAZY.

I don’t know why, but I find him to be so adorable. I just want to give him a hug (in a completely non-creepy way).

Chris starts to tell Daisy about the best day of life. It starts out sounding like someone’s worst day of their life. Chris says that he peed his pants once at a Cub Scout meeting and everyone laughed at him. Then his bigger, cooler brother took him to the bathroom and gave him his shorts. His brother walked back out in his underwear and no one laughed. It’s a really sweet story. I love Chris. He’s practicality he only kid in this cast who can act. And I love his little raspy voice.

Daisy asks if he thinks his mom is going to come back. Chris tells that she’s still around because there are fresh flowers on Peter’s grave. Dear Lord. What a worthless, piece of shit mother. You’d abandon your kid then have the balls to stay in the same town? Then Chris takes the flowers and leaves a joint in their place.

Back at Tony’s house, everyone is drinking and watching that same terrible 80′s exercise video. They’re playing a drinking game where they drink whenever there is a camel toe, nipple, or asscrack. Michelle asks what a camel toe is. Everyone groans along with me. Who doesn’t know that??

Dumbass Abbud then pronounces the he sees a nipple and wants to run the shitty video in slow motion. Okay, so these kids can buy copious amounts of alcohol, but they can’t get their hands on some real porn? Then there is some stupid conversation about concealed vs. non-concealed nipples.

Speaking of nipples, is this some sort of new teenage fashion trend I don’t know about?

Exhibit A.

Exhibit B.

Exhibit C.

What the hell is with these underage girls wearing “tank tops” that are more like scarves than shirts? There’s more bra than shirt. It’s been ALL OVER this episode. Does this happen in real life?

Back to the Stanley and Cadie subplot of boredom, they finally decide to go on a date. No one cares. I don’t even think they care that much.

Back in the bedroom, everyone is asking Tea when she is going to make good on her bet with Tony and show her boobs to the whole school. Tea says that there is no way that Stanley and Cadie had sex. Tea appeases everyone by just showing her boobs to the room.

Everyone takes a shot.

We end the episode with Chris showing up sleeping in Tina’s trunk. How did he get in there?? And why not at least sleep in the backseat. Who the hell sleeps in a trunk? She offers to let him stay in her spare room for a few days. There’s all this supposed sexual tension which is so forced and terrible.

Chris then finds some birth control pills in the nightstand (which, who keeps those in their spare room??) and takes one before he goes to bed.

The end.

Next week: Cadie’s episode. So, lots of drugs.

What did you guys think??