Skins: Everyone Loses

When I first saw that this was a Michelle episode, I thought we had already seen a Michelle one. But I guess that was Cadie’s episode that mostly took place at Michelle’s house with the hot tub and Michelle’s whore mom. I guess we get to see more of her this episode. Lovely.

Anyways, this whole episode is a bunch of what-the-fuck, which I guess is better than super boring like last week. I’m still trying to wrap my head around how they took such a great show from the UK and mangled it into this monstrosity. It’s almost like they were TRYING to make something this bad.

Previously on Skins: Stanley is in love with Michelle, Cadie is in love with Stanley, Tony is in love with Tea, and Tony is a douche.

This episode starts out at…a rave? Really? I wasn’t aware those existed past the early 2000s. Also, do ANY of these children have parents who give a damn? It’s probably even a school night. Michelle and Tony just finished having sex in some hallway and/or alley. Gross. You know what this place reminds me of? Babylon from Queer as Folk but with slutty teenagers instead of hot, gay men.

Gasmii: This is our future. Think about it.

Somehow (even though it’s dark and there are like 200 people) Daisy spots Cadie dancing out on the floor.  Not only is Cadie out of the nuthouse, she apparently already found a new guy to grind all over. Good for her. It’s not like Stan gives a shit about anyone but Michelle for some reason.

Then we have another pointless scene to remind us how annoying Abbud is. He tries to get some girl’s number – blah blah. Moving on.

Now it’s time for our weekly Teenage Staring Contest. Michelle is dancing with Closet Lesbian, so Tea is staring at them. Behind her, Abbud is staring at Tea, and then bring up the rear in our staring trifecta, we have Tony who is staring at Tea. Apparently this is the new way to flirt: stare until they profess their love for you. Tony needs to work on his. He still looks like a serial killer.

I also see we are still wearing completely useless shirts.

Daisy tells Tea to go over and steal Closet Lesbian from Michelle, so she does. Geez, just let her dance. Technically, you’ve been sleeping with her boyfriend, so you kind of owe her. But I guess Tea is jealous, so she runs over and pulls Closet Lesbian away from Michelle and starts making out with her.

Over at the bar (who the hell lets these kids into a bar anyways?), Tony, Chris, Daisy, and Michelle are trading drugs. Of course they are. We’ve already established if they go more than two hours without drugs, their heads will explode.

Michelle is looking kind of pissy for some reason, so Daisy asks her if she wants to go home because she’s tired of people asking her “where the wet t-shirt contest is”. Daisy, I’ve said this before, but I’m going to say it again: Do not wear shirts with your underage tits falling out if you don’t want the attention they will bring.

See what I mean? Also: Exhibit B in the phenomena that is the non-shirt fad with these girls. I wasn’t aware that bras were such a big accessory these days.

Meanwhile, Abbud is out in the creepy alley drinking by himself. Chris comes out to piss on the wall (??) and tells Abbud that he probably doesn’t want to lean against the piss wall. Then Abbud starts bitching about being in love with Tea or whatever and Chris straight up just tells him that she’s gay, get over it.

Except I don’t know how she could resist a kid who looks like he’s twelve and thinks he’s gangsta with all those chains.

Apparently Abbud DID get a number from some girl inside (she must have been super drunk or high is all I can figure), so Chris tells him to call it. Um, guys? She’s inside a rave. I doubt she is going to pick up her cell phone, if she can even hear it. It doesn’t matter anyways because it’s one of those rejection hotline numbers. Hahaha. I bet Abbud gets those a lot.

The next morning, Michelle wakes up next to Tony. She heads downstairs to get breakfast and sees her mom making out with some random guy.  Skank Mom lights a cigarette and shoves the guy out the door. Michelle tries to ask her guy advice for some reason, but since Skank Mom doesn’t do too well in that area herself, Michelle doesn’t really get an concrete advice.

Glad to see the non-shirt trend has expanded to adults as well.

Michelle then asks Skank Mom if she called the doctor about her birth control prescription refill. Her mom says no and tells her to just go see the doctor today. Yeah, because you can totally just march into a gynecologist’s office and demand an appointment for right now.

But I am impressed that Michelle is sixteen or whatever and actually smart enough to get on damn birth control. I guess it’s from watching too much 16 and Pregnant, but I’ve decided that teenagers are the dumbest fucking people alive. You had an illegitimate child at 16 years old? Sure! Keep fucking without a condom, lightning never strikes twice in the same place. And they GIGGLE about it when Dr. Drew asks them if they’re using any birth control. Ugh.

Michelle goes upstairs to get dressed and go demand that the doctor see her today, while Tony is still asleep in her bed. She still looks vaguely pissed at him. Maybe she’s noticed all of the excessive staring he’s been involved in lately. She tells Tony she’s going to the doctor and he should lock to the door behind him when he leaves.

Michelle seriously wears this purple/blue leather jacket in EVERY scene this episode.

At the doctor’s office (I guess he squeezed her in), Michelle finishes up her pelvic exam and asks the doctor if this is really necessary to refill a birth control prescription. He says no and tells her that she’s there for her three month STI screening and exam….then the doctor realizes that he’s looking at Skank Mom’s charts instead of Michelle’s.

Dear lord…the woman has to get an STI screening every THREE MONTHS? That’s like what they require for brothel workers in Nevada, not normal people. I don’t even want to imagine what that woman’s vagina must look like if she’s sleeping with that many men she doesn’t know in that short time span. At least she’d get paid if she went to a brothel.

Also, every gynecologist I’ve ever been to have required a pelvic exam before prescribing birth control. Even to renew it, you have to get your annual exam. I thought that was standard? Michelle seems to find it odd for some reason.

This guy kind of looks like maybe he advertises female pelvic exams on Craigslist or something. Maybe that’s how Michelle got in at the last minute.

Back at school (told you it was a school night last night), Michelle is meeting with her principal. Who is GORGEOUS. Seriously, the woman has got to be the prettiest principal in the country. When I was in high school, my principal looked eerily similar to a squirrel.

I always assumed it was a prerequisite to be a short, weird looking old man if you wanted to be a principal.

Principal Miss America (PMA) is supposed to be meeting with Michelle and her mom, but I guess Skank Mom didn’t want to bother putting a real shirt on today. Apparently, Michelle is doing really badly in her classes, even though a couple of years ago she was doing really well in school. PMA tells Michelle that she used to play stupid because she was pretty too. Then she tells Michelle to straighten her shit up.

By the way, did anyone ever watch that reality show on TRUtv called Principal’s Office? That was some funny shit.

Can someone tell what high school in America would allow that skirt? I can almost see her vagina.

Michelle meets up with everyone else in the cafeteria for lunch when Tea walks in holding hands with Closet Lesbian. Uh oh. I guess she’s not in the closet anymore. Oh well, she’s still Closet Lesbian to me. Tony and Abbud just continue with their staring thing.

Michelle’s phone rings and it’s her doctor. He ran her STD tests anyways and she has chlamydia. But good news! It’s completely curable with a round of antibiotics.

So Michelle goes over and proceeds to beat the shit out of Tony. It’s AWESOME. I’ve been waiting for someone to beat up Tony for a while. She punches him in the face then kicks him in the balls. He totally deserves it all too. He barely even tries to fight back.

I love Michelle right now.

Chris and Abbud (who is wearing an old laid cardigan for some reason??) drag Michelle off Tony. I love how no teachers have intervened at all. We had this one fight in our high school cafeteria and a teacher tried to intervene, so the guy pushed her into a table and continued his fight. It was kind of awesome (well, more so when I was fifteen).

Michelle demands that Tony tell her who he cheated on her with while Tea sits worried in the background. Tony doesn’t answer her. Probably because he needs time to write down the whole list.

After the fight, Michelle retreats the only place of solace for a girl in high school – the bathroom. Daisy is trying to coax her out of the stall, but she kind of lets it slip that she knew Tony was screwing around.  She lists off about six people he cheated with, including Blonde Bitch from the choir. Daisy tells Michelle that they all thought that she knew. Well, it was kind of obvious. He was barely even trying to hide it.

How many times have I told this girl to just get waterproof mascara? Bitch is always crying.

Later at home, Michelle gets a phone call from Tony who tries to apologize. She hangs up on him. Yeah, yeah. We’ll see how long that lasts.

Tony is in the boy’s bathroom at school with Stanley. I guess Stanley missed the whole thing in the cafeteria because he was asleep. I’m glad to see he’s cleaned his act up.

But it does look like maybe he got a haircut. At least I can see both eyes now. I was worried he only had one eye or something.

Stanley tells Tony that he fucked up and he also wants to know who the other woman is. Tony tells him to mind his own business and then tells him that he knows he’s in love with Michelle but he’s never had the balls to do anything about it. This pisses Stanley off, so he tries to punch Tony.

At this point, Tony is probably used to getting punched so he’s learned some self-defense moves. He ends up ducking the punch and punches Stan in the nose. Stan runs out of the bathroom bleeding.

I love how no one ever gets punished for all the fighting they do.

At home, Michelle finds Skank Mom naked in the hot tub with a new guy. I guess Michelle is still supposed to be at school, so Skank Mom wasn’t expecting her. Michelle tells her that she just found out that Tony was cheating on her and gave her chlamydia.

According to Skank Mom (who I’m sure has extensive experience in this area), chlamydia is no big deal. You just take some Doxycycline and it goes away. Well, I guess on the STD scale, it is one of the better ones. At least she didn’t get warts or herpes or something that never goes away.

Michelle again tries to get relationship advice from her skanky mom. Abbud could give her better advice than this woman. Skank Mom tells her to basically just use guys for whatever you can get from them and never fall in love. To prove her point, she sends hot tub guy packing after getting him all worked up in the jacuzzi.

While watching hot tub guy pull away, Michelle notices Tea standing across the street.

She doesn’t look guilty AT ALL.

Michelle starts pouring vodka into an orange juice bottle while bitching to Tea on the porch. She assumes that Blonde Bitch gave Tony the STD, even though he was sleeping with like ten other people. Tea wants Michelle to give Tony another chance. Right. Bitch just wants to try and save her own ass. Tea looks super guilty while Michelle tells her that she wishes she were more like her. Heh. You two have much more in common than you think, Michelle.

That screwdriver is like 3/4 vodka to 1/4 OJ. Those are bad news unless you want to end up waking up on the bathroom floor with puke in your hair. Not that I know anything about that. Ahem.

Michelle tries to ask Tea questions about Closet Lesbian, but Tea sucks at this whole pretending/lying thing, so she bails. This is going to be BAD when Michelle finds out.

Later that night, Michelle is lying in bed reminiscing about the days before she had a diseased vagina. She tells us that Stanley was her best friend in grade school and she thought she was going to grow up and marry him until Tony moved to town. Then Tony and Stan spent all their time together, so Michelle decided to get Stanley back by stealing Tony from him. Wow. She was a bitch in elementary school.

Meanwhile, Stanley is busy in his bedroom tearing up pictures of Tony, Michelle, and himself. He decides to video chat with Cadie and she introduces him to her new friend Warren. I get the feeling there is more to this story than they’re letting on. But Stanley assumes it’s a new boyfriend.

Well, he is wandering around Cadie’s room shirtless.

The next day at school, Tony tries to say hi to Michelle like nothing happened. What a douche. And for some reason all of their friends are on his side and seem to think she’s overreacting. I think she’s being pretty rational considering all the shit he’s done to her.

Then she announces to the class that Tony has some serious STD problems. Hahahaha. Tony tries to apologize to her, but he calls her “Nips” again. Tony KNOWS she hates being called that, so he’s just being an ass. Michelle gets up to kick his ass and tells him to never call her that again.

She restrains herself from punching him in the other eye, and accidentally knocks Tea’s bag over while walking back to her seat. Guess what’s in Tea’s bag??

Ladies, make sure you carry your STD medications with you to high school. That’ll never turn out badly.

Michelle’s day just got a hell of a lot worse. She figures out that Tea and Tony were fucking behind her back, but Closet Lesbian is still in denial that Tea might like dudes. Michelle tells her not to worry because a girl can’t give clamydia to another girl. Is that true?? I tried looking it up on Wikipedia, but I couldn’t get past the gross cervix pictures.

Later that night, Michelle stops by Stanley’s house to throw herself at him. Dear lord this girl has self-esteem issues. They don’t get very far because Little Stan goes off before she can even take her bra off. Geez. That’s embarrassing.

Sadly, she’s pretty much this naked with her shirt ON.

Stan tells her that he’s been dreaming of this moment for years. Michelle informs him that she brought a condom so he wouldn’t get her chlamydia. How nice of her. I doubt she’s supposed to be having sex until it clears up. Plus, how desperate is Stanley that he’s have sex with a girl his best friend just gave an STD to?

Michelle then proceeds to whine about how everyone thinks she’s a joke and blah blah. Stanley tells her that the only girl he knew about Tony screwing was Blonde Bitch. Michelle wishes he had told her…blah blah…this is boring.

Teenagers are boring unless they’re punching each other.

Michelle walks home to find Tea waiting on her doorstep. She tells her to go away and asks, “why would I listen to a confused lesbian slut?”. Hahahahaha. Michelle is funnier when she’s pissed off.

In the middle of their argument, Skank Mom walks out the front door to meet her man of the hour and give the girls some of her great parental wisdom: “Screw guys, that’s what I say!”. Oh, and her date is the gynecologist. Ew. She’s up to, what, four or five guys now? Just in this episode.

Mother Tramp of the year.

Tea tries to apologize, but Michelle doesn’t what to hear any of it. I don’t really blame her. Tea thinks she can get away with it because she “doesn’t like guys”. Sorry, but your actions beg to differ. Michelle tells her that it’s even worse that she is a supposed lesbian because that means it was much more than just a physical attraction. She’s got a point there. Tea doesn’t even like the sex…so what is her draw to Tony again??

Michelle slams the door on Tea and tells her that this is the first time she’s ever seen her cry.

I don’t know, it kind of looks fake to me. I think she’s more upset that she got caught.

Michelle then proceeds to take all of her pictures of Tony and throw them in the hot tub. That’s going to be a bitch to clean out. You know, burning is much easier. Or just ripping them into tiny shreds. Then she calls Tony and tells him that she’s ready to talk.

I give her a week before she’s back with Tony.

Tony shows up at her house and Michelle pours them both a drink.

I don’t even want to recap this next part because Tony is such an ass. He comes in with his stupid smirk and tells Michelle that they’re “good together” and that she loves him.  No apology. He just informs her about how SHE feels then goes in for a kiss.

What a fucking dick.

At first, I’m really hoping Michelle punches him again, but she’s an idiot and HAS SEX WITH HIM. Dear lord. Why am I letting fictitious teenagers make me this mad anyways?

Have fun crawling back to this pasty douchebag for the rest of your life, Michelle.

Then Michelle turns around and kicks Tony out of her bed and tells him that she never wants to see him again. He thinks she’s joking and again informs her that she loves him. Let her actually tell you how she feels, jackass.

Michelle tells him that they were just “STD-Compatible” and tells him to get the hell out. Well, on one hand, it was kind of awesome to see the look on Tony’s face. On the other hand, I figure she’ll go crawling back back to him. Girls like that usually do.

Michelle then meets up with Closet Lesbian to run away to Boston on the Chinatown bus. We end with Michelle clutching Closet Lesbian’s hand and crying on her shoulder as they head to Boston.

What the fuck is going on? This is so random. I hope they brought drugs, otherwise they’ll never make it.

So, what did you guys think?? The ending kind of came out of nowhere. Is it just me, or does it seem like they’re trying to get Michelle to go the lesbian route as well? They had her dancing in the club with Closet Lesbian at the beginning and they ended with those two holding hands and running away together.

Next week: Daisy’s episode! It involves a trumpet, so it’s probably going to be really boring.