Skins: Stanley’s Attempt to Grow a Pair

Fun fact: This show has a whopping 2.9/10 stars on IMDb.

I sincerely appreciate you guys that are still with me, although judging from the comments, most of you don’t even watch the show. I don’t blame you one bit. So I guess it’s just me and a bunch of horny 13-year-olds hoping to see another teenage ass on TV. Sigh. Where did my life go wrong?

Last week, I incorrectly stated that this week was Abbud’s episode. It’s not, it’s actually Stanley’s, although my Tivo AND the IMDb lists it as Abbud’s. Maybe they realized that Abbud sucks and cancelled his episode? I can only hope…

Previously: Stanley promised Cadie a date, but then invited her to a party for her drugs. Oh, and Tony’s an ass. Shocking, I know.

We start with Stanley and his parents in some sort of parent-teacher conference discussing Stanley’s lack of attendance. Stanley forged a bunch of notes from his dad with some very creative excuses (he had to miss school because his cat had kittens and he needed to run the video camera??).  Oh, and I guess his dad is some sort of biking guy…he’s in some sort of Lance Armstrong getup that looks ridiculous and has way too much spandex.

Those desks are HUGE. When I was in school, we had those stupid desks that were attached to the chair. I think the school bought them around 1955.

Stanley has missed a total of 29 days this year so far. If he misses one more day, he’ll have to repeat his Junior year. At exactly what point does truancy come in? I’m thinking there should have been a parent-teacher conference WAY before this point. Plus, is he only missing this one class for some reason? Otherwise, why is this teacher handling it and not the principal’s office? Also, will someone explain to me why the hell I’m trying to make sense of this show?

After the conference, the school hallways are full of students who get the privilege of seeing Stan’s dad in spandex yelling at his son about how embarrassed he (Stanley) should be. I’m sorry, I’m not that easily embarrassed, but I don’t think I could walk anywhere in public with my dad if he were wearing that much spandex. Some things you can’t unsee.

What the fuck is that mask thing?

Stan rides home with him mom (who lectures him the whole way), while his dad follows alongside on his bicycle. I guess he wasn’t paying attention because the next thing you know he smashes headfirst into someone’s car door. His wife doesn’t even stop to see if he’s okay. Geez. But seriously? The guy couldn’t just get in the damn car to go to the school?

Apparently Canada has a very short list of actresses who can play moms on TV. Hi Fiona and Declan’s mom from Degrassi!

The next morning, Stanley’s mom goes in to wake him up for school and tell him not to miss the bus. Then his dad tries to wake him up. Stanley’s dad might be more irritating than my mom was when she’d wake me up for school. His method involves a trombone. My mother just ripped my covers off and sang really loudly until I got annoyed enough to go get in the shower.

I’ve totally done this. High school blows.

Guess what? Stanley still misses the bus. He runs inside the garage and realizes his bike has a flat tire. If I missed the bus, I just went back to bed. I lived 18 miles from my high school. That’s one hell of a bike ride. On the other side of the garage, there is an old Ford Pinto that’s covered up. I’m glad to see Stanley’s dad upgraded to a bike.

Maybe he should consider finishing high school online or something.

Maybe it’s the car from Cujo. I can’t think of any other reason you’d bother putting a dust cover on a Pinto. Unless you were just embarrassed to own one.

Stanley pulls into the parking lot of the school just as his teacher is doing roll call. Stanley has apparently never learned the art of carefully picking your first period teacher. I made sure to get in a first period class with a teacher that I knew forgot to call roll or rarely showed up on time themselves. Therefore, I’d roll into school about 30 minutes late every morning and never got counted absent. I was REALLY good at skipping school. Except for that one time I was driving around town during school and I passed my mom going to lunch. Oops.

Tony sees Stanley from the classroom window and tries to stall the teacher by asking him what he should do if someone offers him a “marijuana cigarette”. Tony’s an idiot. Also, why do teenagers on TV always have young teachers? When I was in high school, all of my teachers were like 70 years old. Most of them taught my parents. I only remember one single teacher from Kindergarten through 12th grade that was in her 20′s. The rest were at least as old as my parents.

Come on. This guy has barely hit puberty.

Back to Stanley. He makes his grand entrance just as the self-proclaimed “cool teacher” tells the class to refuse drugs by saying, “No thanks! I’m tripping balls on life!”. Yep, that’ll ensure no one ever invites you to a party with “marijuana cigarettes” (or any the party for that matter) again.

After school, everyone is checking out Stanley’s car. It even has the velvety seat covers. Chris (aw, I miss him…can we just replace Abbud with more Chris?) tells Stan that the car looks like him. Whatever the hell that means.

It kind of matches his hair?

Daisy is the only intelligent one that realizes that Stan is driving a stolen car with no driver’s license. I’d be getting my ass back home if I were him. But Stan is too busy fawning over Michelle again. Oh lord. I’m so over this stupid love triangle already.

Michelle tells Stanley that he could even have sex in the backseat. I’m pretty sure a lot of people from the 70′s could attest to that. For some reason, Michelle is being super flirty with Stan and tells him to climb in the backseat so they can see if someone could have sex back there. Tony is too busy staring at Tea to care.

Finally, Dumbass notices his best friend and girlfriend rolling around in the backseat and informs them of his chamber choir concert tonight. Remember in the first episode when he tried out for the choir at the all girls school? Tony tells Stanley to pick Michelle up at 7 in his new car. Don’t do it, Stan! Tony is a terrible friend! It will only end badly!

Teenagers are stupid, so Stanley takes one look at Michelle’s ass and says he’ll pick her up at 7. This is precisely why I don’t want children.

Back at his house, Stanley is trying to put the car back how he found it when his dad walks into the garage. Stan is still holding the keys and sweating like a pig. He tells his dad that he’s looking for a flashlight for “earthquake preparedness”while he hides the keys behind his back.

Maybe he should try looking for a pair of scissors. Or a scrunchie. I don’t care at this point, just someone please get that hair out of his eyes.

Stanley’s dad starts blabbing on and on about how he bought the Pinto when he was a freshman in college and blah blah blah. Boring adult nostalgic crap that parents like to talk about. I can’t figure out if the guy who plays Stanley is a terrible actor, or if he’s just a genius at playing a kid who is a bad liar. There’a fine line.

Upstairs in his bedroom (that has graffiti all over the door?), Stan turns up some kind of shitty rap music and sneaks out. Notice how Tony uses loud obnoxious music to get his dad INTO his room, and Stanley uses it to keep his dad OUT of his room. I guess his dad thinks the music means Stanley is doing his homework.

Who the hell lets their kid sharpie graffiti all over their door like that??

While Stanley’s dad is bitching in the kitchen, Stanley is pushing the Pinto out of the garage.  How convenient that the same shitty rap song that was playing in Stanley’s room is also playing in the car.

Would anyone like to take  a guess as to what decade we are in here? Because frankly, I’m confused at this point.

Stan shows up at Michelle’s house and she tries to be funny (but isn’t) by shouting to her mom that she’s leaving to hang out with dangerous men, do a gang bang, and start a pregnancy pact. KC’s mom- I mean Michelle’s mom says to have fun. Her mother is an idiot, but we already established that last week. Moving on.

Michelle is wearing some sort of metallic strapless minidress and she asks Stan if it’s too slutty to wear to a private school. I think it’s too slutty to wear anywhere if you’re seventeen, but that’s just me. Stan tells her that it’s “just slutty enough”. Ughhhh. Who is writing this shit?

And why is she wearing more necklaces than Mr. T?

So, now everyone is at the boring choir concert. For some reason, Tony is the main act. It’s not even his school and the rest of the choir is stuck being his back up singers. Except for that blonde rich bitch who had the party in the first episode. She’s doing a duet with Tony.

This kid can’t even sing without that damn smirk on his face.

In the audience, Stanley is munching on popcorn and Michelle is starting to get pissed that some girl is singing about love to her boyfriend. Geez. Chill out. They’re just SINGING. Plus, that blonde chick has terrible hair and isn’t really that cute. But I would kill for her dress.

See? But what the fuck did she do to her hair?

After their touching (boring) duet, Tony and Blonde Bitch kiss. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t intended to be part of the program.

Now Michelle can get pissed. I’m pretty sure this was improvised.

And we’re not talking a quick peck here. They actually full-on make out for quite a while on stage. Afterwards, Michelle runs backstage to confront Tony, with Stanley right on her heels. There are girls in various stages of undress, so I guess they’re in the dressing room. Except why on earth does Tony use the same dressing room as all the girls? They didn’t even want him wandering the halls of their SCHOOL, so I highly doubt they want him in their dressing room.

Anyways, Michelle storms in calling either Tony or Blonde Bitch a slut (I’m not sure who she was directing it towards). Blonde Bitch apparently thinks she is a Valley Girl circa 1985 judging by the way she’s talking. It’s highly irritating. She calls Michelle “Seashell” and tells her that she makes out with her dog, so it’s not really a big deal. Okay, so maybe she’s just really stupid.

Exactly.

Blonde Bitch tells Michelle that it was “what the audience wanted”. Michelle then asks what if the audience wanted her to blow him. Well Michelle, then I would think that they probably wandered into the wrong performance venue. Blonde Bitch tells her that she would blow Tony on stage if it was “super artistic”.  Yeah…let’s just ask Chloe Sevigny how that worked out for her.

Michelle then up and PUNCHES Blonde Bitch in the face! I’m so proud of her. A girl who can punch instead of just flailing around pulling hair and trying to slap. Of course then it turns into an all out girlfight complete with hair pulling. Tony and Stanley just stand there like idiots.

Just grab one of those chains around he neck and pull.

FINALLY, Stanley grabs Michelle and Tony grabs Blonde Bitch, who screams at Michelle to “blow a horse” and calls her a “bowlegged bitch”. Well…that was original at least. Can’t tell you the last time I heard those insults floating around. Stanley takes Blonde Bitch’s insults about Michelle very personally though. He informs her that Michelle would never blow a horse. I would hope not.

Tony tells Stan to take Michelle home and tells him that he’s giving him a gift. What the hell? She’s your girlfriend, not a damn object you can give away. Someone PLEASE tell me what the appeal is about with this guy. He’s a douche.

Stan drives Michelle home. When he asks if she’s okay, she punches him in the arm. Michelle is convinced that Stanley knew about Tony and Blonde Bitch. Stanley swears he didn’t know anything about it and was just doing what Tony asked – aka picking her up and taking her there. Good lord, Stanley. Grow a pair and stop letting Tony dictate your entire life. And find a less douchy friend.

Waterproof mascara is your friend.

Michelle then tells Stan that she wouldn’t want to disappoint anyone and she reclines his seat and pounces on him. She kisses him for like five whole seconds before she tells Stan to “tell him you kissed me” and jumps out of the car. Before she goes inside, she tells Stanley to fuck off and calls him pathetic. Geez. Damn moody teenage girls.

Stan better just worry about getting his ass home. Unfortunately, his car has some problems starting, so he decides to be a creeper and watch Michelle get undressed through her bedroom window. She sees him and tells him to give up. He tries to blame the car, but then it starts.  He makes it home undetected and slips into bed.

He gets on his computer to chat with Cadie when Tony calls asking him to pick him up at Blonde Bitch’s house. Stanley? Tell him to fuck off. He doesn’t of course and immediately obeys his master Tony.

Stanley pulls up to Blonde Bitch’s parent’s mansion as Blonde Bitch is clutching a sheet around herself watching Tony sneak out the window. Then he sets off the intruder alarm and hauls ass to Stan’s car for a quick getaway.

Ugh. Really? You’re the third person (that we know of) to screw Tony in less than five episodes so you’re not really that special.

On the drive back home, Stanley tries to grow some balls and tells Tony that he’s not going to do what he says anymore. Sure, Stanley. We believe you. People like you always SAY that, then do the same shit. Tony acts like he’s doing Stan a favor by treating him like shit because according to him, Stan would never leave bed if it wasn’t for him. Way to rationalize being an ass, Tony. I’m sure you think you have a legitimate excuse to screw anything that moves too.

Tony tells Stan to turn into an Air Force base to take a shortcut. Stan obeys. Way to go, Stan. It took you like thirteen whole seconds to do something Tony told you after you said you were going to stop listening to him.

Stan hits a speed bump without slowing down and immediately hears sirens. Seriously? They can arrest you for not slowing down enough for a speed bump? The Air Force police even have their bullhorns yelling at them to stop. Kind of hard core for someone who hit a speed bump too fast.

Now the car is smoking. Um, that’s a fucking Pinto. RUN.

Stanley is freaking out because he doesn’t have a driver’s license. Genius Tony tells him to just keep going because once they get off the base, the cops can’t follow them. God, why is anyone friends with this kid? Stan breaks his promise to himself yet again and decides to do what Tony says. Except his car chokes out on him and they involuntarily end up pulling over.

Just punch him, Stanley. Just once.

The cop gives Stanley a ticket while Tony is trying to come up with some more bullshit for Stanley to tell his parents. Just shut up, Tony. According to Stan, it’s all Tony’s fault. Well, not really. Tony’s an idiot, but you’re an even bigger one for doing what he says.

Then Stanley’s night gets a little bit shittier because the Pinto just caught on fire.

Is anyone really surprised?

Now Stanley is calling his parents from outside of his house. The police escorted him and his burned out car home. Either he was out REALLY late picking up Tony or the Air Force police found a really slow tow truck because it’s already daylight outside.

This is why you should never, ever listen to Tony. Ever.

The military policeman tells Stan’s dad that if he signs this paper that the grand theft auto charges will go away. He says most people prefer to deal with the consequences themselves so permanent records aren’t involved. Stanley’s dad refuses to sign the papers, so Stan will have to go to court. My mom totally would have done the same thing. Luckily, I never stole a car. I did steal a candy bar once when I was six and she made me take it back to the store and apologize to the manager and pay for it. I was so embarrassed that I never stole again. So I guess it worked.

I’m assuming Stan has been grounded for the rest of his life, so Daisy and Tea decide to make a house call. His mom tells them that he’s been asleep for a day and a half. Ha! If I was being punished, my mom would make me get up at like 8 am and do chores. No teenager is punished by sleeping.

I liked Daisy a lot more before I saw those stupid sunglasses.

The girls walk into Stan’s room and immediately start gagging. They pull his bedspread down to reveal what looks like puke or some kind of food all over his pillow. That’s so disgusting. They end up finding Stan passed out on the floor halfway underneath his bed. He’s surrounded by vodka, beer, puke, and various snack foods. Trust me, it’s as disgusting as it sounds.

Also, Daisy? That shirt ABSOLUTELY does not match those shorts.

The girls invite him to a party that Chris is throwing down by some lake or pond or some other random body of water. Stanley somehow gets out of the house and goes but all he does is sit around looking mopey and stare at Michelle.

Um, wasn’t it snowing a few episodes ago?

Michelle is being mopey too and staring out at the water. I guess she forgot that she’s pissed at Stanley, because she smiles and kisses him on the cheek. Stan seems a little confused as well and Michelle tells him that she’s sorry for forgetting that he and Tony are different. They start flirting and then Michelle shoves Stanley into the water. She goes to pull him out and he pulls her in.

Ironically, this is pretty much how Mr. Stardust proposed. It’s a long story.

Stan and Michelle get out of the water shivering and complain about how cold they are. Then why is everyone wearing bikinis and shorts? I mean, I understand the water is probably colder, but if it’s THAT cold, it probably isn’t 90 degrees outside either. On the other hand, I grew up a few hours from Baltimore and as soon as it hits 50 degrees people start wearing shorts and flip flops for some reason. I wear sweaters unless it’s over 70 degrees out.

Stan makes an idiot out of himself when Michelle tells him that she loves the song that is playing and Stan tells her that he “loves her too”. Smooth. He tries to cover it up, but Michelle just laughs at him then hugs him for a really long time. I think maybe she’s drunk.

On the other side of the beach (or whatever you call the sand next to a lake/random body of water), Tea is trying to chat up her lesbian friend from  a few episodes back. Not the bitchy Angry Lesbian, but the one who had a boyfriend. Tony tries to get Tea to come talk to him, but she tells him she’s busy and continues trying to flirt with Closet Lesbian.

She’s one of those people whose idea of flirting is to make fun of everything that person is doing.

Meanwhile, Michelle and Stanley are still hugging it out. Tony approaches and starts intervenes. He hugs/makes out with Michelle until Stan walks away defeated. What the fuck is with all the hugging? And why is Michelle forgiving this douchebag? All he has to do is hug her and she falls right back into his arms? Have I mentioned that I hate teenagers?

Stanley’s solution to this problem is to pour about half a bottle of vodka into a jug of juice and chug it.

Eh, vodka usually does help. At least for a while.

Later on, Stanley is visiting Cadie, who is in a mental hospital. When did that happen? Did I miss something? He pretty much visits Cadie just to bitch at her about Michelle and Tony, which I’m sure she really wants to hear about. Stanley tells her that he’s sorry if she’s in there because of him and Cadie tells him that she doesn’t think of him like that. Yeah, right.

Cadie’s beauty queen mom shows up and Cadie introduces her to Stan. Stan thinks she’s Cadie’s roommate instead of her mom, so naturally Beauty Queen Mom likes him. Cadie and her mom are getting ready to go to Movie Night, so Beauty Queen Mom offers to walk Stanley out.

His shirt is gross. I hate squids. Those tentacles creep me out.

On their way out, Stan asks Cadie’s mom how Cadie ended up here. Her mom goes all the way back to the beginning and tells Stan how it all started when she received a phone call when Cadie was in third grade telling her that there were concerns about her behavior. Stan tells her that he thinks his parents probably got a phone call like that when he was a kid and his dad just yelled and told him to be less weird. Ha.

I’m sorry, but that girl on the poster to the right is cracking me up.

It’s time for Stanley’s court date! And he got all spiffed up too! For some reason, he’s sitting next to some chatty convict guy. Shouldn’t he be next to his lawyer or something? The creepy guy tells him that he’ll probably do really well in prison and could probably sell locks of his hair to guys who miss their girlfriends. Hahaha.

Aw, the kid’s not half bad when he gets the damn hair out of his eyes.

Stanley gets called in front of the judge, who notices that the car Stanley stole belonged to his dad. He tells Stanley to approach the bench and asks him “what does every bastard has in common?”. The answer? His father is a bastard also. He tells Stanley to break the cycle and get out of there because he has real crimes to deal with. Stanley’s free and his dad looks bewildered.

Oh, and douchbag Tony is waiting outside the courtroom. He asks Stan how it went and Stanley ignores him. I’m proud of him, but I’m not getting my hopes up. I’m sure he’ll be back to being Tony’s bitch by next episode.

Back at home, Stanley is trying to find his mom. His dad says that she is staying with her sister for a while. He gives Stanley some big, boring speech about relationships and Stanley tells him to shut up, call her, and fix it. Wow, finally growing some balls Stan? It’s too bad that the guy who plays Stan is a terrible actor. He keeps screaming at his dad to “fix it!” as he runs up the stairs. It’s really painfully bad.

This is never a good sign.

Stanley finally got tired of living in the glorified dumpster that he calls a room, and cleans everything up. Then he goes out to the garage to find his dad sitting in the burned out shell of the Pinto and drinking beer.

Stanley needs a new suit. Those pants must be from when he was 12.

Stanley tells his dad that he though that he’d left. His dad remembers that that plot line was already taken by Chris’s mom, so he tells Stanley no, he’s not leaving. Stanley tells him that he needs a note for being late to school and his dad asks what it should say. They decide on the truth: Stanley was in court for getting arrested for stealing a car, which blew up while he was pulled over by the police. Then his dad decides that he should have bought the Corvette.

Next week: The school trip episode! In the UK version, they go to Russia, but we don’t have as many options here, so they just get to go to Canada.

What did you guys think? I think these episodes are getting more and more boring. Either that, or the characters are so bland that I don’t even care anymore. I really want to know why a couple episodes ago, it was snowing and now they’re in shorts and tank tops and swimming. It’s like the people writing the show don’t even give a fuck anymore.