Skins: Steam Engines and Pedophiles

This week we get the (dis)pleasure of watching Chris and his teacher fuck in a treehouse. And that’s in the first five minutes. Sigh. This is going to be a long episode.

Previously, Chris and Tina are fucking, Dumbass Teacher (DT) has a crush on Tina, and everyone hates Tony for giving everyone chlamydia.

Like I mentioned before, we open on Chris and Tina having sex in a treehouse. She starts crying afterwards and I’m going to assume it’s because she’s a GROWN WOMAN FUCKING A TEENAGER IN A TREEHOUSE. It’s also her birthday. Oh and she’s 23. What the holy fuck? She’s two years younger than me!! That makes her and Chris roughly the same age difference as me and Mr. Stardust.

Although I was the ripe old age of 21 (and perfectly legal) when Mr. Stardust found me.

Suddenly they hear Abbud announcing from the back porch that they can come in now because his parents are gone and they made blueberry pancakes. So, I guess Chris is living in Abbud’s treehouse? Well, I guess it’s better than the car trunk he was sleeping in.

Tina tries to pretend that she was “tutoring” Chris in the treehouse, but Abbud already knows what’s going on. He probably watches them with binoculars from his bedroom window.

Apparently he watches them from the roof.

Tina grabs Abbud and threatens his life if he ever tells anyone. Then she promises him an ‘A’ if he shuts his mouth.

Tina heads back to her apartment to get dressed/wash the treehouse and teenage boy scent off before she goes to school. On her way out, she bumps into her new neighbor from across the hall. She suddenly gets really flustered and awkward like she’s never spoken to a grown man before. The poor guys seems a little freaked out by her.

Doesn’t Tina kind of look like Cameron Diaz here?

At school, Tina is a really shitty teacher. Everyone is just playing around on computers. What subject does she even teach? Tea has some random girl flash her boobs on the webcam and no one even notices. Seriously? Name one high school in the country that not one single boy would notice if a girl lifts her shirt up in the middle of class. Right. There aren’t any.

Oh, and Skins? We get that Tea’s a lesbian. Please give her another personality trait. She’s getting boring.

Meanwhile Tina is checking her…whatever the hell they want to call their fake version of Myspace/Facebook. Is there a reason TV shows don’t just use the real Facebook? Anyways, the only birthday message she’s gotten is from her mom. Ha. That’s pretty bad.

My mom isn’t allowed to have Facebook. This is why.

Then Tina gets a friend request from Cute Neighbor. Some people will do anything to increase their friend count I guess. He didn’t seem that interested in her. He actually looked kind of scared of her.

After class, Tina is in the teacher’s lounge grading papers and she just automatically gives all of Chris’s friends an ‘A’. Then she comes across Chris’s paper which is entitled “How I’m Going to Bone You Tonight”.

No, seriously.

She starts reading it and it sounds like something you’d read in one of those sex chat rooms full of horny 15 year olds and creepy old men. I ended up in one by accident once (I swear!). It’s a terrifying experience. You immediately get bombarded with creepers typing you shit like this until you frantically close all 30 chat windows that have popped up and run. This is probably why chatrooms died sometimes in the late 90′s.

All that effort he probably could have actually written the paper he was supposed to.

Tina is an idiot and actually sits down and reads in it in the freaking teacher’s lounge. DT wanders over and grabs the paper, but fortunately for him, he’s more interested in showing Tina his stupid toy. He made some sort of model steam engine or something like that. Tina doesn’t care and neither do I.

DT thinks his toy will impress Tina enough for her to invite him to dinner. Actually, he just invites himself over to her place. She tells him that he doesn’t know where her house is, so he pulls out a folder with pictures of all the houses where a “T. Nolan” lives in the area. He’s going to just go to all of them until he finds her.

Note to men: When a female is making this face every time you come near her, it means she’s not interested.

Tina tells him that he’s creepy but DT thinks that woman love being stalked and hunted. Oh dear Lord. He reminds me of this professor at my college who used to always tell everyone how he met his wife. He saw her one day at her job and thought she was pretty, so he kept showing up at her work and asking her out. She repeatedly said no, so he started harassing all of her co-workers into giving him her number or address. Finally, he got her address and showed up at her house until she agreed to go on a date with him. He was so proud of his story, but it just made him seem like a total creep. Of course we also thought she was a fucking idiot for actually marrying the guy after all that.

Fire drill! We loved those at school because you get to miss class. I guess they’ve been having a lot of fire drills lately because Stanley doesn’t want to take a test. First of all, it’s totally illegal to pull a fire alarm for no reason. Second, at my school (which was TINY and had no security whatsoever) if the alarm was pulled, they made damn sure they found out who did it and kicked them out of school. I’m fairly sure this school at least has video surveillance cameras.

Outside, Daisy is using the fire drill as a smoke break. Right, because you could totally just whip out your cigarettes out right outside the school with EVERY TEACHER in the building around you. This show is so stupid.

Chris approaches Tina with a new idea he has for them. He proposes that they just leave and head to Nebraska and start  a new life working on a hot dog truck. Well, considering he’s living in a treehouse right now, I guess that life sounds pretty good to Chris.

One-upping Daisy, Stan decides to smoke a JOINT in the school parking lot. These kids are geniuses I tell you.

At lunchtime, Tina is talking to Michelle about her boy problems. Tina tells her to just move on from Tony and blah blah. I’m so over this Tony shit. Tina’s also eating a Fruit by the Foot. I think it’s supposed to make her look immature, but I LOVE those things.

Michelle asks Tina if she has any “grown up friends”. Tina tells her that she’s lost her adultness by having to hang out with kids all day. Eh, I knew a lot of teachers that were pretty cranky and adult-like when I was in school. In fact, most of them were and I’m pretty sure at least a couple hated kids altogether.

Now I’m going to go rummage through my cabinets for one of those. Yum.

DT decides to announce to the cafeteria that someone stole his model steam engine toy and he’s going to search everyone’s lockers and do strip searches. This is our really stupid and boring subplot of the episode.

Later in class, Tina is chatting with Daisy. Does anyone else think that it’s really odd that all of a sudden Tina is BFFs with all these kids? Couldn’t this damn show have at least tried to make them acknowledge each other in earlier episodes so it’s not so random?

Anyways, Daisy tells Tina that she and Abbud are “screwing each other’s brains out” every day after school. NO TEENAGER TALKS LIKE THIS. Especially not to a teacher. I don’t care how “cool” that teacher is.

Oh, and she’s also photoshopping Abbud’s head onto a football player for some reason.

Daisy then has to tell Tina that she is no longer the yearbook president. She was replaced by a 15-year-old because Tina wasn’t responsible enough. Hahaha. I don’t think they can do that. I’m pretty sure they need an adult supervisor.

Hot Principal corners Tina in the hallway and it seems like she knows what’s going on with Tina and Chris, but really she just wants Tina to help bring up the student’s test scores. Wow MTV, you really got me that time with the fake-out.

In class, no one listens to Tina. She doesn’t get any respect from any of the students anymore. They all refer to her by her first name and won’t shut up. Tina gets really pissed and tells everyone that she is their teacher and NOT their friend and they will refer to her as Miss Nolan from now on.

This coming from the lady who once cried about her boyfriend in front of the entire class. Remember that in one of the first episodes?

They were supposed to have a test today, but I guess Tina was too busy with Chris and didn’t make one up. So she goes out and pulls the fire alarm. Oh geez. You’re the damn teacher! Just reschedule the test!

Anyways, outside some student cracks a terrible pick up line to Tina. She grabs him by the ear and he says that he heard that she has sex with students and he figured he had a shot.

What a dumbass.

TIna looks shocked for some reason. I don’t know why, it’s not like it’s not true. Did she really think no one would find out? She confronts Abbud and he tells her that he told everyone BEFORE he promised her he wouldn’t, so he didn’t break his promise. Dumbass.

Back in Tina’s classroom, Chris is doing some sort of experiment involving turning a two liter pop bottle into an underwater bong.  Tina breaks up with Chris again because she doesn’t want to lose her job. Again, Chris refuses to accept the breakup.

In the hallway, DT is going through everyone’s lockers looking for his stupid steam engine. He asks Tina if they’re still on for their “date”. Tina sarcastically says yes, please come over. The sarcasm is lost on DT so he looks excited at the prospect of a date with a real live girl.

On her way home, Tina notices Cute Neighbor walking home in the rain and offers him a ride. His car broke down, so he accepts. She tells him he can repay her by taking her out for her birthday. He tells her to pick the restaurant and they end up eating burgers in the car.

Okay, so Tina is in her 20s, still eats Fruit by the Foot, and goes on dates to fast food restaurants? She actually sounds a lot like me. Don’t judge me. I heart In-N-Out and I’m afraid I’ll never get to eat it again if I ever move out of SoCal. It gives me a good excuse to eat there all the time. Yum. Now I’m hungry.

Tina and Neighbor start making out and within about ten seconds Tina starts unzipping his pants and opens her condom stash. Neighbor pushes her away and tells her that this is all “too high school” for him. Tina thinks he’s gay but he tells her that he doesn’t want to have sex in a strip mall parking lot at 30 years old.

Dear lord.

Neighbor bails on the date and Tina heads home alone. Well, she thinks she’s alone. Chris decided to throw her a surprise party at her apartment. Tina doesn’t look too thrilled. Probably because it’s just a bunch of skanky high schoolers using her place to use drugs, drink  and have sex. You know, like they do every night.

The rave must be closed tonight.

Tony shows up for some reason, even though everyone hates him. Cadie stops him from approaching Michelle because she gave Michelle ecstasy and doesn’t want her sleeping with him. Abbud and Daisy come back Cadie up and tell Tony to just leave. Michelle is a fucking MESS right now.

Chris figures out that Tina doesn’t really like her party because they’re all just trashing her place. So he decides to help out and yell at everyone doing destructive things and tries to clean up after them. After someone starts pissing on the carpet, Chris ends the party and kicks everyone out.

I still think Chris is adorable. He’s the only likable character in this otherwise crappy show.

After everyone leaves, Chris tells Tina he wants to give her a birthday present. They walk into Tina’s room and find this:

Why, Daisy, why?

After they kick Daisy and Abbud out, Chris gives Tina her present: DT’s model steam engine. I guess he was the one who stole it. Chris is so proud of himself, but Tina tells him that grown ups get flowers. He tells her that he got her a backup present and pulls down his pants. Wow, how original there. I can totally see how he bagged an older woman now.

Apparently it works. They’re in the middle of having sex when DT decides to show up for his “date”. Oh geez. This guy is such an idiot. The door is unlocked, so he just wanders in. He hears someone having really loud sex and instead of running away like a normal person, he walks back to the bedroom and turns on the lights.

Dumbass.

Chris ducks under the covers but DT has already seen him. However, DT is more concerned about finding his damn model steam engine. It  ends up exploding when DT entered the room. and he starts crying and picking up the pieces off the floor.

The next day, Tina drives Chris to school and breaks up with him AGAIN. Chris wants her to run away to Nebraska with him, but she kicks him out of the car and calls their relationship a mistake. He asks her if she loves him and she says no. He calls her a liar and slams the car door.

Then Tina goes to class like it’s a normal day and she didn’t just end a relationship with one of her students. However, in the middle of one of her classes, two cops come in and arrest her for statutory rape. DT is with the cops, so I assume he’s the one who ratted her out.

Is she really that surprised? Only like 200 people knew about it.

I refuse to recap the next scene because it’s just so gross I don’t even want to talk about it. I’ll just say that it involves Tina’s gross cellmate and a toilet. Use your imagination.

Tina is being questioned by some fat cop with an attitude problem. He says he has a witness to prove that she had a sexual relationship with Chris. Tina tells him that DT is hardly a reliable witness considering he stalked her and broke into her apartment.

The whole aforementioned toilet situation is the reason Tina doesn’t have a shirt. Again, use your imagination.

Bad Cop tells Tina that he’ll find another witness, but in the meantime Tina needs to stay away from the school. She apparently was fired, so this won’t be an issue.

Then we see that Bad Cop is questioning Chris. He wants Chris to show him on a baby doll where Tina touched him. Um…that might be kind of hard because it’s a girl doll. Chris tells Bad Cop that he had a crush on Tina, but she turned him down and nothing ever progressed.

Well, technically the doll doesn’t have a penis so he’s not really lying, right?

Then we see a montage of Bad Cop interviewing Stan and Abbud, who both deny any knowledge of an affair. Then he interviews DT who is still more concerned over his stupid steam engine to give any valuable information. I’m pretty sure they just assume he’s nuts and can’t really use his testimony.

Back at her apartment, Tina goes across the hall to tell Cute Neighbor that she is moving back in with her parents…and to mention that she’s required by law to tell him that she’s a suspected sex offender. He tells her that she needs to tell her new neighbors after she moves, not him. I’m sure he’s just glad the nutjob is leaving his apartment building.

Later on, Tina is packing up her apartment when someone delivers flowers to her door. They’re from Chris and he attached a card that says, “Call me if you were lying”. He’s referencing when she told him that she didn’t love him when they broke up.

Tina pulls out her phone and it looks like she’s going to call him, but she deletes his number instead.

Next week: SEASON FINALE! It’s Eura’s episode (I know, who?). She’s Tony’s mute sister, so I’m sure it’ll be an exciting episode.

What did you guys think about the episode? Talk to me!