Skins: Tea Is a Lesbian. Sort Of.

I’m beginning to think this show might not last much longer. Apparently a bunch of advertisers dropped out due to the controversy over the subject matter. I don’t get it. I honestly don’t think this show is THAT bad. It’s practically the Disney Channel compared to the UK version. I re-watched the UK pilot yesterday and it’s chock full of full of nudity, cursing, and drug use. The real kind. Not the bleeped out and covered up US kind. Help me out here, Gasmii. Do you guys think it’s as bad as all the controversy seems to make it out to be? Or do people just need something to bitch about?

Last week: Tony tried (unsuccessfully) to help Stanley lose his virginity, Tea is a lesbian cheerleader, and Stanley owes a drug dealer $900.

This week we focus on Tea. Which means lots of lesbianism. Tea is in class having a Twilight-style staring contest with this chick. It’s very creepy and not sexy at all. After class, Tea drops a note to the girl that says “Northern Soul”. Whatever that means.

I can’t tell whether she’s flirting with Tea or wants to beat her up after school.

There’s a quick flash to the hallway after school where everyone is making fun of Stanley and asking him if they can buy some weed. Another quick flash of everyone riding the (public) bus home. Do they not have school buses in Baltimore?

Tea comes home to her mom screaming at her. She ignores her and goes upstairs and takes some sort of blue pill before showering and changing into a sparkly see-through top with a red bra, skinny jeans, and Converse high tops. I probably wouldn’t head out to a bar in an outfit that screams “I’M STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!”.

Looks like a Smartie to me.

She hops down the stairs in a huge coat, kisses her dad goodbye, and heads out the door to catch the bus. These kids sure do use public transit a lot. Tea ends up downtown somewhere and uses a fake ID to get into a lesbian bar. The bouncer rolls her eyes at the fake ID and lets her in anyways. I’m guessing this is “Northern Soul” because the girl from Tea’s class is there. They end up making out in the alley outside.

Do people in gay bars really go make out in the alley all the time? They did that a lot on Queer as Folk too.

Pretty soon, they’re sneaking back into Tea’s house to have sex in her bedroom. I bet it’s much easier to sneak a girl into your room than a guy when you’re in high school.

The next morning, Tea explains to her dad that her friend (her name is apparently Betty) came over to help her study and they fell asleep. See? Much easier to explain than a boy. Anyways, it turns out that Tea’s dad knows Betty’s dad, so he brings her into the kitchen and introduces her to all 900 of Tea’s live-in family. There’s a grandma, some pregnant blonde girl, a couple of little kids hiding under the table, Tea’s parents, and another teenage kid who I’m assuming is Tea’s brother. The doorbell rings and Tea’s brother announces that “the lesbian” is here. He means Daisy, who is actually the only teenage girl present who is not a lesbian.

I’m getting claustrophobic just thinking about living there. Geez.

Tea, Betty, and Daisy are waiting for the bus (again). Half of this damn show takes place on a bus. Betty tells Tea not to tell anyone about last night. Daisy tells her she might want to hide her hickeys. Betty doesn’t want Bobby to notice them. Hmmm. I’m guessing that’s the boyfriend that she doesn’t want to know about her lesbian tendencies. Betty runs off for some reason. Aren’t they all going to the same school?

Daisy asks Tea if she had a good night. Tea says it was alright and there was “a lot of licking”. Daisy says that is TMI. I have to agree with Daisy there.

Before they leave, Tea’s dad runs out of the house in his underwear and reminds Tea that he wants her to go on some blind date with the son of a friend or colleague of his. She agrees.

Tea and Daisy meet up with Abbud on the bus. Tea explains to them that she agreed to go on the blind date to help out her dad. I guess the guy’s dad is some big shot that her dad wants to get in good with.

Is it just me, or does Abbud look twelve? Also, I hate having to look up his name every week to make sure I spell it right.

At school, Tony approaches Cadie to ask her if she will tell everyone that her and Stanley are having sex. He tells her it’s because Stanley is embarrassed about being a virgin, but really he just wants to win his bet with Tea. If he wins, she has to show her boobs during the halftime show on Friday. Cadie agrees to pretend her and Stanley are doing it.

I can’t imagine why this kid is still a virgin. Does he ALWAYS have to have food all over his face? Ugh.

Tony goes over to join Stanley, Tea, and Chris and Tea tries to wipe off Stanley’s gross face. I’m sorry, but that really grosses me out…even when it’s babies. Probably another reason why I have no desire to have children.

Abbud and Daisy join everyone as Tony reminds Tea that she has to “pull a Janet Jackson” during the game on Friday. No one can believe that Stanley actually got laid, but I guess they believe that if anyone is crazy enough to have sex with him, it’s Cadie and her stupidly spelled name. Then Michelle comes over and starts making out with Tony. Gross. Everyone just stares at them while they shove their tongues down each others throats.

Except for Tea. She is staring longingly across the cafeteria at Edwar– I mean Betty. Betty is staring back while sitting with her boyfriend.

I was wondering why there are all in a cafeteria, but no one has a lunch tray. Apparently they are in some sort of anti-drug seminar. Those were always a great excuse to sneak out to my car and drive to McDonald’s or something. High school is much more tolerable once you get a double cheeseburger and a hot fudge sundae in you.

Some weirdo guy is going to tell them about bad things to avoid. His list of “bad things” is as follows: “drugs, alcohol, saying bad stuff, wrongful sex acts, tattoos, piercings, and below the waist area”.  Hahahaha. What is a “wrongful sex act”?

Something tells me he’s never done anything “below the waist area”.

So, guess who one of the anti-drug speakers is? Stanley’s drug dealer! Yeah, the one he owes $900. Stanley recognizes him and tries to hide behind a notebook. The crazy drug dealer talks about how violent he gets when people wrong him. He keeps saying something about the “redness” or the “ritness”? I don’t know what the fuck he’s talking about. It sounds like he’s saying “ritness”, but I don’t think that’s a word. So I’m going with “redness”.

Stanley starts freaking out about the “redness/ritness” in the bathroom afterwards. Tony smacks him in the face to calm him down. Stanley realizes he is totally fucked unless he can come up with $900.

Tony, Tea, and Michelle are walking down the hallway talking about how stupid drug dealers are and that he can’t find Stanley just because he knows what school he goes to. Uhhh. The dumbass drug dealer happens to be walking behind them and listening to their whole conversation. So now he knows who Stanley’s friends are.

Dear Lord, Tony is short.

In the hallway, Tea finishes taking a swig out of an airline sized bottle of vodka when Betty shows up. Tea tells her that she isn’t looking for anything more than sex, especially since Betty has a boyfriend. She also tells Betty that no one can match up to her, so Betty calls her an arrogant bitch.

Back at Tea’s house, they’re having the loudest, most chaotic dinner ever. I could NOT live there. I think Tea wants to tell them that she’s a lesbian, but she can’t get a word in edgewise. As soon as she gets everyone’s attention, the pregnant lady’s water breaks.

Later that night, we get the honor of watching Tea masturbate to a picture of Audrey Hepburn.

I’ll spare you the “moaning with a hand down her panties” screenshot.

Right in the middle of her session, Tea’s grandma walks in her room. If I had to share a house with that many people, I’d sure as hell lock my door when I wanted some “personal” time. Fortunately, I’m pretty sure Granny is completely senile. She climbs into bed with Tea and calls her Ruthie, which is Tea’s mom’s name. Granny tells her not to marry that Italian man. Granny is Jewish. She says that Italians just want sex. So Tea starts spilling her guts to senile Granny. She tells her that she is bored with the girls that she sleeps with. The girl who plays Tea is a painfully bad actress. Really pretty and I want her haircut, but a terrible actress.

The next day, Tea’s dad drives her to her blind date. First, they sit in the car for a while and talk about the pregnant girl that lives with them. I still have no idea who she is. An aunt? A cousin? A sister? She’s awfully blonde though for a Jewish-Italian family. Tea wants to know why she has kids when she’s on her own. Her dad tells her that she’s not alone – she has them. Even though Dad has to work two jobs.

Tea and her dad go inside some sort of Italian restaurant. I guess maybe her dad works here? He goes behind the counter and starts buttoning up a vest, like he’s putting on his uniform. He introduces Tea to who I’m going to assume is his boss and asks if “the kid” is here yet. He is, so the boss sends Tea over to meet her date. And guess who it is??

Tony!! They actually make a good couple. Both self-absorbed. Both wear leather jackets. Both like girls.

They go outside to talk and they both admit that their parents paid them to go on the blind date. Tony also brought his sister Eura (the worn out street hooker teenager we saw in the opening of the first episode) as an excuse to get away if the date sucked. Eura doesn’t talk. It must be rough living the life of a middle aged crack whore at 15 years old.

They decide to continue their “date” by buying a bottle of vodka and going to the park to play on the merry-go-round. I can’t imagine why anyone would think vodka and anything that spins is a good idea. It’s kinda making me nauseous just watching them.

Yes, she does puke over the side for the poor little kids to step in later on.

Tea asks Tony why he’s with Michelle. His answer? She’s hot and her nipples make him laugh. Oh dear Lord. What a charmer this one is. Tea asks him if it ever bores him. Tony ignores her question and asks her to tell him something about herself. She assumes that he just wants to hear lesbian sex stories. Tony says he already knows she screws girls. He wants to know something else because she’s mysterious.

Tea tells him that her dad threw his life away because of her mom. His family disowned him for marrying an Italian. Tea can’t imagine loving anyone like her dad loves her mom. Tea thinks she has a screw missing. Then they banter about how funny each other is. Ugh. Just stop already. Then Tony tells her that she’s met her match. I have no idea what he means by that. Stupid teenagers. I think they just say shit to hear themselves talk.

Tea then takes Tony up to some ratty old apartment, which I guess is the lesbian club/bar? I have no clue why it looks like it’s in an old apartment. Tea turns on some music and starts dancing on the dance floor. I think she thinks she’s a really good dancer, but she’s really not. She just taps her feet all over. Tony joins her and they dance badly together.

Isn’t she freezing? There was snow in the last episode and she’s wearing tiny dress.

The dancing turns into making out until Tea remembers that she likes girls and runs away to a couch. Then Tony joins her and they have sex on the couch. Does this lesbian bar/club/apartment just let anyone have a key when they’re not open?

Tony finishes in like five seconds. Not even kidding. The first time I watched it, I  wasn’t even sure if they had sex or not. Tea laughs at him and tells him that it was terrible. Tony tries to save face and say that normal girls like it. Tea says they must be really stupid.

Well, that’s probably the first time in a while that couch has seen a penis.

Tea is walking home alone when the creepy ass drug dealer approaches her. He asks if she can help him . She says no, but instead of running, she just stands there like an idiot. He asks her where he can find the “stupid blonde kid”. She refuses to tell him, so he calls her a “dyke”. Just then, Tea’s dad comes outside and runs the creeper off.

Kids, don’t walk the streets of Baltimore alone.

Back inside, Tea tells her dad that she doesn’t want to talk about it. He tells her to get some sleep and they’ll talk tomorrow.

Tea wanders over to Granny’s room and asks if she can sleep with her tonight. She climbs into bed and Granny starts telling stories about WWII. Granny had a lesbian lover during the war. They thought they’d be okay when they came to America, but they still faced a lot of opposition. Because of that, her lover left her and married a farmer in Wisconsin.

This was actually a decent scene in an otherwise crappy show. Minus Tea’s horrible acting.

The next day at school, Tea is eating lunch with Michelle. Michelle asks how her date was and Tea says it was good, without divulging any details. All of a sudden, Betty comes over to their table and kisses Tea in front of the whole cafeteria.

Of course all the teenage boys stare and laugh like idiots.

After school, Tea’s dad shows up with the creeper drug dealer in the backseat of a car. He’s sandwiched between two huge Italian mobster looking men and he looks scared. Tea’s dad asks her if this is the guy that called her “that name”. Tea thinks he heard him call her a “dyke” but her dad thinks he called her a “kike”.

Tea tells him to just forget about it, so her dad tells the creeper that it’s his lucky day. They’re just going to scare him then let him leave town. The two mobsters want to dump him in a lake though.

I think it’s actually Stanley’s lucky day.

Back home, Tea’s phone rings. It’s Tony. Then my Tivo cut off. I’m sure it’s a riveting teenager conversation that goes something like this:
Tony: Hi.
Tea: Hi.
Tony: What’s up?
Tea: Not much. You?
Tony: Not much.
Tea: Yeah. So what are you doing?
Tony: Nothing.
Tea: Me neither.

And so on. I have a teenage cousin and have been a witness to countless conversations exactly like that. No wonders teenagers are stupid.

That’s all for this episode. Is anyone still watching this crap??