Alright, Gasmii, is anyone still with me? I forgive you if you’ve given up on this show…I think I would have if I wasn’t recapping it. This week is Cadie’s episode. For someone who is so crazy, her episode is really, really boring.
Angsty, depressed teenagers are boring.
Previously: Cadie takes a lot of drugs, Cadie and Stanley are pretending to have sex, and Tony and Tea really ARE having sex. Or had sex once. Whatever. Oh, and Stanley saw Michelle’s boobs, which is apparently a huge deal. I don’t think he’s seen any before.
We open with Cadie at one of her (many) therapists. This one is really weird because she has bananas hanging on her desk. She also doesn’t seem very interested in Cadie. Cadie tells her that she has new friends and she’s “happier”. Bananas tells her that she’s exhibiting symptoms of depression, low self-worth, and anxiety. Sounds like a typical teenager to me.
Cadie takes a banana while the therapist tells her that she wishes she was 17 again because her vagina has the look and feel of turkey jerky. Wow. Did not want to know that. Or have that mental image. Cadie tells Bananas that her mother says she needs more drugs.
Cadie goes home and when she walks in her house, her dad is (I think) taxiderming a dead animal. At least I hope that’s what he’s doing to it. I hope he’s not just poking around at it with a knife for fun. He asks Cadie what she thinks and she tells him it looks great and like “it’s really suffering”.
Their house is huge. Couldn’t he have built a shed out back to do this in instead of using the living room?
Dad asks if the doctor fixed Cadie. She smiles and says yes. I’m assuming she “fixed” her up with some pills. Now he wants to know if Cadie likes his dead, stuffed birds on the wall. Ugh. I’m originally from West Virginia and pretty used to dead animals hanging on the walls, but this guy is really creepy for some reason.
Then we meet Cadie’s mom. She apparently used to be a pageant queen. Oh, great. I know from Toddlers and Tiaras how well adjusted those people are. She’s on the phone with someone and tells them that Cadie is beautiful, but kind of flat chested. Okay, I’m starting to see how Cadie is so screwed up.
She also talks about how proud she is that her “nipples still point towards the wall”. This is like the TMI episode.
Cadie takes her new meds and stacks them on a shelf with a ton of other medications. Then she goes into her room and starts cutting out pictures of Stanley. It’s really kind of weird. Okay, its a lot weird. I feel like she’s going to start chanting some love spell.
Does she ever actually take any?
Her mom comes in and asks her how the doctor was. She doesn’t really care, she just wants Cadie to go to some pageant thing and meet with some “executives”. She wants Cadie to remember to take her meds and to be happy and stable. Cadie tries to tell her mom something, but the phone rings and her her mom rushes out. So Cadie goes back to cutting out pictures of Stanley.
With the biggest scissors I have ever seen.
Cadie walks out into the hallway and the whole wall is full of beauty portraits of her mom. She peers into the living room and sees her parents bonding over her dad’s dead animals. He parents really seem to get along well though.
I think her mom looks like Jennifer Connelly in that one.
Stanley calls Cadie and invites her to a party over at Michelle’s house. Michelle’s mom got a new hot tub, so they’re celebrating. Cadie asks Stanley if this is their date (the one they halfheartedly discussed in the last episode). He acts all flustered then says sure, it’s a date. This relationship hasn’t even started and it’s already boring me to tears.
However, in the background, he’s got idiot Abbud and Chris telling him to ask Cadie to bring drugs. She asks what kind and Stanley says he doesn’t know, then he tells her to just bring blue pills. Well, I’m sure that narrows it down.
Later, Cadie is meeting with another therapist. She seems to think Cadie has OCD or something, because she keeps talking about washing your hands too much and stuff. She wants Cadie to walk her through her feelings. Cadie decides to talk about pigeons. She says they’re filthy and travel in flocks and you never know what they’re going to do. And they look at her.
I’m gathering she’s the free-thinking hippy type of therapist.
Dirty Hippy wants Cadie to confront her fears of pigeons, so she brought one into the office in a cage. Cadie doesn’t like it and tells the therapist that she wants to stab her. Dirty Hippy then writes her prescriptions for more drugs.
At the pharmacy, Cadie picks up about twelve packs of drugs. Can they even dispense that many at once?? I’m pretty sure there are laws against that. I can’t even get birth control more than one month at a time and what am I going to do with that? Overdose? Trust me, no one wants to OD on female hormones.
There’s some weird little kid pestering Cadie at the pharmacy. She’s offering to sell her some epilepsy pills. Dear lord. Will kids just take ANYTHING nowadays?? The girl offers to trade her for some of Cadie’s pills. Cadie agrees and becomes the proud owner of a tiny baggie of purple pills.
So…her pharmacy has an escalator?
Cadie goes home and finds her dad getting ready to pull out of the driveway. She tells him that her doctor told her to spend more time with her dad. He says that he’s heading out hunting and Cadie asks to go. He doesn’t want to take her, but she hops in the car anyways. So, I’m guessing maybe the taxidermy thing is a hobby rather than a job?? Beauty Queen better watch her back before she ends up stuffed and mounted. She’s much better seen than heard.
Next thing we know, Cadie is hanging from a tree in the woods. Now, I’ve been hunting. Most of my family back home hunts. I have never seen anyone hunt by hanging from a harness in a tree. I’ve seen people sit in trees or tree stands, but never just hanging like that. Is that a real thing??
And those are possibly the ugliest pants I’ve ever seen.
Cadie breaks rule number one of hunting and keeps yelling for her dad and chit-chatting. She hears birds coming towards her and freaks out. Can I just point out that I believe they are bird hunting. I guess no one told Cadie. Then she points the gun towards her dad. I don’t THINK she shoots him, but in the next scene she is telling Therapist #3 that her dad is dead.
Of course, she’s making the whole thing up. Well, the background story. I still have no idea if she shot her dad or what. She tells the therapist some elaborate story about how her dad was crushed underneath an elephant while having sex with her mom at a circus. Then she tells him that she has a boyfriend. Does Stanley know he’s her boyfriend? I don’t think he does.
The therapist (finally!) notices that she’s on a lot of drugs. Cadie tells him that they aren’t working and she thinks she needs stronger ones. The therapist asks her if she’s ever tried not taking any drugs. That’s probably a good idea. He tells her that people are going to disappoint her in life and drugs aren’t going to change that.
Back at home, Cadie is lying on her bed staring at a weird hanging ornament she made out of Stanley’s picture. She takes a pill and spits it back out again. Then she starts masturbating to Stanley’s picture before her mom walks in. Awkward…
This is so, so weird.
Her mom is in a hot pink, ruffled bikini. I guess to show the “executives”. Cadie asks her mom how she knows if something is real. Crazy mom tells her that “she can feel it”, while she touches her boobs. Ha. Then she tells Cadie that emotions aren’t real. Wow. Mother of the Year.
I’d probably take drugs too if this lady was my mother.
All the deep talk is too much for poor Crazy Mom’s tiny little brain, so she changes the subject to herself. She says she is 41 and doesn’t have an ounce of fat on her body. She complains that Cadie never wears the clothes that she buys for her and grabs an outfit out the closet for Cadie to wear tomorrow for the “executives”. I still don’t know who the “executives” are. Hence the quotations.
Cadie heads over to Michelle’s house for the party. As she walks through the party looking for Stanley, she keeps seeing flashes of birds or pigeons. What the fuck is the deal with the birds? I think it’s supposed to make us feel like we’re in Cadie’s disjointed mind, but it’s actually just really stupid and weird.
Cadie finds Stanley in a corner of the backyard and whispers to herself for him to look up if he likes her. He looks up and she smiles.
I don’t think it counts as a date if he doesn’t even come WITH you.
Stanley gets up to greet Cadie while Michelle’s mom yells to “drink up, you losers!”. She’s also wandering around in a bikini. Ugh. I hate moms like that. You’re not your kid’s “friend”. You just look pathetic. I remember this one girl at my college had a mom like that. She’d show up on campus in miniskirts, tube tops, and stiletto heels. She also looked like old leather from all the tanning. Ugh.
Anyway, Stanley asks if Cadie brought the drugs. She pulls out a ton of pills, but Michelle says to put them away until later. I guess her mom is cool with high schoolers getting drunk in her backyard, just not high. Stanley asks her if she has any “bedroom” mood enhancers. Do they prescribe those? Plus, who would prescribe them to a teenage girl like Cadie? I’m pretty sure you can just buy those little libido pills in the gas station. They keep them right up next to the cash register. It makes it kind of awkward when you’re just trying to buy some gum from the old guy at the register and there’s a big display of those between you two.
I just really, really, really want to brush this kid’s hair off his face.
Michelle’s mom comes over to introduce herself to Cadie, along with her boyfriend or whoever, Jimmy. He’s one of those douchebags who walks around pool parties in an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt. Mom wants to make sure all the 17-year-olds are supplied with alcohol.
Hey! It’s KC’s mom from Degrassi!!
The kids go inside and dump Cadie’s pill stash out on the pool table to rummage through it. They barely start going through it when they hear Michelle’s mom calling for them. They quickly gather up their stash and take it to another room. Cadie doesn’t follow and pulls out the purple epilepsy pills she got from that girl at the pharmacy. Then she stuffs them in some sort of pouch she has around her neck.
Back at the party, Tea found a lesbian to make out with. Tony is staring at her from the porch. Cadie approaches him and asks him if he knows where Stanley is. He tells her he doesn’t know, but he asks Cadie what the blue pills do. Cadie tells him that they intensify emotion. They have pills that do that? Teenagers aren’t emotional enough?? Dear god, I don’t want to know what a teenager is like with intensified emotions.
Tony then goes over to the hot tub and asks Abbud if he farted in there. Oh lord. I can’t believe I even have to recap this scene. Abbud says no and actually keeps arguing with him about it. He’s so annoying.
He still irritates the living shit out of me. The teenage chest hair, the gold chain…just, ugh.
Meanwhile, Stalker Stanley somehow made it up into Michelle’s room to smoke a joint. He gets all creepy and keeps mumbling shit like “don’t love him” and “love me”. But don’t worry, it’s about to get a hell of a lot creepier. I think this show has a quota of masturbation scenes they need to fill, because we get yet another one with Stanley jerking off on Michelle’s bed with her teddy bear.
I’ll spare you the masturbatory shot. You’re welcome.
Back downstairs, Michelle is clutching onto Tony in the hot tub, while he stares longingly at Tea, who is still making out with that girl she found. Abbud goes up to introduce himself to Tea’s friend, who is apparently one of those super pissed off lesbians who hates men. According to Tea, she won’t even talk to men. That’s incredibly stupid. Abbud also thinks it’s stupid, which is probably the first and last thing Abbud and I will ever agree on.
She probably even makes this face while she’s making out.
Raging Lesbian actually whispers to Tea what she wants to say to Abbud, and Tea has to tell Abbud. I understand that it’s Abbud and he’s really irritating, but seriously?? Who does that? She tells Tea that this party is “hetero-normative” and “gender-coersive” and she leaves. Big loss there. Bye-bye, Raging Lesbian!
Now we go back over to the boring duo of Michelle and Tony. Michelle keeps trying to make out with him, but he’s still staring at Tea. Michelle seriously hasn’t noticed this yet? He’s pretty obvious. Then they’re interrupted by Michelle’s mom who comes outside trying to dance in her bikini. She’s totally drunk too. Michelle pushes her back inside and tells her she is embarrassing.
Tony looks thrilled. And Chris? Please lose the douchy Ed Hardy cap. Thanks. It’s only because I love you.
Cadie wanders into Michelle’s kitchen and sees Eura (Tony’s little sister) sitting at the kitchen table. Oh, and Eura doesn’t talk. At all. Cadie tells her that she did that once for four months and they put her in a clinic. Eura just nods. Cadie tells Eura that she stopped taking drugs for her boyfriend. Yeah, the “boyfriend” who is currently jacking off in another girl’s bed.
She looks a lot less 40-year-old-hooker than last time we saw her.
Chris walks into the kitchen and reminds me why I love him. He tells Cadie hi and then looks at Eura and says, “hi totally weird Tony’s sister”. I think he’s the only person on this show I don’t find totally boring or annoying. Cadie asks his advice about Stanley. Chris tells her to just take her top off for him, because that usually works. Eura nods in agreement. Oh dear lord, this show is so ridiculous.
Oh and I guess we’re back in Cadie’s mind again, because now we’re getting quick flashes of her creepy picture cut-outs of Stanley and those damn pigeons again, while she walks outside in her bikini to sit in the hot tub. And that creepy guy Jimmy (Michelle’s mom’s boyfriend or whoever) keeps staring at her.
Creeper Jimmy follows Cadie to the hot tub and jumps in with her. She tries to jump out, but Creeper Jimmy tells her to stay. Then he starts talking about cocoons ready to blossom or something and then grabs her somewhere inappropriate underwater. Cadie hops out of the hot tub and runs away.
Back upstairs, Michelle finds Stanley either asleep or passed out on her bed. She tells Stanley that he’s nice and all, but please not to beat off on her teddy bear anymore. She was way more polite about that than I would have been. She tells Stanley he should be more worried about his girlfriend. Stanley appears shocked at the use of the word “girlfriend”. Stanley tells Michelle to sit down because he has a secret to tell her. We don’t get to hear what Stanley tells Michelle, because now we are back downstairs with Tea and Tony.
Tea and Tony are arguing about them having sex at the lesbian club. Tony is trying to get Tea to admit that she felt something, but she doesn’t want to talk about it.
What they don’t realize, is that someone is eavesdropping. They probably should have shut the door.
Cadie is a terrible eavesdropper because she doesn’t even try and run or hide when Tony walks out the door. He tries to act all nonchalant but Cadie asks him if he’s doing something bad because he’s always doing something bad. He tells her to relax, it’s a party. Cadie tells him that he can’t just keep doing whatever the hell he wants. He gets all pissy like the douchebag that he is and tells Cadie to worry about her own damn problems because she has enough of them. Shut up, Tony. You’re a douche and I don’t know why ANY of these girls like you.
Cadie goes in to talk to Tea and tells her that she heard her and Tony talking. Tea tells her that she’s sorry. Cadie asks what she’s sorry for and Tea tells her that Stanley just invited her here for her drugs and it was really shitty to do that. Tea says that Stanley should treat her better than that. Cadie looks pretty upset at this news and runs off. Aw, I really think she thought Stanley invited her for their “date”.
Unfortunately, Creeper Jimmy finds Cadie in an abandoned bedroom. He tries to talk his way out of what he did earlier, hoping that she doesn’t tell anyone. Cadie’s response is to ask him if he wants to get high. He says sure, so she gives him one of her purple epilepsy pills. At first, I thought she was trying to just knock him out so he’d leave her alone, but I guess I was wrong because Cadie starts undressing.
And closes the curtains.
While Cadie is closing the curtains, Stanley sees her from down by the hot tub. He gets suspicious and asks Michelle where her mom is. Michelle tells him that she’s probably passed out somewhere. Stanley rushes upstairs and burst in on a topless Cadie making out with Creeper Jimmy. He rushes out of the room after reminding them that he knows they have drugs, so they should probably keep quiet.
Stanley is actually kind of cute here because he takes off his shirt and gives it to a topless Cadie. They get in an argument that is basically pointless and stupid and full of teenage angst.
Cadie runs outside to a bunch of pigeons that she yells at to go away. Will someone please explain to me why they thought it was a good idea to run with a subplot about pigeons??
Back in her room at home, Cadie is passed out on her bed with her room torn apart. It looks like she tore down all of her creepy cut out pictures. Her mom comes in and yells at her because the “executives” are here and she’s not even dressed. Her mom tells her to take her medication and not to come downstairs unless she’s stable.
I’m pretty sure you have to go more than a few hours without the psych drugs for there to be a noticeable difference in your mood.
Cadie gets up and looks outside, then decides to take her pills. Well, someone’s pills. It’s hard to tell whose they are or for what ailment they are for. Then she tells us that’s she’s happy, in the most depressing voice ever.
Next week, my nightmare comes to life. It’s Abbud’s episode. I don’t know if I can make it through a whole hour about that annoying kid.