Skins: Will Someone Please Have Sex With Stanley?

Hello, Gasmii! Ready for a new scripted MTV show? Yeah, me either. But I’m kind of excited about this one, despite the fact that the last scripted MTV show I liked was Daria – over ten years ago. So, yeah, my hopes aren’t TOO high, but who knows? MTV might shock us this time.

We begin the episode with a shot of a girl who looks like she spent the night in a dumpster. She’s wandering around the streets of “Baltimore” (do they really think we can’t tell it’s Toronto?? It’s definitely not Baltimore). According to the little helpful blurbs MTV.com put at the bottom of the screen, the girl’s name is Eura and she’s Tony’s little sister. Dear Lord. She looks like she’s been a crackwhore stripper for at least 30 years. She’s still in high school???

Meet Eura. A proud follower of the Lindsay Lohan Guide to Aging.

Next, we go inside the house to meet Tony. I think he’s supposed to be the “cool”, popular guy, but other than him being a raging dick, I don’t really see it. He’s not that attractive and he’s kind of an asshole, although in a semi-charming way.

I can’t imagine he gets laid much with that bedspread.

Tony wakes up and starts doing some sort of kung-fu moves, then does some push-ups and jump roping. Does any teenager actually do that before school? I used to hit my snooze button about 30 times, then pour myself out of bed into the shower with my eyes still shut.

Tony takes a break from exercising to watch his older neighbor as she parades around naked in front of her window. I guess she likes underage boys looking at her, because she totally does it on purpose too. Tony finally sees Eura down in the street and she motions for him to distract their parents while she sneaks back in. Tony turns his stereo way up and counts to three before motioning Eura to come inside while their dad storms in Tony’s room to bitch about the music.

I doubt he’d even recognize the 40-year-old skank sneaking up the stairs behind him.

While Eura is wiping off her Taylor Momsen raccoon eyes, Tony decides to take a shit in what I assume is their only bathroom. Dad starts banging on the door and Tony silently continues reading a book called “Know Your Rodents”. When he’s done, he leaves the door locked and climbs out the window and goes back inside his house to have breakfast, leaving Dad upstairs continuing to scream and bang on the bathroom door.

Dad comes downstairs to bitch at Mom and sees Tony sitting at the kitchen table. He goes into another rampage. I’m still not sure how they took the original British Skins and turned it into a parody when they’re almost scene-by-scene identical. This one is just more…cheesy. I think it’s the over-the-top acting. The dad is especially bad. No wonder his kids don’t take him seriously.

After leaving the house, Tony spends his whole walk to school on his cell phone. Typical. Remember when you actually had to show up to school early so you could chat with your friends in the hallway before school started?

Tony first calls his friend Stanley, who looks like a typical stoner kid, except we find out later that he doesn’t know too much about drugs. Stanley is sleeping under a pile of porno magazines and doesn’t answer his phone.

So Tony calls Daisy next. Daisy is practicing her trumpet, which, who does THAT before school either? Geez. I must have just been a really lazy kid or something. Tony wants Daisy to walk six blocks away to Stanley’s house and wake him up. Does Stanley not have parents? Or an alarm clock?

Call waiting. This time it’s Michelle, or “Nips”, as Tony so affectionately calls her. She doesn’t like it. Tony tells her she needs to help Stanley with his virginity problem. She doesn’t want to.

Also, who has time to take bubble baths before school???

Call waiting again. This time it’s a kid named Chris who is sleeping in a tent  with some girl. Tony wants Chris to go wake Stanley up. Will someone please buy Stanley a damn alarm clock?

Yeah, that tent is set up in his living room.

Tony is starting to get confused (as am I) with all the phone calls, so he accidentally calls Daisy “Nips”, thinking she is Michelle, and she calls him a moron. I like Daisy.

Tony finally gets Michelle back on the phone and she agrees to help out Stanley.

I guess Tony has a really long walk to school, because I’m pretty sure he’s calling half of his class. Now he calls his friend Abbud, while he is in prayer at the Muslim temple. Dumbass answers his phone during prayer and gets bitched out by his uncle and kicked out of prayer time. Tony wants Abbud to come to this party tonight where Stanley is going to lose his virginity. Abbud wants to go to some lesbian thing called Lez-o-rama instead.

Abbud. Keeping everyone straight yet?

Meanwhile, Tony has walked what seems like 17 miles and is now finally getting on a bus. A public bus, not a school bus. He finally just calls Stanley’s dad and tells him that Stanley has a Sociology test in fifteen minutes. So Stanley’s dad wades through all the porn and wakes Stanley up. Why didn’t he just do that in the first place?

Now we are cheerleading practice at the school. All these kids must get up at 4 am to do all this shit before school. Tony calls one of the cheerleaders, Tea (pronounced “Tey-a” instead of “Tee”, which is what I keep wanting to call her when I see her name in print),  who is doing her routine with a bluetooth in her ear. Yeah right, no one is that coordinated. Tony wants Tea to come to the party tonight as well, but I guess she’s going to Lez-o-rama with Abbud and Chris.

Did I mention that Tea is a closet lesbian?

FINALLY, Stanley calls Tony back. Also, Tony is finally at school. Stanley is pissed that his dad saw his porn stash. Um, maybe not fall asleep with it lying all over your bed next time? Tony tells him about his plan to get Stanley laid tonight.

Meet Stanley. I can’t imagine why this kid is a virgin.

These kids are finally in school and are in some class learning about depression. Daisy is reading something from the book while the teacher is crying like a lunatic. Tony tells her, “no more PE teachers”, so I’m assuming she broke up with the guy or something.

She’s also wearing a mini skirt and TONS of cleavage. Go figure.

Apparently Chris (the kid who was in the tent earlier) has a crush on the emotional cripple teacher. He carries her books every day. Where exactly does a teacher have to carry her books? When do they ever leave their classroom?

While Chris is talking to Emotional Cripple, her phone rings and Chris answers it and tells the guy to stop calling her. It’s PE Teacher and he wants to know who the hell is answering Emotional Cripple’s phone. Chris is a dumbass and tells the guy his whole name, who PE Teacher recognizes as one of his students. PE Teacher then tells Chris he is late on an essay and to turn it in by Thursday at 9 am. Haha.

Everyone is headed to the cafeteria and Tony is still trying to get Tea and Abbud to ditch the lesbian party and come help Stanley get laid. Tea tells Tony that if he can get Stanley laid, she will “accidentally” lose control of her breasts during next weeks halftime show.

Tony meets up with Stanley in the cafeteria and tells him about his big plan. I don’t even think Stanley believes he is really going to get laid. Poor kid. Stanley asks who the lucky girl is and in walks Michelle. Stanley totally thinks he is going to get to bang Michelle, until she sits down and starts making out with Tony. Don’t worry, Stanley. I thought they meant you were going to have sex with Michelle too.

Does anyone else think she looks like Anya from Degrassi with different hair?

Michelle got some girl named Cadie (ughh…I hate that spelling) to de-virginize poor Stanley. Stanley asks if Cadie is still in the hospital and Michelle tells him that she’s out, she’s just not allowed around knives. I think I’d just stick with my virginity if I were him. Geez. Michelle tells Stanley where to find Cadie and tells him to go “break the ice”.

Stanley goes down to some weird kitchen area that has lots of knives and lots of vegetables. What the fuck kind of school do these kids go to anyways? Stanley introduces himself and Cadie tells him about her hamster that she hung over her bed after he died. Well, that’s one way to introduce yourself. Cadie then mentions that she’s crazy. Thanks for the clarification. Cadie tells Stanley that she’ll see him at the party and she expects some really great narcotics.

This is Cadie. She looks very much like Lucy from the old, 80′s Degrassi.

Tony is auditioning for the chamber choir at an all-girls school. Can you guess his underlying reasons for that one? He sings some song about “let’s do it” – the “it” is supposed to be love – but the girls of course are sexually frustrated and the song is taking on a whole new meaning to them.

While Tony continues singing about doing it, Stanley is on the bus watching some topless video of Michelle. He gets off the bus in some random upper middle class neighborhood.

After his audition, Tony gets accosted by some blonde chick named Tabitha. She is all giddy and annoying. She ask Tony if he is still coming to her party tonight. He says he’ll be there.

We’re already on nine main characters in the first episode.

On his way out, Tony is on his damn cell phone again, loudly talking about drugs and sex in the hallway of the all-girls school. After telling Michelle he’ll “do her” after school, a teacher or headmaster of the girls school approaches him and tells him that he doesn’t belong here because he has a penis. Well, those are my words, not his. He also correctly assumes that Tony is there to pick up girls. Tony tells him he was there auditioning for the chamber choir then walks off before the headmaster can say anything else. The kid really is a smarmy little asshole, isn’t he?

I love the sign on the wall behind him.

Back to poor Stanley. He’s trying to score drugs but can’t find the house that Tony told him to go to. He finally finds the house and knocks on the door. A lady in lingerie opens the door and asks if Stanley is her 2:30 appointment. Also, Stanley’s mom calls him to ask about his test as soon as the lady opens the door. He quickly gets Mom off the phone and tries to figure out what the hell is going on.

He’d probably be better off with a hooker rather than the crazy knife girl.

Back at school, Daisy, Chris, Abbud, and Tea are smoking pot in the bathroom. They’re trying to figure out how to tell Tony they’d rather go to Les-o-rama than his stupid party. Then Tony walks in. Tony can’t understand why everyone doesn’t want to go to a party where Stanley is going to score. I don’t get why they’d WANT to go to a party just to see Stanley score. Are they all going to watch or something?

Chris doesn’t think Stanley will get laid anyways. He says that Stanley’s junk turns left, but only when it’s hard. Everyone is trying to figure out how Chris knows that. Then Tony explains that he meant that Stanley is scoring weed. Abbud tells Tony that no one is buying right now since some basketball team came through town. Does that mean the basketball team kept everyone supplied or did they do some kind of DARE program and get everyone off drugs? I’m kind of confused as to how a basketball team coming through town makes people quit buying weed.

Tony then tries to call Stanley, Of course Stanley is that kid who has a phone, yet never answers it. Tony leaves a voicemail telling Stanley to NOT buy the drugs.

Meanwhile, Stanley is sitting in the porno den trying to figure out if he’s getting drugs or getting laid. Or both. Some guy in a track suit shows up and tells Stanley he is Maurice le Dong, PHd. PHd standing for “pretty huge dick”. RME. Stands for “rolling my eyes”.

Where the hell do you even buy gold furniture?

Stanley tells PHD that he wants some drugs. PHD wants money, but Stanley tells him that someone told him that he could get the drugs now and pay later. PHD isn’t happy, so Stanley goes to leave, then PHD asks him what he wants. Stanley tells him he wants an ounce of weed and PHD gives him four ounces and tells him he owes him $900 in 48 hours. PHD then grabs Stanley’s balls and tells him that is his collateral. Stanley is fucked. Figuratively.

Stanley meets up with Tony outside Tabitha’s party and Tony asks if Stanley got his messages. Apparently not, because Stanley bought the weed. Then Michelle (who I keep wanting to call Melanie for some reason??) shows up with Cadie. Tony tells him they have to sell some weed so Stanley doesn’t get in trouble with his dealer, then Stanley tells them that they have to get rid of FOUR OUNCES of weed.

Tabitha greets them at the door and introduces everyone…there are a lot of Chads there. It’s one of those super rich upper class parties. Tony asks Tabitha if her friends want any weed. Can they say weed on TV? Because they seem to just insinuate what they’re talking about a lot instead of just saying it. Anyways, Tabitha says they can’t smoke in there because her parents just bought new wallpaper from Rome.

First of all, what kind of teenager owns a dress like that. Second of all, how the hell are her boobs staying in there while she bounces up and down?

Michelle decides to “get the party started”, which I guess to her means feeling herself up all over the dance floor. Seriously, she goes out there and just starts feeling her boobs. It’s the weirdest dance I’ve ever seen. Her and Tony start grinding while poor Stanley looks like he’s going to throw up. You and me both, Stanley.

Outside, Tea, Abbud, Chris and Daisy decided to show up since Les-o-rama sucked. They’re also already half drunk. This should be interesting.

Out back, Cadie is jumping on the trampoline with Stanley. They start kissing and Cadie tells Stanley that she knows that he loves Michelle, but Michelle loves Tony. But she thinks Stanley is sweet. Yep, that’s what all guys want to hear. Guys LOVE the friend zone.

Back inside, Chris starts stealing cell phones and keys in the entryway from the rich people before heading into the party and ripping his shirt off. The kid is fucking insane.

Outside, Cadie still offers to have sex with Stanley. She tells him he has to be quick though because she took a shitload of pills.  Then she passes out. Guess he wasn’t quick enough.

Inside, Tabitha is freaking out. She tells Tony that it got “too urban”. She also sees that Chris wore his muddy shoes inside and smeared mud all over her parent’s carpet from Taiwan. She screams at him to take them off, but Chris thinks she means his pants. Eventually the preppy rich kids start fighting with the “Skins” (I don’t know what else to call them).

When Stanley walks in with Cadie draped over his shoulder, he tells them they need to go. They head outside and it’s already daylight. I can’t believe they lasted that long at the party. Michelle says that she usually takes Cadie to the hospital to detox, so I’m assuming this is regular behavior for her. They are trying to figure out how to get to the hospital, when Chris pulls out a set of stolen keys from his picket. He hits the unlock button and finds they belong to a black Escalade in the driveway.

I’m assuming none of them have a driver’s license because they let Tony drive and he’s terrible. After almost running into an ambulance, they make it to the hospital. Speaking of ambulances, we know they all have cell phones, so is there a reason they didn’t just call 911? As soon as they reach the emergency room, Cadie wakes up and says she has to pee.

They take Cadie next to some trees by a body of water to pee for some reason. They’re in the middle of town. They couldn’t have found a McDonald’s or something? She could have walked in the damn hospital and peed.

Inside the Escalade, they rest of them decide to get high. While Tony is looking for some skins to roll the weed up, he accidentally knocks the vehicle into gear (or neutral probably since they were on a hill). Tony needs to smoke less weed because his reaction time sucks. He doesn’t hit the brake in time and the car goes into the water.

Uh oh.

Don’t worry, they all make it out. The weed, however, is not so lucky. Or so it seems. It floats back to the surface after they leave.

Do none of these kids have parents who care if they’re out all night?

Tony’s naked neighbor is waiting for him by the window, but he’s not at the window this morning. This time, we pan back to see that naked lady is actually the wife of the headmaster guy from the all-girls school.

Back in Tony’s room, he asks Stanley if he’s still a virgin. Stanley says yes.

So what did you guys think?? A quick look at the IMDb message boards didn’t look good. People didn’t seem to like it. Although I did see that they’re branching off from the British series after this episode and going in a different direction.

I didn’t think it was terrible. It reminded me a lot of Undressed mixed with some Degrassi.