Clark and Lana Try to Find Sexual Healing

It’s been a little while since I have taken the time to comment on a Smallville episode. Yes, the Tivo missed one and I made an urgent plea to TVgasm readers for help, which they obliged. The main problem though was that the WB has waited quite a long time to air new episodes after the new year. Although some people argue that my infatuation with Kristin Kreuk has clouded my objectivity, and although I might not love Smallville as much if the mannish-chinned Jennifer Garner was in the lead, I still think the formula works quite well. And since one of the admittedly many reasons TVgasm was launched was because I wanted to write about the show, I think everybody owes that fine ass of Kristin Kreuk at least a little bit of gratitude.I have long lamented how the writers of The OC really have no grasp on how long or short story arcs should be, although since I am only a viewer, maybe I’m the one full of shit. Still, when I see how the writers of Smallville are able to juggle between full season and three or four episode story lines with ease, not to mention bringing back interesting characters at what always seems like a good time, perhaps I am only half full.

As we open the episode, Clark is studying at the Talon. As the star quarterback on a team that won the state championship, Clark not only won himself a scholarship, but also the sudden onset adoration of his classmates, including many that have never seen the school newspaper. So it is only natural to think that when Clark is invited by two hotties to a party and they make special mention of the hot tub that will be at the party, he will be more than happy to oblige them with his super self. (Oh look, more than 5 people in the high school have speaking parts. I hope The OC writers are learning.) But this is Clark Kent, and he is forever to be tortured by love he may never be able to fully experience. As he explains to his mom later, he is interested in other girls, but he doesn’t want to get to know them only to be forced to lie to them about his secret. Well, he could have sex with them and then sneak out the next morning, but I guess he’ll have to wait until college to try that out. Like he said “A girl must be crazy to go out with me.” Oh, now that’s a GREAT setup for a segue.

It just so happens that there was one girl that was very crazy and very much into Clark. Her name was Alicia, and for those of you who don’t remember, or are just humoring me by reading this article, she not only learned of Clark and his abilities, but had some abilities of her own in the form a nifty little teleporting trick. Alicia (played by Sarah Carter, who makes me rethink my Erica Durance crush) is hot and Clark actually seemed to enjoy spending time with her, that is at least until she became a little too obsessed with having Clark all to herself, to the point where she tried to kill any competition, including Lana.

Alicia was sent to the crazy house, but through the miracles of modern medicine, was completely cured. Her doctors even developed an arm band that would prevent her using her teleporting ability. After her release, she immediately goes to see Clark and apologizes. Now even though we all have a feeling that this is going to turn into some crazy fatal attraction, you can see the kind of attraction Clark and Alicia have for each other. She went as far to say that knowing Clark was on the outside and had feelings for her was one of the things that gave her the strength to get better (“In my darkest moment, you gave me hope”). For Clark, he was impressed that there was one person on this earth that not only knew what it was like to be different from everybody else, but knew about his secret, and didn’t reveal it for any reason.

Now Clark’s parents aren’t so sure that she is cured, and Clark wants to make sure that everything is on the up and up, so he asks Chloe to do a little investigation for him. After hacking into the computer of the mental facility that had stored Alicia, she learns that the she didn’t escape, and that her doctors really did believe she was cured.

With this knowledge in hand, Clark decides it would be no problem to see Alicia, you know, since she is cured and all. They have a nice little date at the skating rink, and although Clark has superpowers, it doesn’t mean he has any natural balance on the ice. This leads to the obligatory hand hold around the rink, followed by Clark falling and Alicia falling on top of him. Naturally, this would lead to a nice little romantic kiss on the ice, but that was not to happen. Alicia caught a glimpse of her doctor in the skating rink and held back. Apparently the doctor was smart enough to put a locator in the bracelet, so Alicia would never get too far. He tells her that Clark is the object of her obsession and the reason why she was in the hospital in the first place. It is therefore imperative that she never see Clark.

While it’s not too hard to believe that Alicia isn’t homicidal, we can all tell that she is still really into Clark, and with only slightly less vigor than John Hinckley was interested in Jodie Foster. She wants to be with Clark, but it’s obvious that despite his feelings for her, he is not going to leave the life that he has to be with her. From there, she decides she must do something else if she is ever going to get close.

Our teleporting friend is not the only person Smallville trying to put back together the pieces of a broken relationship. Lana is trying to win back Jason. He doesn’t want to admit the reason he broke up with Lana was because he couldn’t stand up to his mother, so he makes up some excuse that she is not ready for the kind of relationship he needs. Lana takes this to mean that Jason was not happy with the idea of spending his nights doing the post-coital cuddle without doing the coital first. Confused, she talks to Chloe about her problem. When Lana was possessed and we learned that she was still a virgin, it was not that huge of a shock, even though she did spend three months in Paris dating the same guy. Chloe admitted that most people thought that they had already did the nasty, and then surprised all of us by revealing that she had cashed in her V-card already.

Whoa! That’s right. Not to digress too much, but Chloe actually got laid before Lana did. Chloe’s not exactly homely, but she is not Lana. But you kind of have to take into account who was persuing each of them. Lana had Jason, former star athlete probably very familiar with many cheerleaders, while Chloe had Jimmy (yes THAT Jimmy) from the Daily Planet, who was likely most familiar with hand lotion and a box of tissues. Now I don’t want to ruin the chances out of all of the dorky newspaper interns out there, but Chloe was truly not impressed and told Lana that she wished her first time was more special. Looks like Jimmy is going to have to relearn how to be happy with “The Stranger”.

Chloe warned Lana that she shouldn’t have sex with Jason for the wrong reason, but Lana was convinced that it would be worth it if that would keep them together. She proceeded to line her apartment with a bunch of tea candles and wait for Jason in one of his long-sleeve shirts. Now while I believe there is no better way to surprise your man (and believe me, it’s not the tea candles), Jason was a little less enthused when he came in and saw Lana in that state. Lana started to get undressed, but with some sort of inhuman willpower Jason didn’t throw her on the bed and give it a go. He then admits that the reason why he broke up with Lana was, in fact, his mother. And he wasn’t just scared of what his mother might think, he believed his mother had somehow arranged for him to meet Lana and couldn’t let his mother use him to get close to Lana any longer. It’s an excuse that really should tell Lana how much Jason still loves her, but we know she isn’t going to be consoled knowing that he loves her if he can’t be with her.


So, Lana kind of sucked at luring her man into the bed, but Alicia is much more creative than Lana and just a little more determined. She will use any means necessary to get her man including drugs. We all know that Clark isn’t going to swoon after downing some ecstasy and viagra, the only thing that really alters his behavior is kryptonite. Green kryptonite kills him, and red kryptonite is like a drug that strips Clark of any conscience (much like Bacardi 151 does for J-Unit on occasion). Alicia knows about the red Kryptonite, and so decides to use it on Clark. She makes a necklace from some pieces that she found in the offices of The Torch and told Clark she made it as a gift to him while she was in the hospital. As expected, it has its desired effect.

At first the red kryptonite leads to a little heavy petting. Clark is not only interested in making out with Alicia though, he wants a little supthin’ sumpthin’. It is obvious that Alicia planned on all of this happening, but she still wanted her time with Clark to be special. She was a virgin herself, and she wanted Clark to be just as committed as she was. She didn’t want a fling, she wanted a boyfriend. It turns out that he was even more committed than Alicia had hoped, and suggested that they elope to Vegas that night and get married (as if people elope to Vegas to hold hands). With that, Clark broke off her protective wrist band and they went to Vegas.

As expected, it was a quick ceremony, as the two lovebirds seemed much more interested in the honeymoon suite. Once there, the two proceeded to toss each other around and rip off their clothes. For Alicia, it was the happiest moment in her life, but she still wanted it to mean something. She didn’t want Clark to make love to her if he wasn’t in love to her. Just before he was ready to break on through to the other side, so to speak, Alicia removed the red kryptonite necklace. Immediately Clark knew that he had been drugged. He didn’t know where he was, but he had to get back to Smallville.

Speaking of acting like they were on drugs (if you were wondering, yes I do love coming up with these cheesy transitions), Lionel Luthor was definitely acting a few cards short of a deck for a long time now. He has no money, but seemingly doesn’t care. He tells Lex he is a changed man, has a greater purpose and wants to inspire the human spirit to avoid the path of darkness. No, he wasn’t signing up for the Jerry Falwell ministries, he just wanted to help the poor. Lex wants to believe him, and we all want to believe him, but Lionel has put on an act before. Sure it would mean pulling off one of the greatest hoaxes imagineable, i.e. pretending he had all of a sudden become benevolent, but he was facing the toughest challenge since Lex left him with no money. Eventually, Lex decides that it was more advantageous for him to keep an eye on his father than have him wandering around doing no good, so Lionel became a Kato Kaeilin and began his stay in the guest house. OK, stupid little piece of information that completely took us out of the flow, but I had to put it somewhere, right?

Anwyay, back in Smallville, Clark is trying to pick up the pieces of his broken marriage. Well, that’s not really true since he was drugged and the marriage wasn’t legal, but he is trying to find out where Alicia went since she is nowhere to be find. Alicia’s psychiatrist, Dr. McBride appears at the farm, and starts chatting with Clark. Dr. McBride is none too happy about what Clark did. Alicia was McBride’s greatest achievement, and not only did Clark jeopardize that by getting close to her, but he developed quite the thing for Alicia while she was his patient. Alicia finally shows up at the far, and tries to stop the argument before it gets too far. Unfortunately, Dr. McBride decided to let his obsession with her get in front of his common sense and tries to shoot Clark. Even though Clark would have no trouble stopping the bullet, Alicia teleports in front of the bullet before it hits Clark. She had always promised to help keep Clark’s secret, and she was willing to risk her life to do so.

As you might have guessed, Dr. McBride was taken in for questioning about his shooting of a former patient. Alicia was recovering in the hospital, and Clark goes to visit her. You can see how much it hurts him, because he wants to be with her so bad. He admits that he still thinks she is beautiful, and still loves her, but it would be impossible for them to be together. So I wasn’t exactly fighting back tears, but the melodrama meter was turned up all the way.

What lies ahead for the Smallville virgins? I’m not sure, but they went 0-3 today. Still, you have to hold out hope that his platoon of the unlaid brigade will have success in the future. Alicia clearly has the pick of any man she wants, as long as it’s not Clark. There’s only so long that Jason is going to be able to cool off a hot for some action Lana. And Lois has already seen Clark naked, so half the work is done. Maybe we didn’t get quite the plot details we wanted vis a vis the ancient artifacts of krypton, the maps and such, but you sure as hell aren’t going to hear me complain.