It’s the End of the World As We Know It

So here’s the deal. I didn’t do a recap of Smallville’s season finale because I am a lazy bastard. Because all of the other shows I am doing this year, I probably won’t have time to do a full recap every week. However, I don’t want to leave the people waiting for smallville recaps hanging. On top of this, I need to stop writing in approximately sixty minutes in order to make happy hour. This will undoubtedly leave me too wasted to do any writing until the middle of the day tomorrow, but I won’t do much more this weekend than watch football on Saturday and Sunday, so good luck getting anything done then. Therefore, my Smallville recap has to get done today within the next 58 minutes. Hopefully, I will be able to pull it off. If not, I guess I’ll just have to try something different next week.When we ended the season last year, Clark killed Professor Fine, but his krypton father (Jor-el) told him to kill Lex. Killing Professor fine disabled him from doing damage, but in the meantime, it released General Zod, who was responsible for all the shit that happened on Krytpon. He was able to shutdown all of the electrical systems across the world, causing mass hysteria in Smallville and even causing the Luthorcorp plane to crash with Martha Kent and Lois inside. Clark went to stop Lex-Zod (how many times can people possess other people’s bodies on this show before it gets old?), but Lex-Zod sent him to that weird crystal prison thing, which sucks, but what was even worse was that Chloe actually kissed Clark! Shortest love affair ever! We deserve more!

Finally!

So, how are things going now in Smallville? Pretty much the same. Metropolis looks…

I know I was in the middle of a joke, but my friend wanted to go to Robek’s to get some smoothies. If you don’t know, Robek’s is basically like wannabe Jamba Juice. I prefer Jamba Juice, but my friend gets all a twitter over the Acai at Robek’s. I got Strawnana Berry, but this also means I only have another 35 minutes to finish the recap.

Anyway, Metropolis looked like a war zone. The only scenario that can come close would be to see Philadelphia if any of their sports teams were to win a championship. It would be like putting a half off sign in front of the Zankou Chicken in Little Armenia.

Before all of the crazy shit went down, Lana decided that she was going to be with Lex forever and ever, ’til death and all that shit. Lana is probably aware that Lex had a lot of baggage, but she has no clue that Lex-Zod is such a bastard. She thinks that Lex has all this power and he should use it to help people, but Lex-Zod really just wants the world to end.

Meanwhile, what happened to Lois and Martha? Weren’t you listening? I said that the plane crashed. They were flying from Kansas to Washington, but somehow found themselves on the side of some snowy mountain? Really, how does that happen? I was thinking to myself “That sucks”, because crashing in the arctic is bad enough, but there also happens to be no electricity anywhere on the earth, so you’re going to have to wait a long time to be rescued.

I was starting to think that Martha Kent was going to have to create a fire and eat one of Lois’ legs to survive. Oh, and this just popped into my head, but if the writers need something funny to write about, how about telling the story of Lois and her breast implants? We can’t just pretend that they don’t exist can we? Back to the story, Martha didn’t have to worry about cannibalism, because she might have landed in the arctic, but the crash placed her within walking distance of the fortress of solitude.

Martha drags Lois to the fortress, and she hears Jor-el’s voice. Jor-el breaks it down how Clark fucked up, but basically killing Fine and releasing Zod was not good for the fortress. Jor-El knew that Clark was imprisoned, but gave Martha a way to kill Lex-Zod if she had to. And for his final trick, Zod teleported Lois and Martha back to Smallville.

Lana and Lex-Zod went home to Smallville, and Lex-Zod started talking about destroying the Earth to make it like Krypton. But first, he had to go to the pentagon. Lana decided that she didn’t want to sit and do nothing while genocide is going on, unlike, say, the UN, and attempted to hit Lex-Zod over the head with a fire poker. Instead, Lex-Zod poked Lana, straight through the hand, impaling her against the wall and then leaving for Washington.

Well, I just finished sending like five e-mails, which I rushed through, but still took like five minutes of time. However, I still think I can get through this…

Lana manages to pull the poker out of her hand and gets to the Kent farm where she bumps into Martha and now Lionel. They are discussing how to kill Zod. Jor-el gave Martha a dagger that could kill Zod, the only problem being how to get close enough. Conveniently (I’m saying that a lot this episode, so get used to it) Lana was able to solve that problem. She goes back to the Luthor Mansion, where Lex has started the electricity on the Earth again, because he needs to be able to control a secret pentagon satellite that can, I guess, destroy all life on earth and cause earthquakes and what not.

Sorry to go off on a tangent here, but I must note that it looks like Chloe has a love interest. Remember Jimmy Olsen, the Daily Planet intern that took Chloe’s v-card and then never called her back, not even for a booty call? Well, he’s back, or actually, we finally see him because we never saw him before, and he is played by Aaron Ashmore of Veronica Mars fame (he played Tory Vandergraff). He’s almost sorry for what he did to Chloe and she’s happy to have a super hero, even though she nearly shot him with the gun Lionel gave her to protect herself. I like this cast addition and it’s good to see that Chloe will be sucking some face. And no worries Chloe fans, she’s still managed to show some cleavage, even through the pea coat.

Where were we? Oh yes. Lana tries to seduce Lex-Zod, and is doing a pretty good job. Lex-Zod said she didn’t have to die if she gave him an heir. Unfortunately, as they were getting down to business, it was Lana who shot her was a little too early, and tried to stab Lex-Zod before he was distracted enough. He catches her, breaks the dagger in half and is about to kill her when (yes, VERY conveniently) Clark shows up.

BUT WHERE THE HELL WAS HE?

Clark was imprisoned in that crystal, which looked like a tight space, but it really was simply a gateway to an entirely different dimension. Immediately, he is attacked by some strange phantom looking things. Luckily, there is somebody there to save him, unluckily, after that person saves him, they kick him in the face. The person, who turns out to be a woman, Raya, played by the lovely Pascale Hutton, takes him back to her place and tends to his wounds. Clark finds out that she used to be her father’s assistant and also helped build the prison that they are in.

That means that she knows how to get out. Unfortunately, she doublecrosses him along the way when they are ambushed by those freaky disciples of Zod. However, it was a double-double cross. Raya told the Disciples of Zod to save Clark because he could get them out of the prison, but only because they would have killed Clark otherwise. When they get there, she kills one of the disciples and Clark is able to leave the prison. Raya seems to be killed making a diversion for Clark, but Clark successfully teleports back to the real world. He goes to his house, obviously learns what is going on with Lex and heads to the mansion.

Sorry, I was having a really good IM conversation with another friend about creating a new holiday so we could get out of having to go to work on Yom Kippur without having to, you know, give up pork chops and driving your car on Saturdays.

Clark reaches the Luthor mansion in time to stop Lex-Zod from killing Lana, but Lex-Zod is not a pussy. In fact, he can kind of kick Clark’s ass. Actually, he is beating up Clark so badly, he actually crushes a boulder using Clark’s head. It gets so bad that when Lex-Zod offers Clark a way to save his loved ones (by pledging allegiance to Zod), Clark takes him up on his offer. I was really upset that Clark gave up so easily, but Clark had a trick up his sleeve. When Lex-Zod asked Clark to kneel and take his hand and pledge an oath, Clark kneeled and placed a special crystal in Zod’s hand instead. Zod is vanquished from Lex’s body, presumably to the alternate prison dimension from late in the episode.

Episode is almost done, but I need to get some screencaps, so here we go. Clark visits Lois in the hospital. She remembers a palace of ice, and Clark thinks she may be on to the fortress, but she just died and thought she was in heaven. They have to ratchet up the sexual tension between these two because it should be past the “OMG! they like are totally holding hands!” stage. By the way, you think that Lana would be sort of upset that the so-called love of her life nearly killed her with a fire poker, but they simply decided that true love is hard to find. Can you all do me a favor? If the girl I’m with stabs me with any object on purpose and it requires hospitalization, tell me I’m a retard and should get out of that relationship.

Next, Clark goes to Chloe. They talk about their awkward kiss, and Chloe says “it was the end of the world, it’s not like we have to hook up”, but you can see in Clark’s eyes that he does want to hook up, and you can see in Chloe’s eyes that she would so get naked and do it on he desk if he wanted to, but Clark is his pussy self and agrees. And Jimmy Olsen is there to be all geek-debonair and sweep Chloe off her feet for a date at the vending machines.

However, the worst part of it all is that Clark went back to the fortress, but it’s not really a fortress if his dad isn’t there telling him what to do. Now he’s lost, both of his fathers are gone, he can’t talk to Lex, Lana, or even Chloe, and, oh, did I mention that when he teleported back here, he took some of the creatures from the Phantom Dimension back with him? The first one showed up in Patagonia, but I am sure more will follow.

I know I rushed through things, but I did like this first episode. This recap only took about an hour, so although it’s light on snark, I don’t mind pounding these out so people can still discuss. Now it’s time for me to pound some beers, and depending on how the evening goes, I’ll…oh, you didn’t need to hear that. Enjoy the weekend!

What did you think of this episode?