Lana Gets Possessed by an Evil Slut

Although I am enjoying this season of Smallville, sometimes I wonder about the writers and their train of thought. I mean, I am not one to pass judgment about fixating promiscuous young women (after a season of Buffy and Riley and Buffy and Spike, I am immune), but it’s like the show just received an influx of writers used to writing for films with names like Passion Designer and A Midsummer Night’s Cream One thing I do like is the expanded role of the ancestors of Krypton in the form of ancient myths from Europe, Africa, and South America. I generally like the way Smallville has expanded the Superverse, as it gives those of us who haven’t had the opportunity to follow the comics as much as we like (or at all) to get a taste of some of the other characters. Personally, I am waiting for them to introduce Gus Gorman, played by Richard Pryor in Superman III, but I may be the only one hoping for that.A lot of the early part of this season has centered on the walls of the cave in Smallville with all of the Kryptonian symbols. So far, we know that there are three stones that are said to hold great power and whoever possesses them will have a wealth of knowledge previously unknown to any person alive. Clark has one stone already inside the cave. He stole it from Lex, who was digging up some things in Egypt. We know the location of a second stone, the one that means water or transference. Lionel used it to temporarily switch bodies with Clark, and it is know in the hands Bridgette Crosby of the Swann Institute. Lana has the same symbol on the transference stone tattooed on her body thanks, it seems, to an old relative, who was burned at the stake in France for being a witch, and that is how we start off this week.

We have a flashback to 1604, and although French Catholics were mostly busy ridding themselves of those crazy Protestants at the time, who can’t find some time to burn a few witches at the stake? Lana’s ancestor, the Countess Isabella Thoureau(also played by Kristin Kreuk) was just about to get burned at the stake along with two of her accomplices. Somehow, somebody had taken their book of spells, so of course the were powerless. Before you execute anybody, you have to give them one last chance to live, and that is the case here as the mayor or whoever is ordering the immolation asks Isabella one more time about her witchcraft. Isabella sees that he has the book and wants to know about the “three stones of power”. She casts a spell, which places the now familiar tattoo on her back, and then spits some blood on the book. The mayor, having enough, orders the peasants (who sound more Piker than they do French) light the pyres, and the flames engulf the witches. Isabella is cackling hysterically, so you know that it’s going to take more than burning her alive to get rid of her for good.

Back in more recent times, Jason and Lana are enjoying some time to themselves. Poor Jason, he loses his job at the Smallville High, and now the only thing occupying his time is this hot 18 year old piece of ass he’s living with. Lana has been researching the Countess, after all that happened to her in France, and used all of her money to buy the Countess’ manuscript off of eBay, which is better than the generic used book salesman shows usually drag out when they usually have to find an ancient text. Lana opens the book and finds the page with the blood. She touches the blood, and we can see that when Isabella spat on the book in the first place, it was the final step in a transference spell. Isabella takes over Lana’s body, and begins to go to work on whatever she had planned 400 years ago, and she has her powerful book to help her.

Isabella is mixing up some sort of potion, and the next ingredient just happens to be the hair from two virgins. (Why do so many spells need body parts or blood of virgins?) She takes a tug from Lana, inspects it, and decides that Lana has been a very good girls and can use her hair. I was wondering what else besides a summer in Paris it would take for Jason to get in her pants. At that moment, Chloe and Lois walk in. Lois is in town planning Chloe’s surprise 18th birthday party. Clark’s parents are out of town, so they are having the party in his barn. Just in case you were wondering if it could get any more like Risky Business, we learn that a recruiter from Princeton is coming over to talk with Clark. Nothing bad can come of this, especially with Lois at the help. Anyway, Isabella grabs some of Lois’ hair and is disgusted. Apparently Lois gets around, because she doesn’t have virgin hair, and Isabella must seek out another virgin’s locks.

Although Chloe is just outside, isabella decides to head to the Kent farm. Clark is busy wrapping Chloe’s present, and doing a packaging job no blind man would be proud of, when Isabella walks in. Clark is still under the belief that Lana is upset with him because Jason was fired, but Isabella has no interest in those details of course. She tries to cut Clark’s hair, but it breaks her scissors. After explaining she wanted a lock of hair for a scrapbook for Chloe, Clark said she only has to ask, and gives her a strand of his hair. The next ingredient on the list is a fine wine, and so Isabella visits Lex, saying she needs a wine to toast to Chloe. Lex is still hot for Lana, so he finds a nice turn of the (twentieth) century vintage for her. While there, Isabella notices Lex’s little piece of parchment containing the map. She knows what is hidden, knows that Lex must not have it, and destroys the manuscript. When Lex objects, he tells him to practice some piano, and so he suddenly has the urge to play Schubert.

With her spell now made Isabella turns her attention to resurrecting her old mates. Thankfully, Lana has two close friends that are more than happy to join her out in the middle of the woods with no questions asked whatsoever. Isabella gives Chloe and Lois her potion, and they suddenly transform into Madeline and Brianna. Brianna(in Lois’ body) is happy to be alive and right away notices that she now has huge boobs, which excites her so much, she has to feel herself up for a little while to get a sense of them. Madeline is happy to be back in the woods of France, but is quite surprised when she is told she is in Kansas, especially since she didn’t know that Kansas existed.

So, after you have been cooped up for 400 years, what is the first thing on your mind? A high school birthday party? That’s what I would have said. The girls crash Chloe’s party, and when everybody sees how skankily they are dressed, people are very excited. Now, I know what you are thinking. What does a slut from the 17th century look like? A dress that shows a bare ankle perhaps? No, our girls are thoroughly with the times. Somewhere between leaving the woods, getting changed, and arriving at the party, they were able to catch The Craft on DVD, because they have the slut-witch look going on perfectly, right down to the knee-high leather boots. Isabella has no interest in Jason, so she blows him off when he wants to talk to Lana. All three of the witches are bored with the party, so they use their magic to transform the party into a bunch of teenagers dancing around in their underwear or with their shirts off. Hey, that’s my idea of a perfect party, but I am not sure that is what I would have thought some women from post-reformation France would have had in mind. I guess when you find yourself 400 years in the future, you take on some of the tastes of the body you inhabit, which explains why they decided on some Gwen Stefani as their anthem.

The aftermath of the party is not so good. The man from Princeton, Mr. Jacobs, came just as the kids were taking their clothes off. I don’t know if the party would have send him away, but surely the sight of Clark dancing gave him an impression to last a lifetime. I am not sure if Mr. Welling was only acting that Clark sucked at dancing, but he would have made Elaine Benes look like Baryshnikov in comparison. Clark understands how important the interview was, so he goes to ask Lex if there is anything he can do about it. Lex is preoccupied with his piano. Isabella’s spell had him playing piano until his fingers bled, literally. Finally, Clark realizes that something has happened, and he must do something about it, but he is not the only one. Jason has seen enough of Isabella, and threatens to burn the book if she doesn’t let Lana back. She attempts to kill Jason, but he is saved when Clark comes in to check on Lana. Now knowing what she is up against, Isabella tells Clark to meet her in the barn at midnight.

In the barn, Isabella, Madeline, and Brianna try a few different ways to kill Clark. They see his abilities and confuse them for magicks, and believe he is a sorcerer. Isabella takes his power and they string him up, but not before removing his shirt. These are really horny witches, you must understand. Madeline claws Clark, who can now bleed, but Isabella says to spare him. She senses he knows about the stones of power, and has even touched one. As they try and get some information from Clark, he refuses to answer, but Isabella senses something else. “This body I inhabit. You desire it. And it has desires for you as well,” she says. With this, she kisses Clark, and his breath gives away the answer against his will, letting them know that the cave is where they want to be. I am sure that this kiss is what inspired Clark to learn the amnesia kiss that he uses on Lois in a couple of those Superman movies.

As the girls leave, Jason enters the barn. Now that Clark saved his life, he is slightly less bitter about losing his job, and lets Clark down. When he fills Clark in on the details, Clark acts almost surprised, wondering how it is possible somebody has inhabited her body. It’s not like it didn’t happen to him just a couple of episodes ago. Clark says they should split up, and sends Jason to the school, knowing that he can’t let Jason in on the secret of the caves. He does learn that Isabella’s power comes from her book, and that it must be destroyed if they are going to get Lana back. Inside the cave, Isabella and her crew are about to do some crazy mojo, with what I don’t know. They need the three stones of power, but only have one, so I don’t know why they aren’t scouring the world for it. Still, I am unsure what Clark thinks he is going to do when he sees the trio. It’s not like his powers are going to magically reappear and he can use his heat vision to burn the book while it is still in Isabella’s hands. Actually, that is exactly what happens. Conveniently, when Isabella touches the stone, Clark gets all his powers back. I am not sure why it happened like that since Margot Kidder has the transference stone, but I guess I can believe that happened. Once the book is burned, everybody is knocked unconscious, and when they wake up, they are all left wondering why they are in a cave and dressed like some pagan prostitutes.

His work done, Clark sleeps late the next morning, knowing that he is going to get hell from his parents. When he is getting some orange juice, his father walks in from cleaning the barn, holds up a lacy red bra, and asks Clark to explain. “It was magic” says Clark, to which Martha says “I am sure it was”, probably thinking he got some play with one of the cheerleaders. The rest of Clark’s explanation sounds phony, and the Kents laugh at the thought of somebody doing a bunch of magical spells. When did they become such skeptics in the universe? They have come to grips with a baby that landed in an alien craft in the middle of a meteor storm, but can’t believe somebody could conjure up a spell to get some kids naked? Later, as Clark is cleaning up the barn he finds a pair of matching red panties and takes perhaps a little bit too long staring at them, when Lana walks in to apologize for her behavior the day before(probably glad it wasn’t her panties Clark had such an interest in), and for accusing Clark of trying to sabotage her relationship. Lex had earlier confessed to blowing the whistle on her relationship, and she told Lex that she is old enough to decide who she wants in and out, of her life.

Clark says he understands that she loves Jason and knows that he did things when they were together that pushed her away. Lana once again makes an effort to reach out to Clark, telling him the whole story of the symbol and how it appeared on her back and how it was on the cave walls. She knows that Clark spends a lot of time in the caves, and knows a lot about what goes on in there. With another chance to come clean to another person about what he knows about the caves, he lies and says he has no idea what the symbol on Lana’s back means.