What’s better than no recap? Intermittent multi-episode recapped recaps! Luckkkkky! J-Unit has his frackin’ hands Sci-Fi fill with Battlestar Galactica (much like Veronica Mars, I may not know what a “Cylon” is, but I sure do frackin’ love me some frack) and Heroes, that I thought since I’m finally all caught up with the worlds of Wisteria Lane and McNamara/Troy, that I could lend a hand to help. J already gave us a Season Premiere recap, so I’m just going to run through a crib sheet version of the last two episodes. This way J can spend more time trying to figure out who the hell the Hearst rapist is on Veronica Mars, I can keep busy on my off days and you can be kept up to date on all things Smallville. Everybody’s a winner here folks!Episode 2, Lex gets kidnapped by the Guy from Dead Man on Campus
Sure, that’s not the actual title of the episode, but it pretty much sums it up. You see, there is much suspicion around Lex in the upper-echelons of society about how he got his Zod powers. Granted they don’t know about Zod, they just think that Lex is a mutant, err, 4400, err Alien. Yeah, that’s it. The question becomes, of course, who sent these coverts on our mini-Daddy Warbucks?
In other Lex news, after the destruction of Metropolis University in the first episode Lana is stuck without a place to live. Why doesn’t she live with Scotty? Oh wait. Scotty doesn’t know! Matt Damon + Lana Lang + EuroTrip = Best. Cameo. Ever. Lex naturally offers Lana a room in his scary Mansion for her to stay until she can find other accommodations. Only problem while the rent at Met U was free, this one comes with a price: 24 hour Peep Show performances. That’s right, Lana is being videotaped and she is… wait for it… wait for it… aghast! Shocking, I know. Don’t worry Lexna fans, Lex simply explains that his la vida loca means that he has to have cameras in the house at all times. This is just the way he lives, and if that means he gets to rub one out while catching a hot houseguest undress every now and then, so be it. Lana can’t help but see the logic in this argument and all is forgiven.
Clark, meanwhile, has caught a cold. Well, not just a cold. A SuperCold. Yes, it’s the manifestation of Superman’s Super Breath. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t mildly tickled by this turn in events. Every time Clark finds one of his new powers I leap with delight. It’s a manly leap, of course, but a leap none the less. Whatever, don’t judge me. Senator Ma Kent thinks that this is all to do with Clark running himself ragged trying to rebuild Metropolis after “Black Thursday.” Where is the NAACP on this one? Black Friday? I mean, come on! I prefer “Asian or Pacific Islander Thursday”; it’s a lot less racially charged. Regardless, Clark has come down with some kind of Kryptonian Avian Flu. To prove this point, Clark sneezes for the very first time in his life and blows the barn door a few miles away. This wouldn’t be all that relevant if it hadn’t almost hit a jogging Lois. Mmm… jogging Lois… anything that accentuates Lois’ body but doesn’t draw attention to her face is just fine by me. This leads to the first true spark of Lois’ future journalistic greatness as she is determined to find out what blew the Kent barn door off. Chloe and Clark try to poo poo her conspiracy theories, but she won’t take no for an answer. Lois being overly tenacious! That is soooo Lois! The Daily Planet doesn’t want the story, but some neighboring rag does! It’s Lois’ first byline.
Completely gratuitous Erica Durance cleavage shot of the week
Clark informs Chloe about his SuperCold, and I’m a little disappointed that she doesn’t use her Omega Computer to Google: “Super” and “Cold” to figure out what the deal is. They do piece together that after Clark’s time in the Phantom Zone, when he didn’t have his powers, he could’ve picked up some Mad Krypton Disease or something.
Of most importance in this episode is the fact that we are introduced to Oliver Queen. I’m going to assume that many of you who read the Smallville recap also have pull-boxes at your local comic shops, thus not needing an explanation of who Ollie is. But for those of you who wouldn’t know an Infinite Crisis if I smacked you in the ass, Oliver Queen, is a billionaire playboy (is there any other kind) who moonlights as the superhero “Green Arrow”. Superhero might be a stretch, since Ollie doesn’t actually have any superpowers, but he knows his way around a bow and arrow and a clever quip. In this carnation, Oliver is an old boarding school classmate of Lex and not a huge fan of the bald baddie. In fact, upon hearing of Lex’s disappearance his father, Lionel heads over to Ollie’s office for a thinly veiled threat in regards to his son’s whereabouts.
A little later on, with the help of Chloe, Clark learns that his cold can be used for the good of mankind, as he needs it to blow open a steel door. This also comes in handy later on as Lana stupidly gets herself captured trying to save Lex from his captors. It seems they don’t believe Lex when he explains that his superpowers have gone the way of the Dodo, even after shooting him. Somehow a fire is caused in the room, allowing the bad guys to flee and leaving Lex and Lana trapped. Luckily, Clark’s new superpower is just the trick to fix up this sticky situation.
In the end, it does seem that Ollie was the one behind the kidnapping of Lex Luther. He meant for there to be no physical harm, but one of his agents went rogue. At this point it remains to be seen whether or not Ollie is a good guy or not, but since Lex grows up to be a maniacal sociopath and Ollie becomes The Emerald Archer, I think he must’ve had some good reason for going all Manchurian Candidate on Lex’s ass.
Episode 3, Green Arrow & Maid Marian
After being introduced to Oliver Queen, who from what the ladies tell me is somewhat of a “hunk”, you just knew he was going to meet up with the luscious Lois Lane for some flirting. And boy are we pleased to see it! As Lois is still working for Senator Ma Kent (is there anything Lois, can’t do???), she answers the door to Oliver, but oh gosh, how embarrassing, thinks he is just a fantastic looking courier. She has no idea he is the one, the only, super rich, Oliver Queen. She tips him a few bucks and send him on this way after accepting his package (an envelope he brought with him). Senator Ma Kent is none too pleased by Lois isolating one of her biggest potential supporters.
But don’t worry there is a Masquerade Ball that Lex is throwing that will be the perfect opportunity for Lois to make amends with Oliver. She heads over to his place and gives him a fruit basket, which is ironic because all Ollie wants, is her melons. He already has a dress for her and kind of demands that she be his date for the ball. Isn’t it sort of creepy that he already has a dress and knows Lois’ size? I mean, when I do that it’s called stalking, just because he’s rich it’s dashing? Sucks for me.
In Freak of the Week news, Chloe and Jimmy Olsen are on a stakeout at Makeout Point (yes, you read that correctly), because they’ve heard of some weird goings-on up there. Like anal? No, like people disappearing. After an awkward first few moments, Chloe acknowledges the elephant in the room, and I’m not just talking about the well-hung Jimmy. She’s talking about the fact that she submitted her V-card to Jimmy a few years ago during a hot and heavy internship program, and she doesn’t want to rush into anything. Jimmy is so mild mannered that he is totally okay with going slow (I don’t think Jimbo goes any other way). He’s even more okay with it when Chloe starts giving him a tongue bath. The impromptu make out is interrupted by some rustling coming from a horny couple that have headed down a path towards a lake for some skinny dipping. People, who’ve clearly never seen Jaws, deserve to die. Chloe drags Jimmy to investigate the scene, much to his dismay. I like Jimmy Olsen a lot. Actually I think I like him more here than I have in the comic books recently. Seems like a nice guy, and I don’t even care if he totally screwed over Veronica Mars in season one. He’s not the Hearst Rapist and that’s all that counts. Sorry, I have Veronica Mars Tourette’s. Chloe and Jimmy find the horny chick impaled on a tree.
Chloe brings this news to Clark, who heads down to join the search party in the woods looking for Tree Girl’s presumably dead paramour. What Clark finds is a flirty Park Ranger and a guy trapped in a cocoon of vines. Jackpot!
The concern here is that when Clark tries to free the poor guy his hands get cut. Uh oh. This must be something in the Alien genus of tree monsters if it has the ability to hurt the Man of Steel. At the hospital it is discovered that seeds have been implanted in the guy’s body. That diagnosis becomes a real problem when the tree growing inside of him explodes out of him and all over the hospital room.
Upon seeing the dead body of the REAL Park Ranger, Clark realizes that he was duped by a faux-Ranger. At this point I’m thinking the faux-Ranger is really Batman villain, Poison Ivy, but I’m wrong. She’s just an alien baddie who escaped from the Phantom Zone when Clark opened the door. Oy, the guilt!
Clark takes quite a beating and Jimmy is also infected by the Tree Monster (trying to prove a point to Chloe, aww) but Chloe (smarty pants!) figures out that electricity can kill the Tree Monster, which Clark does in just enough time to save Lex’s Ball!
Speak of Lex’s balls; he and Lana are having some problems at home. The newspapers have been swarming all over them, dubbing Lana the “New Lex Girl.” Lana ain’t nobody’s trophy, Goose. Sometimes I feel the best way to get my message across is by paraphrasing Grease 2.
Fortunately, Lex and Lana are able to make amends and have sex for the first time. It’s about time, as Lana is quickly becoming the biggest cocktease in the world.
So there you have it, briefly, but the comings and goings of the Smallville elite. What are you thinking about the new season? I’m personally stoked about the Green Arrow and all that implies. I still need a little more evil from Lex, but otherwise I think we’ve got some good stuff going here. Tell me what you think? I’m sure there will be a few more full recaps over the course of the season, but for now these condensed posts will have to do! I hope it’s better than nothing!