They Eat Boyfriends for Breakfast

Last week, when I did my recap of Smallville, I mentioned that we were going to have an appearance by Buffy Summers. Well, it turns out that I was wrong, we were going to have an appearance by Buffy Saunders. The episode was still going to feature vampires, but it looks like the Buffy we were talking about was not going to be slaying any vampires.

Now that summer vacation is over, it’s time to get on with the rest of their lives, which means college for Chloe and Clark. For the rest of them, I guess we are going to have to wait and find out.I have to say, I really do like Chloe. She has found out Clark’s secret and was supportive when he lost his powers and then got them back. She has also learned that her romantic interest in Clark is certainly all but dead, but she has been nothing but supportive in that instance as well. Our girl does know that she has to go on with her life, and it started by going to Metropolis U, and will continue as she follows her own dream, which is to become a reporter for the Daily Planet.

Chloe applied for an internship at the Daily Planet, and she was in an interview with the editor, where Carrie Fisher was giving her best effort as J. Jonah Jamieson, who, as well all know, runs the paper Peter Parker (Spiderman) works for. Basically, Chloe didn’t get the job, but the editor, Pauline Kahn, liked Chloe’s history and her desire. She knows that Chloe already had her own column as a high school student when she was still in the good graces of Lionel Luthor, but was then removed when she was no longer on the good list. As Pauline said, it may be your dream, but you’ll have to wake up sometime. And to make matters worse, they don’t validate parking, which is the worst ever, and something that happens a lot more in this town (Los Angeles) than you think. Still, Chloe doesn’t give up and says that she has to start somewhere. Kahn says that if Chloe finds a story, she’ll think about it again.

Well, if there is one thing that Chloe never has trouble with, it’s finding a story. Still, she’s new at school, and she has no idea where her story will come from. It’s not like the story of a lifetime is just going to pop up and bite her in that plump little ass of hers. We learn that Chloe is actually telling this whole story as a sort of flashback, and she said that she found her story in the Tri-Psi sorority, which she thought stood for bimbos, bikinis, and beer. I wonder if the inspiration for this would be Tri-Delt, or Delta Delta Delta (can I help ya, help ya, help ya?) which stands for – oh, I’m sure you all have heard stories.

The stories about Tri-Psi are a lot different. So let’s paint it out for you. A pizza delivery boy comes to the house, three hot girls in bikinis answer the door, and they ask him to join them in the jacuzzi. All three girls get in the jacuzzi with delivery boy. One on each side of him, and one directly in front of him. She takes a deep breath, takes a dive under the water, and the pizza delivery boy has shit eating grin on his face….right before we hear him scream. And hey, we all hate it when that kind of stuff is going on and some teeth scrape parts of the body with a little more depth than is comfortable, but this is totally different. It turns out that these girls were vampires, and they wanted blood. The one that went down on him was just trying to get some blood traveling away from his neck where her two girlfriends were going to work. Bloody Slutty Sorority, or should that be Slutty Bloody Sorority? Whatever it is, that pizza delivery boy is not going to be counting his tips tonight, and died without the most important one, don’t you think?

So, we know Chloe is adjusting to Metropolis University and Clark is having fun at Central Kansas A&M, but what about Lana? Well, even though she had said at the end of last season that she was going to stay close to him, she applied late to Met U, and she got in. The other Lana was tardy with telling her boyfriend that she was getting ready to leave. Because of the housing crunch, she is going to try sorority life. Although Central Kansas has plenty of housing, the astronomy department is kind of lacking, and that is what Lana wants to do. Besides, they can always talk on the phone, and if things get a little too lonely, there is always the webcam sex. Clark looks like he is about to cry, but this is perhaps the best thing to happen to him. If Lana is far away, she won’t be having sex with him all the time, and although he won’t get to have sex all the time, at least she won’t be asking about his scar. And when they do get together, they will both be so hard up for some action, Lana could possibly forget about the scar. Who cares about the scar when all you are looking for is the DD?

With his girlfriend moving away, Clark can also concentrate on his studies. We’re back in Professor Fine’s history class, where he is talking about ancient Rome. It’s strange how Milton’s lectures seem to be almost directed at Clark, don’t you think? During his words on the tyranny of powerful men, Lex walks in on cue. Fine continues with his lecture, and asks Clark what he thinks about Luthorcorp, and how Lex seems to have control of everything around him. We thought that Clark had turned a corner last week and was ready to kick Lex to the curb, but it’s quite obvious that is a little ways off. Clark is still intimidated when Lex is in the room, but before he has a chance to figure out what to say, he is saved by the bell.

Lex walked into class to have a few words with Fine. He tells Milton that since he gives plenty of money to the school, he has access to certain documents, and tells Professor Fine in some pretty strong terms that he should think twice about all of the research he is doing on Luthorcorp. He wonders if he hired Clark to get all the classified information that seems to be leaking.

While I do think that Professor Fine hired Clark for help in research, I think he knew the secondary effect that it would have with somebody so close to Lex on his staff. Already Lex is fairly agitated, and Fine is not really somebody that you want to mess with, and he’s not one to back down. He goes to the Luthor mansion and gives him something that Lex was looking for, namely all of the information Milton Fine has on Milton Fine. He said that he has nothing to fear, and that Lex would do better off if he realized not everybody was hiding secrets as bad as his. For example, wouldn’t it be awful if people knew that he was using university funds to conduct research for Luthorcorp on campus, which means that none of it would show up on his corporate books?

It may seem that Fine and Lex are pretty cutthroat in their dealings with each other, but let’s face it; it’s nothing like sorority rush. And when it comes to sororities, Tri-Psi is the most exclusive. They are the richest, prettiest, and the best. If you are cool and lucky, you can become a Tri-Psi, and it will change your life. Many girls try, but not all can make it. This wouldn’t be much of an episode if Lana didn’t make it, and although she is happy that she makes it, I don’t think she is quite ready for the initiation. See, she is about to join the hottest vampires (ever!) and to become a vampire, somebody has to suck your blood, and then you drink their blood. This has go to be the scariest sorority initiation since the 1987 masterpiece Blood Sisters.

Lana, Lana, Lana. One of the reasons we can’t stand Lana is that she is always getting herself into these situations. Seriously, why is she always getting possessed and such? We know how her evil slut witch aunt possessed her before, and now some evil slut vampire sororities have made her one of their own. If it turns out that her astronomy class is full of evil slut werewolves, I am going to give up. That is unless they make the episode like one long episode of Thriller. Hey, I think it could work.

The initiation took a lot out of Lana, you know, besides all of the blood. For some reason, she decides she is going to crash in Chloe’s room, and when Chloe gets back, her roommate lets her know she is not happy about it. Chloe’s roommate was also pretty pissed about all of the newspaper articles that Chloe placed on her side of the room and decided to take them down. It was a surprise for everybody when Lana said she was going to join a sorority because we never thought that would be her, but from the looks of it, she is getting the hang of sorority life, at least the getting drunk part. She sleeps all the time and is almost scared to see the sun. In her flashback, Chloe wondered why none of this set off her wierd-dar, but she had to go to class.

Clark makes it to Chloe’s room, and he has been looking for Lana. He has been leaving messages and she hasn’t responded. What’s wrong? “I’m just feeling a little dead,” which while it made me groan, wasn’t the worst of the vampire puns they used that day. Once Clark is in the room for a little bit, Lana gets *really* aggressive and Clark wants to know what’s wrong with her. Doh! Hey Clark, she’s about to apologize, and in all likelihood, it’s in a way that you have been waiting for anyway. Why ask questions and why is he worried that his girlfriend is horny for him? It’s better than if she wasn’t all over him, because maybe that means she was saying hello to more boners than just his. Lana is a little pissed and says that if he is going to be needy and insecure, maybe they need to evaluate the relationship.

You can understand why Clark is worried. He thought everything was fine, but then his girlfriend left for Metropolis and suddenly she doesn’t need him anymore. Clark doesn’t know the half of it. It seems that the girls of Tri-Psi don’t do much more than get drunk and prey on boys every night. He wants to find out what’s going on and Chloe wants to have her story, so they decide that they are going to crash the Halloween party that Tri-Psi is putting on that evening. I was very interested to see what Clark and Chloe was going to wear. I laughed when I saw that Clark was Zorro, and while that was pretty funny, hearing Chloe call him Carlos when she was trying to finagle her way into the door without an invitation was even better. And you know that I loved it when we saw our girl Chloe in her schoolgirl uniform. I have to say that pigtails do a body good.

Pig tails, plaid skirt, and knee socks. HOT!

Once inside, Chloe sees that Lana is dancing fairly close to another college student who is not Clark. Wanting to protect him from a broken heart, Chloe send Clark upstairs to do some research on Buffy Saunders while she tries to straighten out Lana. She interrupts Lana’s little love session and tries to figure out what exactly is going on. Lana insists that she is having fun and decides she is going to do something about Chloe cramping her style. She goes in to take a bite, but before anything happens, she pulls out a cross. The only problem is that this is not the movies, and the cross has no effect on Lana. She digs in deep, and Chloe can barely make a sound, but it’s enough of a sound for Clark to come running and save her before Lana completely kills her. Lana gets out of there, and Clark rushes Chloe to the hospital.

At the hospital, we learn that Chloe is alive, but barely. She has some sort of rabies virus that the doctors have not seen before. She has had blood transfusions, but they don’t seem to help anything. It looks like it is going to take a miracle to save her. If only there was somebody out there that had some sort of knowledge of these vampy vampires and what made them tick. Enter Professor Fine. He takes one look at Chloe’s chart and says that Clark should ask Lex Luthor about project 1138. Clark has no clue how Professor Fine gets all of this information, but we all know how Milton is able to get almost any secret about Luthorcorp at will. At first, we thought that Professor Fine came from the Disciples of Zod spaceship, but it looks like he simply snuck in after the fact. He has the ability to manipulate his body into other forms. We’ve seen the form where he melts and that’s how he goes in to get access to the areas where he is not supposed to be.

During his latest trip inside Luthorcorp, Professor Fine was studying the spaceship when a security guard Lex had hired to follow him caught him. The guard told him to step away from the vehicle, so to speak, but when Milton turns around, he shows us another trick. He can make his body go hard just as quickly as it goes soft, and he uses this ability to kill the guard and get out of the way.

When Lana got away from Clark, she kind of messed up. Part of the reason the slutty vampires can get anybody they want is that they don’t leave anybody alive unless they make them a vampire. Her sisters let her know that she needs to bring Clark back so the rest can feed on him. If she doesn’t bring him back, the girls are going to feed on her. Lana makes her way over to the Luthor mansion. Along with the increased sex drive, the thirst for blood, and the immortality, Lana also received a lot of new clothes, including a bunch of black leather items. Luckily for her, there was one perfectly suited for sneaking around at night and breaking into mansions.

At the Luthor mansion, Clark asked Lex about project 1138. He at first denies that it ever existed, but after Clark says that Chloe and Lana are sick, he spills his guts. Six years ago, Buffy Saunders was trapped in a cave. Luthorcorp helped with a rescue and they discovered that the water was tainted by meteor rocks. The water formed stalactites, and those stalactites affected the bats in the cave. Some people were affected and they started to experience an aversion to light and “adaptive canine teeth,” or fangs as the kids call them these days. There is a serum, and Lex says that there is enough to help Chloe and Lana. He opens up a briefcase, and it turns out that the serum is kept active by kryptonite.

Just as Clark is in this weakened state, Lana breaks in. Clark isn’t able to stop her, and she feeds on his blood and takes him back to her sorority house where her sisters admire the corn-fed Kansas beefcake. Suddenly, Lana doesn’t really want to share Clark and she begins to wonder if it wouldn’t be a better idea if they could just make Clark one of them.

Buffy is not having any of this talk. She created this skank vampire sorority and they weren’t about to go coed and ruin their slumber parties and fight over a boy. Instead, Buffy punches Lana in the face. Yes! Cat fight! I mean bat fight! It was good, but short lived. Buffy punched Lana, and Lana incinerated Buffy with her heat vision. Yes, with Clark’s blood comes his powers. The other girls scatter, and it gives Lana some time to tend to Clark. The rabies virus is still affecting him, and now that Lana feels the power of Krypton plus the power of the undead, she wants to share it with Clark. Or as she said it “I felt your strength and I want you to feel mine.” Before Lana can sire Clark, he pulls out a syringe of the serum he was able to grab from Lex’s mansion and stabs Lana directly in the chest, but that’s OK, because that is how the serum is supposed to be administered. Now that his sire (siress?) was cured, Clark was also free from the vampire spell.

After her experience with in the sorority, you could imagine that Lana would try and find some sort of different living arrangements, so it was very convenient that Chloe’s roommate was so mortified by the events happening on campus that she decided to leave. Chloe and Lana became roommates, and Lana and Clark were able to work out any of the differences they had as well. In fact, the experience Lana had when she was a vampire (sucking Clark’s blood and gaining some of his abilities) seems to have made her even closer to Clark.

As for Clark, he is happy that Lex helped him out with the details of project 1138, but he wants to know why Lex has been doing experiments like that, or at least why he was trying to hide it from him. Lex had some cautionary words for Clark as well, all centered around Professor Fine. He warned Clark that he may not be such a great friend. All of this tells me that eventually, Lex and Clark will work together to stop Professor Fine, but we’ll probably wait until he reveals himself as Braniac.

Finally, there is Chloe. Her story wasn’t worth printing, because the Daily Planet is not a tabloid, but it did show the editor that she knows what she is doing, and Chloe got her dream job. Hey, sure her office was a desk in the basement, but you have to start somewhere.

With vampires and a Buffy, you know I liked this episode. It also managed to move the plot along quite nicely. The only bad thing is that it looks like they are setting up Chloe for the big fall, also known as the death of somebody Clark loves. But it looks like the producers are going to keep our mind off of things like that as next week we get Lois pretending to be a stripper. I wonder if Erica Durance has a sister….