Snooki & JWoww Recap: With Friends Like These

Snooki & JWoww

By SuburBint | Friday, July 27, 2012 | 11:00 am | 12 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Recaps, Snooki & JWoww

Snooki is excited because now she can finally smush Jionni. Jionni’s stomach has other ideas however, as Jionni decides that he needs to cook two more burgers right now. He does have the courtesy to ask Snooki if she wants anything. “I want to fucking cuddle,” she whines, and Jionni promises that they will cuddle, but he needs to eat first. Snooki interviews that “usually when you are pregnant, you want nothing to do with sex, but I’m starting to get my sex drive back!” The second trimester can be pretty insane, and that is all I am going to say about that.

Out on the patio, Paul Bunyan asks Jionni, “Do you know what I want right now? More than anything?” “Vagina?” Jionni answers. No, PB wants a rematch of Jionni trying to kick his hand at head height. “I’m not drunk, it’s not going to happen,” Jionni tells him. He then asks if PB thinks that he can kick Jionni in the head. “Are you giving me permission to kick you in your head?” Paul Bunyan asks, in an excited and hopeful tone. Jionni doesn’t think that PB will be able to do it, because he is so muscle-bound that he probably doesn’t have the flexibility needed to swing his leg up that high. “Go ahead, kick me in my hand,” Jionni says, but PB wants a shot at Jionni’s head or nothing. Jionni tells us that he realizes that if PB kicks him in the head, he could be in some serious trouble.

 “I’m gonna break this kid like a twig, you know what I mean?” Paul Bunyan interviews. He kicks Jionni, and although he misses Jionni’s head, he does make good contact with Jionni’s shoulder. “Can I go again?” PB asks. “No! Are you out of your mind?!” is Jionni’s response. They’re both laughing, but Jionni interviews that if PB had hit him in the head, there was a good chance that he wasn’t getting up again.

Snooki wanders outside to see if her fiance is ready to come to bed, but he is still grilling his hamburgers. “I am so over smushing with Jionni,” she tells us. “I’ve been waiting this whole night, and fuck it, like, now we won’t even cuddle.” She retrieves her stuffed crocodile from a strap in the ceiling above her bed and crawls under the covers.

The boys come inside, and go to their respective special lady friends. Paul Bunyan takes his shirt off and lies down on the bed, and:

Do you see the gun in his waistband? This is a terrible idea for so very many reasons.

PB starts getting a little grope-y with JMomm, and she tells him to stop. “I just want to snuggle,” she says. Jenni, you’re doing it wrong. You aren’t supposed to start saying no to sex until afteryou’re already married. If you would put out more, you would be engaged by now. Case in point, Snooki and Jionni, who are pulling the blankets over their heads so that they can get busy with as much privacy as can be achieved when you have night-vision cameras in your bedroom. “When me and Jionni smush, it’s not like sex. It’s like, we’re in love, and it’s very passionate, it’s not like random rabbit sex. It’s like REAL sex.” On the other hand, we have poor Paul Bunyan, who tells us, “Yet another night for me of not getting laid.”

His ox is blue, and so are his balls.

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About

After giving birth to her fourth child, SuburBint carefully weighed the options and decided that recapping reality TV was probably a better choice in the long run than alcoholism. Liver function tests have yet to confirm the wisdom of this decision. Being an honest-to-goodness recapper is also a dream come true, as she has aspired to do this ever since discovering that such a thing existed way back in 2002.

Her favorite shows of all time include Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Coupling, Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, Firefly, Community, Parks and Recreation, Doctor Who, and Veronica Mars. She can also quote The Big Lebowski in its entirety, and will do so with little to no provocation.

 

12 Comments

  1. 1
    WishICouldDance
    Posted July 27, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    Oh no!!! Another sign of the apocalypse – Pauly and Ronnie are saying rational, logical and responsible things that I AGREE WITH to Snooki!!!!

    Obviously, we both missed something in regards to those paintings. I think they fall more into the “Dogs Playing Poker” genre myself!

    Thanks for another great recap. I do look forward to them! And, remembering your comments re: Snooki, I think you were dead on. Sober Snooki is a bit different from JS Snooki.

  2. 2
    ScurvyJoe
    Posted July 27, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    The “gun” is a tattoo. Great recap though!

  3. 3
    caligal
    Posted July 27, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    Only in Snooki’s world does wearing animal print mean you are an animal lover. Somewhere, PETA is banging it’s head against a very hard wall., ala Mike.

    Thanks for the recaps. I always miss the show, but never a recap! :)

  4. 4
    SuburBint
    Posted July 27, 2012 at 4:28 pm

    @ ScurvyJoe — Is it a tattoo? I would certainly feel better if it is; drunkenness and handguns do not mix. I’m married to a cop and am as comfortable around firearms as I’m ever going to be, which is mostly not comfortable at all unless I know for a fact that the person carrying is trained in how to use it and is extremely responsible with it, and even then I’m happier not knowing if someone is armed. I don’t see the appeal of getting a tattoo like that, but it’s way better than the alternative.

  5. 5
    BedHeadJen
    Posted July 28, 2012 at 12:44 am

    I feel like I need a shower after reading this. Thanks SB! You are a brave one.
    Almost as brave as that poor stuffed crocodile on Snooki’s wall. Someone needs to send that thing to a medical research facility so we can cure AIDS, Cancer, Herpes Simplex, UTI’s and Eczema, all at one time.

    If Roger wants Jenni to give it up, he may want to stop bragging about his reign as 4 time chlamydia champ in the thumb dick-lympics. His accomplishment did seem to charm the pants right up Snook.I.Joe’s crack though. Ugg.

    From the pictures, I get a weird vibe from JDad. I can’t decide if he was once a JMom, or if he is a hand puppet away from being Mr. Garrison. Either way, I totally understand that we all need to feel pretty sometimes.

  6. 6
    WishICouldDance
    Posted July 28, 2012 at 5:16 am

    Oh Lord!!! BedHeadJen!!! I had just taken a sip of coffee when I got to the, “a hand puppet away from being Mr. Garrison” bit – coffee went everywhere and I almost died laughing!!! LOVE IT!!! That just MADE my morning! Thank you for sharing.

  7. 7
    BedHeadJen
    Posted July 28, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    WishICouldDance- :)

  8. 8
    SuburBint
    Posted July 28, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    @ BedHeadJen — So many excellent points you raised, where to begin?!

    I agree, that poor crocodile must be crawling with gonnorrherpesyphilaids. It should be burned, like the toy in The Velvetine Rabbit.

    Roger was absolutely being inappropriate, but I have a feeling that it doesn’t take much for JMomm to decide that he must be punished by witholding sex. Although maybe if they had sex more, they would get along better? All those bonding hormones released during orgasm can work wonders in a troubled relationship.

    DaddyJ gives off major weirdo vibes. I’m guessing he did not let the 70′s pass him by, but engaged wholeheartedly in whatever uppers and downers came his way. Looks like he preferred the downers, though. “A hand puppet away from Mr. Garrison” is the sentence of the day; I’ll have to share it with the EldestBintlet, she is going through a major South Park phase right now and will get a huge kick out of it.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts, they were all spot-on and hilarious!

    <3

  9. 9
    BedHeadJen
    Posted July 29, 2012 at 10:46 am

    SuburBint, Ha ha ha! I bet the dreaded gonnorrherpesyphilaids is behind the disappearance of Snooki’s bunny suit! Thanks for the laughs!

  10. 10
    Tmurda
    Posted July 31, 2012 at 11:17 pm

    This….is….so….boring. Not ur recap, the show. Your recaps rule. This show is a yawnfest. I could not care any less about these people.

  11. 11
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted August 1, 2012 at 6:55 am

    Finally got around to your phab ‘cap of a completely unscripted, gen-you-ine reality show. Yup.every apartment when I was single was as cool as theirs started out to be, so natch I would cover it in animal prints and paeans to my ego.

    J-Dadd is totes more feminine than J-Momm. Makes me wonder if he started out as J-momm’s mom???? Have we seen her?

  12. 12
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted August 25, 2012 at 7:17 pm

    Snooki’s in labor!

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