Snooki & JWoww Recap: With Friends Like These

Snooki & JWoww

By SuburBint | Friday, July 27, 2012 | 11:00 am | 12 Comments
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Posted in: Recaps, Snooki & JWoww

Everyone is finished eating, so they begin clearing the table for dessert. “This is what you could have had, baby,” Vinny says, rubbing his nipple with one hand and balancing a stack of salad bowls in the other. “I clean. And I work.” “So does Jionni!” Snooki protests, and Vinny asks where. “On your vagina,” Ronnie suggests. Snooki finds this answer amusing. It’s funny because it’s true!

JMomm tells her guests to put the dishes on the counter, and Snooki goes to retrieve the cake from the top of the fridge. “I’m not even excited to tell the roommates I’m pregnant because of the reaction I got saying I’m engaged,” she tells us. No reason why they couldn’t have found out in the supermarket checkout line like the rest of America, Snooks. All you have to do is “accidentally” drop the cake box on the floor, and kick their rude-ass asses out to go get some gelato.

“It is dessert time, and Nicole looks like a fucking bag of shaking bones,” JMomm interviews. “I have never seen Nicole this kind of nervous.”

Being the empathetic, altruistic person that she is, JMomm is naturally loving every second of Snooki’s inner turmoil.

Snooki carries the cake to the table and sets it carefully on a cake stand so that the roommates have to make an effort to see what is written on the top. “By. The. Way. I’m. Pregnant.” Vinny slowly reads out loud. “Hold on a second: you’re knocked up?” Pauly asks, and when Snooki confirms that she is indeed in the family way, the roommates are stunned into silence. Snooki starts digging around in her bra, and Pauly lets out an alarmed, “What else are you hiding?!” A fair question, buddy, but all she’s doing is retrieving her ultrasound pictures from their secure hiding place.

This may very well be the worst night of Vinny’s life.

As Vinny looks at the ultrasound picture, he cracks, “Oh my God, he looks just like me!” meeting with a reproving, “Vinny!” from all of the girls. “I did not have sex with Nicole four months ago,” Vinny tells us. “I don’t think.” Back at the table, he is counting backwards on his fingers, presumably trying to keep the joke alive that he is worried about being the father of Snooki’s baby. “Aw, fuck!” he exclaims, bolting from the table. “It’s not yours!” several of the girls yell together, making me wonder how many times they’ve had this reaction from various men in their pasts. “DNA test, bro!” Pauly says as Vinny sits back down.”Oh my God, it looks like a little meatball!” Deena exclaims as she examines the ultrasound pictures. “My Meatball’s engaged and she’s freaking getting pregnant over here,” Deena tells us. “What the hell is going on?” Many of us have asked ourselves the exact same thing, Deena. “Now I feel like the only meatball I have left is the one on my plate.”

There it is! I had forgotten how much I love her “I’m so proud because I just said something amazingly clever” face.

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About

After giving birth to her fourth child, SuburBint carefully weighed the options and decided that recapping reality TV was probably a better choice in the long run than alcoholism. Liver function tests have yet to confirm the wisdom of this decision. Being an honest-to-goodness recapper is also a dream come true, as she has aspired to do this ever since discovering that such a thing existed way back in 2002.

Her favorite shows of all time include Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Coupling, Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, Firefly, Community, Parks and Recreation, Doctor Who, and Veronica Mars. She can also quote The Big Lebowski in its entirety, and will do so with little to no provocation.

 

12 Comments

  1. 1
    WishICouldDance
    Posted July 27, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    Oh no!!! Another sign of the apocalypse – Pauly and Ronnie are saying rational, logical and responsible things that I AGREE WITH to Snooki!!!!

    Obviously, we both missed something in regards to those paintings. I think they fall more into the “Dogs Playing Poker” genre myself!

    Thanks for another great recap. I do look forward to them! And, remembering your comments re: Snooki, I think you were dead on. Sober Snooki is a bit different from JS Snooki.

  2. 2
    ScurvyJoe
    Posted July 27, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    The “gun” is a tattoo. Great recap though!

  3. 3
    caligal
    Posted July 27, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    Only in Snooki’s world does wearing animal print mean you are an animal lover. Somewhere, PETA is banging it’s head against a very hard wall., ala Mike.

    Thanks for the recaps. I always miss the show, but never a recap! :)

  4. 4
    SuburBint
    Posted July 27, 2012 at 4:28 pm

    @ ScurvyJoe — Is it a tattoo? I would certainly feel better if it is; drunkenness and handguns do not mix. I’m married to a cop and am as comfortable around firearms as I’m ever going to be, which is mostly not comfortable at all unless I know for a fact that the person carrying is trained in how to use it and is extremely responsible with it, and even then I’m happier not knowing if someone is armed. I don’t see the appeal of getting a tattoo like that, but it’s way better than the alternative.

  5. 5
    BedHeadJen
    Posted July 28, 2012 at 12:44 am

    I feel like I need a shower after reading this. Thanks SB! You are a brave one.
    Almost as brave as that poor stuffed crocodile on Snooki’s wall. Someone needs to send that thing to a medical research facility so we can cure AIDS, Cancer, Herpes Simplex, UTI’s and Eczema, all at one time.

    If Roger wants Jenni to give it up, he may want to stop bragging about his reign as 4 time chlamydia champ in the thumb dick-lympics. His accomplishment did seem to charm the pants right up Snook.I.Joe’s crack though. Ugg.

    From the pictures, I get a weird vibe from JDad. I can’t decide if he was once a JMom, or if he is a hand puppet away from being Mr. Garrison. Either way, I totally understand that we all need to feel pretty sometimes.

  6. 6
    WishICouldDance
    Posted July 28, 2012 at 5:16 am

    Oh Lord!!! BedHeadJen!!! I had just taken a sip of coffee when I got to the, “a hand puppet away from being Mr. Garrison” bit – coffee went everywhere and I almost died laughing!!! LOVE IT!!! That just MADE my morning! Thank you for sharing.

  7. 7
    BedHeadJen
    Posted July 28, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    WishICouldDance- :)

  8. 8
    SuburBint
    Posted July 28, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    @ BedHeadJen — So many excellent points you raised, where to begin?!

    I agree, that poor crocodile must be crawling with gonnorrherpesyphilaids. It should be burned, like the toy in The Velvetine Rabbit.

    Roger was absolutely being inappropriate, but I have a feeling that it doesn’t take much for JMomm to decide that he must be punished by witholding sex. Although maybe if they had sex more, they would get along better? All those bonding hormones released during orgasm can work wonders in a troubled relationship.

    DaddyJ gives off major weirdo vibes. I’m guessing he did not let the 70′s pass him by, but engaged wholeheartedly in whatever uppers and downers came his way. Looks like he preferred the downers, though. “A hand puppet away from Mr. Garrison” is the sentence of the day; I’ll have to share it with the EldestBintlet, she is going through a major South Park phase right now and will get a huge kick out of it.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts, they were all spot-on and hilarious!

    <3

  9. 9
    BedHeadJen
    Posted July 29, 2012 at 10:46 am

    SuburBint, Ha ha ha! I bet the dreaded gonnorrherpesyphilaids is behind the disappearance of Snooki’s bunny suit! Thanks for the laughs!

  10. 10
    Tmurda
    Posted July 31, 2012 at 11:17 pm

    This….is….so….boring. Not ur recap, the show. Your recaps rule. This show is a yawnfest. I could not care any less about these people.

  11. 11
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted August 1, 2012 at 6:55 am

    Finally got around to your phab ‘cap of a completely unscripted, gen-you-ine reality show. Yup.every apartment when I was single was as cool as theirs started out to be, so natch I would cover it in animal prints and paeans to my ego.

    J-Dadd is totes more feminine than J-Momm. Makes me wonder if he started out as J-momm’s mom???? Have we seen her?

  12. 12
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted August 25, 2012 at 7:17 pm

    Snooki’s in labor!

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