Snooki & JWoww Recap: With Friends Like These

Snooki & JWoww

By SuburBint | Friday, July 27, 2012 | 11:00 am | 12 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Recaps, Snooki & JWoww

Brian the Handyman arrives, and Snooki tells us, “We love Brian. Not so much Anthony.”

JMomm is in full agreement.

As Brian the Handyman hangs crazy animal print fabric on the walls, he comments that it looks like they are hunters who have killed and skinned every animal known to man. “We’re animal lovers,” Snooki says. I don’t think a penchant for animal prints indicates a love of animals per se, but it’s Snooki so I’m just going to roll with it.

The doorbell rings, and it is Anthony the Handyman, here to collect his wages. “I’m not answering!” Snooki tells JMomm, and tells her to answer it. “I’m scared!” Snooki whimpers. In an interview, she says, “I just think Anthony is really creepy, because he wants his money…” and then she lets out a window-shaking belch. No judgment here, when I was pregnant I belched continually thanks to hormonally-driven heartburn. Let it out, girlfriend! “…but he just made a mess of everything.” As I recall, they didn’t provide him with any materials with which to hang their huge, heavy lengths of fabric everywhere, so he probably did the best job he could with the situation in front of him. Also, wanting to be paid for one’s work is fairly normal in my experience.

Anthony the Handyman comes up the stairs to the kitchen carrying a manilla envelope. “What’s that?” JMomm asks, in a tone which suggests that she wouldn’t be entirely surprised if the envelope were to contain a severed finger.

Or a toe.

It is nothing so disturbing, however, it is merely the invoice for the work he did. He never filled it out, though, so he asks the girls if they have a pen. Neither of them do, so Anthony the Handyman begins searching through his many coat pockets for one. He finds a lollipop and tosses it on the counter saying, “Here, you want a lollipop?” JMomm nervously demures, and tells us, “He just went one up on the freak scale.” Okay, so lessons learned today: wanting to get paid for your work makes you creepy, and lollipops = freak.

JMomm finally asks Brian the Handyman if he has a pen, and of course he does because Brian is the shining knight in this scenario. “Anthony, the handyman that sucked, is watching the savior fix his shit,” she interviews. “I love this. It’s so awkward.” Things never would have become awkward if you hadn’t asked Anthony the Handyman to tell you a story about sex gone wrong in the first place, but we should all know by now that expecting our girls to take personal responsibility for anything is pointless. Anthony the Handyman leaves, taking his creepy, payment-seeking ways and his super filthy sex story with him.

Goodbye, Anthony the Handyman. We hardly knew you, thanks to 75% of everything you said being bleeped out, and I’m okay with that.

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About

After giving birth to her fourth child, SuburBint carefully weighed the options and decided that recapping reality TV was probably a better choice in the long run than alcoholism. Liver function tests have yet to confirm the wisdom of this decision. Being an honest-to-goodness recapper is also a dream come true, as she has aspired to do this ever since discovering that such a thing existed way back in 2002.

Her favorite shows of all time include Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Coupling, Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, Firefly, Community, Parks and Recreation, Doctor Who, and Veronica Mars. She can also quote The Big Lebowski in its entirety, and will do so with little to no provocation.

 

12 Comments

  1. 1
    WishICouldDance
    Posted July 27, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    Oh no!!! Another sign of the apocalypse – Pauly and Ronnie are saying rational, logical and responsible things that I AGREE WITH to Snooki!!!!

    Obviously, we both missed something in regards to those paintings. I think they fall more into the “Dogs Playing Poker” genre myself!

    Thanks for another great recap. I do look forward to them! And, remembering your comments re: Snooki, I think you were dead on. Sober Snooki is a bit different from JS Snooki.

  2. 2
    ScurvyJoe
    Posted July 27, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    The “gun” is a tattoo. Great recap though!

  3. 3
    caligal
    Posted July 27, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    Only in Snooki’s world does wearing animal print mean you are an animal lover. Somewhere, PETA is banging it’s head against a very hard wall., ala Mike.

    Thanks for the recaps. I always miss the show, but never a recap! :)

  4. 4
    SuburBint
    Posted July 27, 2012 at 4:28 pm

    @ ScurvyJoe — Is it a tattoo? I would certainly feel better if it is; drunkenness and handguns do not mix. I’m married to a cop and am as comfortable around firearms as I’m ever going to be, which is mostly not comfortable at all unless I know for a fact that the person carrying is trained in how to use it and is extremely responsible with it, and even then I’m happier not knowing if someone is armed. I don’t see the appeal of getting a tattoo like that, but it’s way better than the alternative.

  5. 5
    BedHeadJen
    Posted July 28, 2012 at 12:44 am

    I feel like I need a shower after reading this. Thanks SB! You are a brave one.
    Almost as brave as that poor stuffed crocodile on Snooki’s wall. Someone needs to send that thing to a medical research facility so we can cure AIDS, Cancer, Herpes Simplex, UTI’s and Eczema, all at one time.

    If Roger wants Jenni to give it up, he may want to stop bragging about his reign as 4 time chlamydia champ in the thumb dick-lympics. His accomplishment did seem to charm the pants right up Snook.I.Joe’s crack though. Ugg.

    From the pictures, I get a weird vibe from JDad. I can’t decide if he was once a JMom, or if he is a hand puppet away from being Mr. Garrison. Either way, I totally understand that we all need to feel pretty sometimes.

  6. 6
    WishICouldDance
    Posted July 28, 2012 at 5:16 am

    Oh Lord!!! BedHeadJen!!! I had just taken a sip of coffee when I got to the, “a hand puppet away from being Mr. Garrison” bit – coffee went everywhere and I almost died laughing!!! LOVE IT!!! That just MADE my morning! Thank you for sharing.

  7. 7
    BedHeadJen
    Posted July 28, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    WishICouldDance- :)

  8. 8
    SuburBint
    Posted July 28, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    @ BedHeadJen — So many excellent points you raised, where to begin?!

    I agree, that poor crocodile must be crawling with gonnorrherpesyphilaids. It should be burned, like the toy in The Velvetine Rabbit.

    Roger was absolutely being inappropriate, but I have a feeling that it doesn’t take much for JMomm to decide that he must be punished by witholding sex. Although maybe if they had sex more, they would get along better? All those bonding hormones released during orgasm can work wonders in a troubled relationship.

    DaddyJ gives off major weirdo vibes. I’m guessing he did not let the 70′s pass him by, but engaged wholeheartedly in whatever uppers and downers came his way. Looks like he preferred the downers, though. “A hand puppet away from Mr. Garrison” is the sentence of the day; I’ll have to share it with the EldestBintlet, she is going through a major South Park phase right now and will get a huge kick out of it.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts, they were all spot-on and hilarious!

    <3

  9. 9
    BedHeadJen
    Posted July 29, 2012 at 10:46 am

    SuburBint, Ha ha ha! I bet the dreaded gonnorrherpesyphilaids is behind the disappearance of Snooki’s bunny suit! Thanks for the laughs!

  10. 10
    Tmurda
    Posted July 31, 2012 at 11:17 pm

    This….is….so….boring. Not ur recap, the show. Your recaps rule. This show is a yawnfest. I could not care any less about these people.

  11. 11
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted August 1, 2012 at 6:55 am

    Finally got around to your phab ‘cap of a completely unscripted, gen-you-ine reality show. Yup.every apartment when I was single was as cool as theirs started out to be, so natch I would cover it in animal prints and paeans to my ego.

    J-Dadd is totes more feminine than J-Momm. Makes me wonder if he started out as J-momm’s mom???? Have we seen her?

  12. 12
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted August 25, 2012 at 7:17 pm

    Snooki’s in labor!

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