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Friday, July 27, 2012
11:00 am
12 Comments
Tagged: don't stop putting out until after the honeymoon, funny, gay Joeys are the best Joeys, horrorporn, jersey shore, Kegels are important, misplaced machismo, MTV, never assemble a barbecue grill with a loved one, parody, recap, Snooki & JWOWW, sober Snooki sulks, suburbint, the miracle of childbirth, TV, tvgasm
Paul Bunyan laughs, “Nothing makes me happier than when you get hurt.” “Son of a…” Jionni moans, “I just bought these socks!”
The doorbell rings, and JMomm goes to answer it. It is Nick the Painter, with the completed portraits of our heroines. The girls are super excited, and Nick apologizes for the delay, but according to the editing they only just met with him what, 48 to 72 hours ago? Doesn’t it take longer than that to paint a big-ass portrait? Seriously, if anybody is a painter, let me know. Anyway, Snooki and JMomm squeal with delight when they see the finished paintings.
Work of “art” A
Work of “art” B
“These paintings, I feel, are gonna just make the whole apartment, and it just looks so Scarface and so dope. It’s gonna make the place look amazing,” Snooki interviews. I’m going to have to watch Scarfaceagain, because I really don’t remember tacky, self-glorifying paintings being a huge theme in that film.
It really ties the room together.
“This… this is perfect!” JMomm gushes. They thank Nick and he tells them to have a great night.
As exterior shots of the house are shown, a horrifically auto-tuned song plays about being “ready to lose control tonight.” Be ready for it people, in 40 years this song will be playing on a Depends commercial. Paul Bunyan shouts that he found a hobo on the street and JMomm’s dad ascends into the living room, carrying a huge package of what could be either toilet paper or paper towels. Next time I have a dinner party and people ask if they can bring anything, I think I’ll tell them to bring toilet paper and see where things go from there.
“My dad’s here first, I knew he would be ‘cos he would leave twelve hours early,” JMomm tells us. Give the guy a break, hitchhiking is not the fastest way to travel.
Something about JMomm’s dad screams “homeless librarian” to me. Also, I’m pretty sure this man has smoked more marijuana in his lifetime than the entire state of California goes through in a year.
People start arriving en masse, including Snooki’s parents and Snooki’s friend Ryder. But by far the most interesting guests are the Gay Joeys. “Jenni’s Joey is such a bitch and I love it,” Snooki says, and JMomm explains, “Nicole’s Joey looks like a very big tough guy, until he opens his mouth and rainbows come out.” We then cut to Joey #2 saying, “I heard you say ‘creamy Italian.’ That was my nickname in college.” He is absolutely adorable. Snooki tells us that every girl should have a gay friend named Joey, because every guy named Joey who is gay is fucking amazing.
This is the last we see of Gay Joey #1, so enjoy it while it lasts.
Gay Joey #2, however, is about to dominate this party. And not in a kinky way.
People are drinking, burgers are cooking on the grill, and inside the house Joey #2 leans over to sniff Paul Bunyan’s neck. “Why are you sniffing me?” PB asks, and Joey #2 looks away, the picture of innocence. “Why is that guy sniffing me?” Paul Bunyan asks the room.
12 Comments
Oh no!!! Another sign of the apocalypse – Pauly and Ronnie are saying rational, logical and responsible things that I AGREE WITH to Snooki!!!!
Obviously, we both missed something in regards to those paintings. I think they fall more into the “Dogs Playing Poker” genre myself!
Thanks for another great recap. I do look forward to them! And, remembering your comments re: Snooki, I think you were dead on. Sober Snooki is a bit different from JS Snooki.
The “gun” is a tattoo. Great recap though!
Only in Snooki’s world does wearing animal print mean you are an animal lover. Somewhere, PETA is banging it’s head against a very hard wall., ala Mike.
Thanks for the recaps. I always miss the show, but never a recap!
@ ScurvyJoe — Is it a tattoo? I would certainly feel better if it is; drunkenness and handguns do not mix. I’m married to a cop and am as comfortable around firearms as I’m ever going to be, which is mostly not comfortable at all unless I know for a fact that the person carrying is trained in how to use it and is extremely responsible with it, and even then I’m happier not knowing if someone is armed. I don’t see the appeal of getting a tattoo like that, but it’s way better than the alternative.
I feel like I need a shower after reading this. Thanks SB! You are a brave one.
Almost as brave as that poor stuffed crocodile on Snooki’s wall. Someone needs to send that thing to a medical research facility so we can cure AIDS, Cancer, Herpes Simplex, UTI’s and Eczema, all at one time.
If Roger wants Jenni to give it up, he may want to stop bragging about his reign as 4 time chlamydia champ in the thumb dick-lympics. His accomplishment did seem to charm the pants right up Snook.I.Joe’s crack though. Ugg.
From the pictures, I get a weird vibe from JDad. I can’t decide if he was once a JMom, or if he is a hand puppet away from being Mr. Garrison. Either way, I totally understand that we all need to feel pretty sometimes.
Oh Lord!!! BedHeadJen!!! I had just taken a sip of coffee when I got to the, “a hand puppet away from being Mr. Garrison” bit – coffee went everywhere and I almost died laughing!!! LOVE IT!!! That just MADE my morning! Thank you for sharing.
WishICouldDance-
@ BedHeadJen — So many excellent points you raised, where to begin?!
I agree, that poor crocodile must be crawling with gonnorrherpesyphilaids. It should be burned, like the toy in The Velvetine Rabbit.
Roger was absolutely being inappropriate, but I have a feeling that it doesn’t take much for JMomm to decide that he must be punished by witholding sex. Although maybe if they had sex more, they would get along better? All those bonding hormones released during orgasm can work wonders in a troubled relationship.
DaddyJ gives off major weirdo vibes. I’m guessing he did not let the 70′s pass him by, but engaged wholeheartedly in whatever uppers and downers came his way. Looks like he preferred the downers, though. “A hand puppet away from Mr. Garrison” is the sentence of the day; I’ll have to share it with the EldestBintlet, she is going through a major South Park phase right now and will get a huge kick out of it.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, they were all spot-on and hilarious!
<3
SuburBint, Ha ha ha! I bet the dreaded gonnorrherpesyphilaids is behind the disappearance of Snooki’s bunny suit! Thanks for the laughs!
This….is….so….boring. Not ur recap, the show. Your recaps rule. This show is a yawnfest. I could not care any less about these people.
Finally got around to your phab ‘cap of a completely unscripted, gen-you-ine reality show. Yup.every apartment when I was single was as cool as theirs started out to be, so natch I would cover it in animal prints and paeans to my ego.
J-Dadd is totes more feminine than J-Momm. Makes me wonder if he started out as J-momm’s mom???? Have we seen her?
Snooki’s in labor!