So Many Douches, So Little Time

Soo, we start off with Alice posing in an American flag bikini with sparklers. Um, has she resorted to amateur porn? Oh wait, I forget that really attractive people sometimes pose for calendars that less attractive people can buy.

Proud to be an American. A hot American that is.

Savy is dressed up in red lingerie and I can only guess that it’s for a slutty Valentine’s Day theme. She looks good though, but I bet the Mouse isn’t happy that one of his children has strayed and is now on a TV show about hot cheerleaders. Nah, he’s probably too busy with Miley to really care.

“hehe, fuck you Mickey!”

Oh wait, forget the girls, it’s Lewis’ turn to pose and boy does he look hot! But I must ask, isn’t a cheerleader calendar going to be marketed towards guys? How many guys that don’t like guys are going to want to see Lewis all shirtless and shiny? Whatever, I should shut my mouth. Do what you gotta do to get him topless writers!

Mmmmmmmmmm.

Marti shows up in a judge’s gown type of thing and says it’s for October. I have no idea why and she explains it but I’m still like, “what?” Alice makes fun because it’s not a sexy outfit and I agree with her. However, when Marti goes up to pose…

It’s very hot.

Coach and her hot doctor fiancé are eating at Mama’s diner/bar thingy and she brings them champagne on the house. I need friends who bring me free booze. Mama then tells them that she’s getting into party planning and wants to plan their wedding. Um, poor Coach looks for an easy way to let her down. Just say no, Coach, just say no.

Savy goes back to her crazy Christian home to find her little sister eating junk food. She isn’t pleased because it’s bad for the baby, she also brought her that “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” book. Charlotte also hasn’t been to the doctor, because he would blab to her crazy mom.

Marti, Morgan and Julian (aka Teach) meet up to discuss the case. I keep forgetting about this storyline, mainly because it’s like NCIS showed up and told the cheerleaders to go tumble. But anywho, their next move is to figure out how Bill Marsh and Bobby Overton (aka fat car salesman) are connected to the crime and to each other.

Savy shows up to Mama’s diner/bar thingy to see how the set up is coming. She has that baby book in her bag and Mama sees it. She freaks out that Savy is preggers but when Savy tells her that it’s for a friend she thinks it’s Marti. She asks who the baby daddy is and runs down the list of Marti’s boys. Savy shuts her up and tells her it’s for her sister. Mama tells her to tell her mom because her sister is going to need her.

Jake (ya know, Alice’s semi-cute boyfriend) is obsessing over the draft. Alice wants to know why he didn’t put in a bid or whatever, and he tells her. It’s quite shocking that he would share any information like this with her, guess he trusts her. He tells her that Bill Marsh is blackmailing him and won’t let him declare for the draft. Alice is not too happy about this. Uh oh…

Okay, the next shot is booty cheeks and 3OH!3 so, this can’t be good. I mean, I enjoy 3OH!3 when I’m drunk but never in real life. They are the entertainment for the calendar launch party. Ouch, that sucks for them. They’re singing that song about first kisses and taking over Kesha’s part is Savy, complete with autotune and slutty lingerie. I try to forget that Ashley Tisdale used to “sing”.

And now I remember why..

Okay, I’ll admit that I don’t really hate 3OH!3, but the guys in this “band” just look so dirty and douchey. It’s gross.

Especially this one.

Darwin is looking hot passing out calendars in what’s got to be the only sexy leprechaun outfit ever made. However, Marti strips from her ugly robe to some hot lingerie and all the boys run to her. Are they bi or something, what’s going on in this diner/bar thingy?

I’m sorry, but has he always been this hot??

Morgan’s at the party and decides that Marti should break into Bill Marsh’s office while he’s occupied at the party. He’ll keep an eye out while Marti gets all Sherlock on his ass. It’s a pretty good plan I must admit

Savy thanks Mama for the great party but she warns her not to thank her too quickly. Hmm, I wonder why? Mama is always sticking her pig nose where it doesn’t belong and this time is no different. She invited the crazy Christian mom to the party! Ugh, Mama now I’m annoyed at you. I was just getting used to you then you pull a stunt like this?!

Needless to say, Mama’s not too thrilled about seeing her first born in the Devil’s panties but that’s beside the point. After a lot of stalling, Savy finally manages to tell her about Charlotte’s pregnancy. Bitch flips out and calls Savy a whore who encouraged her sister to be a slut. Really mom, really?

“WHORE!”

There’s a lot going on at once, so let’s go with Coach and Red first since they’re easier. Basically, he shows up to the party looking way too handsome and asks Coach for dance lessons. I was too busy staring into his eyes to remember what they’re for but Coach agrees to teach him so they run off.

Marti shows up to Marsh’s office to find the door already unlocked and she starts snooping around. All of the sudden, Alice pops up with a “boo!” What a bitch…I love her. They agree to work together to find out how to break into Marsh’s safe.

They try a whole bunch of four digit numbers that relate to him but nothing works. Alice gives up and raids his fridge so that she can find food to open and hide in his office so it’ll spoil and stink. Kind of fratboyish, but still evil enough. Marti tells her to hide it behind the drawer in his desk so it’ll be harder to find. When she opens it…

Yay! They start to raid the safe when Morgan calls to tell Marti he lost Marsh because he was too busy looking at all the hot half-naked cheerleaders. What a tool. Alice puts all the shit in her purse and they run off.

Charlotte shows up to Savy’s dorm with a packed bag and yells at her for telling their crazy mom what’s happenin’ in her tummy area. They laugh at their mom calling them whores and sluts and get back on the same page. Savy though, is in full on big sister mode and takes Charlotte home to sort everything out. I want an older sibling who will hold my hand through an unplanned pregnancy. Le sigh.

Coach and Red are practicing the dance in the Hellcats gym. There’s slow music, they both look good and they are completely alone. This won’t end well. Skipping ahead a little, they make out. It’s hot but Coach is not happy afterward. Also, props to the CW for breaking out the Toni Braxton. Classy.

Marti and Alice are going through the stolen merch when they find a DVD labeled with the date that Travis supposedly broke into a pharmacy. However, when reviewing the tape it turns out it was Jake who actually did it. Why? It was for some kind of stupid prank. That’s just bad writing.

Marti is excited because this DVD will clear Travis’ name. But Alice isn’t happy because that means Jake will go to prison. So what are the girls to do?

HELLCAT FIGHT!

It’s about time we got a catfight on a show full of hot bitches. It was a good one too, had me rolling. I love seeing women fight, it’s so much more fun than men fighting for some weird reason. Marti wins and runs off, leaving Alice on the floor looking like a psychopath.

Back at casa a la loco de Christians, Savy has brought little sister home to the parents. There’s a lot of yelling and screaming, but Savy actually manages to calm everyone down and get them on the same page. Kudos. Also, their dad is really cool and isn’t crazy like their mom.

Alice confronts Jake about the video and he tells her the whole story. Try to follow (God knows I barely could): Jake stole drugs and got caught but the pharmacist was a Lancer fan so he called Marsh. Marsh called Overton so he could pay the guy to change his witness statement. With the new statement, they arrested Travis because he fit the description of the suspect. Guess that’s not too confusing. Anyway, Alice is mad that Jake let him go to prison but Jake thinks it’s better because at first he was homeless. DOUCHE!

Marti is walking home in the dark by herself. Yeah, that’s wise. An Escalade pulls up behind her and two large men in black get out and start to follow her. She notices and pulls out her keys and gets the house key in her hand and ready to go. That’s a smart move, almost makes up for the dumb decision to walk home alone. They tease a chase scene that never happens and it’s kind of weird, but Marti makes it home safely and the two guys just bang on the door. Like she’s gonna let you guys in, this ain’t the three little piggies!